Kim, I understand and agree 100%! He can't expect you to drop everything to accommodate his lack of planning.

Kim, I keep wondering how you are doing. Keep it up. I tried plan b, but it just did not work for me. Maybe when im ready, I just dont think im ready just yet. Or im just stupid <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Keeping you in my thoughts.

Hi Falcon - Plan B was the only thing left for me. I couldn't continue the way things were. He wasn't going to change ----- and I was wasting away. Please don't let the WS take away your self-dignity. Mine pratically did.

Here are my thoughts right now - I saw a childhood friend of mine this holiday. I feel awful for not keeping more in touch with her & I knew she had gone through a terrible time with her H. Her H was physically abusive. They had a son together who saw more than he should have. I wish I would have been there for her more.....but we had lost contact with each other. It took her some time to decide that her H was not going to change. She divorced him about 3 years ago and is finally at peace with herself. She communicated to me how much more at peace she is now & how fulfilled her life is. She said that she is so strong and so grounded now. Although her sitch & my sitch are different, it made me feel good to know that things do get better. She had spent about the same amount of time married to her WH that I have. And their son was 6 also when they split up. Her H has not seen their son in over 6 months, but her H does not have visitation rights. The only way her H is allowed to see her son is if the In-lawss are involved and there. Her H also does not give her any $$ either. He can't hold a job.

She brought up an interesting point to me - She said she is not pushing the child support b/c if it ever came to a point where she met someone and fell in love & married that her new H might one day want to adopt her son. She does not want her H to have a leg to stand on in court if that ever happened. She also said that she doesn't want to come to depend on $$ from her H and that it just wouldn't be worth the stress and hassle to her to get the $$ out of him.

I didn't tell her about WH's A, but did talk to her about me having WH move out, etc.

She also told me about a new guy she had met. Although she has built a huge wall around herself, she said it is really nice to be getting attention from the opposite sex! They have a lot of the same background,etc. It made me think about how much I missed being close to someone.....

Oh, well - I've got DS for now & that's all that matters.

I am feeling like I won't be sitting still her for very long. Is that bad? Does it mean I don't love my H as much as I thought???? For me, moving forward with my life means moving away from here. I have a plan for my future and DS's.

Kim

Yet another note from WH. This time brought in on the pizza box that DS & He picked up for dinner. It was written right on top of the box itself. I shouldn't have read it, but it was right there & I had to get pizza out of the box for DS:

Kimberly -

I need to talk to you about the refinancing on the house - and some other stuff. Call me on my work phone. ###-###-####.
Love, WH

So, I at least got a "love" in there. I should not be hopeful with that, but you know what. It made my heart happy to see that. Which means that I do still love him!!!!!!!!!!! I was getting worried that I didn't still love him.

I know I won't call him. Should I tell Sara that he needs to correspond through them. He only needs reread his Plan B letter to remember how to correspond.

This is probably not news I want to hear though. I wonder what the other stuff is.

I have been riddled with guilt today about keeping WH out of the house. This means that I am also keeping DS out of the house. He couldn't get in to get a game of his to show his daddy.

Sara called me this afternoon & left a message. Said that WH wanted to know if the alarms were set - DS wanted to get in the house for his game.

WH need only check the garage alarm to see if the alarms set.

WH is persistent with his refinance thing.

Kim

Hi Kim,

He only needs reread his Plan B letter to remember how to correspond.
Okay you have to be very careful of what his intentions are right now.
And yes I would think he needs a "reminder."

You can really see he's trying to break through Charlie and Sara.

And you can really see he's trying to get his foot back in the door.

I think this is a crucial decision you have to make here Kim. Is it an answer to prayer and his coming home (I hope), or is it a set up to try to get refinancing established only?

Lady

P.S. Did you write a letter to Charlie last night explaining anything of your prior discussion with him?
Such as to why you will not except dating your H unless
NC is made with OW first?

Kim - I think he only wants money out of refinancing the house. Stay dark. I kept breaking Plan B, thinking that if I explained it one more time to WH, that he would "get it". The problem was, he knew very well what he needed to do, but wanted to continue his affair.

