written by Pepperband:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.

The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Plan A which is ~only~ a carrot or ~only~ a stick, is not a true Plan A.

Pep

W, do not leave and do not argue. You are probably right, the 2.5 months is a period for her to tie up loose ends in order to give you the legal boot to her best advantage, so she can say "she tried." But we both know she has no intentions of trying to do anything except carry on her affair and end her marriage. This is what you have to change. And you can't change anything if you argue with her or if you move out.

If you tries to argue with you, you must not take the bait. She is hoping to get you angry at her so she can rationalize her affair. Every time you take the bait, you give her ammunition to use against you.

Now, who is this OM? What does he do and is he married?

Ah, yes. The OM.

He's 38, WW and myself are 35. He plays the same instrument in the same orchestra as WW. She is lead and he is a poor second. He is unmarried, single and hasn't had any lengthy relationships I am aware of. He is quite well off, as had never had a family to support, and of course, new and exciting and gives WW a thrill that I do not. He rejuvinates her whilst I make her feel empty inside. He is not applying any pressure on WW and it is very much an EA at present. He is also American, we are in the UK, so no family to contact and works as a contractor so work is tricky. Rumour has it he also provides shoulders to cry on for other women, but WW won't see this as he is using her. She just says OM has been waiting for the right woman to come along and she is that woman. But she won't leave to be with him because of the upheaval to the kids and she won't leave the kids. The kids will 'Be happier with her and be happy when she is happy". Right. So I don't count then.

WW has promised to go and decorate his house for him so he can sell and they can set up together, so that tells me he is lazy - one of the charges levied at me - and also he will give up most of his 6 Orchestras to look after and be there for WW and my two kids (aged 6 and 3). Yeah, like that won't cause resentment.

WW is not necessarily convinced about OM, a lot of the time she says she just wants to live alone and will even buy me out of the house when we separate so she can live on her own. FIL can fund that. I try and point out all that I do around the house and all I get is, 'Yes, but begrudgingly' or 'Well, you've never helped before' most of which is patently untrue. She has obvioulsy been building resentment for some time, some of it justified, but we haven't talked about it. I may well have missed all the signs, but I recognise my failings and am working hard at correcting them. But the bitterness is overwhelming.

I am being patient, attentive and listening and it is really only day 1 of Plan A. So maybe there is time. She also says that in Jan I'll just accuse her of not trying and insist on another few months and wear her down? She won't walk. She wants to give the kids stability and she is, on the whole, a better mother than I could, perhaps, be a father. But I'm learning fast, just in case.

W, be sure and inform her that you have no intention of "wearing her down," but you have no intention of giving up on the marriage, not in January, not in July. You aren't going anywhere and won't help her divorce you. She will have to do all the work in addition to explaining to the kids and other family that she is leaving the marriage for an affair. Don't let her think you will be her ally in destroying your marriage, ok? Please make it clear to her that you are not interested in any mock "trials" until January.

Once you make this clear to her, I would suggest exposing the affair to her parents, the orchestra management, and any close friends that you think would be influential. It's too bad the OM is not married. Any idea of where he is from so you could contact his parents?

In exposure, its best to do it all in one fell swoop to get the maximum effect and to prevent any pre-emption.

She doesn't intend on carrying on her affair right in front of you, does she?

Her Father knows. He wants her to be happy and probably believe that much is my fault for not paying attention when she said she was unhappy in the past. As I've said, the last few years have been fairly uncomfortable for both of us as we have drifted apart, but the OM has brought it all to a head. We have had some really good times, I thought, but the day to day has been a bit rubbish and affection free.

WW also says she will stop all contact. I know OM has contacted hs mother in America, and she is very pleased for them, though I doubt he has told her it is splitting up a marriage. Probably said we had already separated. WW is very strong willed and states she does not need me, and has got so used to be not being there she does not miss me. To the point that she won't even let me help, much as I try. I do not intend to lose my self respect over this and if there were no children involved perhaps I could accept we had just drifted apart with no hope of reconcilliation. The insistance that I have always been a waste of space and never done anything is very wearing.

She is shattered this morning, stating the 'pressure' of the situation. I enquired as to what pressure? She has to do nothing, I want to live in my house and save my marriage. I am not putting any physical pressure on her, nor shall I, all I am doing is talking to her and helping out. Annoying man that I am.

