Hi everyone. I found this site from a link, and I am really glad I did. Here's my situation (forgive me, I'm not too good on all the abreiviations yet)

Two weeks ago tomorrow I discovered my wife of 10 years (anniversary last month) has been having an affair, with someone I know quite well. I am 34, she is 35 and he is 45 and married with three children, 11, 13, and 16. We have two children, 4 and 6.

For me, things haven't been as good as they might have been for around 18 months I guess. We just didn't seem to connect like before. I figured she was maybe a little depressed about being a stay at home mum, and encouraged her to get a job 2 nights a week at our local pub. This she enjoyed very much and soon and fallen in with a new group of friends, mostly who seemed to be middle-aged men, and would stay out late with them after work, sometimes not returning home until 2 or 3 in the morning.

I was still concerned about our lack of connection though, and continually asked what was wrong. "Nothing, it's me." she said.

Earlier in the year, she seemed to be getting much more friendly with one of these blokes, Ian. She didn't hide anything from me though, telling me he'd been round for coffee etc.

Then her attantion seemed to shift to another of these chaps, (the OM). He seemed to be a shoulder for her to cry on in her "deep unhappiness", as he was also in a "dead" marriage. I know the OM pretty well, we have been away on a long weekend camping with this group and the OM organised it all. His W did not accompany him, but all kids did.

We went away for our 10th anniversary last month and had a good time (W admits she did too) but I eventually asked her 2 weeks ago if there was someone else, and now everything has gone wrong.

OM's W has kicked him out, and he is about to rent a small 2 bed bungalow in our villiage. He wants my wife to leave to set up home with him.

My wife has said some very hurtful things to me (marriage was never "right", she never enjoyed the physical side, etc) and says she has made up her mind to go.

I have been calm and reasonable, we haven't told our kids yet. I have retracted my initial assertion that she needed to leave the house within days, and I now say she can stay as long as she likes. She won't leave until she knows what's happening with the kids. In UK law, the spouse that leaves the home is in a weaker position to become the primary carer. I am terrified she will take me to the cleaners, as if she is granted PC status, she is entitled to 66% of what we have. At the moment our discussions are centered around us having 50/50 access to the kids through a split week. She says she doesn't want the money she is entitled to, she would rather I kept the house for the kids.

So where next? I have asked my solicitor (she has not engaged one... yet) to refer us to a mediation service to thrash out the details without the lawyers. But she is definitely in the fog that so many describe. This is a woman I didn't think was capable of infidelity. And now I find out that she *did* have a fling with Ian earlier in the year (no sex, so she says.)

What is my next best step? I am being ultra reasonable, for the sake of the kids, and so as not to sour the relationship we have together, even babysitting last week when she went off to see the OM. Oddly, she has made no plans to see him any evening this week, even though she has the opportunity. Guilt, maybe. Still gets lots of text messages, and makes phone calls upstairs though.

Any help you guys can offer would be gratefully received. I am doing better today, but everytime I think about the A or my innocent, beautiful kids, it's like a knife twisting in my heart.

Kind regards

Too Tall

i guess the first things is, do you want to try and save the marriage or do you think the affair is too much of a deal breaker for you to move past? if you do then i suggest you move into full on Plan A mode. expose the affair to all and sundry and then identify and make a concerted effort to meet your wifes emotional needs. It is a hard path to follow, especially when you are so raw from the betrayal but as many on this site will testify, it can be done.

second thing is get in touch with Familys need Fathers. They will be able to give you loads of advice on how to make sure you arent screwed over as you fear. http://www.fnf.org.uk/
We have found them to very helpful for info and advice on getting access to the OC in our situation.

Best of luck to you!

Carolyn

Hello Too Tall,

Welcome to MB.

I am sure other's will be along soon including,hopefully,Bob Pure who lives in your neck of the woods and may help you with all the legalities of living in the UK.Acronyms can be found on the JFO( Just Found Out).

First of all I would recommend that you stick around and read all the concepts here especially about Plans A/B and what they mean.

Keep in mind that most A's end at some point so the reality of all this hasn't quite settled on these two.There are two families being destroyed for purely selfish purposes and it's about to get worse.Your WW moving in with the OM might just be the eye opener she needs.When she finally sees the OM full blast,up close and personal, day after day after day,then the rose colored glasses will come off and she will probably start to see him very differently.