Kim, you are doing the right thing in keeping your H out of the house. You are giving him a cold splash of reality by showing him what it will be like as a single person. That is in your son's best interest for his dad to see this! Your H has chosen to live apart from you, now let him see the conquences. By allowing him in, you are protecting him from the consequences. Your son is not kept out because of YOU, but because of his father's bad choices.

The more consequences he is exposed to, the faster this affair will end.

And do not even acknowledge his note. Throw it away because you did not see it!

I didn't send a letter to Charlie yet. I am still thinking it over. The more I think about our conversation, the more irritated I get with him. He is completely missing this. His one comment "If this Marriage is going to be salavageable, your are going to have to date....or talk to him....or not lock him out" NO. If this M is going to be salvageable, WH is going to have to NC with OW!!!!!

I think a good start with Charlie would be a copy of the Plan B letter. He has never seen it.



Lady & Believer - Although the "love" part gave me hope, the more I think about it the more I believe that it is all meant to be for his benefit. Whatever he wants to talk about right now. OR he wants to tell me how badly of a job I am doing at reconciling our M by "cutting" him off.


MelodyLane - That is surely what I am hoping. Tonight at dinner DS asked me if I set the alarm to the house. I told him yes. He said why don't you want Daddy coming inside. I told him that for now Daddy had made some bad choices & it was best for him not to come inside the house. He als said he asked his Daddy when he was coming home. DS said daddy's reply was "I don't know." I told DS that I loved his Daddy & I wanted him home, but while we were working things out that it was best for him not to be here.

I still feel badly for DS not getting to come inside ----I know, it's WH's fault not mine. I have to keep remembering that.



It was hard to miss....It was scribbled right on top of the pizza box. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Kim

If and when you respond to Charlie, please ensure that he fully understands that you want WH back but only if he dumps his GF. The ball is completely in WH's court and he knows exactly what to do. "Talk" did not work in the past and it won't work in the future. The time for "talk " has passed, tell Charlie is now time for action. And until your WH takes action, talk is fruitless.

Don't talk the talk, unless you can walk the walk! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Amen sister! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

as we say in Texas: "talk is cheap....." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

(written on the other side of the pizza box).

Dear WH,

I called the # on the box. They said no more pizza discounts for you. Put the empty box where it belonged - in the garbage.

Love,
BS

Just checking on you Kim, hope no news means all is peaceful with you and DS.

Hi Jean! Pretty quiet here - WH had DS today after school, etc. Was to have him home between 6:30 & 7 PM. It is nice to be able to scoot out sometimes without DS to get errands done on my home from work. Well, when I was close to the subdivision my phone rings - it's WH. I don't answer it......30 seconds after I pull in(which by the way was 6 PM) WH pulls in with DS. Luckily I was already into the garage to turn off the alarm so WH didn't see me.

Perhaps WH was going to have DS talk to me on his cell & find out where I was. I don't know how well Sara communicated do WH the drop time was between 6:30 and 7 PM. But really, he's been bringing him home early every visit. I do have a life too, ya know!

I've been cleaning the house tonight & painting a bit more of the room. I'm a slow painter!! Not too tidy either - have gotten a bit of paint on the ceiling, on the carpet & on the trim.....I'm gonna have a lot of touching up to do!!

Thanks for checking in!!

Kim

Hi to all - Just checking in here - Things have been quiet, which is good. I have been feeling just fine and I plan on getting through the holidays with a positive spirit.

I am going to do this for me and for DS. DS deserves the best Christmas ever. His daddy has screwed up royally and I am not going to let that put a damper on things!!! I have always loved Christmas & I am going to keep it that way. DS & I were talking about Christmas & the true meaning of it. I always make sure we talk about that -

I didn't e-mail Sara with a suggested weekly schedule for WH to see DS. I know it would make it easier on her, but I am also having a hard time "doing" something for WH. It would make it easier on him too. So, no arrangements made as of this morning for DS and WH to see each other.

