OK...here goes...

I am a 36 year old WH. My EA began about a year and some ago starting from a business relationship with a business partner. At the time, it seemed like she was the only one who understood the stress I was going through, the decisions I was forced to make (I was the primary decision maker in the partnership), and the fluctuating time schedule I was forced to live under. She also was a mom that did things for her kids that I admired a lot. From the EA, it turned into a PA. My wife said she knew where it was headed from when it was an EA and tried to get me to stop. I didn't listen and kept plowing ahead. She, of course, turned out to be right. During the A, I took the OP on business trips with me, and on one of the trips we went to a show. My BW found the receipts for the concert and questioned me on it. I denied the A and said it was strictly a social thing we did while on business. Eventually, through searched on phone records, she found out that we talked A LOT on the phone and one thing kept leading to another. I finally confessed that the A was indeed a PA also. That was about a month ago.

Since then, I have been battling inside. I have talked to the OP and seen her. My wife and I are physically (not legally) separated. I still come by almost every day and help with the kids (3) and do things around the house. About once a week, she finds another tidbit of information and it just blows everything up again. She has told me and I realize that her being "nice" to me while I am there is not meant to serve as an indicator that she is "over it", "in love with me again", or anything like that. She is just being civil and I can understand that.

The A began because there was a lot of communication issues with my wife that did not seem to be hurdles with the OP. I felt so good that I could talk to her without feeling judged, interrupted, or made to feel like I should just give in to her opinions. These issues have not been worked on since even though we have gone to MC five or six times. The C we chose that was recommended speaks over my head and doesn't get to the root of problems. In fact, if you asked me right now, I couldn't tell you much of what we said/did/accomplished while in MC-ing.

I guess my issue is this. When we are nice to each other and I can see or visualize a future where maybe we can work on the communication issues and have a good marriage - much better than the last 13 years, I feel great. When we separate and the OP calls me, I begin to feel confused. Some other posts describe it as a "fog" and that is as close to accurate as I can think of. I am going to tell the OP that I can't talk to her anymore. I have tried to in the past but I can never get the words out. Anyway, my wife called me tonight and asked me about an e-mail that the OP had sent a few weeks ago. I told her that I didn't ask it to be sent. She said it didn't matter that it was over. I hadn't done anything she had asked and that my actions were speaking louder to words. She had asked me to provide her with all the credit card receipts from my businesses that I own so she could look over them. I have told her that I want to try to work it out and I am trying. She said she didn't believe me and there was no more trying on her part.

I am trying to figure out what the holdup is on giving her the receipts. I know there will be other things in there that will bring up more issues. Whenever I feel like I have come clean, there always seems to be something that comes up that I have forgotten, been trying to "just forget", or something. It starts everything up again. I told her we had a PA. I would think that would be the climax of discovery. It isn't. One of the holdups I think is that "Why would I want to give in to her on things if the marriage is going to be like this? Or even like it was before?" If I say anything like this, she says that I am the one that hurt her for the last year and I don't have a leg to stand on to ask her for things. Part of me doesn't want to hurt the OP. I know that sounds so weird. However, after reading the other posts, I can tell it is a normal reaction. I really plan on breaking it off this week. It just seems like it is a little too late now. My wife told me tonight that the timer has run out and there is nothing I can do to make her not divorce me. I know she is so angry but I just keep telling her to give me time. I tell her in different ways but I think she interprets that as let me have more fun with the A and when it gets dull, I will come back. That is not what I mean.

I just want my family back. These feelings in my head can't get sorted out. I want to work on the marriage but now she is saying no. I think if she would just be patient that it would turn out great. But she is not patient with this or anything else. When she gets like this, it pushes me away and I want to call the OP just to hear her say that I am a good person and that I am liked by someone. That will be the hardest part about breaking it off.

How can I tell my wife that I am headed in the right direction? I think I am or at least I think I want to be headed in that direction. There are so many things in my life that have headed downhill and I don't have enough hands or energy to stop them all. My faith has suffered. I have started dipping more than ever. My language has got awful. My business decisions are being neglected. I know that by getting my marriage back on course (or I think I know) that a lot of these things will straighten out.