Your situation is SO similar to mine it is almost spooky! I have not posted here for about 4 weeks, so here is a quick re-cap:

I found out about the WW's affair 5 weeks ago. Thrashed around like a hooked fish for 5 days, then decided to get informed. This site plus the book helped enormously, giving a framework to this painful time. I started Plan A. I found out 4 weeks ago that the A was with a man she had previously had a PA with in 1990, which I never discovered. It was too much, I moved out. I now consider myself to be running plan A/B! The OM has made firm commitments to his wife and seems sincere in his desire to put the A behind him. My WW is firmly in the fog, and has been "babbling" for some time.

My worry is not that the A will continue, but that my absence from the family home will prolong the agony of recovery for her. Balanced against that is the fear that a premature return will spark major arguments and LBs. I am maintaining a campaign of major love bank deposits, and do not want to undo the good work.

Thoughts?

HH,

Glad you posted but could you put your thoughts on a separate thread so we can help? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

The OM has no partner. Which is a problem. The OM makes her happy. I do not. WW was umming and ahing about space and needed time to think about whether we should try. I forced the issue yesterday and moved back in after 2 weeks sleeping at my parents and 4 days of no contact. I am on a major Plan A attempt, although it is very early days and WW is opely hostile. Says it's not fair on the kids. Like any of this is fair on the kids. They love both of us ad have never been an issue.

I am trying to help her and get more involved in the day to day running of the house. If all else fails over the next few months she will see exactly how much I can help. If she still chooses to go then Plan B will be effected. She does not want a quick divorce, 2 years is fine as she wont rush into a new marriage, gee thanks.

As for my forcing the issue and returnng I used the excuse that she is not making a decision, and I want to live in my house. It was all done very calmly and patiently. Probably was a LB as it could be seen as a demand but the potential for making deposits seemed higher that the risk of the LB at this stage. I cannot get any lower in the bank so I need to make deposits. Or give up. I'm not ready to give up yet.

Get back in was the advice I received. It is very cold and WW has no interest, but she must see that I am willing.

W, have you told her father yourself that his daughter is having an affair? Or did this information come from your W? What exactly does he know?

Have you told YOUR parents and your close friends?

And I would contact the OM's mother and tell him that her son is screwing around with a MARRIED WOMAN. That will put great pressure on the affair. She was likely told a LIE. In fact, it would be nice if you could send her a picture of your family with the kids so she can see for herself the family her son is wrecking.

What about exposure to the orchestra management?

Exposure is very important, W. It puts enormous pressure on the affair by causing conflict.

hurthubby, do you want to start another thread so you don't get lost down here on the bottom of wantingtotry's thread? You can see what we wrote to him about the mistake of moving out. Its a good idea to move out if you want to faciliate the affair, but a bad idea if you want to save your marriage.

I would have no idea how to contact OM's mom, she's half a planet away. I contemplate contacting the Orchestra, but as the Orchestra leader is now on his third marriage following affairs I'm not sure what good it will do. As to my FIL, I have spoken to him, but not for a while. Perhaps I should restate to him my commitment to the marriage but I don't know what WW has been telling him.

My parents know as do the rest of my family and are furious at her for putting me and through this but are not sure what they can do. A number of our friends are aware, many of her 'baby group' friends seem to be telling her to make sure she is happy whereas our old friends are trying to get her to think. It all boils down to currently she thinks I am not worth any time. I have only made her unhappy, I am lazy and worthless. And she cannot believe how I could ever make her happy in future. I have never made her happy in the past. Circular arguements. I say to take one day at a time. She will not. She even said we only had a second child with because she wanted two children but was already unhappy. How harsh is that. Our kids are fantastic and we are clearly a good genetic match. There is no willingness to work with me here.

Wanting, just focus all of your attention on busting up this affair. She won't have any willingness to work on the marriage until the affair is over. Try and look at it like this: the affair is an addiction and as long as she is under the influence of the fantasy, she will not be sane and she will not want to work on the marriage. That is why your first and most important mission is to bust up the affair. Shine the light of reality onto it and do everything in your power to make her affair and her plans to seperate as uncomfortable and as hard as possible. Let her know you will not help her divorce you. Let her know you won't be going anywhere and will fight divorce and fight custody. Let her know that you do not "do" divorce, only marital recovery and will not cooperate with any schemes to tear up your family so she can pursue an affair.

