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Alluring, you stated that you would not be honest with a future partner about your dating life, further you implied that you wouldn't trust them to be honest with you. AGG quickly pointed out that a relationship built on mistrust and dishonesty will likely end in someone getting hurt..... I must say I concur with him.... a date isn't a partner In an earlier post you mentioned cake-eating in reference to men or something like that.... Well if you want an exclusive relationship that leads somewhere positive and healthy you are going to have to stop cake-eating. I'm not cake eating...although I wouldn't mind trying it for once like you men do. 1st your going to have to get divorced. No shi*t...it's in the works 2nd you'll likely have to give up your sex buddy. why?? He may end up being THE ONE...he's just not ready for it now...I'm not going any where yet...just stepping back some to protect my heart. 3rd you'll have to cultivate a healthy relationship with appropriate boundaries without clouding the relationship before it has a chance to grow roots. Yes, there are other ways to go about it but more times than not those ways end in yet another heart break. I suppose I'll learn that in time once I finish reading all the Harley books I have on my nightstand. That being said, if you're looking for a sex-buddy and a good time, power to you, that's great. Just don't build unrealistic expectations of what you have. Exactly! we finally agree on something.
Me, 43
DS18, DD12
Divorce final May 10, 2007
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See this is why I don't do the multiple dating thing...lol...and why I wanted answers from J so I could either cut loose of him or take it to another level with him.
I'm damned if I don't just take his actions for what they are and I'm damned if I asked him what's going on because I shouldn't have to ask it should be obvious and I'm damned if I say nothing at all and just assume crap...UGHHHHHHHHH!!!
Me, 43
DS18, DD12
Divorce final May 10, 2007
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So.... I'm confused now. Are you happy with the way things are with J, or not?
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...he's just not ready for it now... How can you be damned if you know the answer already. He's not ready either by your admission or his so what is the question? So you have what you have, someone whom you sleep with who is not ready to have an exclusive relationship..... It is exactly what you signed up for. And who can blame him, not knowing where he's at emotionally, I'll still say 'why buy the cow when the milk is free'. IMVHO, you set your boundaries for the relationship in the beginning, he's followed them, and know you're not happy with them. I can relate to his confusion. Heck, maybe it's just sex for him.
Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz
Bill
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LOL...me too Faith. This is new territory for me Faith. I am trying very very hard to be happy with things the way they are. I miss being loved and loving and that's where alot of my conflict with myself lies. I do care about J alot. I think he cares alot about me. But yet I'm torn with flat out asking questions to him. I want to know. I'm the type of person who needs to hear the answers to get it. When I broached it with him before he left it at he "didn't know what he wanted". I ASSume he still doesn't know what he wants so internally I know I shouldn't ask again Alluring;
I can SOOOO relate to the "status" issue. I lived and breathed it with my last BF. I was never sure where I stood with him. And any time I tried to analyze it or discuss it with him was me "pressuring him."
That was never really the issue. I wasn't DYING to pin him down. I would have been fine with ANY description, but I always felt off-balance cuz I didn't know what the ground rules were. Is it OK for me to date others? Do I have to tell you that I am? If I meet someone can I give them my number? Are you still shopping for someone else? If you go out with your friends are you still meeting other women and getting their phone numbers?
I just never really knew what was fair or unfair. And the frustrating part for me was that I would be OK either way I JUST WANTED TO KNOW! It was definetly not worth pursuing because I constantly got labeled as pressuring him.
I think your J would view it the same. This posting from Lexxy was so right on the money. I just wanna know!
Me, 43
DS18, DD12
Divorce final May 10, 2007
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Ahhhh... there ya go, LH.
And you're not damd if you do, damd if you don't, allurin, unless you choose to be. You can't control J, his "readiness", or many aspects of this relationship. But what can you control? You've already touched on it... STEP BACK... make some decisions for YOURSELF... to protect yourself... so that you DON'T feel taken advantage of... so that you DON'T feel confused and trapped.
One post you say you LIKE your sitch with J... the next one you DON'T LIKE it.
This means you need to set some boundaries for yourself, and decide what you REALLY want for YOURSELF - not based on what J wants - not based on what those other guys want - but what YOU want.