I screwed up. I hurt my wife. I hurt my kids. I hurt the OP's husband and kids. I feel like scum. I don't really want compassion or pity because I don't deserve it. All I want is for her to understand that what I feel is an addiction fog. How can I get her to understand this and just show some patience?

Do I need to physically separate from her for a while? Do I need to take anti-depressants so that it will be easier to break it off with the OP for good?

What about the constant digging she is doing? Whenever I get a phone call from her usually late at night that starts with "I have a question for you", I can feel myself shutting down. I just want this to go away. I told her about the PA and she just keeps on digging. I just want to say can't we just start over? I have asked her that and she said not until she feels like she knows the whole story. I just don't think she will ever feel like she does and if we did manage to get back together I would be living in constant fear that something else would surface. I would be walking on eggshells for the rest of my life.

This is a crisis moment and I would appreciate any help or advice any of you could provide. I am going to go back to reading posts in hope I can read something which will provide guidance for me or at least comfort me some.

Thanks in advance. I will be happy to clarify or answer other questions in future posts.

SNT,

Welcome to MB. Glad to see a WS trying to understand how NOT t/b a WS.

Ok, now does your W post here also? Whether she does or not, here's my suggestion for you.

First let me share that I am a BS who not only lived with the WS experience in my family but had to work with a WS and OP. So I understand your W's situation and the perspective as an employee.

1. Go read Surviving an Affair and His needs/Her needs. Both are by Dr. W. Harley.

2. Read the concepts section above and take the Emotional Needs Questionnaire.

3. On Monday, call Steve H @ MB, state you are a WS, working with MB concepts and want a session immediately. Let him know your W wants to end the M and you need a plan to save it.

NO guarantees here, just getting you the best help possible.

Steve does phone counseling so he can call you and have a session w/o you having to travel to his office. He is also excellent. But you have to do some work also, so if you do as I recommended above, you w/b ready when you call him to setup a meeting ASAP.

Ok, that's enough work for now.....

Here's the deal.... you have to let your W gripe. She is angry. She has been betrayed and is hurt.

Please read the links in my sig thread. You can e-mail her the link about the 5 stages of grieving. U read it also. It will let her know why she is feeling as she is. She will probably be confused that while you both know she should kick you to the curb, something in her heart who desparately wants her H back. She wants her pain to go away. All you get to see is her hurt.

Then you read the letter from Trueheart to all WS'. Just so you know, that letter was originally written for my very stubborn WS who is now back to being my H. It took a long time. Hopefully you and your W won't have to take as long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Let her read this also (if she is willing). Don't push her, let her read it at her own pace.

I welcome you both to MB.

take care,
L.

SNT,

You really have come to the right place. Listen, you are going to get really great advice from many of the bs's here. They understand what your w is going through and can help you to "get it".

I am a fww (former wayward wife)so I understand where you are coming from as a wayward spouse. It is quite obvious you want the marriage. Ending all contact with the op is extrememly critical right now. If you don't it will prolong your chance at recovery and keep you fogged up. You can't see anything for what it is when you are still in contact. I am a huge proponent of changing cell ph. #'s, home #'s ASAP.
I tried many times to end my A...but because working on the m was soo hard and my h not very communicative I would fall right back into the comfort of talking to the om.

It is natural to want the acceptance of the ow or anyone for that matter when your wife seems to be rejecting you right now. But, she has suffered more than you know. That is why you know must get your head cleared. You will feel like you are detoxing when you go nc with the ow. Reading everything that ORchid told you about is right on target.

My faith suffered greatly during my A as well. But, when it was reallly over and both the om and my numbers changed...I was thankful. I was for the first time ready to let God work on me. It sounds like you are feeling sorry for what you did. True repentence produces change...that is where you take control of getting ow out of your life even if it hurts her. Remember that she will be better off working and trying to save her marriage too.

Work toward getting ow out of your life completely...work on getting your faith restored...get the counseling that Orchid recommended.

