An MB success story!!

Thank you nikko and stillhermakingit....I hadn't seen your replies. I do feel like a success!

I did get some strange information today.

It turns out that Dork has been married to OW, I guess I should call her his wife now (sucker!!) since July 7th.

Now, that doesn't come as such a surprise as I knew she was moving here in January when she gets out of the military.

What has me pi$$ed off is that he hasn't even told his kids that he's DATING her, let alone that he's been married for months!

He even told my youngest daughter, just a few days before I married Steve, that we would still be together if it wasn't for the fact I was going to marry Steve.

Now, every sane adult in this world with even a fraction of this story behind them could figure out that wasn't true, but to a little girl who will always wish her parents were together, that was just mean. It was meant to make problems with me and Steve and Erica.

And he was already married!! What a jerk!

I don't know. I feel angry for the kids... I can see him moving her in with little to no notice to the girls to prepare for it.

Steve asked me if I still have feelings for Dork because I am angry. No. I am struggling with the whole "he pulled one over on me" feeling though. And no matter what I am not going to like the fact that she is going to be my children's step mother and a part of my life in any small way until Dork cheats on her and they end up divorced.

I don't care about him, I care about HER being a part of my life. In a way, I am thankful (in a very sicked, twisted, weird way) that the events happened the way they did. Without the affair and the horrible way in which they both treated everyone involved, I probably wouldn't have left and would still be in that relationship trudging along believing I was living a life that was really only an illusion.

When I meet her for the first time, I probably will thank her.

She allowed my life to change in a way she can never imagine. For that I am thankful.

She has changed her life in a way she can not yet fathom too, but I can only feel that she deserves what is going to come to her in the coming years.

I don't know why I'm going on about this here. I've been thinking for a while about Steve's question to me, asking if I still have feelings for Dork. I knew my feelings about this weren't about him (except for the fact he hasn't even prepared the children!!) and when I realized they are about having her in my life, it disturbed me.

Why does this woman, one I actually pity, affect me like this?

The thought of her touching my children, tucking them in, comforting them.....AACCKK!!! It makes me sick.

Is this normal?

Maybe I should be on a different forum. I don't know.

Perfectly normal!!

After all, that woman was out to break up your family. Of course, now we can see that you have built a great life for yourself. But back then, that woman had no idea things would work out well for you and your children.

Truth be told, she will not likely be the one to comfort them, or tuck them in at night. She is young, and has no experince with children. She will see the kids as an intrusion on her time with her soon-to-be-wayward-husband. (Get it?!). She will not take your place for even one small moment.

My WxH never married his first OW. she dumped him. He got involved with another married W. He is now married to OW#2. We have known OW#2 for several years - she has kids the same age as mine who have been casual friends with my boys. The other day I overheard my boys talking and younger son said "Amanda was talking to Mary the other day" and older son replied "Mary? Which one? You mean Nicks mom?"
He did not call her "dads wife" or "step mom". he referred to her as Nicks mom (Nick being the child who is the same age as him)
It struck me as odd. This woman is married to their dad, has lived with him over a year, and yet they still only see her as "Nicks mom".

I no longer feel sick to my stomach thinking about her spending time with my boys. Whenever they spend time at their Dads house, they always come back appreciating me even more!!!

Faith -

Your reactions are completely normal. It has nothing to do with feelings for your ex. My WH (who I am sooooooooooooooo over) wants to move his OW into our home, if he gets it in the divorce. I have a house across the street. I told him in no uncertain words that this is UNACCEPTABLE to me.

I have no desire to look at her every day. Even though I am now happy I'm no longer married, the whole experience was very sad to me. It was the end of my life as I had known it, the end of some hopes and dreams.

As far as your kids being around OW (that is what she will remain), I can hardly wait. I helped raise 6 step-kids, and the marriage was not due to an affair. Trust me, it was not easy. It took me years to get close to them.

OW has no idea what a mess she has gotten herself into. Be sure to buy some popcorn, and sit back and watch the show.

womanoffaith5 and believer,

Thank you so much. I guess I needed to hear that.

In reality I know that things will be rocky with her and my kids.... I hate that fact too! Why should they have to deal with a woman who they KNOW their father had an affair with. That will make her road harder (which I'm not gonna shed any tears over) but it also makes it that much more painful on my kids (which I will shed a tear over).

