I've just received a letter from our mortgage provider, addressed to me and STBX (we have a joint mortgage).

STBX has apparently asked them for a 'payment holiday', which they have refused.

I feel sick. The mortgage went though this month (despite STBX withdrawing £700 for 'mystery expenses' - probably credit card bills), but my gas, electric, telephone and home insurance all bounced this month.

I don't know what to do. He must be anticipating more expenses next month if he's made this payment holiday request.

I don't want to lose my home. I don't want my children to have to move, change their schools, lose their friends. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Oh my gosh, Alphin, I don't know what to say. I can not believe how irresponsibly WH is behaving!!! Rush quick to your lawyer and see if there is a way for you to have his paycheck garnished. There must be some way that you can protect yourself and the children.

How can he do this to us? I'm very, very upset.

Alph.

You have every right to be upset Alphin. Remain calm and keep your wits about you. Trust that God will take care of you and your children. Get advice from your lawyer. Who else can you call for help? What about your husband's employer? What about your husband's parents?

My dad would be the best person to call; he has a lawyer's brain even though he's not a lawyer!

Unfortunately, he and my Mom are on holiday in Hawaii! I'd ask Orchid to go look for them, but they're on a ship at the moment, and are not contactable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

MIL and FIL are fully aware of what an a$$ he's being, but nothing they say makes any difference.

I pay the mortgage 'manually' (if that's the correct word) each month by debit card on the day STBX gets paid. Previously it was paid by direct debit, but kept bouncing as there wasn't enough money in the account at that time of the month. It's safer this way.

If the worst comes to the worst, I know I will be OK. My parents will look after us, though that grates slightly at the age of 36! They have offered to buy us a house if we move closer to them, to an area where houses are much cheaper than they are here.

I will have to begin considering this seriously now.

Thanks for being here, LT.

Alph.

(((((Alphin)))))
I wish I could do more.

I can still offer you and your girls a place to have a vacation and I'll even point you towards my WH. Please feel free to use him as a voodoo doll. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

You're so kind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


LOL! Does voodoo work on aliens? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

I've just remembered. The other day, something else happened; something rather strange. I received a letter from another creditor, thanking me for asking to set up a direct debit from my (not STBX's) bank account, and enclosing a form.

I didn't request it. The bill is currently being paid out of STBX's account, but obviously he thinks that I should begin paying some bills out of my bank account - but this bill is only for £14.99 a month!

Firstly, I'd like to know what he thinks I can pay any bills with the amount I have to spend each month (even £14.99 is stretching it!). Secondly, it seems like rather a petty thing to do - petty for him to ring up this company and ask them to send me a direct debit form, and for a petty amount of money!

I get the feeling that STBX is beginning to panic slightly about his financial situation. Perhaps he's just trying to get to me, and all this is a response to the letter my atty sent him informing him of the D.

Who knows?

Alph.

Alphin,

Sounds to me like there is trouble brewing in paradise and WH's fantasy bubble is about to burst. Since you are to blame for the mess he's created <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> he is trying to pull your strings. He's pushing you to test your boundaries. Is that 14.99 a month bill in his name? Don't you dare pay it if it is.

He's having a temper tantrum and behaving like an irresposible 2 year old child. Too bad its not a bit cute when your over 40.

Now where were those voodoo pins?

Alphin, I'm watching someone go through this right now. Reposession orders have started as they are months in arrears.

Whatever game he is playing or reality he is living in it doesn't matter...you need to protect yourself. He obviously cannot be relied upon at all.

You need to write to all your creditors that are in joint names...especially the mortgage people. Don't wait until they start proceedings against you! You need to explain the situation and ask if they can help or give suggestions until the finances are sorted out. Meanwhile you need to sort out your finances legally. Speak to your Solicitor right now.

You need to be pro-active with this....he could stay in a dream world for a long time...you really don't want to be getting a bad credit rating or losing your house through repossession.

Albeit repossession takes a while for the mortgage companies to start the ball rolling...so no immediate panic but your credit rating could be detrimentally affected.

I hope this doesn't sound bossy but it's made me mad. "Super Alphin" needs to come and out and slap WH down to size.

