Hi again,

I spoke to my W a 3rd time tonight. Asked her why she thinks I am trying to control her... she has said this a lot lately whenever I have tried to stand up for myself. I think she got the idea from the MC. Again she ranted and raved and at the end said she couldn't talk anymore.

She went to the basement and sobbed. After a while I went down and sat by her... finally asked if she wanted me to leave her alone or hold her. She squeezed my hand so I stayed and held her. Finally she said she misses the boys...doesn't want to talk anymore tonight... and then gave me a kiss as she went upstairs. Am I crazy? I guess the fact that I calmly withstood her barrage of anger had an affect. In the past I would have generally became defensive. Maybe I'm finally learning something about communicating???

I'm not out of the woods yet. I'm sure she won't just let this one die and will try to talk me out of telling OMW. I do understand it... it must be a terrible feeling to have to face that... but we all need to face the consequences of our actions. Just like I am willing to face her leaving me by doing what is right for my conscience and for the future of our marriage.

We are going to watch a movie... Bewitched... and then go to bed.

Have a good evening.

Shaden

Hi Shaden,

Was there a chance for any more talks about telling OMW?
Personally if it was me I would have done it already and tell my S the OMW has the right to know, I have the right to release this from my hands and be free of it. It is a heavy burden on your shoulders and it is still helping to keep "fantasy Island" a float. I'd "bomb" the sucker!
Sorry...
Thats just me though. Did you promise your W that you would not do it with out her consent?
It feels like you are trying hard to protect her feelings while at the same time she is too, yet selfishly in her "fog" not looking at yours.
Am I off on this presumption?
As for my talk with WH, He was surprisingly very agreeable to talk to me.
I started off by reading him a letter I found here, "Truehearts letter to WS's".
When I read it I knew He had to hear it. As I read it, at points I could not help but cry and I think H was getting a bit teary, too. I think it helped him see from another WS's point of view just what us BS's want for our WS's. All the love we have and the desire to stand by them and make things right. and that they can do it too. But they have to open up, be honest and talk and make everything about Us now.
So, I started off by asking him to start from the beginning and tell me how this whole thing started. Of course it was the obvious, taking breaks together at work, talking, the more they talked the more personal and the deeper they got to know one another. Then one night she had to get a ride home from work.
From there it started to happen more frequently, and she'd invite him in. He met her 16 and 18 year old kids...
They'd hang out. How nice.
He says it was not until August that they started to sleep together. He says maybe only like 4 times did they have sex, but other times just lie in each others arms and talk. How nice.
God how it hurt to hear him talk about this. I asked him how often he'd do this and he said not often. whatever that means. He would not be specific. He did swear to me that he never said to her that heloved her, nor she to him.
We did not get much further than this as our little ones kept popping out to the garage to see us ans the little space heater was not enough to heat the garage.
We came in the house and went to our room and we talkeI told him how I knew what his "pet name" for her was and how much that hurt because he never did that with me. He says IHe has , but I said not really. Sweet heart, honey, are regular terms of endearment. He called her "baby Doll".
That just made me feel really bad.
Partly because I have met her and she is NO "Baby Doll"! EW!
*shudder* yuck!
Any way, he also shared with me things about what was going on in his perspective of our marriage as this A of his took shape. I could easily see how it came to be. He says he feels like a fool now because he realises that everything he wanted was always right here for him. He only needed to look a little harder for it. I think the letter I read him helped him to realise that too. How much the children and I have always been here for him and we blindly believe in him. He says he feels like a fool.
After that we had to get ready to leave for dinner at our friends house. As I got ready he put on some music.... he played the song "I'm a Believer" by the Momkees....LOL.
He made a point to sing the chorus to me and I can hardley tell you how happy I was.
Now granted, I still have more questions that I need to find the answers to. And it hurts to know what I do know. But he has proclaimed his love in such a way that I feel just a bit more safer than I did before.
I know we are not out of the woods yet and he has said that he understands that I have alot to do to heal from this. Whatever I am feeling, my sadness, anger, snooping, fear, he says he understands.
Now, if he can not keep any secrets and stay open & honest I can see things staying at this level.
Praying things will progress to the next higher level for us and for you and your W.
Hang in there Shaden, try reading that letter to her. I don't know how to put in the link for it , but I found it under a thread called Lies. Lies, and more Lies... I am pretty sure.

