Mission successful, my friend bob! Thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I feel betrayed by someone I thought I could trust (MIL) I feel traded in for a new model and hurt that my MIL could value a new, unknown child over her existing, wonderful and woefully neglected by her granchildren. I feel judged.

Now granted some of this is speculation on my part which really can get me into trouble, KWIM? OW (who is oh so trustworthy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)told me she sent MIL pics of OC and said MIL told her OC looks like my H did when he was a baby. MIL does not call me anymore. MIL sent WH bday gifts that were EXACTLY what he needed and the only way she would know this is if OW told her what he needed because he never does. He hates gifts. So that gift left me so angry.

At least MIL stopped being a b8tch to my DD and now calls her on a regular basis. Imagine ignoring your beautiful granddaughter because of some imagined slight and ignoring your grandson because he has been replaced by a healthy model. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Can you tell I am breathing fire???

FF I've seen it happen time and time again. We have a picture of grandparents being loving etc, when many just want trophy grandkids to decorate garden parties with.

Not ones touched by infidelity, or worse, a different working brain.

How bizarre that your MIL overlooks little W when his dear soul is unstained by value judgments such as she is making. MIL would NEVER be loved by another child as she would be by W if only she would invest the effort. Her loss.

BTW I am a man so can say that until they hit six months old all babies look like Winston Churchill, not parents!


{{{{ff}}}}

LMAO, bob! Sigh..thanks. My kids hold the utmost value to me. I just have to remember what cloth WH is cut from. My church family adores my kids and W has a "grandma" there that loves him and thinks the world of him. I just need to be thankful for my godly family not the bio family.

Thanks for grounding me.

all this talk about grandmothers makes me think of my own - on my Moms side. She was a cold, bitter old woman!! when I was growing up, she clearly favored my cousins (mom had one sibling - a sister - and she had 2 daughters)
My cousins were constantly asking my gramma for stuff. money, clothes, you name it. She always gave them what they asked for. my siblings and I did not ask her for anything - partly becuase we lived 3 hours away from her, so we couldn't just call her up and ask for stuff. Also, we were taught to earn our own way, and not beg for stuff.

Anyway, you would think that she would occasionally send a little somethign our way, since we didn't ask. But she never did. It made my mom very angry over the years. But I have always been glad that I was not needy, and greedy, like my cousins always were. needless to say, now that we are all grown up, my cousins ae still needy and greedy. Gramma has passed, and now they have no one to fall back on. they have very little to show for their efforts. I have a lovely house, a brand new car, a great H, kids who are doing well in school, I could go on. I can finally refer to my Grandma as exactly what/who she was. A cold, bitter, old woman! Hugging her was like hugging a frozen metal pole! I remember when she would come to visit, at the end of her visit I would start to get nervous, knowing that I was going to have to "suck it up" and hug her!!

I am not sure what my point is with all this!

Ramble away, it is my thread! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

FF,

Your feelings are valid and understandable.

You can't change your MIL's behavior. I believe I will quote our dear BrambleRose, who has been so kind to give much of her time and patience to help me grow a little bit (just a little bit - not a bunch)...

The three C's:

You didn't CAUSE her behavior.
Likely it doesn't really have anything to do with anything you did or didn't do and IS NOT your failing. It is hers. It probably has nothing to do with your children. Again, you didn't cause this - it is your MIL's issue.

You can't CONTROL her behavior.
There is nothing you can do about it. No amount of effort on your part is going to suddenly make your MIL or your WH realize the error of their ways.

You can't CURE her behavior.
It is her defect. You can't fix it for her.

I know it isn't fair. I know these behaviors are hurting you and your children. But, those are the circumstances you are presented with. Given that you can't do anything to change it and that the situation exists - what CAN you do?

You can accept that this is the situation you have been presented with and focus on those things that you do have control over. Those are the things that will not be wasted efforts. Are there any boundaries that you can put in place to protect yourself and your children? Can you focus your efforts on helping your children accept the situation and help them to understand that it isn't their failing or their fault?

So was mine, only the one on my Dad's side. I swear she hated me.

Of course my mom who saw everything, more than made up for it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Her's was one funeral I didn't cry at. She also hated my little sister and brother and a boy cousin. She was one mean hombra to us.

She gave all the other girls the most beautiful china when they graduated from HS, and me she gave me a partial set of old brown chipped dishes, the ugliest you ever saw.