A's are all about the person going through them,fantasy,escape.Your WW might have been bored,depressed,lonely,feeling poorly about herself,feeling overworked/overwhelmed,any number of things,so,she got involved with another man to help herself feel better.She can blame the marriage all she wants ans say she was never happy but a marriage is what you make it and it sounds like she was withdrawing and is now trying to rewrite history to justify her A.

Do continue to focus on the children and making sure they are safe and secure.Personally I would not go into detail about this A with them.They are too young.They do however need some idea of why their Mom isn't going to be around like usual( how incredibly sad that she is choosing to do this to her kids let alone you).Your WW is lost in the sickness of the A and will not make proper decisions so you must for them.

Make sure you are taking good care of yourself too.You are only two weeks out from hearing about this mess and I am sure you are shell shocked like we all have been.Keep coming back to post your feelings and read.We are here for you~

O

edited for pesky typos

I would definately start Plan A, but I would draw the line at taking care of the kids so that she can see the o/m. Do not do anything that enables the adulters to continue their affair. Expose, Expose, Expose and when your wife angrily demands why you did it, you firmly tell her that you are saving your marriage.
If she follows the adulter's manual, she will spew out ugly comments and tell you what you did is going to end the marriage.
If she demands a divorce or seperation, you then tell her, I don't do divorce, I only do marriage.

You will get great advice from some of the seasoned posters.

Put on your armour, you will be in for the battle of your life.

TooTall, the first thing I would suggest is that you stop facilitating this affair. You facilitate it at your and your children's expense. No more babysitting for her and no more carrying on her affair from the comfort of her home. She should not be allowed to text or call her scummy boyfriend from your children's home. Your children should never be exposed to that.

If you want to save your marriage, then your first mission is to do everything in your power to bust up this affair. That means you must make the affair as uncomfortable as possible. That means no facilitation. That means making it clear that her affair is unacceptable. That means using the most potent tool at your disposal, such as exposure.

Exposure is the single most effective weapon I have seen in busting up an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure is ruinous to affairs. So, I would suggest that your first step is exposure of the affair to your W's family, your family, close friends, pastor. Call them up and tell them your W is having an affair and ask for their support in saving your marriage. I would also stay in constant touch with the OM's wife and work together to end the affair.

Lastly, I would rush to the bookstore and see if you can get the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. This will help you understand what is happening here. In the meantime, please read the link in my signature that outlines Plan A.

Are you in touch with the OM's wife? Did she tell you this with her own lips?


I would not talk about divorce or seperation until you have done everything in your power to bust up this affair and save your marriage. I suspect the affair has been going on for some time, though. OM"s wife might have more information.


This is a classic trait of wayward spouses that you should not heed. She is simply rewriting history in order to justify the unjustifiable. Don't pay it any mind, it is all babble.


This is a very important point: being reasonable while your w is trying destroy your children's family and your marriage is not rational. It is not your job to be "reasonable," but to be ferocious about protecting them from harm. That is your job as their father. You are not her "friend" or her "buddy," you are her HUSBAND. Don't let her make you into a "friend" in order to aide her in normalizing her sleazy, destructive behavior. She is not acting as a "friend," so please don't treat her as one.

Also, if your children see you acting like everything is hunky dory while their mother carries on a filthy affair, they will become morally confused. They know this is wrong, they need to see you treat it as such, lest they start their doubt their own instincts about right and wrong.

This being said, while it is important to be ferocious in protecting your marriage from this enemy [the affair], it is in your best interest to NOT love bust her and to do your best to meet her needs. Plan A is a two fold plan that is designed to attract her back into the marriage and to bust up the affair.

Hi everyone and thanks for your quick replies!

In fact when she addmitted the affair to me, I immediately left to go to my parents and spilled my guts to them. This meant she had to go to her parents and tell them (both sets were devastated, as both sets are good friends) and the OM had to tell his W. She more or less promptly kicked him out the house and he was forced to stay with his mother, which is why he is desperately trying to get somewhere to live.

I was surprised as I thought this might be enough to end it, but W and OM dug in their heels and proffessed undying love for each other, my W telling me the marriage is over. She hasn't really shifted from this position in 2 weeks.

My initial thought was to allow her to see this man occasionally to get him out of her system, but you are saying that's not a good idea?