Be well, and keep me posted!

A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives (WW)
Trueheart's Letter to WS Everywhere

These are the posts I was talking about. I don't know if I did this right so you could link to them. But the "lies" post was in the recovery board.

Be well,

Hi Harmonie,

I read the trueheart's letter, but right now my W is not interested in reading anything. She is angry at me for all the reading I am doing... says that I'm the expert so I have all the answers. I just say that this is important enough to me to learn all I can.

I heard everything from her the last couple of days... that I am ruining her life, that I am going to give her Mom a heart attack, that I am controlling and pushing, the list goes on and on.

6 months right??? I guess I'll hang in there and see what happens. Others here seem to think I still have hope. On a day to day basis things were really good (comparatively speaking) unless I say or do anything about the A or R. But if I don't push it, then she will stay the same and another A will happen.

OMW told me that OM said the following...

- that my W fell in love with the new cars and money and the idea of not having to work if she was with him. (I have worked so hard to sacrifice to allow her anything she wanted or needed that I could possibly give her)

- that my W initiated and met with him at a coffee shop several times and told him all the negatives about me and then compared me to him... praising him and stroking his ego.

- He questions if this has happened to my W before.

- My W is very needy and doesn't feel that our M will survive.

- My W was attracted to him for years.

- That his heart would sink when she walked into the room because of what they were doing.

And other things...

Right now I am just so disgusted... I wanted to hold onto the idea that he was the wolf preying on a vulnerable victim, but I believe it was the other way around. If I don't see real change from her, irregardless of the fact I love her, I won't be able to stay because this is going to happen again and again.

I think that my step of exposing will help to lift more of the fog... at the very least I know that OM is serious about fixing his own M.... but I just don't know if I want to be with my W anymore.

Atleast I see that you are having a bit better time than I am. I hope your week is continuing to go well.

Sorry, this is your thread and I monopolized it again.

How's your older son? When is he going to be home?

Shaden

Hi Harmonie,

I just re-read your last post... I was so intent on my own sich I just skimmed through it the first time.

Sounds like you had a break through... awesome.

"I'm a believer"... for you and your H... now I just need to start believing again for my M.

Have a great night. Do you have a new pet name you want him to call you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />?

Shaden

Hi Shaden,
First off, You are not monopolizing MY thread. I just started the thing and hoped for a friend or 2 to talk to and get and give support. You Stepped in and for that I am glad to say I have a friend here to talk to. And Be an outlet to vent and help if I can?
And when I need to vent or need support here, you have done the same. Thanks. So please don'tfeel your monopolizing. OK?

I am really running on my auto pilot mode lately. Barely.
One minute I am up and hopeful, the next I am as depressed and worried as can be.
Though confronting H with my questions and his responding with a "guarded" openess, I still feel I have alot more I need to learn about the A and the OW.
But then I ask why do I keep torturing myself like this?
It makes my mind wander and I lose all focus on what good is around me (my job, kids), I am in my own fog over the whole thing. We make a bit of progress and then I go back to worrying insesantly.
I wonder if it is that I am affraid to let down my guard, my defenses and just let myself live?

