ok, so it seems that all I've done here is cause a whole lot of discontent among the other members. I am sorry, I didn't mean to cause any arguments. I know that you are probably all on the other side of my situation, so it was entirely selfish of me to post here to ask your advice. I got myself into this, and I should figure out on my own how to fix it. I appreciate the advice, and do plan to take it to heart. Thank you all.

Almost Gone,

I'm sorry for the threadjack, and I'm sure there are plenty of people here who have been in your situation and can offer some insight. I would really recommend being honest with your husband in a safe environment. Perhaps this could be the wake-up call for both of you to work on your marriage constructively.

I just do not see any point of keeping this secret from your husband and continuing in a marriage with which you are both not happy. Either way something has got to change and you have nothing but heartache to gain by keeping this a secret.

I sincerely wish you the best and hope you continue to post here.

Almostgone, please dont leave. there is a lot of valuable info and experience here that will help you and your partner get to grips with this situation. you havent caused discontent. this is an emotive topic and sometimes emotive responses are generated. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

This site is for everybody, not just BS's.

Stick around. You have taken a huge first step in just coming here in the first place. Dont blow it now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

NOOOOO!!!!! Almost, you NEED to be here, and you are just as welcome as anyone else going through this!!!! I was very similar in my thinking over 5 years ago, but am very happy that I stayed and got the advice and help that I needed! Yes, we are in the minority here, being the W with the OC/possible OC, but you need to stick around. YOU didn't cause any of this, it was more 2 people's knee jerk reaction to some advice given. I believe, from the quick read that I did of Crazy's post that all is getting better now, and that we can work with you to figure out what to do here!

PLEASE don't leave! You need the support and advice on getting past this initial phase and help in how/when to tell your H, which needs to be soon in my opinion. I am here for any and all questions you may have, having gone through similar situation, being the WW(wayward wife) in the situation. PLEASE stay and ask away! I'm sorry if my petty bickering caused you to feel unwanted here, you are wanted here so we can help you through this! You are a part of this crazy mess, and you want to try to save your M, and I know that it can be done!

No stress here. Just getting my point across. This is all about you now. I pray that you find the answers you need here. I'm sure there are people here to help.

AG~

You were not the cause AT ALL for any discontent, arguments, nor for the direction your thread took. It's quite common that threads get off the original topic, and then take on a life of their own based on the "off topic" subject matter.

You never even mentioned if you were thinking of not telling your H. You simply said you didn't know what to do, and that you were seeking advice.

The debate was about the kind of advice to give you, (and IMO it should've been taken to a different thread once it became a topic of it's own), but it was not about anything you said, and it certainly wasn't your fault.

Hope you stay--I think you can benefit a lot from this site. It's your place, every bit as much as it is the BS's.

How are you doing today?

Ok, well. H started therapy again last week by referral from his doc, he then came home and told me that if he ever found out that I had become involved in an A, no matter how long it lasted that we would be over, no matter what, even if it was just a ONS. "friend" and I never see each other anymore because I requested a transfer to a differant office, but he still emailed me and said that he didn't think it was possible that the baby could be his, and that I shouldn't be "playing games with his head" and until I found out who's it was that I shouldn't mention it to anyone, because this puts him in a bad situation. I emailed him back and asked him if he would be willing to do a DNA test so that we could find out in a few weeks if it is his or not, I also told him that if it turns out that the baby is his that it was entirely up to him if he wanted to have a relationship with him/her. I explained that I am totally fine with doing the whole thing on my own if I have to and that nobody other that us would have to know that the baby was his. If he didn't want contact that I would never ask for anything from him, and that I wouldn't even put his name on the birth certificate. I know that he got the email, but he hasn't replied yet, I think that he is blatently ignoring me. If it does turn out that the baby is his, there is no way that I'd be able to hide it, as my husband and I are both white, and he isn't. I found a new procedure online that can be done to test DNA at 13 wks preg, it doesn't require an amnio or cvs, all they have to do is take blood from me, and get the DNA from the "alleged father". It cost's almost $1000, but to me it's worth the peace of mind it would supply. It is only a slight slight possibility that this is even a problem due to the dates of everything, but I'm going crazy not knowing for sure who the father of my baby is. See, I started my period on Aug 11, and that regretful night was Aug 19, and according to the conception calanders, I should have gotten pregnant the next week, but we all know that those are just estimations, and could be wrong. He says that it's not possible that it's his because he "didn't finish inside" which irritated me more because we started out with a condom, but he decided to take it off, and I didn't realize it until it was too late. I guess he figured that he could control himself. Typical man I guess, not wanting to own up to the mistake that was made. It's kind of funny, everytime I am able to make a wish, you know 11:11, first star, eyelashes...etc, I wish with all my might that this child is my husband's, and I pray to God every night that he might take mercy on me and let this child belong to the two of us rather than the result of a horrrible mistake. I have started taking some of the worksheets home and doing them with H, and I found another website 1000 questions for couples, and have started answering those with him, so that maybe we can get back on the right track. I've also talked to him about getting into MC, and he agreed that it might be a course we should take, and we are looking into finding someone that is highly recommened in the area. As of now he doesn't know about what happened, and I'd like to tell him because it's driving me crazy, but if he is so sure that he could never forgive it, is it worth it? Ok, I think I've taken up enough time with my venting right now. I'll be back soon.

