Thanks LA. Will keep your ideas in mind. I know I really am required to solve my AO problem.

HTW thanks for the words. I keep reading your thread, hoping your WW's heart will change and wishing you the very best.

weneedhelp...

Great update! I somehow felt that you would meet this challenge, and am glad things are beginning to be good for you. Your trials may just prove to be just the right inspiration for others who may read them; so good begets good. Thank you for taking the time to give us such an uplifting update.

Best wishes,
SD

Thank you more than ever SD. I attribute any success largely to you. I wish you well in your recovery and many blessings in your life.

Thank you.... but.... YOU are the one who deserves the credit for your progress. You did the work. I'm merely a spectator yelling encouragement from the stands...

I have the greatest respect for all BS's who apply Harley's principals to their respective lives. We all emerge as better people for having done so, whether our marriages survive, or not.

Keep up the good work, and may your dreams be realized!

Best wishes,
SD

I suppose I'll never know when or whether we've recovered. I hope to have another optimistic post down the road a bit, but am aware that things have been unpredictable and may well continue to be unpredictable.

Anyway I'm certainly working towards a worthwhile goal, as are we all here at MB.

Wow I can't believe it's almost 3 months since I had anything to say about my situation. Maybe I'll put some thoughts here just to journal. LMK if you have any thoughts on this, I would love to hear them. Caveat: we've had a few bad days recently, so this may be biased towards the negative.

I love her, and I think she loves me. Not the 'I get tingles from being with you' kind of love - our love is more of the type that we have decided to give our love to each other. I try hard to show my love, and make her feel loved. Sometimes I think she feels it; sometimes not. Sometimes I make mistakes and fail to be loving towards her. And vice versa.

We're recovering slowly from the A, I think. We don't talk about the A, and we won't talk about my own deplorable past behaviors either. An unspoken agreement that water under the bridge is past. I get some accidental signals that she doesn't think her A was that big a deal. I could disagree, but what's the point since she already knows very well that it was a huge deal for me. I still haven't gone a day without thinking about her A. Someday....

I think our relationship could continue for years and years like this. If I had to guess, I'd guess we will always stay married, and always chafe. And we probably won't feel that tingly kind of love too often. That's not ideal, but I can live with it, and I think she can too. I don't know if our incompatibilities and chafing will ever resolve to a warm and loving calmness. I hope I can continue to be committed and fairly honorable, and that my FWW can perceive that somewhat. But that's my danged pride talking again. Also I'd like her to respect me for how I carried myself, but again that's pride talking, and I know that pride is a real danger zone for me. Still struggling with it...


What else? More down to earth news:


First, I'm still searching for God's will. We've switched churches, and started going to a couples Sunday School class together. I hope it will help us to be better people. Last week the lesson was about honoring others, and helping them to perceive and realize their gifts. Good stuff.


Second, I've been unemployed quite awhile, and am finally(!) on the verge of starting a new job. It would entail a lot of travel - half of each week. It's unfortunate that I couldn't find anything suitable with less travel. But 6 months of job search is enough; I need to get back to work and I have no other reasonable alternatives with less travel.

I realize there are risks. We could drift apart, one of us could have an A, etc. I have sort of a fatalistic attitude about it. If that should happen, it would mean that we didn't love each other enough, and shouldn't be together anyway. If she loves me she will be faithful while I'm away, and if I love her I will be faithful while travelling. If not, our M will soon come to an end, as it should.

Also, I think the travel could be a blessing, in the sense that hopefully our constant chafing would get a relief for half of the week.


What else? A couple of notable things. I don't think they mean anything, I'm just logging them.


1st anniv of my FWW's A is in a couple of days. The A started at an annual convention, and it's that time of year again. FWW asked her manager to attend, but didn't discuss it with me. Doesn't make her a bad person, it's just the way she is built. OM will definitely be there, but no I don't think she wanted to start her A again. I just think she wanted to go to the convention. With another type of woman it would be remarkable that she would think about going. But - again - it's not that remarkable for my wife. Just the way she's built.


Also, she started her own job search, and heard of an opening at the firm where OM works. She applied, then when I gently objected she came to me in a loving a reassuring way, saying that she had no intention other than finding a job, and was sorry she had made me uncomfortable. Again, I don't think it meant anything, it's just the way she is built. As you can imagine, the way she is built differs from the way I am built, and thus the frequent chafing.


The chafing isn't about her A, or anything I'd done in the past. It's just about fundamental differences in the way we carry ourselves, philosophy, interpersonal communications, etc. It's always been there, and I don't think it's resolvable. For my part I've resolved to live with it and try to be the best person I can be while struggling with these challenges.


This entry hasn't been too positive. I should try to conclude on a more uplifting note. So here it is. For something like 5 months now, we've both acted in adult and rational ways, and by doing that we've kept D at arms length. The A has ended - I think - although my FWW's infatuation may still be there below the surface. The kids are still in a 2-parent home where the parents love each other (in the active sense) and have promised to protect them from divorce. So that's all pretty good stuff. OTOH, the chafing continues...

Time for another entry. Wow the post above was truly a pessimistic one...must have been a bad week that week!

Things are going well. We're still close and warm, and caring and concerned and loving. It's been a really nice few weeks.