Do you know what town the OM is from? We might be able to help you find his mother. And by all means, contact the FIL and tell him about the affair. Tell him what has been going on and ask for his help in saving your marriage. Ask him to speak to his daughter. Contact any other close family that you think would be influential.

Contact the orchestra board and ask them what they intend to do about this affair. They may not do anything, but just being exposed will cause great conflict in the affair.

All the things she is telling you is classic WS behavior. They rewrite the history of your marriage, with you starring as a demon, in order to rationalize their affair. Don't let it bother you at all. This will all change once the affair is over.

Just had a chat with FIL. He is not getting involved, his primary concern is daughters and grandkids happinness. She is an only child. He hopes we can reconcile amicably, and I guess that is the closest he will come to saying that he hopes we can stay together. He did say he was aware WW was unhappy 12months ago but then heard no more so thought all was sorted. He says EA is out of the blue and shocking but won't get too involved. I know he worries for the grandkids, particularly as OM could go back to US is he and WW get together but he won't get involved on my side.

I have explained that WW and I are going to try, or at least I am, to save the marriage and I am committed to the marriage and to WW, which I hope he takes on board. Time will tell, I guess.

W, that is good. At least now he knows that the trouble is coming from an affair. I would make sure she knows you have given him the facts. And while he won't intervene, just the fact that he knows should cause some discomfort in the affair.

Do you want some help tracking down the OM's mother? Any idea where he is from over here? If the mother is American, she might be pretty unhappy about her son's sleazy behavior. My son would be in a world of hurt!

Well, thats was a cold evening. We had dinner together and talked about the kids and a little about work. then seemed to sit in silence for an hour. WW went for a shower and I made a coffee. Did get a few laughs from her but ultimately I know she doesn't want me here and I wonder how long I can do this. I feel so cold and empty inside. I also know it will be years before I have physical contact again. Unfortunately I mentioned this, she said why? I said I wouldn't have an affair. Until the divorce we will be man and wife. I then asked her what she will do if OM runs away after 6 months, the likely scenario, and she just smiled to herself and said 'Well, why would he?'

I kept calm. I shouldn;t have raised the subject but I feel so cold. Probably LB's when I'm trying a plan A, and Plan A says no R talk. But this is so hard. Nothing offered, nothing to work towards. No real hope. Is this really so common? I cannot see any olive branches being offered. Ever.

Thanks for the offer Melody. But as Mother is 6000 miles away I can't see what good it will do and may cause more harm. I will play the Plan A card for as long as I can then see what occurs.

WHAT DIVORCE??? Wanting. There is no divorce. You don't talk about divorce, instead you talk about a future in a good marriage WITH HER. You need to impart this vision and not even acknowledge her scheme to divorce. Don't accept her affair! Remember, you don't "do" divorce, you only do marital recovery. Quit acting like you accept her fogged out words! Her affair is DOOMED. That is the only future you envision, ok?

It's ok to talk about your relationship, but you aren't talking about your relationship, you are talking about DIVORCE and her affair as if you accept it. Stop that!

W, exposure is a KEY component of Plan A. Exposure to his mother will cause harm to the AFFAIR and this is what you want. It is your job to bust up this affair and make it as uncomfortable as possible. I am sure any good American mother would want to be notified about this. I sure would.

Well, a better morning. If I keep talk to work and kids WW is happy to chat, and even smile. She did her hair and make up and I told her she looked lovely, she said Thank You. She is very tired at the moment, her job is very demanding, and I said I was worried and stroked her hair. She said she has always been tired, but I've been no help so it's a bit late now. I said, in a calm voice, that that wan't fair - she has always been a strong woman and it was hard for me to tell her I was worried. She said she needed more childcare so she had more time for her job but couldn;t afford it, I said no, but we could and maybe a cleaner. She just smiled thinly. I could see her thinking 'What we?' but perhaps it is slow progress, maybe even a few deposits. I don't know.

I suggested I sleep upstairs in our room and deal with the kids tonight and she sleeps downstairs to get a better nights sleep, as both were up in the night last night. She has agreed.

Hang in there. You are doing a good job.