Longhorn,

Thank you for your concern. I'll see if I can find another way short of calling his shirt. She's not very fond of me, especially after I called her about him breaking AF (CC) NC.

Eagle...

Check your email...sorry I couldn't really get the goods for you, I really did try...

Mrs. Wondering <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I checked and replied. Thank you for trying, I really appreciate it. Thank you for your prayers as well, I need all the help I can get.

Hey, just ran across this looking for something else. I don't know if it'll help at all, but maybe.

http://www.militarysearch.org/

Thanks Longhorn, I'll check it out.

Chuck

Well, she was here this weekend, pretty much ignored me. Kissed me 3 times over 3 days. We discussed some problems, one major one was her weight, she was a chubby kid, finally got to her target weight. I was aware she was dieting and she had lost weight, but not how much. I hadn't seen her in 3 to 4 months and when I saw her over 4 Jul weekend, instead of saying you look great, I was shocked at how skinny she was and asked her if she was OK, if she was planning on losing any more weight. I was worried about anorexia/bulemia. She said she had reached her goal, I then said you look great, but I was worried. Too late she was extremely pissed, but didn't say anything then. A month and a half later the A started. My Bday is 1 Aug, I received a great card from her around 10 Aug, A started around 26 Aug.

She is coming home 27 Jan, last duty day is 26 Jan. The reason she is coming home to work on marriage is we cannot afford to D, house payments, car payments, credit cards, etc... Also as stated by her before she will work on Family for kids, I may see some progress between us as she continues to try for kids. Who knows.

She showed no emotion when I told her about OM having an assignment and having returned to his GF.

She does show signs of trying, but as soon as she is away from the family she starts the D talk again. Even the kids asked her "What's up with that? Every time we are away from you you start ranting and raving about D?" She had no answer for that, just I don't know.

She still refuses to acknowledge she is in control. Will not initiate anything. Always answers questions with whatever you want to do, which hurts the kids.

I guess I'm in for a long rollercoaster ride.

Comments and suggestions are gratefully accepted and requested.

Just talked to her. She has plenty of time to forward emails to friends, but can't answer an email from me. I asked why? No answer.

She's always telling me OM respects her for who she is, I had to raise the BS flag, I said you are a wife and mother first and foremost, obviously he didn't respect that or we wouldn't be in this mess. She said she didn't wnat to be my wife, she is a good mother, I said you haven't lived here for 4 years how do you know? Then I said so if I decide I don't want to be your husband it's OK for me to go out and do whatever I please? No! I then said in the bible it says when a man and woman marry two become one and she says that doesn't count because we are all individuals. Who knows?????

She says I have always held her down, never allowed her to have an opinion. I'm controlling and she's tired of that.

Found an email from another guy GI she doesn't think male friends are a problem. I have asked throughout our marriage that she not have these male friends without introducing me and I'd prefer they be married and we interact as a couple not independently. The email was signed by both me, not names or anything just me. Well I googled the guys name got his home phone and address and contacted his wife, she was upset, asked me to send the emails. I did, explained my sitch to her and she called WW. Hopefully this is over. When I confronted WW she was very defensive and stated that she would not give up her friends for me. I don't know what to say.

I also found her rings and necklaces on the sink this morning after DD told me about them. Called WW and asked about them and if she wanted them, No, but bring them tomorrow night when the family flies into OKC. I said if you say you want them I'll bring them, if not I won't. All she can say is please bring them, not I want you to bring them or I want them. She is constantly playng symantics with words.

She still says she wants D, but doesn't want to lose all we have built up over the years, is very mad about me contacting the emailers W as he is in Fl in training for Iraq and she is at their base in Ca. He goes to Iraq 23 Feb and WW was planning to send a care package. The W in Ca nixed that idea.

What do I do???

Help!!!

The kids and I are flying out tomorrow night to help WW with the movers and drive back to AL. She still says she wants D, but can't afford it, so is willing to come to Al to try working on Family for kids, M may see some side benefits, but not her primary concern. I ahve tried to get her to post here, but she feels MB principles are too elementary and won't work. She says I'm too controlling and judgemental. OM accepted her for who she is, I said first and foremost you are wife and mother, so obviously he didn't accept or respect that. Made her mad and she says that was a BIG LB.

I don't know what to do. The kids have about had it with her and think and have told her she has lost her mind and she is not the mother that they have always known and loved. They are angry that she is destroying the family and their lives.

Bump for some of the experts!