She is going out this Thursday with a group of friends from the pub, (and one of those with be OM) to the theatre (on a minibus - so no chance of fraternising) and I am babysitting for this. Should I refuse and force her to waste the ticket? Or will that be seen as being deliberately difficult? I have in principal already agreed to this. (oops)

However, she still has access to our bank accounts, and I am OK with this, so long as she still stays home to look after the kids. She is even still doing my washing, ironing and cooking meals for me! (Why I have no idea - wonder if OM knows?) I guess she is scared stiff of leaving the home and needs to keep up the pretence to the kids, although she is sleeping in the spare room.

We still talk (we've never been the throwing cups type of couple) calmly, and we both seem to be on the same page with regards to the long term plans for the kids *at the moment*, and of course, I may be able to get out of this with my finances not too badly damaged as long as her guilt levels stay high.

The only sticking point is that she wants the kids to begin staying overnight in this crappy house with her "at least one night a week" with OM as soon as she moves out, and I don't think this is a good idea. Sure, in the long term of course, I'll have to get used to the idea, but in the short term surely NOT. What do you guys think?

At the end of the day, money can be made again, but I only have one shot at getting my kids brought up right, and she's all over the place at the moment. I don't see how I can trust her to make rational decisions regarding the kids while in the midst of this A.

cheers

TooTall

Don't let the kids visit the place where the afairees conduct their tawdry affair. Let her know that you will protect your children.

Also, I don't know how the law goes in the UK (maybe you can add the UK to your thread title, and stir up Bob Pure), but see if she will put in writing that you can have the house. The guilt doesn't last long, and I have only seen 1 case here where the WS did the honorable thing.

hmmm. Kids sleeping in same house as o/m and w/w. (shaking head), I don't think so.
Your first responsiblity is to keep your children safe and not have their morals corrupted by your w/w's sleazy affair.
Do not let w/w make her ugly affair seem legitimate by allowing your children to be exposed to this behavior, and allowing your w/w to normalize her awful acts of betrayal.
You don't want your children growing up thinking it is ok for spouses to have an affair, and then shack up with the o/p and bring their children into it. That is a legacy a parent ususally doesn't want to hand down to their children.

TT, I would call the OM's wife first thing today and have a chat with her. Compare stories with her and discuss ways you can end this affair.

I would then stop being so agreeable about her moving out. Tell her you don't want her to move, you think your marriage is salvagable. But you won't stop her. And be sure and let her know that the kids will not be dragged into her sleazy affair so they won't be coming over.

Expect her to try to drag the kids into this in an attempt to "normalize" her affair. This is a common trick used by fogged out affairees. By standing your ground and not allowing the kids to get dragged in you will send a strong message that her lifestyle is not a fit environment for kids.

Secondly, tell your W that you will not faciliate her affair in any way and won't be babysitting. That sets a terrible example for your children.

I would also get your finances protected NOW because she will likely plunder your accounts. And hopefully you aren't intending on funding her apartment or any of her expenses for this. You should never take family money to fund her affair.

That is the WORST thing you could possibly do; almost as bad as allowing the children to be exposed to OM and funding her love nest.

TT, here is a true story of a UK betrayed spouse who facilitated his W's affair and ended up hanging himself. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Hi TT,

I'm UK too and your situation is similar to mine. I've even had many similar phrases spoken against me by my WW. I initially moved out, before I found MB, and have since moved back in and implemented a, hopefully, good Plan A - including NC and seriously bettering myself. My wife and myself had been drifting for a good long time but I was devastated when I found out about her EA. I've taken a good, hard look at myself and where I was and have made some serious changes to my lifestyle, not only to impress my wife and convince her that the marriage is a better place, but also to ensure I have a future, regardless of what happens.

His Needs/Her Needs has proven to be excellent reading and a good group of friends has helped me immensely. These boards have also proved invaluable, as often the act of writing about what is happening is very beneficial to my mental state at the time. This whole process hurts like nothing I could have ever believed. I hope you find good advice and find a way through this.

Good luck, mate.

Hiya TT. Sorry you find yourself in the sh1te mate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Good news is the odds are stacked in your favour.

I'll say a couple of things as I dont have long:

Firstly sixteen months ago my dear missus, Squid, was stealing our kids college money to set up home with a dirty old wastrel, screwing him and proclaiming undyng love for him in the seediest of motels.

