Karona, My suggestion? Give the guy your number. Go out with both of them if the opportunity arises. Take it slow. Of course be honest you're not dating exclusively. Then decide if you want to date one of them exclusively. One mistake I've made is moving too fast early in the relationship. I hope to break that pattern if/when I start dating again.

Thanks LT!

I think I will take your advice.
I too am planning on taking it slow, or not at all if it doesn't feel right.

You know I have jumped too soon before, and I would like to think I have learned something from the heartache.

K~

I actually wrote a long response yesterday, but somehow messed it up when sending it so it never got here.

Karona-

I think you should give the guy your number and meet both of them. This is your time to get out and have some fun. Be open minded, and upfront. If you should find that one of them is what you are looking for pursue it further. Enjoy!


As for my situation. After numerous talks with both the BF, and yes I guess that is the title he is presently under, others involved, etc. I have come to the conclusion that nothing happened. Yes, it was an incredibly poor lapse in judgement, but cheating no.

As for our other issues, we are working on them. We have put our feelings on the line and let each other know where we stand. I am hoping that this will be the beginning of some good. We have had a lot of good communication and I hope that we are able to keep with the things we have promised and planned.

I guess I wish I could figure out why he has to be so needy. I need to have trust and independence, but that doesn't mean my feelings aren't genuine.

Can't wait for updates from you both!

Take care and God bless!
K

Ahh, the update.
Okay, so you and BF are making progress, good.
I think it's important that we learn to not assume that all men will be like our x's. I'm hopeful that some good will come out of this situation, and hope that he has learned that you won't stand for it.
I'm glad it has opened up communication for you that has needed to be addressed. Still, I so want you to be happy and if this is the guy, I wish you the best with him.

As far as his neediness, he doesn't have children right? I think that's where my xbf's n's stemmed from. They simply don't have the responsibility of children to consume their time, and they have all this free time that they don't know what to do with. If we think back on how it was when we were young and dated, we wanted to spend all our extra time with BF's. Our lives are much different now because of our children, and our time is precious. So, I think that's what it boils down to. I tried to be understanding of that in my situation, but I was at a point where it just consumed me.
I think I could handle it better now.
Anyway, keep us posted on the going's on.

Thanks for your input. I did call the teacher [YD's teacher, she introduced us] last night and let her know she could give my # to the guy. It was kind of nice/cute. My OD goes to the school he teaches at. He told my YD's teacher that he could look up my # at school, but didn't think that was right. Anyway, I appreciate how he has gone about getting my # and asking permission. I will let you both know if and when anything happens.

Take care, hope all is well with you LT!

K!

Still, Glad to hear you and (no ?)BF talking and working things out. If anything, we're probably more sensitive to possible betrayals because of our pasts, but as Karona said, it's important to realize that all men aren't like our X's.

Karona, I see you're thinking of abandoning me to be the only non-dating member of the Dating and Relationships board! Seriously, the teacher is being respectful and that's a good start! Hope he invites you out and you have a good time.

My update, which is a divorced/divorcing update, though I feel I've moved on from there emotionally, is I talked to my lawyer and H's lawyer says she hired an accountant, which is good news. Hopefully, our accountants can get together and work something out. My lawyer ran through his argument again to reassure me - and himself, I think - that I won't have to pay H spousal support!

LT~~ That is great news. Thanks for sharing.
I can't tell you the great feeling I got for you when I read this. This is very good news. And oh how I hope this man has his argument in order and you will never have to pay him SS. Please keep us posted. I really care about your situation.

It is good news for Still!

Oh, don't count me out just yet. I'm not going anywhere. I really feel like I've come a long way, and I plan on being very sensible with whatever could happen concerning this person.

You're in good company here, and your not alone in the non-dating world.

K!

LT- Hurray! I am praying that this will work out for you, you won't have to pay, and this divorce can be done!

Karona- I agree with LT. This teacher seems to be doing everything right. Go for it and have some fun! I can't remember, is he tall or short? Seriously though, I am 5'5" and BF is 6'3" there can be a thing as too much height too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

As for me, I have a question. I have already stated that my BF is what I consider controlling. Here is the latest. I talked to the teacher I work with who told me about the other woman stuff , told her that I believe BF and we are moving forward. I also told her that it was best if we keep my relationship with BF separate from my working/acquaintance relationship with her. She respected and accepted it. Now he says that isn't good enough and wants me to tell her that I no longer want anything to do with her and her lies. He says she will only hurt us. I honestly don't believe she did this to hurt us, but felt I deserved to know. Am I being unreasonable here or is he?