It really is hard on DS when WH calls the same day to see him. DS & I will be talking about our plans for the day in a little bit and right now they won't be including a visit with Daddy. I think that is inconsiderate of WH b/c DS has no idea when he will see his Daddy again.

Had another dream about WH & OW. This time WH (who plays guitar/sings) was getting ready to play on stage somewhere. I was sitting way down in the front, was dressed in sweat pants & a t-shirt.....WH kept looking up in the audience, not looking at me. There were very few people there so I turned around to see who he kept looking at. There were a group of people sitting up high so I got up to go see - I figured on of them had to be OW. I approached the group of people and said OW's first name. No one looked at me. Then I said both her first and last name. One of the girls looked at me. I said "I want to ask you to stop it with my H. He has a son who needs him home. I love him, Stop seeing him."

Then I walked back down to my seat. WH saw that I got up and couldn't even play. He left the stage. So, I got up to leave. On my way out I saw WH talking to OW. I walked by them and pushed WH and kept walking. WH followed me. On my way to my car I told WH that DS was crying for him. That DS was really hurting over him being gone. I said "WH, DS wants you home. When are you coming home?"

WH:"I am never coming home."

With that the dream was over.....

Not a wonderful dream.....But I am not going to let it ruin my day!! We have been doing good & although I do want WH home(especially for Christmas) I am not expecting him home.

Blessings to everyone!

Kim

(((Kim)))

I think I am lucky to not remember my dreams, your dream sounds like a real crappy way to start your day. But that was your subconscience talking and now your conscience is awake and ready to start a new day.

My WH is doing the same thing "this is my home, I am never coming home again" and I can just see my 8yo looking around that motel room and saying in her best Dr. Phil voice "and how's that working for ya"

It is sad when the kids seem smarter than the parents.

Hugs to you and DS.

Kim, I am so glad you posted! I was about ready to send out an APB on you.

I think that Christmas will be a huge pressure on your WH. This will allow him to see all of the practical problems in his affair and will cause him great disappointment when he realizes that what he has sacrificed for......nothing. She will be with her family on Christmas, he will be alone. The strangeness of not being home for Christmas will be a big wake up call.

You are handling this wonderfully well for your son. Do you have plans to go to your parents on Christmas? What will WS be doing?

Jean & MelodyLane -

Thanks for the posts! I have a new motivation right now & that is being strong for DS --- doing all that I can so I am not pulling him down. Him breaking down and crying, asking for his Daddy to come home really got to me last week.

Today DS said that he wished Daddy would be home for Christmas. I told him that I did too and gave him a huge hug. No crying from either of us. I told him he could tell his Daddy that when he saw him next.

I think WS will be in a hotel room for Christmas. Sara has company coming & will need the room that WH has been staying in -- Being in a hotel room will be even worse for WH. I hope it really does wake him up.

DS & I went to do some errands this afternoon. When I returned there was a message from Charlie - WH had wondered if he was supposed to be getting DS today.

I called back & spoke w/Sara. Sara told me that she had questioned WH & told him that he hadn't asked her to make arrangements for him to get DS. WH said he just thought that was his regular gig. I told Sara that would be fine, but he never communicated that & that it would be better for DS if there was a regular schedule. So we arranged a Sunday, Monday, Thursday schedule for WH & DS.

I'll be going down to my parent's sometime during Christmas & my Mom will be coming here to help keep DS some since school will be out.

By the way Mimi if you read any of these - Please note that I am truly dark now. WH is not allowed in the house anymore since I reset the alarm codes!

Kim

Kim,

It is becoming obvious that the WS can't remember his appointments, commitments or schedule. What else is he going to lose? Well....his temp living arrangements for company.

Do you see that the WS really isn't #1 to anyone else anymore? He really shouldn't be. Your H w/b #1 to his fmaily but the WS is the one keeping him away from his family.

U and your son really have a right t/b mad at the WS for kidnapping your H. Sara and Charlie s/b mad at the WS for being sooo negligent and forgetful. The WS just makes more work for everyone. See he isn't just picking on you.

U r doing fine. You m/b dark to the Ws but u r a shining light to the rest of humanity (especially to your family and friends). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.