Listen...even if you believe that your wife has given up completely at this point...you owe to her, yourself and remember the ow's family to end that relationship. You need a clear head. End all contact with ow. You need to get control of your life. It starts with you.

Keep posting...don't give up...it was hard for me to not justify myself during and just after my A. I had to let go and accept FULL responsiblity for my action regardless of any and all circumstances. That is the only way to work on yourself. I am not saying that is what you are doing but during this period of time it is tough to not head in the justified direction. As time continues the guilt of everything will crash on you and you will be tempted to thwart the guilt by continued contact and justifying it by saying well...wife doesn't want to work things out etc...end it today.



Finally, ending all contact will be painful but it sounds like you know that already. Remember change numbers, email etc...end all contact and roll your sleeves up and go for it.

Do you have kids?? How long have you been married?

Take care,
Brandi aka...
brand new me.

SNT,

OK...here goes...

I am a betrayed wife so I understand what your wife is going through. I am going to tell you precisely what you need to do.

1) Decide if you want to try to save your marriage. Think about it. If the answer is no, then no need to read any further.

2) Cease all contact with the OW immediately. Go to your wife and ask her to help you write a NO CONTACT letter, then send it and keep no contact with her. You will still have the feelings and the desire, but they will lessen with time and eventually go away.

3) Tell your wife everything and answer all her questions truthfully, so nothing will come to haunt you in the future. If you do this she will be able to start trusting you again...someday.

4) Tell her and show her that you are 100% committed to winning her back and to work on saving your marriage. Do not hurt her any further with your actions.

I don't know if she will want to divorce or if she will work on the marriage. But when in the future you look back, you can say to yourself that you tried your hardest to save your marriage and even though you made all the wrong choices to begin with, you came to your senses and did all the right things to preserve your family.

Now is the moment of truth, no more playing, no more consideration for the married-with-children other woman, no more consideration for your selfish need for compliments. ALL of your effort has to be put in saving your marriage or you will lose it for sure. Your decision. No "buts", no "next week", no excuses.

It's your life. You asked for advice and I gave it to you.

By the way welcome to MB.

SNT

Welcome to MB.

The first grim truth here is that your wife has every right to end the marriage.

The second grim truth is that you are in the miserable position of being on the edge of the Fog - the state of warped thinking that supports an affair. You are not quite fully out of it, but not quite far enough in to dull the pain and guilt. Moving all the way out is going to be very painful; it's fear of the pain that's holding you in. A lot of courage is needed here.

The third grim truth is that you have no idea what your wife needs for recovery. She probably doesn't know herself. A month is a very short time; your wife must be in utter agony and almost incapable of doing much more than survive from day to day. Many BS's - myself included - seriously considered suicide in the weeks following revelation of the A, especially where contact between the A partners is ongoing or a constant threat.

This link: Joseph's letter is to another site. Scroll down to the letter, and perhaps this will help to understand your wife's need to know the details.

Good luck.

TA

Close your eyes....
relax...
and for a moment crawl inside of your wife...and feel the beating of her heart....

you my friend as a man feel the greatest betrayal that you could do to your spouse...is the physical sharing of sex....

but you see for a lot of women..........we mourn and focus on the details and the actions that led to the sex......
(which does not diminish or deny the importance or enjoyment of sex...but a sometimes...the better build up...the better the sex...........)

your acts of kindness
your acts of dinners
your acts of shows

all of those are the acts that cut your wifes soul..
that you chose to act
lovingly
tenderly
and caringly to the OW...
while simulatainiously withdrawaling all of these acts of love and honesty from your wife...

for her...
there in lies her greatest pain............

the proof is in the details for her.....
and the truth sets her free..........
as it does all of us.....

while you see dong this small act here or there as reflected on visa statement...
she sees you wooinng and charming and amusing the OP...

women have magnification vision.....it's genetic........

the thoughts of you charming her...are the thoughts that keep her mind spinning at night.....

you were to be her prince charming........not some one elses........

the thoughts consume her...
she will compare each moment of sharing with OP..and place in to some state of neglect wrought upon her...

feel her heart beating for a moment and feel its brokeness...

this is NOT different from any other BS pain...though to speak globally it is usually more magnified with femal BS...

this is can and should be PHASE........

and is pretty common and typical early on in discovery...

your wife has to wrestle these demons...she has to figure out if she can come to terms that you could visit such tenderness on another human being....while mocking her the whole time with the acts.................