Soon I'll start my travel associated with my new job. I don't have too many fears about her having another A while I travel. Still fatalistic about it, I guess. I don't think she will have another - but if she does then I doubt I'd be able to pony up again. It would likely be the end of the M. I think she understands that, and I don't think she will do it again.

Why not? Partly out of concern for my feelings, but I think the bigger reason is fear of hurting the kids via divorce.

I don't want it to read like we're at some sort of standoff over a demilitarized zone. That's not it at all. We are going forward in growing a hopefully better and deeper, more loving M.

Looking back on 2005, I think the hardest part for me was the loss of her heart. After her A started, she took her heart from me. The best word to describe it is devastating. Man that was a truly awful experience. We are both investing heavily, building each other's Love Bank, and working to avoid that kind of problem again.

I guess that's it for now. Best wishes to you all. And a word of encouragement: We're going to make it, and you can too. Be strong, be loving and giving; no matter how badly your wayward spouse treats you. Don't be afraid to expose the affair. Do whatever you need to to stop it. Then it's likely your spouse's heart will return to you. In order to make that more likely, you really must be warm and loving no matter how badly you are treated.

Good luck and God Bless your marriage.

It's always so wonderful when people check in with GOOD NEWS!!!!

your story helps people to continue when all seems lost- thanks

Thank you for the update, WNH...great to see you again.

LA

Thanks for the kind words. And, as ever, thank you all very very much for your unbelievably charitable and loving help. I don't think I could ever forget how perfect strangers came to my assistance in my darkest hour. (I'm tearing up a bit as I write that).

Ok I need to get a grip. Time for an update.

Things keep getting better. Warm and loving, all the way around. She acts as if she cares deeply about me. Would be nice if she were completely gaga over me, but I think it's more a commitment to my happiness and hers. I can live with that.

For my part, I care deeply about her. I want her to be so happy with me that she would never take her heart from me again. I don't think I can ever again be sure about that. Somebody PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong about that.

If I'm right, our relationship probaby won't be quite that way ever again. I may not ever quite have as much faith in her as I did before her A. Again, somebody PLEASE let me know if I'm wrong.

But apart from that factor, things are going well. Okay I'll go out on a limb and say better than ever. Apart from that non-trivial factor just above.

I want to report a couple of highs, and I hope some reader finds them encouraging.

Last weekend my FWW took me to see a Steve Dawson concert - one of her favorite singers recently. It was very important to her to get there in time. Why? Because she badly wanted me to hear his song "The One I Despise" from his 'Sweet is the Anchor' album. The lyrics go "...Oh My God I'm the one I despise..". She leaned over and gave me a hug and said something like 'you know that song describes how I feel about myself, I'm sorry I did that to you'..and 'Thank you for not leaving me'. Of course I cried. I'm a big sap.

She seldom talks about her A, but when she does it's from the heart. And it's worth a lot to me to hear her say things like that.

I continue to do everything I can to love and support her. Honestly, I have some fears that I could unintentionally hurt her, undervalue her, control her...whatever.. and risk our new close relationship. I am doing my very best to be a good husband to her, and I think she is doing her very best to be a good wife for me.

Bad news: she lost her job this week. Bad relationship with her boss finally came to head and he let her go. I was of course loving and supportive, and she thanked me for supporting her. I feel for her pain of course - it's hard to be terminated - but I get a thrill over the chance to be a support for her.

I guess that's about it. Once again I want to end with a word of encouragement. I don't know where this is ultimately going, but it is definitely heading in the right direction. I wish for you all this kind of recovery. Or maybe even better? (How long until I get over the remaining trust issues! How long until I have a day when I don't think about her A?)

You can win your marriage back. Be kind, loving, considerate . Treat her with the care God intended. Overlook her flaws, even if they are enormous. Concentrate on your own flaws, be the best husband you can be. If you can do that, you have - in my humble opinion - the best possible chance to succeed and share a beautiful, warm, loving marriage.

I wish I could write that without some doubts. Frankly I still have a few about our M. But I guess there's little in life that is 100% completely guaranteed.

God bless you and your marriages.

wnh...great update. You post with exactly the same "tone" in your words that most BS feel. Yes, you "survived". Yes you love your FWW. Yes, things are going well. Yes, there are "snapshots" of the remorse a FW feels...but they come out of no where, and are short and to the point. A BS could miss some of them if they weren't paying attention... LOL.

And, yes, there is always that "something" that a BS feels that may be lost forever in a marriage on the mend from something as horrible as infidelity. Many in recovery have written the same thing. A sort of lost innocence, which lingers for a long, long time, if not forever.

Not to be an alarmist, but in this aftermath of your W losing her job, this could be a critical time for her. A time where she may share her troubles with another and receive a willing ear, and sympathic support. We know where that can lead, not that it would...but support her ernestly and lend her your ear as much as you can.

It's really throughtful of you to return to the forums and share your success story. It's uplifting to know that, once again, the MB principals work, and this helps newbies stay on task after they arrive and start to work through their own situations.

wnh... those doubts will continue to lessen over time. Replace those thoughts with new memories, and your new committment to putting in the proper amount of work on your marriage. Refer to His Needs/Her Needs and keep the principals alive in your day to day living. These principals will lessen the chances that your marriage will become vulnerable as it did before.

God loves ya, man! Keep up the good work!
Best wishes,
SD

Thank you Shattered. I promise to take your words to heart always.