Tonight I asked Caavin if he is still sad as when he filed he said no. Then I asked him 1-10 how much happier are you he said a 1. He also said if I can get over you having affair everything will be ok. So I'm asking myself how can I help him? I don't know. Is there anyone out there know how I can help him. Or someone that is in the spot he is in? If so how did you get over the affair? Plz someone let me know how can I help him besides give him time.

I'm happy that he was able to tell me what he could. Just wish I could help him. I wish I was the one hurting not him. Its not fair that he is hurting it should be me. I know now before I do something to stop and think who is it going to hurt. Now I just need to pray for god to guide Caavin though his pain. I do know that a divorce isn't going to help him get though it. That is what I think anyways.

All I want for Christmas is one happy family no more pain.

It sounds like your husband is extremely hurt. I don't think you realize how hurt.

Have you figured out what caused you to have an affair twice with the same man? Have you figured out how you can prevent this in the future?

I see you ended the affair because your husband caught you. Have you spoken to him about how sorry you are?

I had affair only once and I stopped it on my own before he caught me. We stayed friends but that was it and when he moved out of here I just never talked to him again by my choice. And what caused me to have affair was that Caavin wasn't showing me love. Something I needed and no matter how much I told him that he didn't listen to me. I just wanted to feel loved then someone was showing me the love that I wanted from Caavin and before I knew what the heck I was doing wrong it was to late. And no its not going to happen again cuz he now knows what I need and shows me. He realized it when he found out I was turning to the OG. I just wish he knew before hand cuz then I wouldn't have went to know one else to feel I was loved. But that doesn't excuise what I did nothing can. I take full blame for it. *tears* I just want what we had when he was showing me love. I want to see the look in his face when he is happy and looking at me. *tears* I want to feel him holding me and telling me its ok.

Why did I have to be so selffish? Why did I have to feel loved? Why couldn't him just be married to me and being my husband and best friend be good enough. Why did I need more. With that I lost what means everything to me. He is my life my soul my love my breath my heart that beats. Without him what am I?



*tears and a vary wet face*

"And what caused me to have affair was that Caavin wasn't showing me love"

This didn't cause the affair. I think you need to do some more reading here.

he wasn't showing me affection that I need. I'm sorry but there is no other reason. When you feel that your husband can't give it to you it makes you feel trable inside. Makes you feel ugly like there is something wrong with you that he can't show you the affection that you need. When you want sex and you get turned down time after time it hurts. that isn't something easy to live with.

Probably not this Christmas.

Have you ever grieved a death of someone very VERY close to you?

If you have, you will understand that the pain is always there ... but will not always be on the surface.

This is how it is for the betrayed spouse. The pain is never completely gone, but his higher level of functioning through the pain will return ... in time ... in HIS time, not your time.

So, in the meanwhile, do the best you can and YOU need to understand that this pain is real, it is never going completely away, but it will lessen and be pushed aside ... replaced by happier memories.

Imagine you suffered the terrible death of a child ... you know that the pain will eventually lessen, but the loss is permanent. This is like that, for your husband.

I'm sad none of my needs is getting met no more.

You can get many of your needs met through your children, your friends, and activities. I think you probably need to accept that your husband will not meet your needs right now. But that doesn't mean that it will never happen.

In the meantime, take care of yourself, and do things with your children and friends.

I meant as well scents he is going to the bar with his aunt again this Saturday. I just wish he wouldn't

Yup I think I give up!!!

Tonight Caavin is going to the bar again with his Aunt the kids don't want him too neither do I but that doesn't matter no more, they want to spend time with him and play. They are tired of there dad not spending time with them. What can I do? If I tell him I'm going somewheres he has to watch the kids, he will just have his mom watch the kids. Tonight he was up at the gas station all night and my daughter was upset cuz he didn't come home.

Please someone help me, help my kids!

I want to give up on my marriage cuz I'm tired of being hurt and I know it is just going to hurt more when I do move out and the divorce is final. So to make it easier I just want to shut down my feeling. Does this make scents? Don't get me wrong I still love him what what good is that if he don't love me no more?

Ok I can't give up its not working I love him to much. How can I get him to fall back in love with me?

spitfire

I have been where you are.

first there is NOTHING you can do to 'make' him love you. What can you do to make him 'see' that you have remorse and want to take back the pain you caused?
Right now you NEED, I said NEED, to stablise yourself and start fighitng for your M in the long term.
I suggest you go to counselling by yourself asap. You do need to work out why you gave your love and self to another and thus learn how to ensure it will NEVER EVER happen again. I doubt it is as simple as you think .. it usually surprises every WW the things that really bothered them.

You see, running around crying you are sorry and feel terrible etc etc while true, doesn't count for squat with a man who has been betrayed. He wants that of course, but he also wants to see what you are doing about it in the real world. Right now he feels he owes you nothing, the M is over blah blah blah. However he would be out of there if a part of him did not want to get back the M he thought he had.

Now that wont be possible. That M is dead. But a new M can be created out of this mess but its going to take time, hard work, frustration, pain & a willingness to learn new methods of living together.

YOU will have to start this. My H was very much a you stuffed it up you fix it person back then. Fair enough too, BUT reality did finally get through to him that he would have to give a bit as well. I think your H may get there as well.

There is no getting around this SPITFIRE, YOU are going to have to do the work for a long while before he takes some interest if he does, becasue there are no guarantees here.