Thanks again for everything.

Take care and God bless!
K

Still, Did she actually lie to you or tell you what she knew? Would you have preferred she hadn't told you? Do you feel she acted as a friend or do you think she was trying to "hurt" you?

If you feel your BF is controlling now, do you think it will get better as time goes on, or worse? How would you have liked him to react to this situation?

I have to say your BF's reaction pushes my buttons as STBXH tried to cut me off from anyone who told me anything negative about him, things that later turned out to be true or that I now assume to be true. He'd trash the person who told me, call them liars, and then try to make me feel guilty and disloyal for listening to them.

Still,

I guess this brings to mind something you had mentioned some time ago with him. It was a friend's brother, that he no longer wanted you to be friends wit, jealousy maybe? don't remember the reason.

This does bother me a bit with him. That he seems to want to alienate you from your friends.

I think you need to be mindful of this and not let it slip away from you.
This trait in him concerns me. It's as if he wants you all to himself, and for you not to have any outside influence.

Keep those eyes wide open Still!

As far as the height, you know that's a big concern of mine.
I'm 5'8" and I seem to have trouble finding men taller.
I don't know how tall this guy is, BUT I did make a point of doing a little measuring when I met him by standing next to him at one point. I can tell you I had to look up a little!!! YIPPEE, a plus for him!!
Silly stuff I know. I think I was traumatized in junior high by being tall and the boys were still short. I haven't recovered yet!!

K!

Hello ladies. I've been checking in on this thread.
Please remind yourselves that since we know better (from MBing) that we need to make better choices for ourselves the next time around. If you have concerns, they need to be addressed.
Don't settle, we are all worth so much more.

And K, I'm 5'8" also. Can you send any extra tall guys east. Thanks.

Good to hear from you Newly!

You are very right, and I'm hoping to be wise this time around thanks to this site and the people here.

Fill us in with your life when you have a chance.

Karona

LT~

Just checking in to see if you've heard anything new in the last couple of days?

K!

Hey ladies-

Thanks for the input. I am very concerned about his request here. He says he is being protective, but I have told him he is being controlling.

Karona, you are right, he does seem to want me to himself. The person we are in disagreement with really isn't a close friend anyway, but that is not the point. The point is that what's next? I mean, what if it was a close friend? This is a huge red flag!

LT, you nailed it. My XH was the same way. People would tell me stuff and he would flip, say they were lying, try to alienate me. Through the separation and divorce I learned that he in fact was the liar. I can't let that happen again. In my first marriage I kept everything inside. I promised myself I would never get in that place again.

newly- Thanks for chiming in. You are right, we do deserve better!

As for do I think she told me the truth? My honest answer is that I think she did at first, but as time has gone on, and emotions/tempers factored in I believe she stretched it and filled in lapses with her own ideas of what went on. She is known for a flair for drama and gossip, so in my mind that is factoring against her. To make it worse, I tried to contact her XBF yesterday because his story is the one that has changed considerably and I wanted to speak with him directly. I left him three messages and he never called me.

And so are the days of my life!

As for the tall guys, if things keep playing out as they have been, I may have a tall one from WI I can send your way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'll keep you posted.

Take care and God bless!
K

Hey Still

"In my first marriage I kept everything inside. I promised myself I would never get in that place again"

Guilty too! I did the same. But, never again.

"To make it worse, I tried to contact her XBF yesterday because his story is the one that has changed considerably and I wanted to speak with him directly. I left him three messages and he never called me"

What's this all about? Why the dodging?? Hmm!
Do you mean, his story is STILL changing?

"As for the tall guys, if things keep playing out as they have been, I may have a tall one from WI I can send your way!"

You deserve honesty Still, a man that is honest. Hopefully he has been, if you find out otherwise, I hope you do send him packing!

Keep us up to date.
K!

Karona-

In my first marriage I was the poster child for secrecy. There were so many issues, most of them because of or at least elevated because of the alcoholism. I was so ashamed and didn't want anyone to know. He was verbally abusive and controlling and tried to make me believe things were normal and I had the problems. When he left and I was able to see things more clearly I realized I wasn't the crazy one and the more I shared the better I felt.

