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I have been reading a lot about relationships since my affair a number of years ago and I have come to a conclusion that many seek this because a depressive episode in their lives at the time of the affair. Did this happen to any of you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
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I sought out my OM after 9/11. I had been in therapy and on AD's before 9/11. My DD was born in 1999, I became a SAHM with three in diapers, I think I never got over my post partum funkiness. When 9/11 happened, I started calling people from my past, trying to get back to a part of me and ended up at OM.
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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Well I never had an A but my husband is right now but I believe part of it is depression.....
Now that I look back on it the stress in our home was a lot due to my job loss and having kids and grandkids living here and I think he was going through a depression because of all this , so maybe it does play a role....
I was also in a depressed state and we both kinda withdrew from each other. So maybe your on to something here.... Of course I didn't even think about doing such a thing but who knows what could have happen later....
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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My WH was very depressed before his A. I tried to get him to get some help, but he absolutely refused. I even told him I was worried that he might make some poor choices.
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We had financial and health problems within our marriage which didn't make for a happy relationship. So, yes, I believe depression played a part. I also suggested counselling to combat his state of mind but he said, "no one could possibly understand what was going on in his mind". Always so negative.
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My WH was also very depressed about 2 months before his A. The EA started around that time with his boss he's worked with for 2 years. He started AD's after being depressed for 2 months, and started PA with her less than a month later. Told me the AD's made him unable to function sexually, so while I was trying to be the understanding and supportive wife, really he was trying not to "cheat on OW" with me. Hey, at least it spared me that pain, that time. Next time (the relapse), not so lucky - he went back & forth between us no problem.
Our experience? Depression and prior other addictive behavior/personality are MAJOR pre-indicators of affairs.
NTL
BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
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My husband's EA started four years after his father, and sister died, and he was still in pain and depression because of that and the fact his mother had dementia and was in assisted living facility. He was very depressed and in terrible pain and turmoil over his life.
Me, I was busy with my life as a new college student. O/W started out as activies director helping out a grieving patient's son and ended up having an emotional affair with my w/h. She was filling up his lovebank while I was busy doing homework and going to school.
In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.
Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
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My H was in a terrible state of depression at the time leading up to my affair. He was totally withdrawn from everything. Me, the world, our family, everything.
We had just lost to death over the course of one year, both his parents and my father.
I didn't go looking for an affair with my old HS b/f, I wasn't depressed, I wasn't looking for anything. I do have an addictive personality, but so does my H.
Using the reasoning of depression and/or addictive personality, my H should have had the affair.
Jen
Me (FWW) 51
H (FBS) 56
Married 31 years
2 children (27 and 25)
18 month A
D-day 2 years ago this month
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My WW was depressed to the point of attempting suicide when she got involved with OM. The depression was caused by not only some unmet EN prior to me leaving for Iraq, but also a myriad of problems with her family in Germany, and with her friends stateside, all of which she felt helpless against.
By that same token, my ONS two weeks after D-Day was based solely on depression, prior to that she was meeting all my EN except mabye SF, and that was just the common problem of me wanting it more than her, but not enought for it to be a problem. Being told that I was basically worthless both as a husband and as a man was too much to bear, so i went and found someone who didn't think i was worthless.
BH then WH 24 - me
WW then BW 24
Married - 3 years, together for 4.
Her A started while deployed to Iraq (mid-june), and ended on Thursday, Sept 8th (or 9th?)
In counseling now
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Count me as a yes. My WH was in depression having lost his older sister to cancer, older brother to heart attack, and the care of his elderly mother suffering from Alzheimers fell all to him (or us I should say). He also has addictive tendencies and has a very hard time self-regulating. These things IMO were major contributors to his A.
Me = FBS age 51
FWH = age 51
M 25 years, 2 children 16 and 20
D-Day 5/19/05
Recovered and happy
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Without question, one of the precursors for an affair is depression. Actually, near as I have been able to research, there are a host of precursors in this same place.
For example, sexual abuse; very young female gets abused (forced) into sex by adult male. Maybe it happens a second time with another trusted male. Here are some of the symptoms:
1. Anxiety and/or panic attacks.
2. One or more attempts at suicide.
3. Relationship problems.
4. Unable to say NO <- big one.
5. Male friendship = sex
6. Need to be perfect.
7. "Bad Person" syndrome.