LT, maybe the bubble is about to burst, but like you say - it's all my fault! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Strong, I will give my solicitor a call in the morning - I was too busy today. I had to go to the employment people to talk about my welfare situation. I was in there two minutes! I mentioned the words 'divorce' and 'Crohn's Disease' and she renewed my claim in an instant.

So at least I know I'll have some money coming in for the next six months. Still no news about the CS, though. I called the CSA (Child Support Agency) the other day, and they were no help at all. Couldn't get any information about my claim - it's as if it doesn't exist. They said they'd call me back, and they haven't yet.

Still, I will get this sorted out! It was all just a bit of a shock this morning.

Thanks, everyone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

What a complete jerk. So far my WH has paid the house and the bills but I could easily be in your shoes at any given time. I don't earn enough to cover our outgoings. It is such a worry for you. Take care. TT

More news *sigh*.

I managed to get in touch with the CS people today - after hearing nothing at all since May.

They said the reason for the delay was that there had been a change of 'employment details' or a 'change of circumstances' for STBX.

Sounds like he's been forced to change jobs. Because I exposed.

I don't think he'll ever forgive me for this.

Alph.

Remember that part of the movie when Ben Stiller tells his cheating wife...

"You cheated on me on our HONEYMOON! What kind of a cold-hearted b!tch are you?"

That moment was an epiphany for me...how does one ignore the utter disregard a WS has for the spouse they are betraying? ESPECIALLY if the BS wants to take them back!?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Don't shield people from the consequences of their OWN actions.

He treated you as if you were disposable ... I would not worry too much about him not forgiving you .... ummmm he may have trouble forgiving himself !

Alphin

If he's had to change his job, it's because he was having an affair with a colleague, against the principles and ethos of the school. He may project his guilt onto you, but all you did was ask his employers to face up to their own consciences.

Detach from caring what he thinks about you.

I know how difficult that is to do - the very heart of a marriage is built round wanting to be thought well of by your spouse. But you have a spouse who can't use that power wisely, so for your own survival you must keep telling yourself that what he thinks of your does not define you.

He's a father of children. It's his responsibility to provide for them. I think he's trying to squirm out of that. Can you find out from the school what has happened with his job? I smell a rat in the 'change of circumstances'.

TA

You're right. I'm not going to. It might make things a little awkward at Christmas though, with MIL. Though if I remember correctly, when I was exposing and worried about STBX losing his job, her response was something like 'So what - he can get another one!' My MIL is pretty cool, really.


Yeah, that's true, Pep. One day he's got to face up to the consequences of his own actions - hasn't he?


I know. I wish I didn't still care about him, but I do. Most of the time I'm OK with it now, really I am. Then the last couple of days happened, with the worry about the mortgage etc, and here I am - worrying about him, caring about him, darn it!

I wasn't able to talk to my atty today - she wasn't there. I've left a message, and I'll try her again tomorrow.

Thanks, all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Hi Alphin,

I'm glad you phoned your solicitor...I was coming back to prod you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

It's a strange comment from the CSA. Either he has lost his job or he is lying to them. If he was just changing his job I wouldn't have thought that it would make a difference to the CSA unless he was taking a much lower salary.

Is his salary still going into the account? Have you considered phoning his school or your MIL with a general "is he still working at the school".

Or phone the mortgage company and talk about the letter you got. Ask them why he asked for a "mortgage holiday"...you have a right to know and it could give you a clue as to what is really happening.

This must have knocked you sideways. Once your finances are legally sorted it should (hopefully) stop such horrible problems cropping up out of nowhere. Sorry you are going through such a wretched time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, Strong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

His salary is still going into the account - that's the strange thing. Well, it did last month, anyway. The usual amount, too.

I'll try and phone the mortgage company tomorrow - as you say, I have a right to know.

I'm done with talking to the school, though - never phoning that place again. I do have a friend who still works there, though - used to be a friend of STBX's, too, but was disgusted by what he did. I might give him a call, and see what he knows. As far as I know, they still play in a band together.

It's been a crappy couple of days, that's for sure. At least my girls are doing OK - for that I am very grateful.

Alph.