Your H is exactly right. We are not defined by our bad deeds or choices. We are defined by how we respond to those things in life.

I am relieved that he knows everything and you can start working on your M. As I promised, I am not going to sugar coat anything. His reaction was somewhat similar to mine in that I was able to handle things pretty calmly on D-Day (after about six beers of course) but then about 3-4 days after, it all kind of sank in and I hit the bottom. I still stuck to my plan of no LB's and meeting EN's for my wife but I was really in the dumps for a while.

Recovery is a rollercoaster. The good news is that at this point, you are there for each other to hold the other one in the seat on the dips down. Many BS's on here don't have that luxury. They are dealing with themselves and trying to save their marriage with little help initially from the WS.

I would seriously suggest that your husband register here and spend some time asking those of us who have been through this questions. We are all here to help and share our experiences. None of us are professionals and few of us are even experts, but we know what both of you are dealing with. Often, I post on here instead of inadvertantly lashing out at my wife (a big LB). Helping others and knowing that there are many similarly situated has helped me deal with the painful reality.

As for what to expect tonight, who knows for sure. Everyday will be a little different. Some up, some down. The most important thing that you can do is to assure your H that you are there for him now. All BS's take a major hit below the belt in self esteem and confidence following D-Day. This will come back over time. Keep assuring him of your committment to the M, to radical honesty and to meeting his EN's anyway that you can. If you do a good job with meeting his EN's, it will subconsiously give him the affirmation that the A was not his fault and that he made the right decision on sticking this out.

Also, focus just on the immediate needs of each other for a while. Don't push the long term plans, etc. too fast. I have read somewhere that you should wait about the same duration after D-Day as the A lasted before you even discuss the long term committments, plans etc. Focus on making it through tommorrow, and then the next day. Soon enough you will be focusing on next week, then next month, and finally years down the road. This is a new start for both of you. It is just like when you first started dating. You didn't set a wedding date on the first date. You get my picture. SF on the first date is encouraged and welcomed by the BS. Good SF goes a long ways in healing some of the pain. But one other little omen. Don't push him into SF if he is not ready. There will be sometimes that he may get started but have to quit during the middle. If that happens, just assure him that over time you both will be able to work throught those issues and let it rest.

It was weird ... waves of passion followed by tsunami of rage ... be prepared ... do not expect consistency ... expect INconsistency



Our Deacon said ... "Love is not the problem in these matters ... trust and respect are the bigger issues."

... and, it turned out he was correct

Your love must be shown in your gentle openness ... but even when your H KNOWS you love him, he may be deeply damaged by the lack of trust and the lack of respect ....

The trust issue is the big-booger in the snot of recovery ... don't expect to blow this particular boogar out of your way very soon <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

The trust must be earned ... unlike the love

OK?

Begin by being quiet and listen when he wants to talk. Do not argue. Do not get defensive. Own the responsibility for the A. Yes, he has his own ownership of problems in the M but YOU chose to have the A. Keep that thought in the forefront of your mind so you will not get defensive. The first few nights my H woke me in the middle of the night to ask some very tough questions. Answer them honestly. It will hurt but answer him. I held him for the first few nights.

Oh, can't remember if you answered this one. Did you use protection? Have you been tested for STD's?

Thanks everyone,
Gentle openness. Immediate emotional needs. Listening and answering. Taking responsibility/not getting defensive. I think I can handle all that. But SF? I don't know what that is. Remember, I'm new here. (And FF -- no we didn't use protection, and I mentioned to my H last night that I would need to get tested before we were intimate.)

Oh.. and Mortarman... you bet your buns I'm looking at him differently!!!!!

Pep:

This quote is hereby nominated for the hall of fame of recovery quotes. I hope you don't mind if I store it up to be used in the future sometime (with due credit to yourself of course).

How true it is. But SC's continued honesty and openess will go a long way toward rebuilding that trust. I think that in addition to the trust aspect that will only come back over time, the openess in communication allows both the BS and the WS to regain their dignity through the progress that they make on rebuilding their relationship. I wish this was a downhill battle from here but at least my personal experience, although much better than I ever anticipated is that it is a rocky uphill road full of major size potholes.

SC I am so happy that it's out in the open now.

Make sure if any details come up - and your husband wants to know - you don't hide anything...hiding anything will hold back any progress you want to make.

Your husband will have ups and downs. He handled it with maturity and well, but his anger may come later - be ready for it, and be compassionate and understanding with him - no matter what he throws your way - he will go through alot of feelings over the next while - be conciencious of all that you do.