I wish I could just be nonchalant about it though. I wish I could say, "Well, he married her. Fine."

I feel that would make it easier for Steve. I don't think he understands the reason I have feelings about this particular marriage. I wish I could reassure him it is about HER not Dork.

I can be thankful for the opportunity to be with him now. I can have no feelings about Dork.

But I can't stop the fact that it makes my skin crawl that it is HER and she will be around my children and me.

Oh well. You know what, I was reading Believer's thread earlier and I guess I need to put this in perspective.

We are finished with the custody hearing and my children will be living with us. (dang! and her for 5 weeks in the summer...YUCK!)

I'm healthy, have a job I like, family and friends and a love I could have only wished for before. I have a baby on the way that I never thought I'd have and it's my favorite time of year.

I've learned that I can't control other people, only myself and my own reactions.

So, while she may be coming into my life in a more prominent fixture (I won't say permenant because we all know better than that!) it is up to me to accept what I can not change. My children are going to need me more than ever as this sick situation plays itself out. That's what I can do.

I hope that creepy crawly feeling does eventually go away. (and I can't help but hope she does too).

In the meantime, I am going to try and focus on my darling husband, my children and our new family.

I really am a lucky woman. Perspective.

FIM

Look at it this way FIM....
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

You get a front row view of their destruction. Dork was a serial cheater -- its just a matter of time before it happens to her. Karma.

IMO Faith, it is unrealistic to imagine you have no feelings for dork. It doesn't mean that you want to be married to him, love him or even like him, but he is the father of your three beautiful children and I don't believe you switch off every emotion that that bond created.

I think it is bizarre that he married OW and kept it a secret. Wasn't it an issue in the custody battle? Can you imagine if he'd won how on earth would OW have coped. What a joke. (Not that he was EVER going to win).

The most important thing for you is to look to your very bright future with your new loving husband who sounds like he cares and needs you. Take care of each other. TT

Tucktummy,

I guess when I said I have no feelings I was specifically referring to feelings of a romantic or even friendly nature.

He is their father and therefore there will always be some tie. There is a history and I'm thankful for it because of our children and because I am frankly a better person for having been there.

As for his keeping this a secret.. I have a feeling it has a lot to do with the fact that is a slurpy, slimy, yucky, ucky thing.

I told EVERYONE I was marrying Steve. I obviously had my children get to know him. They were part of our wedding. I was proud of him and of us and shared that.

This is the woman he had an affair with. He's hardly going to go shout it from the rooftop. Sure, he'll slink down to Vegas, secretly marry her and call it romantic or whatever. It's not something to write home to mama about though.

In fact, he's STILL getting money from his family. Wanna bet he hasn't shared the fact he's married... especially to HER. I can guarantee he hasn't. So it doesn't surprise me that he kept it a secret. They still operate as if it's an affair because no matter what license they get it is still stinky and shameful.

Like I said before though, I do need to concentrate on what blessings I have. I have a husband and children who deserve my energy and time. That's where I'm gonna direct it!

Have a great weekend!

FIM

Karma. The great universal equalizer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

(((FIM)))) I just have to pop in and say HI. WOW! You give me such hope!

Dang!. Your story is so similar to mine and always was. It lifts me when things are truly awful. FIM, I am so happy for you and your H. AND YOUR KIDS. You deserve the best.

And yes Karma is a great equalizer. HE was totally shocked when I advised him I was filing for the big D 3 weeks ago. On grounds of adultery and naming Ditchpig as well. THis one is married, too. ICK GAG!. ANd his time with Ditchpig has been cut back to almost zero. BY him. Sheesh! Karma. btw my Dork is now telling me he wants nothing from me. Right now. But that things can change. Sound familiar? lol. As if crumbs will change the state of things. UH ya sure

And he hasn't seen DD more thatn 6 times this entire year. DORK DORK DORK.

BUt I won't threadjack anymore.

I guess those Margaritas willl have to wait some more, huh? Lol

I am in Plan B. Broken only becasue of the financial crap. And that is mostly taken care of so back to total darkness.

Email me if you like FIM.

I hardly get here anymore, but stopped by to check up on my old buddies...wow, FIM and MR FIM Congratulations....the best revenge is living well.