All right go ahead and let go of your wifes heart..

to your post...
lets go through it........

your wife asks you for receipts....
you don't give her them...........
she says to you....

I hadn't done anything she had asked and that my actions were speaking louder to words. She had asked me to provide her with all the credit card receipts from my businesses that I own so she could look over them. I have told her that I want to try to work it out and I am trying. She said she didn't believe me and there was no more trying on her part.

is this not really a true statement....
that you have not done what she has asked...

lets just agree that during an affair...waywards spouse have no credibility in the truth...it's kind of like you tore up your own I speak the truth card.......

your words become doubted...because they were doubtable...

she is asking you for truth..
and you are dragging your feet...
it is your actions that spur her reactions........
it is your actions that lack true committment to making this better....

NOW
let me say that I am a huge huge advocate of BS being in an extremely unfair position but that they MUST take on roles that are contradictory to what they FEEL

hugely so infact...

your BS (wifes) role in asking for the information and details is to make it safe for your to give them...

you need to talk to her about this...........
about your desire to come clean with everything..
letting her have all decisions on whether it is a meaningful thing or not...
not you..

you may see going to mcdonalds with the OP as trivial as blinking....your wife may say...you never take to mcdonalds....

it is her call.....
BUT she must make it safe for you to share...so that you can share more...AND move on from this disclosure...to healing................


talk to her about her need for the details...
tell her you now understand what they mean to her...
tell her you now get that it is in those acts that she feels most betrayed...

ask her to help you feel safe to tell her...
offer to help her with the pain that it will cause........

quit fighting her with her requests and try to help her..
try to feel inside of her....

seek compassion for her ........

words of wanting to work on this without actions are meaningless...

that stands true to all of us...we can talk the talk...but we must walk the walk.......
and you do know that..............

Why would I want to give in to her on things if the marriage is going to be like this?

OK this is just a knee jerk excuse..
you know yourself you are an intelligent man...(except for the affair part .. which leave you suspect....

this is not the defining moment of your marriage...this is not the way this ends up...
you wouldn't accept it
she wouldn't accept it...
don't bail now cause it's a little hot around the fire...

my friend you haven't even entered the fire as you haven't gone no contact...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


I just want my family back

hmmmmm really...then do the work...not bail now.....

this information seeking part is as common as WS NOT ENDING CONTACT...

you haven't even ended contact...and want to complain about her asking questions......

see the illogical skewing going on..............

bottom line..
Your children do not deserve such chaos to be visited upon them....

then do as she asks...

call the Harleys here for advice...
they would never ever advocate going back to a marriage like you had....

they work hand in hand with spouses to rebuild and recreate....not status quo....

get your wife in counseling with you...

give her the receipts
call the harleys...
do whatever you must to get BACK in to the home.

AND STOP CONTACT with the OP....
it is the only way........

ARK

You are getting some great advice here and I can't add too much but...

Want to have a fraction of a clue how your wife feels?
- She is hurt beyond belief. She may blame you for your affair but deap inside, she blames herself.
- She may not be eating and if she is, she probably vomits up most of it. Is she losing weight?
- Look at her eyes. Are there circles underneath them? Are they blood-shot? She is probably getting about 2 hours of sleep per night.
- Does she work outside the home? If so, she cannot concentrate and even if she is a wonderful employee, she probably has turned into a poor employee. On top of everything, she is worried about losing her job.
- She is spying on you... She HATES doing it but she does anyway. She wants the TRUTH because she knows she cannot solve a problem based on lies. She is also scare of finding the truth.
- When she sleeps, her dreams are wild and bizzare and she thinks she may be going crazy. She sometimes cannot differentiate her dreams from reality.
- She may yell and argue with you and she hates herself afterwards. She blames herself even more for driving you away.
- She hates who she has become. She used to trust you with everything. Now she cannot trust you the minute you walk out the door.
- I could go on and on and on. What I have written can only be experienced to understand.