Continue to look within yourself - even if you have your husbands understanding - you want to prevent this from ever happening again, and even if your husband changes, what if he has a busy month, etc and can't meet your needs or be a good husband - what will prevent you from doing this again? You need to keep looking within to figure out why you allowed yourself to do this because is the end - there was no gun to your head - you madethe choice.

And most of all - your husband may feel like a failure - and any talk on what he did wrong in the marriage may make him feel worse. try to bring up maritial problems in a kind way. Learn how to communicate in a way that gets your feelings across without accidently blaming him - there's always a chance he may not change, and right now he wants to know you love him for him, with or without the changes - even if you aren't in love - that HIM the way he is is keeping you there.

And with the changes you make - you may find things change at home anyhow - something as simple as learning how to communicate better (in my case) made a huge difference on how my husband listens to me without him having to change. I learned how to bring up my feelings in a way that didn't bring up his defensive wall and cause him to ignore my words...and things actually get solved now, and I get so much love and affection that is genuine because we aren't always in defensive mode from our talks.

Welcome to recovery!

SF = sexual fullfilment

SC and Mr. SC:

Day 2. Hope things are going well still. As for when the anger and resentment set in, unfortunately give it time..it will eventually. The good news is that if you both follow the MB principles, you can work through it.

About the first week, I guess I was probably in shock more than anything else. When I first read your post, I really kind of visualized myself in the same position all over again. One of the early posts really describes the first few weeks well. Waves of passion and then a tsunami of rage.

You have been advised well here. Your most important function right now is to be there for your BS. After everything sets in for him, be prepared for some more questions. It takes some time for everything to sink in for the BS. Remember that his self esteem is likely crushed and even if he was an extremely self confident prior to the disclosure, this will have some effects on his self worth. He may start to blame himself for your choices. It is extremely important for long term recovery that you make sure that he knows that the A was not his fault. He certainly did things that contributed to an unhealthy M environment (we all did) but you made the choice to fulfill your EN's outside the marriage. The good news is that God can and will forgive you and your H can as well.

If he is lurking on this site any, I hope that he really reads all the materials on this site, especially the Lovebusters section. In order to create the environment to rebuild your marriage, he has to stay away from DJ's (disrepectful judgements). This is extremely hard for many BS's because as the pain sets in, it is hard to not take some of that pain out on the WS. But, too often if a DJ occurs or the WS feels like that additional information will be held over their head in the future, the WS has a tendancy to withdrawal which is a big set back to the rebuilding and healing process.

You have a lot of people pulling for both of you making these steps. Your husband has a big fan club here. We will all be here to walk him through the process if he choses. As has been said before, it is not an easy process but well worth the effort.

i am praying for you both.

Day 3.

The rollercoaster ride has begun and I'm not sure my seatbelt is fastened. I can't seem to think straight.

Yesterday morning (less than 48 hours after D-day) my BH was very upbeat and optimistic. It made me nervous -- with good reason as it turns out.

He came home from work a little later than ususal, very quiet as though trying to control a rage that had been building throughtout the day. He went straight upstairs. I gave him some time to be alone (I dunno, 15 minutes maybe)... Then approached him as gently as I could, asking him how he was doing. He said calmly, not looking at me, "You know, the one thing we always had between us was trust. And it's been sinking in all day, how little you cared about me while you were out screwing some other guy. And I don't know if I can ever trust you again. And I don't even know what I want to do anymore." His tone told me to keep quiet, so I did. My instincts were right. He wanted me to leave him alone at that moment. He left the room and I didn't see him the rest of the night (I usually go to bed soon after he comes home, anyway. I work 3-11 a.m. He works 9-5ish. We work at the same place.)

Then, he called me on my cell phone while I was driving to work this morning and explained that he had spent the whole day yesterday getting images of me with the OM. And it cut him to the core. (I can't even imagine how painful that must have been). He told me what he really needed from me right then was the reasurance that I was in this for him/us, not just because the OM rejected me. (This seems to be a major sticking point for him). Anyway, I did my best to reasure him, and I think we might be back on track.

Here's what's freaking me out. I'm not one of those FWW who thinks: "I messed up but I know I love my husband and I'll do anything to make my marriage work." You may remember that I had been having some trouble feeling much of anything for him, and I'm still not there yet. So I'm terrified about how I'll handle it if and when he (a) wants to know exactly how I feel about him, and/or (b) wants to get physically intimate. Night before last, he gave me a deep, hard kiss and while my heart wanted to reasure him and end his suffering, my body desperately wanted to pull away. It took all I had to hang in there, and that was just a kiss!

Thanks again for all the words of wisdom so far. Please keep them coming.

-SC