Hi, d-day was 8-13 and I told WW to move out. Been doing plan A since as best I can. But it's tough when she's away. I don't recieve much in return bit I understand thats normal. I've got a tough week coming up and need all the support I can get. Advise too. Her 50th birthday is next Thursday and she signed a 1 yr lease on an apartment which she moves into 11-1. I went to the local drug store to get her a card for both occasions last night and broke down and had to leave empty handed. We are seeing a Mc seperately. I have an appt this afternoon. Being alone with my thoughts is the worst. I must have been thinking too much last night as I woke up in a cold sweat just soaked. This 3-4 hours of sleep a night has got to stop right? I have support from family and friends but feel sometimes as though I lean on them too much. Thats why I'm here. I know I'm not alone in this feeling. I pray everyday for a clear mind and a clear path to follow. Please include me in your prayers as I'll do the same for everyone.

Gotta do more than include you in our prayers..... u need a plan.

Please read the concepts section above, then read the following:

1. Surviving an Affair - Dr W. Harley
2. His Needs/Her Needs - Dr Harley
3. Love must be tough - Dr James Dobson

Take the EN Questionnaire located above.

Call Jennifer C @ MB to set some phone counseling.

U will survive.

take care,
L.

Jasper - your family and friends won't mind supporting you if they love and care about you. But if you really think you are wearing them out, there are so many wonderful people here who will offer you great advice and, more importantly, you will see you are not alone. People here understand EXACTLY how you feel and what you are going through. TT

Jasper,
I am glad your here, but sorry that you need to be here. The not sleeping gets old very fast-I know. For weeks, this mess was the last thing I thought about at night and the first thing that popped into my head (if I wasn't already dreaming about it). I'll leave the marriage advice to the experts here, but there are a few strange sounding things that have been suggested to me that really seem to work on my serenity level. Just thought I would throw them out for you:

1. Each night, before I go to bed, I make a quick list of what happened that day, no details, just a jotting down of my day-then I throw it away.

2. I pray only for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry that out.

3. I sit on the bed, putting my palms on the bottoms of my bare feet. Sitting like this for a few minutes, just breathing and being.

4. In a stressful situation, I draw with my finger, the infinity sign (like a figure 8) on the palm of my hand.

These may sound strange or silly, but they were suggested to me when I was willing to do anything to get some peace. Maybe some or all of them will help you.

Jasper,

I was feeling much like you do now last night. I also have been leaning on my family and friends heavily. They love you and want to be there for you. It probably hurts them to see you going through this. I am glad I found this website, and anytime you are feeling that you need to talk to someone there are plenty of people here that can feel your pain. Do things that make you feel good, do things that you've always wanted to do, use this time to become a better you. I went shopping with just me and my son, for the 1st time in years I didn't buy stuff off the sale rack,I also got my nails done and went tanning. do something like this for yourself, excersize, go to a game, watch a movie you like.. whatever ever it is you like. Also You have to realize that its nice to have our spouses around but we do not need them to survive. Bad things do happen for good reasons..

Tough situations don't last, but strong people do

My prayers are with you


M 26
H 28
DD 6 yrs old
D day 3 Sept 05
PLan A 21 Sept 05
My husband let the 7 year ich get him

Just wanted to say we are all here for you! You are lucky you have family and friends to lean on. Read and ask questions here. There are a lot of knowledgable people with good advice. This is a long road and not a fun one. Keep posting!!

Jasper,

My prayers are for you at this terrible time in your life.
Wow, she signed a 1yr lease! I don't know what to say, except my sympathy for you. Don't blame yourself, it's not your fault. You will get better over time.

Call all prayer chains you can find.


When depression hits me hard and it's usually only during crisis times, that I'm not able to sleep. I take a womans multi-vitamin and an extra vitamin B-complex. It really does help my sleeping, and takes the fatigue away (the physical heaviness feeling). It helps a lot with all physical effects of depression. Taking them before bed time is the best, around 8pm. Also a glass of milk before bed helps.

Keeping Christian radio on (soothing inspirational music, not loud) throughout the night helps also.

If it is difficult to eat all meals, just eat small meals throughout the day.

I hear from men that working out at the gym or a local YMCA helps a lot, and is stress relieving.

This is your new before bedtime routine....

1. Prayer
2. Mens multi-vitamin plus an extra b-complex.
3. Glass of milk
4. Inspirational radio/music... if it doesn't distract you from sleeping. It does help take your mind off of neg thoughts though.

Hoping you feel better soon.

Lady

Just a quick update. I came home early today from work after only putting a half a day. Thank goodness I have the vacation time left to do it. I just couldn't handle any situyation that popped up. I don't know what to tell you all but I;m lost,desperate and all hope seems tp be gone. With my wife gone for another year I'm bound to feel like this for that long and it feels like it's gonna be 10 yrs. Help needed. I'm seeing my counsellor this afternoon and wish i could stay as long as i wanted.

(((jasper)))Glad you are here...sorry you have to be. This website saved my sanity. I too have family and friends who have been supportive but they often don't know what to say or do to help. The folks here do. The good news is you won't feel this way forever...the bad news its not easy.

Orchid is right you need to make a plan. Doing something makes things more tolerable. Your concentration will come back. Let the people around you know whats going on. I recieved a tremendous amount of support from the people I work with.

Have you posted details of your situation?
Have you eaten today? Take a deep breath. You will be fine.

Hi jasper,

I'm new here but not new to the feelings of lost hope. Earlier this year I drank two fifths of bourbon within about a four hour time frame trying to drink myself to death. I ended up on life support for 24 hours.

That was after I had already lost around 40 lbs because I couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't work.

I lost another 20 lbs.

Then one day I took 30 klonopin and drank a pint of vodka all within 20 minutes. I woke up two days later in ICU with those tubes running down my throat again, and this time my arms strapped by my side. They told me I had been trying to pull out the catheter.


And you know what? I don't even know if I was actually trying to kill myself or just trying to forget my life. I guess it doesn't matter once the charcoal goes in.

But I am here today to tell you that things DO get better.

I've read that we are ALL emotionally ill to one extend or another from our childhoods and growing up. The same reading said once you realize that, it only makes sense to work on yourself because you cannot work on others. No need for anger, resentment, remorse...We only hurt ourselves. Resentment and anger is like drinking poison hoping the other person dies from it.

That helped me at least to think about that at least. I'm not saying you are full of resentment or anger, but you have great pain and it's hurting you, not anyone else.

Jasper...keep posting! I know this is hard...believe me we all do!! We are all here for you. Read and take care of yourself. Do as the others have suggested. Do something nice for yourself, take a walk, exercise, eat something yummy. Ice cream goes down easy!

I thought I would never be fine when I first posted here...but I am and you will be too.

jasper, i am very surprised no one has said this to you yet.

if you want to save your marriage, and it sounds like you do, you should invite her to come back home!!! you need to be under the same roof.

what does other think about that??

like i said, i am surprised you have not been given this advice already.

you are in too much emotional shock to make any decisions right now. the biggest one being a divorce. it sounds like she is in NC with OM. yes?? and it sounds like she wants to try.

invite her home. this is the advice the harley's give too. you have to be together to work this out. being seperated is the worst thing.

FinallyLearning,

That's probably a great idea, but she has already signed a lease for a year. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

and why does that matter??? break the lease or let it sit empty. those two need to be under the same roof!

Is the A over??

As far as the A she has told me it's over. It was with her ex-husband. He cheated on her causing a divorce and now is cheating on his present wife. Not someone she could trust I suppose. My WW didn't discuss her plans with until after lease was signed. After I found out I expressed my feelings to her. They were if she could stick it out a few more weeks/months were she is at that maybe she could move back in. I really was and am still in a bad place emotionally. She then tried to see about getting out of lease to no avail. Probably a good sign! I need to tell you folks here that you're help/encouragment is what I need right now. Thanks

Does she have an option to sublet?

If so, and when you are ready, see if she will advertise for someone to take the appt... maybe even at a reduced rate. You both are bearing the cost of 2 places anyway, you can still bring her back home. It is generally easier to rebuild and recover when you are able to be together.

Shaden

If you are serious about getting out of the lease email a copy of it to my address below and I can hopefully figure out a way. I am a tax attorney and have done my share of business and residential lease/real estate work. The sooner you address the issue the better...especially before she moves in on Nov. 1.

For example, you go and inspect the place and find some damp places or places that were previous wet. You claim you have severe allergies and the walls, carpet and everything needs to be replaced before you can move in because of mold issues. There is usually a lease clause (or it is just presumed by State Law) indicating the place must be fit for habituality. You need to find ways that it is not fit and force them to do so much repair work that they would rather just have you move on than move in.

Another example, if you do not take possession of the rental unit perhaps you will only be out the security deposit.

Your wife may have only asked the landlord. Like he/she will just give up the lease and income potential that easy. What does the lease say? That is the question.

Finally, the real question may be whether your WW wants out of the lease or is she just giving you lip-service. Whatever...

I am truly sorry you are going through this.

I am available if you need assistance. I also will not and can not charge you. I am not licensed to practice law in your state or country (unless you are in Michigan...but I'd help a fellow Michigander/Michiganian free anyway).

Mr. Wondering

Thanks Mrwondering for the suggestions but it is a brand new apartment complex. the walk thru before she moves in in this case is probably just a formality. We have dicussed the sublet option and I have offered to help. Ball is in her court now for as I mentioned she knows my timeline. which isn't set in stone I might add. I have not seen the lease. She did tell me she did not have to pay a security deposit because she took over lease from someone else and they forfieted the security deposit. In my opinion she was pressured from salesperson and didn't want to back out. I didn't help by kicking her out upon confirmation of affair. A couple highly significant decisions made while in emotional turmoil I'm afraid. BUT her decision was the worst(referring to A). Again thanks for the help. I'm feeling better tonite. Spent evening on a hay ride and dinner with family and that was just what the doctor ordered. I had even invited WW to go along. But she declined and I understood.

Does Jasper relate to Jasper, Indiana?

I did my undergraduate studies at Indiana University though I grew up and returned to Michigan after my four years there.