BUMP for the Pros I need advice

Eagle, I'd say your big chance is coming up. Once she's actually living in the home, a more effective Plan A can be applied.

Were you ever able to nail down whether the OM was actually ‘moving on’ as the 1/Sgt said?

Saying she can't afford to divorce is a strange thing for her to say. I was flat broke and got a divorce. It isn't THAT expensive to process the paperwork. Sounds like a way to justify her doing something she won't admit to herself she wants to do. Same with the talk about coming to work on the marriage 'for the kids' talk. They might be small rays of hope. I'll be optimistic as long as I can. My thoughts are with you.

Hi Eagles,

I am sorry for the turn in your sitch. Obviously your WW is still very much in the fog and there must have been contact with OM2 (?) and most likely OM1. This is not good.

However, since you will be with her shortly, I would not do anything drastic to alienate her. Be there for her when she comes, make sure that NC has been established on all fronts, and see what happens. My guess is once NC is really established she will slowly turn around. Unfortunately, putting up with crap from a WS is usually what a BS has to endure in the beginning of recovery (or as some might say, in the prelude to real recovery). Be vigilant and firm in your boundaries when she comes back. But at the same time, be the best husband you can be with as little LBs as possible. In short, be patient but alert.

Last, be sure to ask God for help and guidance. He is greater than your problems, you know.

Best

Longhorn,

Thank you for your encouragement. I need all the help I can get right now. I think she is finally getting into withdrawl and it's driving her even more nuts. The kids think she has completely lost her mind. I paln on PLAN Aing the h311 out of her, the kids are also primed and ready to help. They have had enough of her stuff and told her so, said if you force D from dad we don't care if we ever see you again. You will have finally completely destroyed our family and our lives.

I haven't been able to confirm the 1st Sgts comments about OM, but I think part of WWs issues right now are that she finally got the word about it from the shirt. She has acted strange since Tueday, first day back to work after this weekend here.

Affording the D is a problem for her as she doesn't want to lose our house in FL. I ahve told her I will fight for the kids with every penny I can find. She contacted a lawyer and told him it was for irreconcilable differences, lawyer found that strange after almost 18yrs of marriage. My lawyer says go for adultery, AL has very strict laws concerning adultery and it would be easy to get kids, CS, etc... She has no savings right now and after retirement will be looking for a job. Sooooo there will probably be a month or so of no income from her side except her retirement check.

UVA,

I don't believe there has been any contact with OM1, OM2's wife talked to her Wed night and I think that is over as well. I'm hoping that when she gets settled back into family life she will start to come around and out of fog and withdrawl. She fought NC letter up until last week, kept saying AF forced NC was enough, but she couldn't get OM out of her mind and I believe was still in the A metally. Now I believe she has finally been hit with the cold hard fact that OM1 has moved on, NC letter has been delivered, she says she has no choice but to come home and work on family for kids. We shall see.

Please keep sending the advice and encouragement, I really do need it as I am very controlling according to her (I used to be an Air Traffic Controller 6yrs at Edwards AFB, most complex AFB in the AF)

Thank you again for your advice and support. Everyone on this board is great and life savers!

Well she's been home for a week, all she's done is clean house and suck up to the kids, very little communication with me. We only talk about issues concerning the kids, finances or house. She offered SF once " If you want sex you better get it now as my period will be here this evening or tomorrow." I said no, the next day I initiated a nooner, not very satisfying, she cried after we were through and wouldn't talk. I don't know what to do. I've asked about MB principles, my boundaries, she says yes we will discuss tonight and each night she gets wrapped up in kids and TV and nothing happens.

Where to now???

Is she still in contact with the OM?

No no contact with the OM. She is just hard headed.

What is her plan, Eagle?

Right now she's waiting to see if she can make me blow up. Then who knows. I've given her another copy of my boundaries and asked her when she thinks she will start working on the marriage using MB principles. She says she has to re-read my boundaries and we will go from there. She hasn't worn her rings since Friday before new years and won't wear them until she is ready. All things we were doing before new years are not being done now. Don't know what all this means, but she is definitely avoiding conflict and R talk big time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Eagle,

She is very likely in withdrawal, and while she is she won't be worth shooting. She surely won't want nor will she work on the marriage. What you do is hang in there, treat the kids well, be civil to her, and let the withdrawal pains do their thing.

I am thinking it will be a month or so home before you see a glimpse of the W you had. If you are in a hurry you can always file and be done with her, but since that is not what you want, the Time and Patience, T&P, are the watch words.

God Bless,

JL