The Dork continues with lies and deceit, he cannot even be honest with what he is dong in his life now. I expect he will cheat on his OW child bride too, but I also suspect that she may cheat on him first. I am going to grab some popcorn, because his life is imploding on him, consequenses of actions.

FIM, only good karma for you. Congratulations.

I also expect OW to be pregnant shortly, Dork has an ego and needs to show you. That is if she can have kids.

Thank God you have a wonderful life. Mr FIM really got a good catch and he is smart enough to know it. Hugs.

Well

I know I am making a rather UNpopular comment FIM ...

but IMHO you rushed into this M with Steve (not saying your M is anything but wonderful and I am assuming he is a gem)

BUT

you know
and I know
that if one of your (someday) married adult children was getting a divorce

YOU as their Mom would advise waiting at least 2 years before re-marriage ....

let's be honest

you haven't fully grieved your loss
there just has not been enough time

and let's be honest ... your children need time to grieve too

so you can deny 'feelings of love' for Dork all you want ... and I believe you ... but your feelings of grieving the loss of that FAMILY are not all worked out

and I suspect Steve is smart enough and sensitive enough to realize that

but ... you married before you were divorced even a year .... just a few months ... and now what do you do with those residual feelings of grief? You can't very well share them with your new husband now, can you? THAT would be unseemly ...

I think you have boxed yourself in a tad .... and I strongly suggest you see an individual counselor so you can work out your grief NOT in front of your new husband!

to deny grief is to carry it longer

I've always been straight with you FIM ... you know that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

PS ... I married before I was finished grieving the loss of a previous 14 year ~relationship that did not involve children~

and

our early marriage years were VERY much adversely affected by my feelings of loss that I did NOT share with my Mr. Pep

so I am forwarding my regret about that to you ... so you do not make the same error that I made .... get that grief attended to ... it takes time and you need some assistance that should in all probablity NOT be your husband!

I too feel that the marriage happened very quickly, but then I thought about it, and really her Dork was gone several years ago. She had time without him, so I can understand, plus if you meet the right someone. Faith is such a good catch the Mr Steve stood no chance unless he acted quickly, kodos to him for knowing a gem. Yes quick, so caution, but hopefully with all you know here it will be helpful.

I worry about the 3 children. I think all of this may be a bit much for them, esp with the new baby on the way. Mr Steve, I hope you can step up to the plate for them. They need a rock to hold them together. They need to be protected from the evils of society. Watch out for preditors, OK I said it. I feel better, I do not think this is the case, but the kids are vulnerable. On a happier note....

OK enough of that, I know where pep is coming from because I am much older than many of you. I believe that FIM has learned enough to make this work. I keep my fingers and heart crossed. We love you and worry like any adoptive mother would. Hugs.

I wrote this quite a while ago (a few days after the last post!) and thought it had posted. I’m thankful I wrote it in Word! I really sat back and thought about what had been written, so thank you for making me think;)

Pep - You always have been straight with me and I have always appreciated that about you. I'm thankful to have the insight from you and new jersey and all the others here because it's what helps me to grow and look deeper.

First, you are right. We did rush into marriage. I would absolutely suggest to my own children to wait longer. There are quite a few reasons we married as quickly as we did including distance, the children and school and when I really sat down and thought about it I knew I was going to marry this man. Now or later, he was for us and we were for him. That's a pretty condensed version of all the talks with Steve, the kids, my family, his family, friends and mentors. I thought about it, prayed about it, thought about it some more. I read about stepfamilies, blended families, children's psych and everything I could get my hands on. Steve and I talked about it for hours on end, day after day. I talked with the kids as appropriate. I talked to people I know and trust that had gone through similar situations (one of whom is like a mother to me, a grandmother to my kids and who has been around for the last 11 years and knows me and the kids as if we were her own...she's my children’s daycare provider). I didn't walk into it lightly, but I admit that it came on fast for me, for Steve and for the kids.

As for the grief, thank you for sharing your experience with me. There is still some grief and I have shared that with Steve. He's very observant to my feelings and sometimes picks up on it before I realize what's going on. Then, I sit and think.