As for DS #1, He says he wants to be home around the beginning of December. However he has asked me not to tell relatives, like my cousin, my parents etc. I think he is a bit on the fence about this decision. I don't blame him. He is almost 17 and has become very independant and I think we are both fearful of what living in the same house will be like.
I have resigned myself for accepting that he is who he is...My little "goth" child (lol) He is a very talented drummer and guitarist and he knows I have always stood behind him in his music. But the harder part was dealing with his depression and his cutting (self "mutilation").
DS1 & DD2's Father died a horrible death in a self involved car accident 7 years ago. DS1 never dealt with it.
As soon as he hit the junior high years he went down hill fast! He dropped out of hockey, lost most of his interests. Wasn't doing drugs...yet. I tried everything in my resources to help him but each passing year became more and more difficult. His STRONG dislike for my husband, and that his dad had put my H down to him did not help. Then there were all of the issues with my H's alcoholism, the fights..... agh!
To be honest, I do not know how I held out in this situation all these years as I reflect on it!
And when I think of the he!! the kids and I went through during H's drinking and legal stuff and the fights....How many times I tried to and wanted to leave my husband yet kept hanging in here for him and supporting him through everything...
Makes me wonder if my son feels betrayed by ME? Next time we talk, or when he gets home, I am going to ask him about this.
But at any rate, I do know that this kid does love me after all, after all his proclaimed hatred of me and I know that I have not failed him for the most part.
Now if I can just talk him out of body/facial piercings till he is 18 I'll be ok..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> LOL!
That should be my ONLY problem!

In regards to your W.... This exposure maybe just the thing now to really get your recovery off the ground. There is SOMETHING in the past that built up to her acting this way now.... for her to compareyou to OM or to be so materialistic is to me some kind of symptom of something else? I don't know.... Has she always been this way?

For my H & I, I know what alot of our issues are and I believe he does also. But communication is not our strong point. Never has been. And that good old conflict avoidance. Brush it under the rug and maybe it'll go away!
So I have been acting as our guidance counselor as well as the BS and home manager and all my other titles and duties.
My point is...(sorry I got off on a ramble).... I know we have to get to the root or beginning of where we went wrong in our marriage that led us to this place in life now. If we can not get that "fixed" or changed to where we can communicate and do these POJA & POP... things will always be the same for us and the marriage will die as it was on that path for some time before his A.
Your wife has to get through her fog and what ever her "control" issues are and see there is hope and her own need to change.... otherwise I do not know how your are going to do this, fix this on your own?
I know I feel like I am in this on my own 75% of the time.
But still I fight. If it is going to end then I can say I gave it my ALL. But it will then end on my terms.

Well, I hope you are doing well considering all you have gone through the past 2 days....and then some.
I am hoping and praying for light at the end of our tunnels.

Be well,

Hi Harmonie,

Thanks for your words of support on the other thread... it was a rough couple of days for me. I expected with exposing to OMW that it would be rough, what threw me was I had a false hope that it was going to be ok when my W held onto me most of the night after hearing about what OM said about her. I just was not prepared for SIL's anger... I still don't know who she was angry at... I think everyone... because I expected, out of anyone in my W's family, to get some support from her. She has since said to my W that she feels she was not fair to me... she just was reacting to the news.

I know your feeling about being on auto pilot. I think with the exposure over, I can just sit back for a while and try to be patient and calm. Attending the funeral I went to this morning reminded me of the importance of family and that Unconditional Love never dies. I want to learn that kind of love... therefore I need to know that irregardless of what my W does, I do still love her.

One of the best pieces of advice I've read is not to judge progress on a daily basis... look at it over a monthly basis. The rollercoaster is too up and down to judge daily. If we do, our head will be spinning.

As to your son coming home... it sounds like it may be difficult with so much going on. I wonder if almost a Plan A is needed with your son to help him... to show him you love him but will not stand for destructive behaviour. Has he had any counselling? You are right that he may have felt betrayed... with his F dying, and going through those teenage years... he just wants to know that you are there for him, yet he wants to push the boundaries. It is hard for a teenage boy to not have a father figure around that he respects... he needed that to grow into his own masculinity.
The drumming sounds awesome... praise him and take interest in it if it is what he likes doing. Music is my passion as well (piano and trumpet)... I took one year of university in music before dropping out, returning home and started dating my W. You said he played hockey... I would assume you are in a northern state or our great land of Canada, then?