The woman you married, promised to love, protect and cherish is going through absolute he1l because of the choices you have made. Does she deserve it?

I am glad you are here though and I commend you for it. Now get to work on your marraige!

Keith

SNT,

I forgot to ask you something. You said: "Part of me doesn't want to hurt the OP." So I ask you, why are you so concern with hurting some other man's unfaithful wife and not so concern with hurting your wife, the mother of your children? Think about it. And don't tell me you are concern about hurting your wife, because if you were you would stop doing it.

too late

having an affair with her has hurt her beyond just about anything else you may hurt her with in the future

if you want to STOP hurting the OW

and STOP hurting your FAMILY

and STOP hurting yourself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

then NO CONTACT EVER is the way to go

it is disingenuous to say you don't want to hurt OW when having an affair with a woman DESTROYS the best and most glorious part of her ~~~> her honor and her walk with God !!!

Let's face facts .... you USED OW to feel good about yourself and you USED OW to distract yourself from problems you were too lazy to fix within your own house

STOP playing the romanitc lover here ... you helped stain OW's soul ... her relationship with God is not so good, thanks in part to you ... how can you say you don't want to "hurt OW" when you have ruined something precious for her?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Please read this .... it is NOT too late for your marriage .... but you must ACT swiftly and honorably to restore the most precious gift you can provide for your children ... a strong loving marriage where they can grow up admiring their parents and feeling safe and secure

Good morning everyone. Let me begin by saying I truly think God put me on to this site. When I woke up this morning, I couldn't wait to get here to check to see if there were responses. Seven! WOW! Thanks so much for caring enough to write those long and thought-out responses.

Today is the day I start NC with OP. I am very nervous and I need all of you to be thinking and praying for me. It brings tears to my eyes (and I don't cry! LOL) to think about because I am still in the fog. After reading all of your responses, there is one common thread....END IT NOW DUMMY! That is what I plan to do.

I am going to just write one response to everyone who has replied so far. I figure that way it won't clog up things so bad. Well, here goes...first the answers to questions...

Orchid...My W does not post here also. I think she has been on this site looking at articles and such but not a poster as far as I know.

I filled in the "Contact Information" for Dr. Harley. I told him the best time to call was Monday. If I don't hear from him, I will call him. Not sure exactly how that is supposed to work but we're in crisis mode here so sometimes the rules change.

Brandi9...Yes, we have three wonderful kids. They know we are "separated" and that Dad lives at a different house. My oldest (10 yo Boy) told my W the other day when she asked him about what he thought about the separation. She was telling him it was ok to ask questions and wonder (which was a good thing). He said he didn't really mind it so much as long as Dad kept coming by every day to the house to be with the kids. It just tore me up. The other two are a 6 yo B and a 5 yo G. They ARE my life. One of the reasons that I was attracted to the OP was her role with her kids. My W seems to complain about taking them places, how they act when they are just being kids, signing up for sports, etc... The OP was just the opposite. It was very attractive for me - especially the sports part. My W and I have been married for 13 years next month.

I think that takes care of the questions. Here are some comments, etc...

I feel like if I don't do something then the M will be over. Last night she sounded so sure of herself. She has said this times before but never followed through on it. Last night was different. Last night she genuinely sounded like she was done. Scared me to death. I just need time to get out of this fog. I know I can see the light at the edge of the fog but sometimes the fog gets thicker and I lose sight but I know the direction it is in and I head that way.

I own three businesses so it may be difficult to change my cell number. All of my customers know it and I wouldn't want to inconvenience them. I guess I could get another cell phone and carry both and send out a global letter with the change. Then when all my calls cease on the old phone, discard it. That might work? We are already thinking about junking our home number since we use cell numbers so much. She will always have my work number and that will be tougher to change. But my secretary answers the phone and I will just make it a point not to answer it in case the OP calls.