Almostgone: I know your going crazy over this. I've never heard of this DNA test that your talking about, but if it's blood and won't harm the baby and this guy will do it, I think it's a good idea. At least this will give you some time to figure out what to do.

I also think that MC is a wonderful thing and maybe it can help your husband accept that you did indeed do this and forgive you. Did you say your husband is absuive? I don't remember. That is the only reason why I'm hessitant for you to just come out and tell him about this.

Does your husband know your pregnant? What are the chances that this baby is his? I did not quite understand your posting about your cycle. It sounded like you got pregnant the day after you started your period? Normaly you ovulate about 2 weeks after you start your period.

As far as this OM goes (is he married or single?) I will probaly get bashed for this, but I'm going from experience here and not just my experience. This is typical behavior. I was best friends with xmm for 13 years when the affair started and needless to say the day I told him I was pregnant (except for his attempts to ask for abortion) we became mortal enemies.

I know at this point you feel the way you feel, but if it is his, you can not really make any promises to him about what you will and won't do. So I'd just not go there with him. I million things can happen between now and then. You maybe able to salvage your marriage and your husband maynot want this man in the child's life, or you may end up divorced and raising this baby on your own and you'll need his help supporting the child. Babies are very expensive as you already know.

Don't be surprised either that if it is his he all of sudden dissapears from your life. That too is typical. He may want nothing to do with this child. It's easier for some men to walk away.

Try and get into counseling ASAP with your husband. Did you say your husband was having affairs with you too?

Just remember to breath, take one day at a time. Think very hard about your future here either way it may turn out. Take care of yourself and your baby growing inside of you. Vent and post all you want.

Almost,

Well, I say you still need to tell H, even if this child turns out to be your H's. As for this other DNA test thingy, I'm not sure it would be the best idea, but if you can handle the $1000 and you think it's what you need to do, and xom agrees, then do it. Check out the company and all that to be certain that it's not some scheme to get your money though!

If you and H can get into MC that would be GREAT, and maybe you could have a few individual sessions and discuss with the counselor how to approach your H about this ONS. It's a secret that, as you are now feeling, can destroy your M whether or not it gets out, because you are feeling SO guilty about what you've done! Maybe with counselor behind you, you can work a way to let H know and still save your M. Of course, you also need to consider, if this child is born of mixed race, you don't really want to wait till after it's born, do you?

Not to get TOO personal, but did you have any intercourse with H after your ONS and around the timing it should have been for conception? As you said, unfortunately those charts are more guidelines than the absolute truth. It could be plus or minus by any number depending on your cycle type and such.

I say keep working to get H into MC with you, but you also need to work on getting the nasty truth out, no matter what your H has said about leaving you. At least, if your H does leave you, you know you've been honest. Heck, my H felt the same way, but look where we are now!