As to my W, I do believe the exposure will help... it just will take some more time. She has battled with depression since her parents were divorced when she was 12. Her Dad tried committing suicide a few times and it was a messy situation. She never got any help for it.... then she had a stepfather during her teenage years (I am still wondering if there was any abuse from her father or stepfather... the stepfather, who is now dead, was named for abusing another friend of mine... his nephew... and just so happens to be the brother of OM) Then she found out about 5 years ago that her dad was not her biological father, and she found out from someone besides her Mom. Not to mention that she felt she had to protect and take care of her Mom and still does. Her past is a mess. I never realized it until now all the affects it has had on her. I can completely understand her going into a numbed state with an identity problem. You add in her Mom moving in with us, me not being a great communicator, her not finding a career she is happy with, and working for a year with a tyrant... I believe I understand a lot of what lead to the A. She just didn't and doesn't know who she is or what she wants. I don't excuse it... we all have problems and have to face up to our decisions... but I understand it.

Yes I will also continue to fight. I love my W and the person I fell in love with is still there somewhere... maybe slightly changed, but still someone worth loving. I realize we are fighting something bigger than the A... we are trying to fix ourselves and rebuild a relationship. The A was just a messy symptom of all the other problems. That's what I want my W to understand and I think she is starting to.

I asked her last night, when I said that I am ok to wait for more answers... just answer my 1st question... "What was missing in our marriage prior to the A and what 3 things would she most want me to change or improve to meet her needs." She said that this is not about me needing to change... the problems are herself. I said I realize that but I cannot change her... I can just improve myself. Atleast she realizes some of this. Now I have to show her love through patience. She hates what I did earlier in the week and thinks I betrayed her... but I have faith she will get over that just like I am willing to get over her betrayal of an A.

Have a good evening. I have to take one of my sons to his hockey practice tonight, about 40 minutes outside of the city... they get cheaper ice out there, but then we spend more on gas...LOL.

Shaden

Hi Shaden,
I have not checked your thread yet, but I am guessing you are back home now? If so I believethat to be the best choice all around for you, W & Kids. And what you said about not measuring progress in days rather do so by months is am AWSOME way to go.... I am going to start taking that advice. With all the ups and downs in my emotions I could easily FOG out the positives I have seen this past few weeks. But at the same time, fear and suspicion are still not gone. So I will continue to wear my detective cap, but try to stay at peace and find comfort in the little progresses H is making towards me.

I can see how your wife must be struggling! Wow! Have you ever said if she was seeing an IC? NO, her behaivior can not be excused by her past issues but the A and her sich is a major symptom. She is fortunate that you are understanding to her about these issues.
So hang in there , like you said, BE PAITIENT! .... this coming from one of the worlds most impaitient women! LOL!

I live in Minnesota. And proudley claim to be one of the first girls to be on a hockey league! 1975 actually was the first year for girls teams in our state and there were about 5 or 6 teams. Back them we could check and fight like the guys...not like today where we all have to play nice!
I had DS1, DD1, and DD2 all in hockey for 3 years. DD2 was only 4 and so tiny she was drowning in the smallest gear!
Son was an awsome goalie...figures too cause goalies have to have a different type of personality to be able to take pucks flying at them like they do! He was a joy to watch!
I love Hockey though so I am quite prejudice about it! LOL!
I am actually hoping to get on a womens team this winter with my cousin. I have my sons gear ...but I have to make sure my knee can take it first...lol... I have had 2 acl
re-constructions in L knee.

I have actually thought about plan A'ing my son when he gets home. But as for the parenting I hope my H can just leave it to me and H & DS will just try to re establish some type of "friendship". The way I see it, I have only 1 year left till he is 18... then he'll be off and about in the world. I want to use that time to get as close as we can and let him know I will always be here for him.
His music is the #1 driving force in his life & I am constantly amazed by his skill & talent! He took a few drum lessons but when he stated getting into trouble we stopped them. So for the most part, he is a self taught musician, drums and guitar. He is also presently taking courses in recording and visual art. As long as he can stay away from the drugs I know he will go far with his music. And I believe he knows this too.

