Anne, I've been following your thread wit more than academic interest...

I'm no longer living at home because of contact that I handled poorly.

It was the first real contact in four years. She "ran into" me at the mall and invited me for coffee at Starbucks...and I said yes. Yes, I know how big a mistake that was. I own it.

The conversation lasted all of about 20 minutes. OW left after she realized that I wasn't interested having her back.

So, I was faced with telling W about this or keeping it a secret. After reading the posts here...and seeing your response...I was leaning towards not saying a word. But I didn't...I told her.

She asked me to leave. We have not spoken in five days...she asked me not to call her.

Yes, there are consequences...

Low

(((((Low Orbit)))))

Kudos on the honesty and "owning it!" I, after 3.5 years, have never had that yet from my wife. As one BS to you, the angry reaction from your wife nothwithstanding, ALL BS's appreciate the honesty rather than another "lie of omission."

Your wife's reaction and feelings....I know them too well.

She is "back" mentally at square one, but it will pass, especially since you do "own it" and she will get past the emotional rush and see the honesty even in the face of a "mistake." It IS that honesty that will heal things even through the "missteps" of the recovery process.

God bless.

I don't know what's happening. The last five days, I've been living in a blur. Looked at renting a trailer yesterday.

No one...no family or friends...have called me. I can only assume they are angry and disappointed with me. I can't blame them.

Money is gone from savings...probably lawyer's retainer.

Thinking of asking for work transfer...and start my life over somewhere else.

Low

Phew, not an expert here, but happened to read this thread and thought...Well, Anne, you need hugs and more!

I GET IT. You are not overreacting, period. IF your H had told you immediately about the call and you yelled and screamed, THEN you might be over-reacting, maybe. The whole SIX minutes thing bothers me, ALOT. I disagree with most here at MB about the pain and anger...I understand your primal screams. Borne of frustration and maybe some feelings of inadequacy (A related and the "not being understood" thing, you may feel as if you are somewhat at fault for not getting the point across). You are ok. He was WRONG. I know that is maybe what you want to hear...

BUT, yes there it is people. I do not really think that her H is still in the A. I think that he is an idiot, somewhat like my H and alot of men (sorry guys) and he just doesn't "Get IT". I think that he probably talked to OW for that long, because he was caught by surprise and didn't want to be "rude" to her. Insane? Yes. Having an A, probably not. My H uses the "fear of being in trouble" thing all the time. And the not wanting to be rude or hurt peoples feelings thing. What about your feelings?, he just doesn't get it. And yeah, sorry Anne, but he may never. On the other hand, he is TRYING at recovery. Setbacks are to be expected, so I hear.

This concerns me,

Quote:{{{{{Anne}}}}} I don't have any great advice for you. Your H is totally missing the point here. He didn't tell you because he says he knew you'd have "this" reaction. The reality is that you had that reaction because he kept the fact that the bi*** called him a secret. That is the issue.


That IS the issue. Are you two seeing an MC? Do you feel that your IC is pretty good? I have found that the counseling field is planted with a lot of [email]cr@ppy[/email] seeds. I have still decided to give it another go. There have got to be some good ones out there.

I don't know what else to say, Anne, just feel alot of empathy here. Maybe misplaced, maybe your H is nothing like mine...I dunno. I just heard your screams I guess. BeenThereDoneThat-WillProbablyDoItAgain!

jls

I think I missed a page before I posted. This jumps out at me also

Quote: Deep down he KNOWS contact is wrong and that it was stupid, but he is incapable (and I understand alot more of his family background etc to get this) of being the bad guy. If he did this, and it is bad, then he would be the bad guy--soooo the action must not be bad, because he is not bad. You see?

OMIGOD, that is my H too. Sometimes it gets eerie...

Your H NEEDS to understand this about hisself...Is he in IC?

I am with you, Anne, I don't necessarily think that your H is in an A. BUT, again, there it is..BUT, if your H doesn't work on his own probs, who is to say that another A will not happen.

I don't know it you want him to call SH or not. It really was a waste of money for my H to call...H said that if we were paying this guy that much, SH would just say what he thought we (I) wanted to hear. My H would NOT take ANY of SH's advice to heart. At this time, he is seeing an IC/MC, but admittedly not getting anything from it and refusing to change counselors. It's free thru work and it kept me happy for awhile, that he was seeing an IC (one of my terms for his moving back). No matter that he has told me that she is ineffective and he gets nothing from it...Sorry, this is about you and your H. Your H will probably not get anything out of counseling either, unless he wants to change.

Sorry Low, have followed your story some. She will probably come around, I hope so. I would, esp if you were upfront and honest about the contact.

jls

Ahuman, Thanks for the insight! I printed your post, It really hit the nail on the head!

That is one thing that I keep trying to express to my H, "If you really want to change, You will."

jls

LO

You seem to be having a tough time. Or are you?

Choosing to talk to OW, and choosing to do so in a very public place where you were likely to be seen, is....accidental?

You seem to have found a way to obtain the freedom to be 'you', as you've claimed to want for a long time.

You seem to have found a way to be free of the wife you've described as boring and inflexible for years.

Nothing between you and the scuba diving now.

You've won.

TA

Yes, FH I understand what you are saying. Uneven. I feel it sometimes but I don't want to be judgemental of him--I am striving, yes, striving for unconditional love. I want to be the good and faithful servant. When I married him we were both practicing Catholics, married in the church, his family is very religious and all siblings married raising kids Catholic the whole deal. I guess I did not dig deeply enough to understand the facade.

jseagull--no, my H is not currently in IC. He went for a while at my insistence. Said it helped him to talk with the counselor but I know he is not willing to face his own shadow side. Counselor as much as said so. He always says it is too expensive anyway. I also think he won't get much out of it with his current attitude.

Low--I am sorry that your wife reacted that way and I know it was wrong. But you sitting face to face with OW really, really sucks. AND you knew it was wrong the whole time and you did it anyway. The only thing you did right was to tell your W, but that doesn't take away what you did. You had a major, major slip up. Seeing what happened to you both and the OW with this chance and contact and your choices, I think I see why your wife is still insecure and trying to keep things her way. WHY should she change everything about herself and try the stuff you want her to that scares her for some reason just to have you talk to OW on your whim?

I am sorry that you are in this spot. Your W will need to search her own heart and see how much pain she is capable of handling and what she is willing to forgive.

I sometimes think in these situations the FWS is just absolutely incapable of empathy. That is how I see my H, just incapable of empathy. This is an essential human quality and I find it terribly sad for him and me and those around him that he can't experience it. I think it is a form of self protection. Fear does rule my H's life and this is one way to protect himself.

Low, you only control yourself. Dig deep within yourself and decide what you really want, who you really want to be. Then pursue it. Maybe now that your W isn't so easily accessible you will finally be able to see the reality of your OW and can finally commit to truly earning your way back into your M on your wife's terms--empathy for your W above all. All crisies can lead to growth if we choose that path.