Man, so many good things to hear...

You know, for the first time, I think I understand that I need to accept FULL responsibility even if that is not real. I kept telling myself that this affair was a "two way street" and until my W comes up and says what she is going to do to make the marriage different, then I am really not going to move forward. Why would I want to put myself on a limb in order to go somewhere I don't want to go (the former way of living)? However, now I can think of some reasons. First, I never turned it over to God. God is not going to want me to be in that situation again. God can change things/her. I can't. Second, my kids need me so bad. They didn't ask for this. They just have a Dad who made bad decisions. And at the end of the day, I want to be able to look them in the eyes and say that although I screwed up at first, I cleared my head and worked as hard as I could (as Lealas said). Third, slowly but surely, I am realizing some of the things that I did love about my wife. When you/I are in the symbolic fog, you can't see any of them. As the fog lifts, I can see things now. She is more beautiful to me than she has ever been. I see her as really trying to be a good mom. I listen to her jokes in a different way. It is crushing but those are the things I need to focus on in order to get out of this fog.

I love what Brandi said..."You need to get control of your life. It starts with you." So simple, yet so true and powerful. I read it and re-read it. I think I am going to print it out and put it on my visor in my truck. I may even get it tattooed on the backs of my hands! My eyes get watery when I read it because I realize how out of control I have let things get - with family, parents, kids, work, church/faith, health. I sent my W an e-mail last night that said I felt like I was surrounded by a fire with a bucket of water in one hand and a bucket of gunpowder in the other. And I just keep pouring gunpowder on the fire and blowing myself up. I never pour the water. Today is the day I take control. Today is the day I take control. Today is the day I take control.

A lot of you hit on how my wife must be feeling. She is or at least was in utter agony - physically and emotionally. She has told me she considered suicide. Her health has suffered (blood pressure). She has definitey not got sleep. She says her dreams are bizarre and have been for the last year. She hates who she has become. Even if she was the worst W in the world, nobody deserves to be put throught that. And the weird part is, I am such a "giver". I am always giving toys to kids, "loans" to my employees who are hurting that week, and time to those who need someone to talk to. I can't even tell you how many people have come to me for marital advice over the last year. I gave it to them even when I knew that I was worse off than they were and my timebomb was ticking. Ironic. Sick.

I guess I missed one big question earlier. Lealas' question at the end of her reply. I have asked myself that over and over. I wake up thinking today is the day that I stop hurting my wife. Then, I get a phone call from the OP and I start telling her what I am thinking. She reminds me of all the wonderful times/conversations we have had and how could I throw all those things away? It is like I go right back in the fog. Gee, you think that is why NC is so important? DUH! Today is the day. I stop hurting her today, I just hope it isn't too late.

Pray, pray, pray for me. Pray for my W that she will understand what it is I am going through. Pray for my kids that they will not be hurt any more than they already have.

One more thing. My friends who I have confided in have given me advice too. Most of them have said after I told them about my wife's reactions, my former way of life with my W, etc.. that I am crazy to go back. They say that I should just divorce and get through it. They say the kids will be fine in the long run with parents who are happier apart from each other. That I will be much happier. Last night I sent a written copy of my prayer to my wife. This is part of what it said...

"I also pray for anyone and everyone that I talk to about this situation to any degree. It seems that I am getting bad advice and I need to start talking to people who are wise. I pray that You will speak through these people. I also pray that whoever [my W] talks to will be equally as wise and You will talk through them as well. I need an earthly friend that will give me hard, true counseling."

If all of your responses are not a sign that God is answering this part of my prayer, then I must be crazy. They are both hard and true just like I prayed for. Thanks to all of you so much.

SNT

------

"Today is the day I take control."

Words of wisdom from Dr. Harley .... take heed ....