Well, this week has been a roller coaster for both of us. I had been stressing over the bills and lack of $$$ ...hate the juggling act I have been doing for the last 6 months.
Then to top that stress off the fear of H having to do over time ...meaning more op's to see OW at work. He had at first told me he was definately working 3 full weeks straight this month. But then I guess mngment closed the shop last weekend so he didn't have to go in. Then he was for sure going in for the next 3 weekends . But now this weekend we have 2 B-day parties for family and he knows I'd not be able to go due to the driving distance and the anxiety attacks I have been having the last 3 months when I drive the freeway
Plus he does not want to miss the family things, either.
|He said the only way he could work and be with us for the parties was if he were to work 3rd shift...which is her shift. I gave a swift He!! no! No explanation was even needed,he understands me loud and clear. I told him once I don't care about the $... I'd rather file bankruptcy and live in a 1 bedroom aptartment with all 6 of us (OMG!!!!!) than to have him be in any contact with OW and loose him and our marriage. Though that would probably kill us ,too! LOL! J/K!
I will find a way to make things work with the bills and $$ ... I always do. Somehow. We just have to bemore frugal than we ever have been and I have to get H involved in the process as well. That is a part of the old "us" that needs to change. He needs to step into the role of being "head of the house" and be more aware of what it takes to run this "business". I think if he had been more involved there would have been less chance of his being ableto get into an A. I have always been the "CEO" and he was just "middle Mngmnt" ... I have been ready to step down and elect him as the CEO for a few years but we never took the time to do it ...or even run things together. Now THAT would be my ideal choice.
Any suggestions from a mans point of view how to change these roles we are in? With as little LB's and CA as possible?
How do you handle the finances in your family?

Well, so much for a quick post! LOL....much on the mind I guess and the need to chat.

Be well,

Hi Harmonie...

I handle the finances very badly...LOL.

Seriously, I pay most of the bills online, I make a budget which we never stick to... and because of my co-dependence issues, I would always agree to buy things my W wanted to try and make her happy... therefore we are in debt.

We are now making a conscious effort to get out... hence the move in our house.

I am redoing our budget and hope to get my W's buy in. I will generally do a draft and sit down and discuss it with her.

Next, I plan to set up different "accounts" and for some things I will literally put the money in an envelope at home... we only use the money there... if it's not there then we don't buy something or we have to sacrifice from a different "account". This is not a sophisticated system but when I used it a few years ago when our income was a lot less, it worked very well. When the income grew, I went away from this system and the debt grew as well.

Unfortunately, I have not yet figured out the conflict avoidance with finances. Because in the past I would buy everything she wanted (within reason, of course)... now, with her out of a job, I am finding that she is still going out and spending money we shouldn't... she bought a new winter coat today... on sale... but just for in the arenas at our boys games... she bought one for the same reason last year... but somehow, it's not warm enough for this year. Yet she said she's concerned the one she got today is not warm enough either. I just thought of that now while I'm typing... maybe I should be questioning. Because I haven't set up our "account" system yet, I didn't say anything.

I don't know if any of this helps.

I'll "talk" to you over the weekend, maybe.

Shaden

I will give that system a try. I do already use 2 diff checking accounts, 1 for bills & 1 for extras. However we did not stick with that system well, either.
Right now I have to just stick to the bills only plan.
Except I do have 2 b-day gifts this weekend to get for kids. Why do B days always fall when your tapped out?

Be well,

Harmonie,

Your wild are up against the almighty RED WINGS tonight. I will wager the burden of my wife's OM against the burden of your husband's OW. The loser assumes all the burden. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mr. Wondering

HAHAHAHA! Your very funny my friend!
I wouldn't bet with that wager with my second to worst enemy! I am just tooo nice!!! LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

GO WILD!!!!!!!hehehe!

Now if I can only find the channel it's on! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi Harmonie,

How's your week going so far? Mine, as usual, has been up and down, but I just had a pretty good conversation with my W in which she says that she will now try and answer my questions... she knows she needs to be honest with me. This was prompted from a call from OMW asking a couple of questions. She also gave me more info, which my W wants to make sure I get her side of the story.

