I have posted on the recovery forum before, but I have realized I am not in recovery, even though my D-day was 15 months ago. I don't want a better and improved marriage, I want the marriage I had before the A and that it's forever gone. I want a marriage without the stain of an A, a marriage where trust is possible. I thought I had a good marriage before, but maybe I didn't since one of its components (my WH) was defective.

I have been saying that I can't forgive him, but the truth is that I don't want to forgive him, I don't want to work on the marriage. I want to leave. Two things keep me here: we love each other and I am afraid I will regret leaving. We had ten wonderful years together and it is so hard for me to walk away from all that. He is very sorry for the A, has taken responsibility and is doing everything he can to help me heal. All his efforts to undo the damage make it even harder for me to leave.

He'll come home tonight, and everything will be good in the surface, but my resentment will continue to boil under the surface. I won't tell him any of this because there is really no point. He is already afraid I will leave, and I don't want to hurt him. I never did or had the desire to. I know I should go, that it's not fair to waste anybody's time. Some days I just hate myself.

I come to this site and read other BS' stories and wonder: "what is wrong with this people? Why do they want to stay with their WS?" and then I look at myself and also wonder "what is wrong with me?"

Not wanting to forgive makes it really tough to move on.

I always wonder this. If a person leaves a marriage and meets a new person that they begin a relationship with, do they forgive that persons past that they meet? The reason I ask is because if a spouse chooses to stay after deciding to begin recovery then aren't they in effect saying I choose to forgive the past and move ahead.

I see your point. I would not be with somebody who has cheated in the past. I think that shows a weakness in their character, and since character traits don't change, they would be, in my eyes, more likely to do it again, more vulnerable to temptation.

When people go through rough times, some of them choose drugs, others alcohol, other to have an A, others to seek counseling, and so on. It's their personal coping style that is either functional or dysfunctional. Can people learn a different coping mechanism? Yes, but statistics show that it's very rare. Could my FWH be faithful for the rest of his life? Yes, it's even likely under the right circumstances, but what if the circumstances are not just perfect, then what?

i am sorry you are struggling so much. i fear at times my BH feels the same as you. We are just a few days away from 1yr since complete d-day.

of course since i was the one doing the betraying, i can easily sit here and say "FORGIVE THE GUY!!!" because that is what i want my BH to do. so maybe you really need other BS's to help you.

i don't have any answers but i am sorry you are struggling so much.

from the post you just added.... it sounds like you are more fearful than unforgiving. would you agree?

Yes, the fear of another A is a big part of the problem. The trust is gone. I know now what he is capable of. And I know there is nothing I can do about it. So, why should I take the risk of another heartbreak with somebody who has been proven to be untrustworthy?

I know how you feel. Sometimes I tell myself because my h had an SA with another woman, what I consider a very intimate thing, I do not know if I want to be with him anymore. Then I remind myself of the instance where I meet another person, and realizing that that person was with other poeple before me, and they could break my heart just as easily. Regardless of whether you make it to recovery or divorce its like you are starting a new life. Your husband and you probably learned alot about each other since the affair and now its time to start a new life together. Dr Harley says you shouldn't trust your spouse 100% when it comes to the possibly of an affair. You probably won't be able to forget, but you are going to have to forgive if you want to move on with your new life. Read the resentment section on this website,it might help.

lealas, what has he done to reestablish trust?

Lealas,
I don't have any good advice, but I thought I would take this opportunity to examine why I think I can forgive my WH (if he ever stops his A).

Before D-Day, for a week, he had let me know that something was amiss, he explained some weird quality of life issue. On D-Day (I found text messages) I was odd relieved, almost excited to know what the problem was and I know that M's can survive infidelity.

My WH are no where near any type of recovery, we are heading fast to D court as he intends to file so I will butt out of his life. But, if he came home any time soon, i would want to work it out at this point. There is almost a relief in knowing what I have learned about A's and about building an A proof marriage. We both would know that we can never take either of us for granted, we cannot put the M on auto pilot, we must tend to the marital garden.

I would love to have a M that was tended to and protected. Yes, A's are digusting, but I have been a WS and I am so close to certain that I could never be that person again. I am not 100% positive, just like I never thought I had an adulterous bone in my body before my A. But my A and the marital reconciliation taught me so much about myself and the kind of M I want. I was/am hopeful that WH's A might shed some light for him also.

I would love the chance to build a stronger M from all this muck. I firmly believe that I can do my part. I don't know if I will have that chance, but I am willing.

You say that your FWH is doing what it takes for recovery. I envy you that. But I know that I will work extra hard in any relationship to prevent being a WS or adding to an atmosphere that is conducive to an A.

I always hated when I heard people talk about how much stronger their M was after A recovery. It just seemed like warped justiication to me. But, I do understand how that is possible now. I hope I have that chance someday.

Good Luck to you.

I believe it is in your best interest to forgive your H whether or not you choose to stay married. God allows DV because of the hardness of our hearts, but God hates DV. If you left the marriage and haven't forgiven then you will continue to carry your resentment into any future relationship.

