Adultery is a chosen behavior, not a gene that is passed down. Probably they were not taught right from wrong in his family and that is the problem. When parents raise kids to believe that adultery is AOK, they usually grow up and believe that. I was raised also without being taught right from wrong but I did learn it on my own. And so can your husband. He can change if he chooses.

Is this his first affair?

This is the first time I have caught him. I wrote out the whole story on an earlier post called 'WH wants marriage back but wont talk about affair'.

There have been four other women that he has had a similar situation with. The phone number appears on the bill, then suddenly he is texting them up to 80 times a day, including all hours of the night. He sends picture messages, calls first thing in the morning and last thing every night. In each case, the texts begin with an onslaught, last for a few months then fade to almost nothing. In each case, he has lied to me about who he was talking to and never mentioned the woman's name to me. At least three of them were having marriage problems at the time. I suspect him of secretly meeting one woman 4 times but he denied all but one meeting.

He has sent me more messages, telling me that he wont live with my rules, no chance. He said "I have to leave a job I love, stop talking to all my friends and answer to you every five minutes" no thanks. I ignored it. I did respond to his concerns about money though. He thinks I am trying to rip him off by putting our savings in a two-to-sign account. I explained that it was to protect him so he would calm down about that. He seemed more worried about that than anything. I needed to do it so that he has to look after his own bills and financial stuff. That is one of the things he likes me to do for him the most. Whenever he started on relationship stuff, I ignored it.

I know I am not supposed to talk to him at all, but if he knows I am not trying to take his money he will be easier to deal with. It was all in the letter, but his reading is not that great and he usually needs it explained a few times.

Well, the weekend has begun. So far, so good.

getting, like I said before he will try to test you to see if you really mean what you said in your letter about no contact. If you fail the test, you lose your leverage and he wins. Occasional contact sends him the wrong message. I would suggest that you just stop reading his messages. There was no reason whatsoever to respond to him.

It sounds like having affairs is a way of life with him. Have you been in counseling to explore your own expectations of a marriage?

Getting better at this. I recognise his trying to get things back how they were, but am not responding. It is so much less stressful without him being part of my life.

Expectations are not the problem, it is denial. I have enough evidence to convince anybody that he has had five affairs, but for some reason, I cannot convince myself. That is why I have sat here quietly stressing, but not doing anything about it. I also have trouble with boundaries and excessive empathy. Through this whole thing, I have been more concerned about his wellbeing than my own. If someone stole my car I would probably be more worried about whether they put their seatbelt on than about me being without it.

I am not afraid to be without him, I am young enough, attractive and have two uni degrees that will guarantee me work. I am concerned about him to the point that I don't know what I want. It is hard to find a good counsellor in this area, but I have just found out that his work provides a free service. These are not government subsidised, so are probably better quality. I made an appointment, so here's hoping it will help.

Thanks for sticking by me on this.

You are doing great!