We had a snow storm here today so I ended up coming home from work. My boys went to school, though, so they weren't too happy.

Talk to you soon.

Shaden

Hi Shaden, I am glad to hear from you and it all looks so good that things are FINALLY moving forward in a positive direction for you and your W! I am a firm believer that when all the Crap is out in the open that is when things can finally move ahead!

I still have not finished my talks and questions with my H. It's like I don't want to spoil any good feelings we have during the week as we only get to have 1 hour together each day before he goes to work.
Then on the weekends I am hesitant as we have things we need to do or the kids are fighting for our attention. It is tough because my questions and concerns can get the better of me some days.
Yesterday I was feeling pretty insecure as H told me before I left for work that he was going to work over time and if it had to be on 3rd shift so be it, no matter what I said about it. I left really shaken up, but I held it together and calmly said to him that we need to talk about this when I get home and that it is not fair of him to disregard my feelings this way, even if his only concern is to catch up on the bills.
So, when I got home he was in the yard raking leaves. He apologized for how he talked to me that morning and explained that he was just so frustrated at how things are falling apart for us financially.
Then we smashed our halloween punkins and had a blast...I was batting at chunks with a hockey stick after I slashed them to pieces!!! Was a great tension breaker. (and I have to admit I DID pretend it was OW's head a few times! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />)
Then a bit later we started talking about what we have to do to get our house ready to sell by next summerr if we want to move and I suddenly burst into tears! It had been building up and I said "What is REALLY going to happen if we get the place ready to sell...are we going to sell and move together or after we get our bills caught up and sell are you going your own way? Are you going to really stay with me in this marriage?" He held me tighly and said yes , he wants us to stay together and get our family into a better home and neighborhood. I asked him if he really truely belives in US and in how much I want things to be right again for us and he says YES and he knows that it is real and coming from our hearts.
I felt so much better after that, but then of course it was time for him to leave for work, so I was then left to ride the waves of emotion alone.
I ended up staying home from work today due to a hellacious headache, so we were able to spend some casual time together hanging out and then in the afternoon he went with me to a DR appt, and then we went for coffee before he had to go to work. I decided not to bring up any thing serious and just enjoy our time together "just being".
So, as it stands now, I am in better spirits, and feeling more confident.
I am also still super overwhelmed by the bills situation and I have comitted myself to some extra work obligations that are more than I should have taken on. But I feel better able to deal with these things when my mind is more at ease about our Marriage and I can see some progress.
I have been copying some posts by others here to share with my H to give him some more insight to what I am dealing with and other WS's perspectives. Some of the people here have a great way of putting things into words that I have been trying to find a way to say myself. And some of the things they write are very inspiring!
Well, He just called to check in and let me know he is on his way home from work. I am nervous because it is a 45 minute drive and the roads have gotten quite icy and it is really windy tonight.
We are expecting 3-5 inches of snow here. I sure hope I don't have outdoor recess at school tomorrow!!!! I'm not ready yet!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> LOL!!!

Be well,

Hi Harmonie,

I saw your message on the other thread... sorry I haven't been posting much lately.

I will try and be around at 12:30... if not, then I will tonight.

Shaden

Holey MAn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When it rains it pours in my life and I seem to forget my umbrella!

Hi Shaden,

It was 3 months since d-day on Sunday. I have been in the emotional pits for the last 3 days , but I think I see some light at the end of the tunnel , at least as the work week ends and the holiday approaches.
I did not get on here at all yesterday and my work duties changed at the last minute. I spent 80 minutes outside on playground duty .... I can now add to my list of things that bug me... 6th grade boys are "evil" ....LOL...AGH!!!!
Then when I got home I had to rush, sign some refi papers, Finish an assignment for my other job and then go to the office and do another project. Got home at 8:00 and then kids, kids, kids, and then collapsed in bed at 10:30.....