You see, I believe that resentment means to re-feel the pain over and over. You do this to yourself when you choose not to forgive. Who do you hurt when you continue to re-feel or re-live the pain that was inflicted? Yourself. Yes, you may think you are punishing your H for his betrayal...but the bulk of the pain remains within you. This unforgiveness can manifest itself in many ways both spiritually and physically. People can make themselves ill when they harbor unforgiveness.

Do a on forgiveness. Read Smedes, 'Forgive and Forget'. When Jesus was asked how many times we are to forgive what did he answer? Who are we to not forgive when we have been forgiven so much. Not one of us is perfect.

It is worth saving your marriage, especially if you have children. You can have a better marriage. Put aside you pride and pain through forgiveness. Feel the peace wash over you. Release yourself and your husband from remaining in the past. You've lived there for 15 months already, your H sounds repentant and remorseful. Again, who are you not to forgive? Are you better than God?

I am sorry that you are doing this to yourself.
You can choose to be happy. I don't think you want to become a bitter, old, lonely, woman.

You wanted to know what's wrong...

You are afraid to let go of your fairy tale ideals and let them mature into reality. YOU are afraid to grow up.

You judge your H as defective...are you any less defective? Are you so perfect? CHOOSING not to forgive would seem to indicate that that lack of mercy may be one of your fundamental defects.

Character traits don't change? How then is anyone supposed to grow up? You are certainly not the same person you were 30 seconds ago...none of us are. And that includes our character traits.

Your inability to forgive is a character trait... that you can change...if it's not...then you should leave. At least tell your H how you feel about him so he can make his own decisions. If I were your H, I would not want to be married to someone with such a character defect.

Sorry this sounds harsh. It just sounds like you're riding your high horse. Time to come down.

You have a chance to grow. It's YOUR choice.

He gave me access to his email, and phone records. He has assured me he will never again do anything like this. He has done everything I have asked for, but the fact that he is not lying and cheating right now, does not mean that he doesn't have it in him to do so again. He is capable of immense deceit, he is capable of cheating, he is capable of lying while looking me in my eye. And I deserve better.

He is then trying to compensate for what he is done. You have to forgive him or you may regret it later.

And unfortantely, there are so many more that are capable of doing the same thing. You may move out of your marriage just to find yourself in the same situation.

Fear is anxiety for that which may or may not happen. And that is what you are living with. Right now you are choosing to live with the fear that he may repeat his actions. If you leave him and remarry someone else, you may have that fear again wondering if the new person might do the same.

LowOrbit,

No need to apologize for being harsh. Nobody could be harder on me that myself. What you say is true and I know it. It is true that character traits change over time, but it takes a long time or a lot of work. They tend to be pretty resilient.

I don't think I am so perfect, in fact I think I am very flawed. It's the nature of certain defects that I am having a hard time with.

Maybe I don't want to grow up...maybe reality is not very beautiful.

lealas, did he show remorse for his affair? Why do you think he had an affair? Was it an aberration of character or was it an expression of his character?

Has the cause been explored and corrected?

I just don't think that your issue here is forgiveness, but rather TRUST. You are finding it impossible to TRUST him and I am wondering why.

Thank you Jean. Part of my problem is that I am in a rare situation. My marriage was very good before the A. In most cases, the marriage was not going too well when the A happen. That wasn't my case. I really don't see how the marriage could be better now than it was before.

I do believe that your attitude can be a self-fullfilling prophesy if you aren't careful. It is like you are expecting him to have another A. I know because I have been there and done that. Look deep within yourself. Were you ever able to examine your part in the state of your marriage before your H's A?

I believe that your H can sense you're not reconnecting with him . How about some honesty?

You know the husband you have...you get out there again, and you have no idea what you may get..whether the next guy will be honest with you about his past...better stay with the flaws you know than to pick up and have to deal with a whole other set of flaws. Especially if you go out into the dating world with unforgiveness in your heart. Haven't you ever heard of folks chosing to be with alcoholics or abusers over and over again...you wonder how they could do that. You just may choose another man capable of adultery. Afterall, you chose your H and he was capable. Not he is sure he won't do it again.

You guys can get proactive and study Boundaries in Marriage. Harley says that no one is immune from A's. He says we should never trust each other 100%. You will always need to work on your own personal growth as well as your marriage.

Thank you Trix,

I have never punished my H for his betrayal, ever.

I know that I am just hurting myself. It is not a matter of being better than...but a matter of where my boundaries are, what is acceptable and what is not. And cheating is not acceptable behavior.

I don't want to be bitter, but do my chances of healing improve if I stay or if I leave?

I think that in life we have our most opportunities for growth from the painful experiences that come our way. I think that there are many lessons that we have to learn when we commit to our marriages. Our struggles and painful experiences are all a part of our path in our gift of life. We can't expect a life without pain. We have to embrace the pain as opportunity for growth and learn how we can heal. I think we all have a lot to learn through the trials of our marriages. Some may go through a life of conflict avoidance thus avoiding some great opportunities for growth.