Right now sh'es sitting in my living room at home, watching Emmerdale after we just had a lovely lunch together.

She's in my life, my bed and my heart again. Our marriage is the most functional it has ever been.

And we have the tools we need to get the best marriage ever.

I bundled up the WONDERFUL advice I received here in a chornological thread. Make a pot of tea and read up. This advice saved my marrige and probably my life.

Click Here

Second Melody Lane will bite your legs, but you better listen. Her advice to forge an alliance with OMs wife is perfect. The alliance she bullied me into forming with OMs GF was incredibly successful at stopping contact.

Finally - STUDY. Buy and read "surving an affair" by Dr Willard Harley and all the articles on this site. Affairs are like diseases - they have common symptoms and prognoses. I guarantee I heard a paraphrase of every shred of foggy crap your WW is telling you about "love" for OM.

Its going to hurt you TT, but you can become a KNIGHT if you study and apply your knowledge bravely.

I'm in the UK, ping me when you need to. I'm in your time zone.

All blessings. You won't believe this but in six or so weeks you will feel better than you can ever imagine feeling right now.

OK

I just rang their house and one of their daughters (14) answered the phone. I just asked for their mum, and she said she was still at work... and then recognised my voice! She seemed pleased I'd called. I offered to call back, but she said she would prefer to take a message. So I left my number for her mum to contact me if she feels it's appropriate. I also said she might want to not mention the fact I called to her Dad (OM) just yet. She said OK.

I was amazed that she seemed quite pleased that I'd called. I wonder if they have discussed the possibility already? Well, I'll just wait to see if OM's wife calls me!

I've really set the pot boiling now!

cheers

TooTall

Hold on.You are not babysitting for your WW.SHE is choosing to go out and pretend she is an unmarried woman.You cannot stop her from doing anything .These actions are HER choice,how you respond to said actions is YOUR choice.Your kids need at least one stable parent looking out for them and that is YOU.



NO WAY.Do what you can to prevent this.If your WW wants to go slumming,then that is her choice but the kids DO NOT go along for her sleazy ride.They need to be protected.



You don't say "I am allowing you" but rather TELL your WW how much what she is doing is hurting YOU and the KIDS.Use *I* statements.You can always tell her your feelings but ultimately you cannot control anyone but yourself.A common mantra here at MB.

O

Good job, TT! Please use it as an opportunity to compare notes with the OMW. Affairees often lie to one another and this is a good way to uncover lies. I would also explain to her that you are trying to save your marriage and think you can do this using Marriage Builders principles to bust up the affair. Tell her that most marriages do not end from an affair and that many people have saved their marriages using these principles. See if she would be interested in coming here. [if you feel comfortable doing so] Ask for her assistance in helping to end this affair.

Good job!

p.s. after you speak to the OMW it is ok for your W and the OM to know you called. You want them to know you are not going to make this easy for them.

Thanks Melody! And you anticipated my next question... do we let the pair know we have met / are meeting?

cheers

TT

TT, mel's right but I would add they probably won;t be very happy !

When Squid and OM found out I was in contact with OM GF they went BALLISTIC. Hyuk Hyuk !

Soak it up. Doesn;t last

Hi B0b

Can you elaborate a bit on what you mean? I've been agonising over who holds the upper hand between us in terms of the kids and financial issues. Sometimes I think WS does, and sometimes it feels like I do.

Sometimes I think maybe it's hopeless and I should cut her loose and try to get the best deal I can for me and the kids. And then other times I just want her back so badly, I'd do anything.

On the one side, she has already said she won't leave the house (joint names) until the kids are "sorted out". I think she naively believes thats agreements made under arbitration are binding. However, I think my solicitor said that nothing is binding until the divorce is finalised. So she could be at home for months! In one way that's good (she is still cooking, cleaning etc! and looking after the kids while I am at work) but in another, it's bad because having to be with her in the evenings is painful knowing what she is doing... although I'm holding it together pretty well.

She has threatened to get herself a solicitor if I refuse to give her overnight access to the kids when she shacks up. But now I think maybe, "Go ahead then." There's nothing more important to me than the welbeing of my kids.

I can't believe she is putting her "happiness" (FFS!) over the welbeing of our kids. To me, it's just a no-brainer - kids first, me second. End of.

Any advice greatly apprieciated from someone who's been there and come out the other side.

Thanks

TT