THAT is just some of the "normal" crazieness of my life....LOL


On Sunday Iasked H some questions and asis his way he became edgey and defensive, But did answer me. I knew to prepare myself to be upset by certain answeres but I was not prepared for this one...
I asked him if he had felt any quilt or remorse or had second thoughts about going through with his plan to spend the entire day and night with the OW after the talk we had had 2 weeks before his plotted "fishing trip".
In the talk I had asked him point blank if he was having an affair and he laughed at me saying "you know me better than that...no I am not" then me kissed and "made up"...
He told me "absolututley No" He did not have any second thoughts about going through with his plan, felt NO guilt or remorse and that was what it was......
I fell apart ...... I did not think he would have no lack of conscience about F***ing me and then going to her ..... I thought more of him and his character than that!

There is much much more I need to say but I must get to work now....
One other quick OTthing though... I learned Monday that a dear friend's daughter is lying in the Hosp. in a coma, she tried to HANG herself , over breakiing up with her BF, she is only 19 and a beautiful girl.... only child....

Then , another friend has started her chemo treatment after learning last week that she has Myoliosarcoma and the cancer has moved to her lungs......

Saturday night my Mother fell and broke her hip...she is only 57 ...tons of med probs.....

And I STILL have not paid the bills from Oct, or for Nov......

I am so losing it!!!! I have NO focus anymore!!!!!!!!!

I'll be back later....

Hi Harmonie,

I wish I had the words of wisdom for you that could make a difference... if you look at my life and sich, you will see that I seem to be screwing up every way I turn.

I've heard life being described as a series of seasons... and when we are going through a winter season of difficulty, it will always be followed by a spring with new life and meaning. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are not just going through a winter... but one ****** of a blizzard.

One good thing about your H's words to you... atleast he is being honest??? My W had SF with me 3 or 4 times during our family trip to California... this was after the A had started... and then she couldn't wait to contact OM as soon as we got back home. I haven't gotten to the question yet if at any time, she felt guilty and wanted to quit the A.

The only advice I can give is to stay true to yourself and your integrity. Whether your R works out or not is still a question, but you need to know that you have handled yourself with integrity and love throughout. I realize now, that some of my actions lowered myself and I am now feeling the shame of my weakness while trying to cope with the A.

I'll keep watching to see if you are on so we can chat some more.

take care..

Shaden

Shaden....
short note...too much stress to even think straight and write about it all.... But I have to tell this to you and anyone who may read my posts....

My friends daughter who was in the coma because she hung herself on Sunday night, died tonight. She had zero brain function and when they disconnected the life support she passed away in 3 minutes. The hospital hall was packed with college and high school friends, and all of our friends.

I know suicide is a damning sin, I pray God is able to forgive her and recieve her soul. She was a hurt confused little girl...

Harmonie,

I'm very sorry to hear this latest news. With going through what I have these past months and the thoughts of suicide came up a few times... but never were the thoughts strong enough to do anything about it. I cannot fathom the depth of despair that would cause this fatal decision.

My prayers go out to your friend and her family as well as to you.

Have a peaceful night.

Shaden

Hi Shaden,
Yes, to be honest, suicide crossed my mind also on more than one occaision. Sunday afternoon as a matter of fact. When blindsided by unimaginable pain and betrayal, the following confusion and desperation leads me to the darkest place in my mind. Fortunately for me (and my children) I am terrified of the concept of death and my fear of there not being a heaven after all..... of course I wouldn't go there if I killed myself and THAT is not acceptable in my mind either! The finality of death is a subject that I have never been able to accept.
Also the fear of where and how and by who my children would be raised .... there are NO acceptable options there other than by ME and I would NEVER be so selfish as to hurt my children with that kind of trauma.....
And in Christian thinking, suicide is one of the enemy's greatest accomplishments to destroy .... I will never give in to the enemy! So, I move on from those evil thoughts and pick myself up and trudge onward.

Well, H is home from work, we were supposed to be enjoying each others company and such but he is sucked into eating his pizza and watching the discovery channel...as usual. Waiting for ME to make the advances and dote on him.... this is getting tiresome, this plan A buisiness.

Good night and Be well,