IT'S EARLY IN THE GAME??? Oh, good golly! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the positive input, Mimi. I REALLY needed it this week.

Cheers!

Hello Mimi,

Just thought I would give you an update from "darkville". I have been much better and a lot happier since you and Shugah tuned me up. Going dark was truely the only path to any real recovery for me. Most if not all of the anger, doubt and restlessness have subsided or gone away for me.

For the first time since D-Day last March I feel relaxed and content. I did all I could and now it's up to her. I think it's beginning to show to other people too. All of a sudden everyone I know is telling me about someone else they know that would be "perfect for you". I have started dating some of these women but my heart just isn't into romance and I have kept it strictly platonic.

As for my kids they are handling things pretty well for the most part. DD worries me though. She wanted to support her mother more by doing things with mom and OM. I challenged her on this and I think it backfired. She is now doing the same thing to me her mother did. Going out with mom and OM and and giving me excuses why she can't see me or just not being available. I found out by running into her , mom and OM at a local college basketball game after DD said she was going home to see her SO and just watch TV instead of having dinner with me. Now DD feels awkward and is avoiding me entirely. I'm sure this scenario was concocted by the EX as a good way to deal with dad. Just shine him on and not let him know is better than being straight forward and honest. DD has never been like this before and I let her know it does not suit her.

Thank you for all your support and the really good advise! Peace of mind and contentment could not have come for me without going dark and you and Shugah got me there.

Great news, Dukhuntr.

How old is your DD, btw? Because I wouldn't automatically assume she is trying to "support" her mother. Truth of the matter is that children feel VERY insecure at the wayward parent's behavior, and they will appear to accept whatever it is they're doing because they're just so darned afraid of being left too. It is very, very sad.

Hello River Tam,

DD is 24 and has been living with her SO for two years. She stood beside me thru all of the D-day and after bull****, but has always been really close to my EX. It could be a fear of losing her relationship with her mother, but how do I keep her from losing a grip on her honesty and integrity with me in the process? EX is a conflict avoider in the truest sense. I think she is guiding DD into the same sort of behaviors and DD is buying into it.

When I bring this out into the open with her she turns away and avoids me rather than deal with the issue. I'm not sure at this point how to keep our relationship as father and daughter alive and well when she is so defensive and elusive with what is going on between us. I know enough to say that continuing to challenge her and make demands will only push her away. From there I guess all I can do is let her know I will be there when she needs me.

Great to hear your news, Duk..I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing...

If I were you, I would tell your daughter how you feel once and for all..maybe even in a LETTER and then...go dark on HER...

Keep in touch....

Hey Mimi!

I'm not sure I could ever go dark on my daughter. She was there for me on D-Day and when I needed her after that and I just don't think I could do it with her. Be less attentive and communicate less - yes. Go dark? No way!

I do have a question for you. Ex has been with the OM for 20 months now and shows no sign of making any changes. I still hold a sliver of hope for us but at the same time I wonder what it is I would have to give up myself to allow her back into my life. I know she has never made any attempt to address her credit card issues or seek help in understanding her choices in having the A. I have told her both of these would have to be dealt with before she re-entered my life in my plan B letter. All of this assumes she gets a new job and agrees to NC with the co-worker. What else would I have to give up though to allow her to renter my life?

Someone asked me this the other day and I started to say I would not give anything up but after thinking a minute I know this is not true either. At the very least I would have to give up some of my self respect to allow someone who has betrayed me and hurt me so badly to come back to what she so freely abandoned. Peace of mind? Wouldn't you be forever vigilant and suspicious? And lastly have you found that you would hold this hurt out there in the back of your mind only to be pulled out when confronted by some other difficulty in the marriage?

I just did not have a good answer to this question and I thought you might have a handle on some of these issues. Thanks for you help again it really did get me out of my funk.

I understand about NOT going dark on your daughter!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like your LOVE BANK has almost reached empty for your WW,Duk.

Have you forgotten what marriage is all about? GIVE and TAKE...If you ever got to RECOVERY, it would not be about her doing ALL of the work for YOU...She would REPENT (for want of a better word) for her wrongdoings towards you and you would FORGIVE her. It wouldn't be about making her PAY A PRICE for betraying you. The slate would have to be wiped clean and you two would work on beginning anew.

My FWH made me believe that he was sincere about reconciling our marriage. Once I was convinced of his sincerity- through NC letter, making his life an open book, telling me how sorry he was, etc.- then I forgave him. At first, for many months, I was suspicious but he never gave me any reason to doubt him. I was OPEN about CHECKING up on HIM. He ACCEPTED and UNDERSTOOD this. You see, his life became an OPEN BOOK and still is.....

He did the work on helping me to stop doubting him. He demonstrates his LOVE for me and his COMMITMENT to the M. I have maintained my self-respect by communicating my expectation of this work on his part.

Hope this makes sense. It's hard to explain.

A NEW AND DIFFERENT MARRIAGE, I THINK, HAS TO BE ESTABLISHED IN RECOVERY...A marriage which builds upon the past... recognizes and accepts the hurts/damage/wounds from the affair... but does not dwell on these injuries any longer... takes and uses these wounds as valuable lessons to maintain the best marriage ever....

Hi Mimi,

I sorry if I sounded like it would be all on her to during recovery, I know better! I was just wondering what your experience was during that time. You did a pretty good job telling me what I needed to hear.

I firmly believe if it ever were to happen it would be a new and completely different marriage for us. We would both demand it I'm sure. My Love Bank is pretty well depleted and it would take a huge effort on her part to show her sincerity and NC would have to come first. I have completely lost all trust in anything she says and her actions would be all that I could go on. I know in my heart I could forgive her, but re-establishing my trust would take a lot of patience and openness she has never been capable of before.

Bumping my thoughts up again for new folks...

Bumping up for Slammed and Loni and others...

I'm beginning to forget this stuff...

THE EMANCIPATION OF MIMI....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Bumping for temp and others...

Bump up for anybody who might find this helpful TODAY.

And also this..up one more time....

BUMP FOR SIS

bump

{{{{{Mimi}}}} Here's Meg standing and applauding Mimi for her tenacity, courage, wisdom and strength. What a mighty woman of God you've become. It's really weird because early this morning I thought of writing to all the BSs here and praying for them and thanking God for the MBers like you and several others who pour out on others who are hurting. You are truly blessed and a blessing to us all. Thank you for sharing.

I already said a lot here....

Check this out what I said in this Thread...I had this in mind tonight...

And this I said..I was also thinking tonight:

Mimi, thank you for bringing this post back up. It's a tremendous help.