I've realized that it's not my marriage I grieve or even the family. I still have what I always did. The kids and me. We were the family. I realized a long time ago that my 'family' that I kept saying I was fighting for was an illusion and I grieved that for a long time while I was still married. Not too long ago I read back over my posts from August to February last year and sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas I realized that. I touched on that quite a bit in January and February through my writing. Dork had always separated himself from us whether by jobs that took him away or deployments or training. The core of our family was the kids and me.

Now, the grieving of the children is different. They don't (nor should they right now, if ever) realize the illusion. Their experience of our family and their dad's presence in it should be colored by a child’s innocence. They had lived without their dad for almost two years by the time he was forced to come back to the state, but they always felt he would be coming back and their family would be together. They will be grieving that for a long time. My parents hated each other with a passion, there was violence and frankly I disliked my dad a lot when I was a little girl, but I still didn't want them to divorce. I know the girls didn't want us to either. In the end, I do believe that the family and the illusion that we were living in was MUCH more unhealthy for the children. I believe that Dork would have continued to leave and have affairs leaving his daughters to use that model in their own lives later and his son to believe being a man was being like his dad.

Steve and I, with agreement by Dork, are putting the children into counseling. They have had a lot to deal with in the last two and a half years and they need someone they can talk to. They need to learn how to express and deal with their own grief and anger...I would have chosen to put them into counseling with or without my marriage to Steve. That is another issue for them to deal with though. Looking back, I certainly could have done things differently in regards to the children. Their grief and rebuilding is a top priority for our family right now.

Steve and I will be seeing that same counselor to find out how we can best help them through everything. What can we do as mom and as step dad to be there for them, what mistakes have we made, what do we replace it with? Those are things I struggle with. I'm hoping that Dork will take the opportunity to see the counselor too so we are all on the same page.

Steve and I are going to see the counselor together too to make sure we are protecting our relationship properly. Over sixty percent of second marriages with children involved fail. We won't be one of those. I feel we have a HUGE advantage with MB, but we want to also talk with someone who specializes in divorce, step families and blended families so that we are sure we are supporting the children AND our relationship at the same time.

My grief at the loss of the illusion has been very real though and I feel it more as the holidays approach. I spent Halloween without my children for the first time. I’ll spend Christmas and New Year’s without them this year. THAT is what I grieve for most. I was very proud of what I thought I was giving to my children with the ‘family’ we had. Again, I can see that it wasn’t what I was allowing myself to believe it was, but THEY still believed it was. This holiday season they are going to go from mom and Steve’s house to their dads. I believe that children are ultimately very resilient but I grieve the illusion I gave them because they felt grounded and secure in it.

I think this year will be the hardest on everyone since we are all, adults and children alike, creating new traditions and standards. Steve’s family has been amazing in that they have been active in making sure the children are included and feel that they are indeed family. Dork’s mom and brother are going to be visiting him over Christmas so the children will be able to be with more family too. Still, I worry about the kids and how they are taking everything in.

Well FIM, keep in mind that around 60% of 2nd marriages fail, with or without being a blended family.

My WH and I raised 8 blended kids together, and they were wonderful years. Our grown children are all still best friends.

When the kids were grown, he ran off with OW - 20 years younger. I don't think it had anything to do with raising kids. It had to do with my WH basically being an unhappy person.

Your holidays and traditions will change, but will be just as wonderful in their own way. Someday I will tell you about the Christmas where we invited the kid's moms for dinner. There was me, my WH, our kids, his ex-wife, and girlfriend. Sure, it was not the usual family Christmas, but I have fond memories of that day.

I have lots of faith in you and your husband.

Thanks, Believer, I have faith in us too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I had written that post about a week ago and I have come a long way about the holidays since then. We are creating some new traditions and I am really looking forward to it. I'm sure I'll still be sad when I wake up Christmas morning without my little ones, but I will be waking up next to Steve...and that is a blessing in and of itself.

I'm going to make the most of enjoying him and our time alone <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Now, for a bit of updated news.....

It turns out that Dork got married back in July. They kept to their original plan and snuck down to Vegas and got married. They didn't tell anyone.... not parents, not kids, not friends.

The kids and Dork had told me that the kids hadn't met OW yet, but it turns out she's been out here to visit 3 or 4 times (she was with them on Halloween).