8. Unable to take compliments.
9. A host of others.
Many women grow up without being able to resolve all of the issues associated with sexual abuse. Statistics indicate that 1 in 4 women suffered some form of abuse at an early age and many did not or do not have the emotional environment to find resolution. Many simply grow up with the vague feeling that they are a bad person.
In the normal ups and downs of a marriage, women who have been the victim of sexual abuse are very, very vulnerable to an affair. It just goes with the the territory of giving someone free rent in the brain (the abuser) and that person continues to exercise control over the victim's behavior until the victim somehow gets help and becomes a survivor.
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Well, I'll have to be the odd one out here (as usual).
My WH was anything but depressed. His ignoring me for his young female co-workers started when he began climbing the corporate ladder and felt he was fully entitled to help himself and *still* come home to his wife and family at night.
Funny thing - I was watching an excellent PBS special on Albert Einstein. He was happily married with a child, and he and his wife had a lot in common; she used to check his mathematics for him. But after he became famous for E=mc2, he indulged in numerous affairs, left his wife, and married a cousin who knew nothing of math or physics.
Watch out for success, too. Some people will take it as permission from the Universe to run hog-wild and indulge themselves in whatever they want.
Mulan
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Ahhhh, male entitlement. Ain't it something. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Bob Hope is one of the more famous of those who plowed every willing field he could find. His wife Doris is the one who buried him at the end.
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Hello Eaglesoar,
Looks like we have a lot in common with our spouses.
In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.
Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
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KD,
I read your very first post when you first arrived here and was struck by the similarities in our stories. My MIL is also in an assisted living center where they are trying to force her out because she needs a higher level of care.
For some reason I just couldn't post to you because I felt like I was a little too close to your circumstances and feared my own experiences would cloud my postings to you.
I wish you every good thing and tons of God's bessings in recovering your M.
Me = FBS age 51
FWH = age 51
M 25 years, 2 children 16 and 20
D-Day 5/19/05
Recovered and happy
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IMHO, an A is a manifestation of a psychological problem of the WS. Depression is probably the most common simply because it is the most common psychological problem.
FWS
Married: 1976 AS: 1991
D-Day: 1992 AE: 1993
Still married.
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Ahhhh, male entitlement. Ain't it something. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I would be careful relegating this trait stricly to the male gender. My STBXWW had/is having her A just after graduating Podiatry Schoool, so I am sure she felt some additional entitlement. I say "additional" because she already had an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. She also lost her father, who was her rock, about 1.5 years prior. So both probably played a role in her change. The question is, are we all going to have to be on constant guard any time, during future relationships, that success is achieved or a great trauma is experienced by our spouses? I just don't know if I want to sleep with one eye open forever. Maybe I should just join a monastary... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> TM
BH (Me) 32,
WW 38
no kids
been together 14.5 yrs.
married 9
D-day 12/5/04
D final 11/23/05, she got it all...I just wanted out.
Done with her...selfishness is not a virtue
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In our case, WH's affair stemmed completely from his sense of entitlement and a MLC. Of that, I am convinced.
Me BS 44
XH 45
M 20 years
D19
D12
DDay 11.29.04
Separated 12.29.04
Plan A 24.02.05
Plan B 10.9.05
Plan D 2.2.06
Divorce 13.6.06
OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo)
OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)
Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it.
Redhat
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WH's affair stemmed completely from his sense of entitlement Yeah, same here. That, and the fact he's probably an alcoholic. *sigh* Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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TM Frank Pittman describes the context from many affairs in thi section from a 'Psychology Today' article: ROMANTIC INFIDELITY
Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate-someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own-is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.
Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.
People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born-any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.
Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up every-thing. Men in love lose their heads-at least for a while. So yes, affairs can happen at times of existential crisis or depression. But they also happen at othe rtimes, such as in CV55's H's case, or Mulan's H. I'm with KiwiJ, to blame depression is to excuse deliberate selfish, self gratifying and entited choices. Affirs happen because their protagonists want them to. I've been depressed, in an unsatisfying marriage and hit on concurrently by a LOVELY woman, yet I kept my pants up; So obviously its not a always a cause/effect nexus between vulnerability to infidelity and execution of it. Harley stattes that the "failure to protect ones' weaknesses" causes infidelity. That makes more sense the more I read about relationships and affairs.
MB Alumni
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