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I'll still say 'why buy the cow when the milk is free'. OTOH, why buy the car, unless you know the engine works? Besides, as far as analogies go, I suspect GreenEyes is more like a sleek sports car than a cow, ya know?
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We've had lots of posts and threads about these topics before.
How soon do you owe full disclosure to a date? How much information are they entitled to right off the bat?
There are different answers to this all the time!
Personally -- when I was multiple dating I did not talk about my longer term partners in detail with someone I just met. When a relationship becomes sexual they are absolutely entitled to know what situation they are getting themselves into, and make that choice for themself.
But there were LOTS of guys that I dated only a few times and knew I wasn't going to see again -- they're not entitled to my life story and all my personal information.
I really agree with Alluring -- a date isn't a partner.
My guideline was to never be dishonest. But it was up to me the pace and quantity of information to share at any certain time.
Now when I met Larry, and saw the quality of person he was -- all others went away instantly. But even he doesn't know EVERYTHING about me yet.
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My guideline was to never be dishonest. But it was up to me the pace and quantity of information to share at any certain time. Dishonesty is often in the eye of the beholder. How many times have we heard someone say that they were not being dishonest, just didn't "get around" to disclosing the truth? IMO, when it comes to dating, a large part of the burden falls on the shoulders of the person holding (or withholding) the information. If you are on a dating site (unless it's Cheaters.com), most people would assume that you are single - if you are not, you really should disclose that fact, or else you are dishonest. If you are involved with someone, especially sexually, and you are on a dating site (unless it is Players.com), and are saying that you are looking for a relationship, most people would assume that you are not already in a serious relationship - and if you are, you really should disclose that fact, or else you are dishonest. There are many litmus tests for these, one of the best ones being would you want to know the information that you are withholding if the shoe were on the other foot? Lexxxy, you are saying how quickly you dumped all your other guys when Larry came along - would you want to know if he is sleeping with someone else right now? Alluring, if "everyone does it" (i.e. play the field), then there should be no risk on being honest and telling your dates upfront that you are sleeping with a guy who MIGHT be the ONE, and are just checking out the field - at least that way you are giving a guy who is not interested in that a chance to not get involved - this is not divulging "personal information", it is simply being honest. AGG
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One post you say you LIKE your sitch with J... the next one you DON'T LIKE it. Yip, I am glad I am not the only one who noticed this. More than anything, this inconsistency is a warning sign, IMO. AGG
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I'll still say 'why buy the cow when the milk is free'. OTOH, why buy the car, unless you know the engine works? I think you are actually supporting Bill's point... If Alluring's guy can tinker with the engine anytime he wants to, why would he want to buy the car? So if her engine is readily available for tinkering, she shouldn't be surprised that tinkering is all he'll do, without buying. AGG
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Why buy the Pig when all you want is a little sausage?
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Why buy the Pig when all you want is a little sausage? So many pigs, so many sausages, so little time...
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I'm glad a few of you are getting my point...lol..I was feeling like an alien there for a little bit. Besides, as far as analogies go, I suspect GreenEyes is more like a sleek sports car than a cow, ya know? A sleek sports cow maybe...LOL
Last edited by AllurinGreenEyes; 10/25/05 02:37 PM.
Me, 43
DS18, DD12
Divorce final May 10, 2007
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I'm glad a few of you are getting my point...lol..I was feeling like an alien there for a little bit. I'm not sure I am one of the select few <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. To me, I still see you vacillating from one day being frustrated that the pig is not for sale, and the next day saying that you don't want a pig, just a little sausage... I am sure the pig is very confused by this, as am I <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. AGG
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Tinker away!! LOL
Okay seriously...I'm off to really think about my situation and going to talk to J tonight once and for all.
I'll be back with an update when I can.
Me, 43
DS18, DD12
Divorce final May 10, 2007
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I'm off to really think about my situation and going to talk to J tonight once and for all. Don't tell him you just want a little sausage, he might feel inadequate, hehehehe...
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lol...he wouldn't believe me anyways <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Me, 43
DS18, DD12
Divorce final May 10, 2007
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lol...he wouldn't believe me anyways <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Careful with the sausage, GreenEyes. It's hard on your cholesterol. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
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and here I thought it only contained protein <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Me, 43
DS18, DD12
Divorce final May 10, 2007
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