"The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay. "

ALL of us would love nothing more than for your marriage, your wife and you to be restored to wholeness and for you to experience happiness you never before imagined ...

this is NOT possible in an affair ... why not?

because you must shed the finest parts of your character to have an affair ...

time has come

leave the affair and restore your life to sanity

best of all !!!!


doing happy dance here

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

SNT,

Stay with us here, we will help you. I do again commend you for taking control of your life and your marraige.

Keith

SNT,

I am BS. I wish my WH had taken the steps you are being encouraged to take.

Please listen to the people here. This is not only about recovering your marriage, it is about recovering yourself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You have expressed how bad you feel about yurself and if you followed your "friends" advice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> you would probably grow to hate yourself.

If you can look up Cruz's thread. He was a wayward whose wife decided not to forgive, in spite of of the fact that he realized his mistake. He will tell you what happens then.
Also read the Stowaway's thread on Just found out. Their situation was also similar to yours.

Be glad you found MB so soon. We'll pray for you, your wife and hope that it's not too late.

Keep posting. We're here for you.

SNT,

I wish for you the best in your marriage and your own recovery.

I wish my WH would see the error of his ways and try to do the right thing.

As a BS the hurt we feel is hard to put into words. I can only imagine the pain you must feel as WS. Please give youe W time to come to terms with her pain and anger. Be there for her answer her questions as she has the right to know the truth.

I as I am sure many other BS'S on this board would love to have a WS realize what they have done and want to save our marriages.

Read and learn all you can to make this right. Call the Harleys and get their wise advice. You can do this. It w on't happen over night but if you show true repentance I do believe your wife will try and work with you.

God Bless you both and your journey.

Hurting

please stick to nc.

your ow has taken place of w for the en of communication...that was YOUR choice.

by the way...my health has always been good...except for when I was pregnant. got pih severely and was hospitalized for nine days...very very serious.

health was back to normal six weeks after my son was born...and doc warned me about too much bodily stress/mental stress could in future cause bp to raise again...

then comes the ws and his drama...he put me thru so much.

for 3 years I suffered from all your wife did...I got ahold of the depression after year 1, then the rest...but bp wouldn't go down (stress induced...)...the divorce and year to follow made it only worse.

just now has my bp normalized from all the heck that swirled around me.

please heal your family. make your wife your confidant. right now she is swirling out of control. it's as if somebody takes your life and like a rug, pulls it out from under you and you fall down. that is my only analogy as I did have a rug accidentally pulled out from under me a long while ago...

please do this...do what my xh did NOT do.

If not...your future will be the present that my xh is living now...it is not a good place to be or want to be. your friends are wrong. if they're divorced it's because they want you to join their club.

don't join the club if you can help it. wish I could rsign my membership permanently btw.

save your family. do all you can do and then some. love is a choice...it is NOT a fleeting moment...it is NOT the downside of a rollercoaster..

LOSE THE ENDORPHIN HIGH WITH OW.

SNT, read Cruz's answer on this thread.

cruz's story

It's unfortunate he's not around lately.

Thanks some more.

I have to make this quick as I need to go outside and play with the kids while W goes to grocery store.

I opened up my AMEX online account for her. She went through it and questioned everything that OP bought on the card. It was awful. Made me physically sick to think about what I had actually let happen over the last year. What the heck was I thinking? Tremendous amount of guilt. She saw purchases to Victoria's Secret and didn't go over very well. Obviously.

I found myself screaming while she kept digging. I was yelling for her to just stop. I guess it was the guilt and the remembering about what an awful person I had become.

Sometimes it seems like what she is doing out of vengence or the desire to cause me pain. Granted I caused her a lot of pain. Granted I deserve to be beaten with a very large, heavy, sharp object. But if she knows it was a PA and an EA, then why does it matter if the OP used the credit card to get her nails done. OR how many times. I try to put myself in her shoes.

I will continue the post tonight.

SNT

... o...kay.....

and OW's "role" with YOUR kids is toxic

OW has and continues to put HER SELFISH NEEDS ~above~ the very basic needs of YOUR KIDS to have an intact home

in short

OW is enemy to your kids...

what a fine role model <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />