Someone asked me recently whether there is ever an 'appropriate time and/or method' for an OP to apologize to the spouse of his affair partner.

They are truly remoseful but I advised them that the BS would probably not be very receptive to hearing anything from them. I told them to just vanish from their lives and let them pick up the pieces.

Any thoughts/opinions or experience with this?

Was my advice out of line?

Thanks for your input.

Yes I think your answer was correct. What good would it do? I know if I heard from the Ow I would take her head off. It would cause more trouble as I would loose it big time.

I'd say you were accurate.

It took me quite a while to get past the fact that the A was never about the OW in particular anyway. It was about me and FWH and what was wrong with our marriage. OW didn't betray me, my H did. She played a role, yes. But I have come to believe that he chose her only because she was willing. If it hadn't been her, then eventually, it would have been someone else.

I have to suspect that OW would possibly be the only one to gain from apologizing. But again, in my case, OW never grasped that her actions were improper in any way.

I don't ever want to hear from her, she is part of a very unpleasant period in my life.

^

Any others?

I got an 'aplogoy' letter from the OW. It was filled with innuendos to hurt myself, Xws and my family. It was sent on more than 1 occassion and the babble was great.

So should an OP send a letter to a BS and family? NO. Even if it was 100% genuine, there's no guarantee it w/b taken as such.

U see, the OPs have such a bad reputation brought on by their own course of conduct that even if they did a good deed now and again, it wouldn't really count. Though the OPs want full credit for all good acts and full exhoneration for all bad ones. Yea right!?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Best practice is to move forward and if you are the OP, change your title by never practice being an OP ever again. The down side is you get to keep the history but you don't have to make it your future.

JMHO,
L.

I asked this same question awhile back and got the same responses. You can search under my username and apology to read those responses too....as this is a low traffic time. But as I said, all of the responses were pretty much the same: it only makes FWS feel better, not BS, and is more likely to conjur up old bad feelings.

Plus, apologizing seems to belittle the transgression--"you *%^&&*^*& my life--and then you APOLOGIZE." Was one response... Some BS may find it insulting.

You can't unring a bell.

The OW in my sitch actually asked my H if she could call me and apologize..after he asked her for no more contact. She ended up emailing me a letter through my H's work email after he told her that he did not think it was a good idea. It actually sounded very nice, but when I sent a letter basically telling her to leave me and my H alone and that I did not want any sort of apology from her( I sent it BEFORE I actually read what she wrote), she sent me ANOTHER letter back! This time it was for the purpose of convincing me not to tell her fiance. I still cannot believe that my H fell for this woman.

At first, I did think she sounded sincere, but after receiving the second letter, and then finding out from my H that after she "dumped" him, she jumped into another affair the same day(actually 2 days before), I knew it was just a ploy. I am not quite sure what she hoped to acomplish...so, who knows why she would even send it.

I think your advice was right on. If the spouse wants to hear from the OP they will ask for it. I always wish that I WOULD have accepted her call to ask her WTF was she thinking????

True

my h's ow broke down one night to her stbxh and told him to tell me (we are good friends) how sorry she was she had hurt me and that I did not deserve the pain I have been through and that I was too nice of a person to be married to such a jerk as my h is with how often he has cheated on me, etc. I told her h to tell her gee thanks, but you sure didn't think about that when she was f***ing my h did she?

well, she was just soooo sorry and soooo repentent that 2 weeks later she was sleeping with my h again! After all the trash he talked about her (and still does) and all she said about him and how he had hurt her already by talking trash about her she is doing it again.

OP's apologies? they aren't worth ANYTHING in my opinion. Too little too late. ow in my case wasn't sorry at all. Go look into my children's eyes and see the pain they live with and tell THEM you are sorry. oh, don't get me started!

I got an "apology" letter from OW about 2 mail days after she received my H's No contact letter. I don't even know if she realizes it herself, (I think she does) but it was the biggest "non-apology" I've ever seen in my life. In it she did the same as Orchid said, threw various darts to see what would stick to de-stabilize my recovery with H. Fortunately for H and I, he had been honest, and nothing in the letter was a surprise to me. She didn't make up lies in the letter, but she was vague and mean. To inflict further pain on the BW by creating a false apology full of potentially hurtful disclosures is about the most conniving thing I can think of. She obviously felt that SHE had been taken advantage of and lied to (!!) and had been victimized as badly as I had been. She alluded to "all the other affairs before her" and "all the lies she watched him tell me" etc etc etc... STOW.

I wouldn't recommend an apology if you can't do it right. And really, who the he[l cares if she's sorry or not? The best apology an OP can give is to leave the FWS and BS alone.

I realize that many people are not involved in 12 Step programs, but I have found their approach to living to be helpful ...addict or not. I'm no 12 Step expert. What I share will be as accurate as I can recall.

In the 12 Steps, one takes an "inventory" of their life in terms of wrongdoings towards others (including themselves!)They are to share it with one other person and their Higher Power. These steps help them get out of denial, and teach them how to deal with their feelings of guilt in a constructive way. The next steps are about being willing to acknowledge your wrong-doings to the person and making amends, if possible. But there is a statement about forgiveness and making amends to the effect of "unless to do so would cause greater harm.". Seeking forgiveness and making amends is about the other person's highest good, not just about relieving yourself of guilt.

I think this would be a good guideline for those involved in affairs. What possible amends could be made to the BS of the OP?? In most cases, I think the contact would do more harm than good. If the WS has any doubts about it, run it by a more objective person. There is one situation where I think there could be some value. It is where an OC has been born and ongoing contact for visits will occur. Perhaps a genuine apology on behalf of the OP to the BS could be beneficial, but I wouldn't assume that.