Now, I knew she would probably still be moving here in January and I had accepted the fact she would be a part of my children's lives. What I DIDN'T expect was that they had my babies calling her.... MAMA C!!!!

Now, I have some personal names I can fill in for that 'C' part...... but really, it's the first letter of her first name. THAT is totally unacceptable to me. Mama anything is unacceptable to me. UGH!

The bigger problem for me in this whole thing though was that Dork had asked my children to lie to me and keep it a secret that they had met her. They didn't know he was married to her so they weren't keeping that a secret, but he had them specifically lie about ever meeting her.

It just makes me sick.

Now that it is all out in the open, I'm dealing much better with it. The girls like her and I'm glad they feel comfortable with her since she'll be living with them in a few months. She's a fun friend. She's 24, likes the same type of music as my 9 year old, has body piercings (that her and dork got together while they were dating)and they get to do fun things whenever she's in town. All of things are fine, I don't want anyone thinking I'm saying anything negative... it is simply different than mom. I've told my kids no way to body piercing or tatoos until their 18. They thought dad was pretty hip when he came home with one of each from his deployment though.

I worry about what will happen when she has to actually live the reality of being a step parent to three little kids. Even though the children will only be there every other weekend, half of the holidays and 6 weeks in the summer, I have a feeling that the resentment will build up quick when she realizes how much of Dorks money has to go to the kids for support. As far as I know she is planning on going to school full time so they will be living on one income.

Heck....that's all not my concern though. I just couldn't believe that Dork went into court trying to get the kids and tried to used my marriage to Steve as a tool to get them (it backfired big time on him, but still!). He was already married!

I was blown away that he would ask the kids to keep secrets. They were SO relieved when they found out that I knew it. They wanted to talk to me. They wanted to know it was okay. Keeping it secret made it THEIR shame and that is so wrong!! Now, they are doing much better. Remarkaly, our home life has gotten much better too.

Anyway, that's the update on that.

Thank you for your continued advice and support.

FIM

*sigh*

this is going to be hard on you ... D&C are not going to model the sort of values that you and Steve are going to model.

fasten your seat belt .... my guess is D&C are going to play fast and loose with any "rules" you set down for the children ... they are going to be the "cool" parents, no matter if it teaches the kids bad behaviors ... what a rotten shame

FIM ... you are one smart woman ... be as strong as ya gotta be

Thanks, Pep, we are trying to be smart about things.

Dork has been playing 'cool' parent since he came back in March. I think I had a long post (do I have any other kinds? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> )on it back in the spring.

He can't afford to pay his bills and still takes large sums of money from his family, but he takes the kids out to eat the majority of the nights he has them, it seems they've always got something new to wear and they go out to movies and entertainment all the time.

It's Disneyland Dad at its worst.

Then there are the temper tantrums that the girls tell me the baby (almost 2 now!) has consistently at his house that are ignored, allowed and eventually catered to, open ended bed times where the girls fall asleep on school nights in front of the t.v., etc.

**sigh**

Then there is our home. Dinner is home cooked nightly (well, there is a pizza night each week), bed time is before 8:30 and any temper tantrums by the baby are dealt with immediately (and magically, they stop after the first 24 hours he's back home). We shop for clothes when they're needed and spend a lot of time at home or with family and friends. If we do go out for entertainment, we make it something special because we don't do it all the time.

For an 11 and 9 year old girl, that's just not as much fun. We probably have been going to the opposite of what Dork does more than we normally would in fact to counter the 'entitlement' mentality that has grown in the girls. We finally have them not asking us anymore what their 'surprise' is every time they change houses. He's told them that he's so excited to see them and happy they are with him that he buys them a surprise each time. We don't. We won't.

As for morals or behavioural guidance....I very literally thank God that the kids will have more time with Steve and with me. My contined prayer is that the greater influence in their lives also comes from the two of us.

I'm preparing myself to not be as 'liked' by my kids over the next few years as much as their dad and OW. I prefer their respect as adults to their friendship as children.

FIM,

I hope you are documenting in detail all these parenting skills D& C (lol) demonstrate.

I have seen it before, on MB and in my own extended family. You will be back in court one of these days in the not too distant future regarding changes they demand in the parenting plan.

They will even accuse you of all the things they are doing wrong.

Count on it.

With prayers,