My mom of course took the partial, ugly and used set directly to the dumpster, and said a little prayer for her along the way.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Weaver, I think we are sisters seperated at birth!!!

Thank goodness we can laugh at this stuff now.
It sounds like your Mom handeled the situation very well. God love her for it!

Ok, thread jack over <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Whoa, don't even ask about my grandmother on my dad's side. She absolutely hated my mother. And she made no bones about it at all. She was very in-your-face Irish redhead.

I think her terrible treatment of my mom contributed towards my mom's alcoholism. Like is said around here, part of the atmosphere of the M and context for mom's choices.

Grandma died completely alone in a cheap nursing home somewhere around 100 years old. It's almost as if the next world didn't want her either.

And you know what? Only my mom noticed that she had died. She paid to have her ashes re-buried with my dad and had a funeral Mass said for her.

I don’t know if that constitutes forgiveness or what. But at least mom is not too bitter.

With prayers,

PS: Hello again, Weaver....

Yes, but I'm wondering what you are going to do. (As Pep asked "what is your plan"?)

Because this is really not about your MIL. That is misplaced blame and responsibility. It is about your husband and his actions.

Susan

Susan, I know you are right about the misplace blame and anger. I mean, my anger toward MIL's behavior is IMHO justified but really who AM I angry with? My WH and his choices. My plan right now is to continue working on myself and protecting my kids from further damage. I can tell when I backslide is when my time and energy has to be spent elsewhere and I get overwhelmed. I then get angry that everything falls on ME. Why does he seem to get off scott free? Ok, I have a migraine and need sleep. I will get back to you tomorrow.

PS Susan how is the unpacking going? Was this a good move for you?

Hi Faithful !!

You are too wonderful to let some of these things get to you. Peace comes from inside, not outside.

I am cheering for you to finish turning into a butterfly, and make your flight to freedom. It's a struggle for sure, but so liberating.

Tell me again about your dreams. The future you wish for........ tell me about that.

SS

I'll second this!

You cannot begin to manifest good things (peace) in your life until you can distance yourself from the drama (detachment).

It takes both practical plans (such as what pep, susan et el) and the abstract in thought processes such as what SS is talking about.

And you are getting both on this thread. It's up to you to turn it into a way to make it work for you.

So practical plan, and positive thought processes.

Okay?

Dear dear FF

I wish I could ease your pain, somehow some way.

I read this when it seems to hard to bear the unbearable when my soul aches for my little boy.

I find some peace.

One grief on me is laid
Each day of every year,
Wherein no soul can aid,
Whereof no soul can hear:
Whereto no end is seen
Except to grieve again--
Ah, Mary Magdalene,
Where is there greater pain?

To dream on dear disgrace
Each hour of every day--
To bring no honest face
To aught I do or say:
To lie from morn till e'en--
To know my lies are vain--
Ah, Mary Magdalene,
Where can be greater pain?

To watch my steadfast fear
Attend mine every way
Each day of every year--
Each hour of every day:
To burn, and chill between--
To quake and rage again--
Ah, Mary Magdalene,
Where shall be greater pain:

One grave to me was given --
To guard till Judgment Day
Within this grave pain is driven
A stone is rolled to guard the way
One day of all my years--
One hour of that one day--
His Angel saw my tears
And rolled the Stone away

threadjack: I'm finished unpacking, but my internet is not connected yet and I'm using dialup, so I'm not around much.

It was a great move! We love it!

What can you do to stop blaming yourself and getting angry?

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

FF,

Just thinking about you and hoping you feel better today.

Froz, thanks for checking on me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I had a lot going on at work today and keeping up with DS. However, I am working on the wonderful suggestions I got here. I am working on a plan, working on a question BR asked me about what made me fall back in love with my H and working on what my dreams and goals are. I realized I do not have any of the above, that I am just existing. You all gave me something to really focus on. Thanks.

FF, that was some puzzle you assembled up there. The only way so-and-so could know such-and-such is if...

Making and solving those puzzles is a horror show. I hated that part. It's interesting to think of what motivates you at those times, trying to measure someone's offense against you.

It's not worth the energy, is what I think. Your attention is on what other people are doing. Will he hurt me? Ow! Yep, he will. Will she hurt me? Ow! Yep, she will. Thank you sir may I have another.

Okay, I have to go to sleep. {{FF}}

GC