Again, do the research on the DNA test, find out how acurate it could possibly be before throwing away that amount of money on a possible scheme. If it's something that's true, and xom is willing, take that test for your peace of mind. At that point, if it DOES turn out to be xom's child, you have another decision to make, keep the baby or adoption. BUT, I still think you SHOULD tell your H. If xom is SO worried about himself, he should have thought about that before the ONS, as should you. (but I'm here to help you through this, not tear you down, just making a statement before other's jump on it)

I'm glad that you came back, and will encourage you to continue to do so. Also, from this point on, NO MORE CONTACT WITH XOM!!!! Your first course of action is to see if your M is repairable! Keep posting and asking your questions.

hi,

just wanted to say i tested the therey of 14 day after period starts with my 2nd s with my 5 c i told guy that was day i could get p we did it condom broke i was p. If your periods are acurate and it happened one time right after your p yet slept w your h week later i dont think id worry about it. Im sure its not om, i dont know what i would do in your situation. however ive always told h if he does anything he shouldnt, i will find out. i always do. your guilt will eat you. your as sick as your secrets. he may go at first, but if he trully loves you ****** want to save m.

goodluck, imtswife

wow, what a weekend. I saw XOM on Friday after work at the store, he asked me how things were going with H and if I had decided what I'm going to do (he is pushing for abortion...just in case he says) I told him that how things were going with my H is none of his business, and that I'm keeping the baby (abortion just is not an option for me) and that unless I find out that this is his child which is only a slight chance that I wanted nothing else to do with him. I told him that it was a huge and horrible mistake for me to have ever let anything happen between us, and now that I realize how far off track my M is I have to put every effort into making it right again, and I couldn't do that if I had any amount of contact with him. I told him that if he wanted to do the DNA test that he could email me and that we'd scheudle seperate appointments for collection, so that we would not have to see each other. I also let him know that it is a very very slight chance that the baby is his, and that I could just be being paranoid by being worried. I also found out that H is going back home this weekend (halloween weekend) for his bestfriend's wedding, we had talked about this, but never decided and I told him that I didn't mind him going, but it would have been nice if he had let me know that he had decided to go. H doesn't work, he's a full time student, so the only money we have coming in is my meager paycheck, which is enough for bare essentials, and it would have been nice to have been able to re-arrange finances to pay for this little trip...not to mention I have to try to get a day off from work for this. He told me that what he decides to do is not for me to worry about, and that if I was going to "nag about money issues" I could just get the *uc* away from him. Needless to say it was a tad bit of a distressing and emotional weekend. I'm almost glad to be back at work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Almost,

I'm glad that you've basically, through telling OM that you are working on your M and that he has no business knowing what you are doing, given the OM his NC "letter". Now, as for your H's response to his going this weekend and money issues, well, that's something that will need to be worked out, and could take a while, but is possible. Do you have to take the time off because you need to be with our 2 yo? Are there any friends near by who could watch him/her(sorry, can't remember if you have a boy or girl) as a favor?

How is counseling going? Have you gotten into any counseling yet? Have you talked to anyone else yet, like a chaplain? I know that this is not an easy thing for you, especially right now, and with you being in the military. AND, with your paycheck being the only one supporting your family right now too. If your H is in counseling, could you possibly get into some IC(individual counseling) as well? Have you read or found any of the recommended reading on the site yet? It's a GREAT way to start, if you can get H to work with you. Things like the Emotional Needs Questionare and Love Busters Questionare. Neither one would reveal the fact that you've had that ONS, but it helps lay the ground work for being able to talk to your H about that ONS(still feel you should tell your H, no matter what the outcome may be, whether divorce or a stronger M). How are you doing, physically? I hope that we can help you get through this and work with you to help your M get stronger. Any more questions, don't hesitate to ask, that's what we are all here for.

I have to take the day off to stay home with our daughter, everyone I know that could watch her works during the day, so that's not really an option.

I haven't gotten into counseling as of yet, H has gone once, and has an appt to go again when he gets back. They are so booked up that it takes a while to get in. As far as going to the chaplain, I'm not so sure it's a great idea considering how much trouble XOM and I could get into. I've been considering trying to get into IC...I think I need it! I've been doing a lot of reading on the site, and it really helps to know that I'm not alone, and it's really sad that this is such a common thing. I'm working towards telling H about the "night" but it's not an easy task to accomplish.

As glad as I am to have XOM out of the picture, he was a really good friend, and I miss him. Then I feel guilty for thinking about him. I have to go out of my way at work to avoid him, and people have started asking why we never talk anymore. I don't know if I'm allowed to miss him. I read the articles about getting over an affair, but I'm not sure if what I did count's as an actual affair and if I'm supposed to be doing the whole "withdrawl" thing. I feel so confused and guilty that I don't even know how to begin to sort through all the emotions, and being preggo on top of it...talk about an emotional roller coaster. Thank you all for your help so far in this. I've really come to treasure this board!