BUT you can do it if you are willing to listen to a lot of good advice, get the counselling yourself first, put up with his rejection for now.

On a separate issue, his behaviour with the kids needs to be addressed. Don't know & you dont say if this was the same before he found out about the A or not. If before I suggest you have some deep problems in the M in addition to the Affair which is not that unusal. If it started after the affair was known then it may be some sort of depression perhaps. At the least you should be able to say to your H "Can we talk about the kids - not us for now - but the kids". Ask him why he is rejecting them, why he is not spending time etc... if you need to be blunt do so, if it works better being more subtle do so..what ever works.
Dont accuse, ask calmly. He may be rude but plug away keep your cool.
If he wants to go out to the bar on a friday see if he can spend more of his Sat or week day with the kids to make up.
One big word of warning ...do no get the kids involved in trying to get him to go or stay to the bar ..this will be thought of by him as emotional blackmail - & is - and will turn him against the M once & for all.

Now knuckle down young lady and fight smart or you WILL lose him. read this web site on Plan A and start it. Read the books you've been recommended ..start acting positive!! even if you feel like death warmed up.


All the best

AW

What to do about this h is getting some of his needs meet my other women. On his way home he stops at the store and talks to the girls there for hours. That is something I have been waiting from him but can't cuz it is a one way convo. Friday night he went up there about 6 or 7pm and didn't come home till like 4am. And then had one of the girls call him the next morning (couple hours later) to wake him up. I was the one to answer the phone. I was mad hurt and heart broken. He also now has one of the girls phone (home and cell#) in his cell phone. He always stops there before coming home.

My son was talking to me and said he can't wait tell he is 12 years old which is in Feb there he can stay home alone and watch his sister when I'm gone to work there they don't have to go over there dads. I know I have time to deal with this but what should I do if they don't want to go over there dads. I don't want to make them do something they don't want to do. But on the other hand I do cuz it is there dad and I want them to be with there dad. I don't think I'm going to have much trouble with sis cuz she wants her dad and when he isn't here she is upset about it and then worries that she isn't going to see her dad again. I tell her diff but she is so sad when she don't have her dad.

Another thing she is worried about is that she thinks that after the divorce she thinks that his parents won't like her no more. I told her diff but she don't belive me.

please advise on this! I'm worried about my kids!

Something I don't understand H said he is still living here cuz he is tring and he is in our bed cuz he is tring. We all have to move out of here and I asked him to move in with me and the kids till the divorce is final, he said no he can't. What does this mean? Does anyone know me tell me?

Friday we went Christmas shopping and had a good time he put his hand on my leg and let me hold his hand when we was driving down the road. It made me happy! Than on the way home he told me to call to see what is playing at the movies. I was like HUH?!?! So I did. We went to Wal-marts just to past time then He took me out to eat then we was going to go to the bar but I didn't have my drivers lis. It was just something to do while we waited for the movie. So we went to the movies and just sat in the truck talking. During the movie I got to hold his hand again. After the movies we went home went to our bedroom and watched a movie, and had sex. It made us happy. Then Saturday night we had a fight after I got off work. He went to the bar it was ok with me the kids was over his parents house and I was gone to work and he said he would try to be home when I got home. But he didn't make it his Aunt and Uncle had a fight and he ended up staying there to help them out. I called him but he wouldn't answer the phone. The truck stalled on me and didn't want to start. I lefted a message for hime to call me. I got the truck to start and when he did call me it was I got something to deal with and I will be home. Just before that his Ancle told me that Johnnie isn't with them and that he lefted them long time ago. So now I'm worried big time. He wouldn't tell me what was going on or where he was nothing then he hung up on me. I called back and his Aunt took the phone and told me that johnnie is with her and that her and her husband is fighting and that Johnnie will be home soon. I was like I want my husband home we got our own problems. She tells me to give it up that it will never work out. KNIFE IN THE HEART!!! I was drving tears running down my face and can't see where the heck I'm going. I hung up on her. Then later Johnnie called and told me he was on his way home that he just passed Merrill rd. then he pulled into Bp's gas station just 2 miles from our house and merrill rd is like 10 mins. away. I went out and said this isn't merrill rd. and he said that he said it cuz he was stopping into bp's and didn't want me to have a fit. I said I wouldn't I just don't like it when you stay hours on hours up here. I let it go about him lying but we got into a fight about it. So how its my fault that he had to lye about it. The next morning we woke up had sex again and I went to work and come home and he is gone. I lefted me a message saying I'm not going to be home tonight I got some thinking to do. He didn't tell me where he was staying or nothing. And wouldn't answer the phone. This morning I talked to him and he didn't want to talk. Then I talked to his mom later asking her to bring the kids stuff back home cuz they have stayed there for the last few days. She said well I don't know I got to talk to Caavin about it. Then tells me that the only reason he has been staying with me this long is cuz of the kids. And that he is going though the divorce. I'm so confosed please someone say something anything please. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him or my kids. *tears*

Hi Spitfire, I will take a look at your sitch and get back to you soon.

Anyone else wants to chime in?

I want my husband to come home tonight, but what I want doesn't matter no more. No matter what I say or do I don't think it helps. I think I'm doing everything wrong. I'm so sad, and feel lost. I just want to hide in the corner and give up. I want this pain to go away. *tears*