As for the other guy involved, from the start his story has changed repeatedly and he has either denied the changes or claimed he doesn't remember saying things. When I questioned my coworker about it she said he is really forgetful, but would never lie. I am not buying it. The refusal to talk to me just furthers my doubts.

Honestly, the only person in this mess who hasn't changed his story one bit is my boyfriend. Therefore, he believes we should "remove" the other two before they can do more harm. I say, what harm can they do as they have proven themselves if not to be lying at least to have some credibility issues.

Who knows. I am seeking the truth, but I am clueless how to get it.

Keep me posted on the dating!

Take care and God bless!

K

Hmm, okay, maybe I see where he is coming from, BUT, this is the guy that was with your bf the night this all happened right? So, they are friends? or just happened to be together that night?

As far as the couple are concerned, they seem to not be able to keep a story straight, and it seems they may cause you more grief than you need.
I think you were wise to put the friendship in perspective as you have done. Huge favor for yourself there!

No dating updates. I will tell you what it has done though. It has taken my thoughts away from xbf. This is a huge plus! I get so mad at myself for being stuck in the thoughts of him. The latest knowledge that this guy [who seems respectful] has shown interest in me, gives me something to look forward to, instead of back!

Hope your day is going well.
K!

I just re-read your first post in this thread and feel so ashamed. I have totally hijacked it! Sorry! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

As for my soap opera...

Yes, this is the same guy and yes they are/were friends until all this went down. This guy is also the XBF of my coworker and he is at the moment trying whatever he can do to remove the X from that title. The more it unfolds the more I am feeling like he has used it as a tool for him to come across as honest and noble in her eyes. You know, the perfect boyfriend, doing the right thing even when it goes against a friend, etc., etc. "I am not doing this to hurt anyone, I just want what is best for K." In addition to things he has claimed to have not said and said my BF said, he has also claimed I have said things that I haven't. I think he wanted to be the hero, told some lies, and now is trapped in a mess of his own making.

So yes, I am distancing myself from them in an effort to work through it.

As for you, I am soooooooooooooooo excited! You deserve only the best. I am so happy to see you moving forward. I hope it all goes well. It is nice to see that height isn't an issue either! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Seriously though, I have never had the problem, but can only imagine how past experiences have effected your present views.

Keep me posted.

Take care and God bless!
K

Still,
"I just re-read your first post in this thread and feel so ashamed. I have totally hijacked it! Sorry!"

I don't see it this way at all, and I'm almost sure that LetsTry won't either.

I didn't want to take over another thread to get up to date with LT, and that's what this one was about.

It's just about "life stuff" you know.
It doesn't have to be 1 topic. I like how the group has come together, and there's always room for more should anyone want to jump in!

So back to your story.
I can see how this could all very easily be going on. In that case, I would say your bf has validation for his feelings.
Isn't it funny [or not] though. That as adults, we still deal with the sh!! that we did when we were in HS. Only, it's magnified at this age because life is much more serious now.

I say, this x-couple needs to get themselves a new life, and stay out of yours!

Take care!
Karona

Thanks for the understanding Karona.

I have drafted this e-mail to my co-worker. What do you think?

" Dear CW:

The past week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. During it I have found out some secrets, some half truths, and some lies. Through it all I have tried to keep an open mind and have done a lot of talking to everyone involved, listening to everyone's stories. From this I have spent a lot of time on my own figuring out where the truth lies and what I want for myself.

Through all of it many stories have changed, but I have to be honest, with the exception of BF not telling me about the incident, his story has never deviated. Don't get me wrong, his actions and his not telling me about them in the first place are something I take very seriously, but I can't point fingers and further the blame based solely on them.

Just like you have chosen to believe your XBF I have chosen to believe my BF and am working on making a fresh start. What I need now is to focus on this fresh start without outside influence.

Because of everything that has transpired I need to limit our relationship to a working relationship. I will gladly discuss anything regarding school or students, but nothing more.

Thanks for your understanding.

K"

Any input?

Thanks!

Take care and God bless!
K

Hmmm,
Do you really feel the need to send the letter??

To me, it comes across as defending yourself, or your boyfriend.
If his story is true, and you are confident in it, I don't know that she deserves or needs to have an explanation from you.

However, if it makes you feel better to send it, by all means do so.

Maybe sit on it for a day. See how you feel tomorrow.

K!