"I've really come to treasure this board"

I wish none of us was here...but I am SO glad you are here, at the same time. Make sense?

Keep your head strong and healthy. We ALL care about you here.

Blessings,

Eibrab

Even though there was no true crime commeted, and nobody is getting hurt it is still against the rules for two people on the same ship to have any type of physical relationship, and it is illegal in the military to have an affair of any type, but I will try to find out if I would get into trouble if I went to the chaplain.

I ran into a friend of mine yesterday from my old office, and she told me that as soon as I left rumors started flying about me and XOM. She said that everyone in there thinks that this baby is his, and that we were "together" the entire time we were gone, and that we are fighting and that's why nobody ever sees us together anymore. I swear, it's worse than High school here. I also ran into him yesterday, and surprisingly was repulsed by him. I didn't say a word to him, I just walked right by. The fact that he was so adament about an abortion really changed the way I view him (even though I do still miss our chats) I have a doctors appt today and plan to tell him what happened and see if there is anyway that he can help me figure out exactly when this baby was conceived...XOM refuses to submit to a DNA test, so that option is out.

I think that H knows something is going on, he just doesn't know what. He thinks that I'm stressed out over the "money situation" but his temper flares have been coming more and more often. I don't know if it's that he's bored being home all the time, or if there's another reason why he is so irritated all the time. In a way I'm glad that he's going away for the weekend and I'll be able to get my thoughts in order without him there for a few days.

I really hate myself for getting us into this situation, and I swear that if there was a way to go back and change any one thing in my life, I'd change it. I feel like I've lost everything that made me who I am, and I have no idea how to get it back.

UGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! I just typed up this whole response, and when I submitted it, I had somehow been logged out! Lost the whole darn thing!!!! I will try to remember what I said, although it shouldn't be THAT hard to do.




[color:"blue"]I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way, but, unfortunately, what's done is done, and you can only go on, and have learned from your mistakes. You can only get back to your other self by being honest. And, you may not wish to be exactly who you were before, as it would be much better to strive to be a better person, wife, friend. I'm glad that you've stuck around, and know that I will be here for you, no matter what questions you may have. In fact, if you wish, and I'll leave it up to you, I could give you my email addy if you have things that you need answers to but don't wish to ask on a public board. One other thing, I know I'm running on and on, do you have any friends, preferably girlfriends, close or family that you can confide in? Someone who is right there with you for that much needed support? Yes, you were the one who made the mistake, but you wish to fix that, and you need the support just as much as anyone else here. [/color]

Ok...talk about stress relief. I saw the doc yesterday, and she said that first and foremost the baby is healthy! She did an ultrasound and at first couldn't find anything so they were afraid that it was a tubal pregnancy, but she decided to do an internal unltrasound and the baby is fine, I got to see the heartbeat and everything <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> She also told me that from the calculations and the measurements, I am actually a week less pregnant that what they thought, she asked if I normally had longer cycles and I said yes they are usually around 31-33 days, and she said good. She told me that she doesn't see how there's a "chance in he** that this baby came from the ONS" She told me that if it were her she wouldn't even worry about it unless something comes up later to make them think that I'm further along that what they see now. I haven't told xOM yet, I was considering letting him suffer and worry about it just for being an a$$, but I know that as soon as I get off here I'll email him and let him know that he has nothing to worry about and that he has no reason now to continue to try to contact me. Yippie! I've been trying hard to get over it, but it's really hard to do with him emailing me almost every other day...I don't even read them I just delete them, which is kind of funny because we all get "read reciepts" for all of our emails so that we can track to see if they've been read or not, so when he get's them back they say not read, deleted.

I finally admitted out loud to someone what had happened, and it helped to actually say it, and to hear a response rather than see it in words (not that this doesn't help, but sometimes it's just better to say it) After I talked to the doc I called my brother and told him all about it. He had known for a while that H and I were having problems, and that he was dissappointed that I had done it, but that all I could do now is try to fix it. He also agrees that I need to work us up to a point where I can be honest with H and tell him about what happened. I'm trying, I really am, and I think that this weekend is going to help us out a lot. I think that I just need the time to get my thoughts in order without having him there all the time.

I just wanted to come in and give you all an update on what's going on.