She should have been in withdrawl for over 4 mos, maybe I'm missing something here, but when we brought her home ater her retirement she has acted very much like a victim and martyr, and still does. For the record she is neither!

I have carried the burden of keeping this family together for almost 4 years while she finished her AF career. I have offered to quit my job and move to where she was her: "that would be financial suicide" , but having an A and seeing D as the only solution is not "Financial Suicide", treating me like some *** off the street is supposed to make me feel better?

Waiting 4 years, keeping everything familiar for her, trying to avoid just this type of situation, and this is the payback I get??? I have carried the burden of this marriage while she put career first, for 4 yrs. I have raised our 2 children alone during this time, moved from our home in Fl to Al due to job change, alone, bought her a house in OK, put 60K of my inheritance into it so she would be in a good neighborhood and safe. She is very mad that we have sold that house. I want my cash so if I need to pay a lawyer I can, if I need to fight for custody of my children I can and will win or die trying!

To answer you question "who's side am I on?" I am on my side and my children's side, definitely not a WWs side. I have taken more abuse from her than I ever did from my XW and she could give lessons to some of the meanest WSs.

I have been told by WWs 1st Sgt I needed to watch what I say because some words/statements can't be taken back, well what about WW, no one tells her anything except my MC who told her she needed to start SF, now she won't go talk to him because she see's it as a boys club or GOBN thing, not a healing thing even though she has read the same thing here and in her MB books.

She has wasted 4 mos doing things just for eyewash so she can say I've done it, so she can test me, so she can say "look, I've tried" but she can't apply what she's read or learned so we are back to square one. She's here, so is the couch, end table etc...

Sorry for this long rant, but I am very frustrated and ahve to stop before I really get Ramped Up.

Mel,

We did the En questionaires in early Nov. Discussed them with the MC, that was when the SF thing came up and all H*** broke loose.

Sounds like your taker is wanting out. This is dangerous to your marriage. I know how you feel though. When my WH was talking about coming back, I told him not to count on me when he missed OW - he got himself into the mess, he could get himself out. We are now getting divorced.

Chuck, believe me, I understand your GALL. I understand your fury at the injustice. You have every right to be angry. I just hope you are unloading your rage HERE instead of where it will cause you damage.

But what else can you do about it? Can you exact your pound of justice from her and have it benefit you and the children? No, you can't. Your justice will come from riding this out as patiently as possible and waiting for the inevitable WAKE UP of your W. And she WILL wake up, Chuck.

I suspect that her withdrawal really started when she left the Army base and was truly AWAY frm the OM. So, in practical terms, her withdrawal began when she came home. Like Harley says, it is IMPOSSIBLE to withdraw while still seeing an OP at work. As long as she still worked there, she held out hope of the affair resuming and never withdrew. Now she is home and has really begun withdrawal.

So, hang tight. Come here and vent to us because we know exactly how you feel. Just keep reminding yourself that justice comes NOT from acting on your anger, but in being patient, understanding and KIND. So try not to vomit, ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Eagle,

Remember and repeat this over and over. Education is for people that are NOT brain dead. Your W is still taking orders from the "Mother Ship". There is NO USE in trying to educate her about OM, his values, her values, her behavior, and surely not her performance in bed. She does NOT WANT to know anything and certainly NOTHING you know.

So zip the lip <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> and let the withdrawal continue. Eventually, there will be static between her and the Mothership and you will then have your chance. Until then, just be a good dad to your kids, be polite and caring, and expect NOTHING. It is very likely that if you do this you will get what you expect otherwise you won't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I put the smiley face on that last statement because I am laughing at you. I put it on because what I said was the truth and it seems so silly, but it is what it is, sigh.

So hang in there, don't discuss OM, you already know all you need to know about him, and her opinion of him is not relavent to your decisions. Her opinion will change.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Believer, Mel, and JL,

Thank you for your advice. I really did need to vent and this was it. I really am trying to keep my trap shut or as I've said in the past, I am trying real hard to "Shut My Pie Hole."

After considerable thought I believe that the main cause of my frustration is she is looking for a job, all job offers are 10:30 PM to 7:00 AM, with the promise of day jobs opening in 3 - 6 mos.

Well if she had truly been working on the family as she has said, I could probably be comfortable with the jobs working night shift. Since she hasn't tried to stay within the boundaries I've set, she hasn't had time to read them??? I am not in a comfortable place, all I can see for the near future is more excuses, especially if she is working a mid shift.

She worked a mid shift in OKC as a part time job, Fri & Sat nights, so any effort expected over the weekend was shot. During the week her girlfriend and job came 1st, shopping, making cookies for the clinic, working on a billboard christmas card for the base, going to craft fairs, etc...etc... So I do feel like the last 4 mos was a waste and any effort she put in was strictly so she could say "look what I've done, now quit talking about it, or I'm here aren't I?"

We were having SF and she said she was starting to enjoy it again, a little. Then the after Christmas/New Years I want a D because I have no feelings for you thing and we were back at D-Day. Cold as ice, although I do see some thawing, no reaching out from her, if I ask I get attitude. It just goes on and on.

I will definitely stifle my taker, keep my pie hole shut, and try to be more patient. I would just like to know what she's thinking, wants, anything, any info from her as to where we are where she sees us etc... would help.

Thank you agian for listening to my rambling vent.

Thank you again for all of your advice and help. All of you are a Godsend!

Mel, I am so glad you are back, I know this sounds funny, but I did miss your advice and 2 X 4s. Thank you!

Are you working? Doing separate shifts is not a good idea. I hope that she is not so deparate for a job that she will just take anything.

Yes I'm working, I'm a GOV contractor here in Huntsville, My company moved me here earlier in the year when my contract in FL expired and did not get renewed.

I work 7AM - 4PM, M - F.

Small world. I work for the government in contracting.

Okay - working a different shift would not be good right now. Even in strong marriages, different work hours cause a lot of havoc.

My thoughts exactly.

She is having to face a lot of life changes right now, getting out and retiring, working on her marriage. I'm sure it is very difficult for her.

But I would try to talk to her about working the same hours. There must be other jobs with better hours.

There are, but none as an X-Ray tech, she would have to take something she may not be experienced in. Something that would pay a lot less. I told her she didn't have to work after we sell the house in OKC, but she says she has to and only wants to work in her chosen profession. I can't fault her for that, but would be more comfortable if she had actually worked at M for the last 4 mos as she said rather than doing the eyewash thing.

If we were starting recovery, or I felt safe, or even if she would wear her rings (the very least she could do) I might feel more comfortable about it, but, alas, I don't get a vote, haven't since she started this whole mess. AND she still doesn't feel like she's in control. I couldn't help it last time she said this, and both being AF retired, I had to say "so if you are not in control, and obviously I'm not in control, otherwise we wouldn't be in this mess, then I must assume that we are all thrust and no vector!" i.e....someone is mashing the gas pedal or firewalled the throttle, but noone has the steering wheel or is holding the stick. Totally out of control!

Has she looked into a job with the Federal government? X-ray techs are in high demand. You can check the web sites, and they are looking for them all over the country and world. I don't know if the pay is high enough for her, but the benefits are good.

Checkout usajobs and donhr.navy.mil.

The nice thing about the Navy site is you can put your resume on-line and forget about it. They will contact her.

She has registered with USAJOBS, but Redstone Arsenal is the only place close.

Apparently the way things work here and, from what I gather, at most hospitals is they move personnel around from within and then hire for the least desireable hours.

Now, having said that, again I don't know for sure only what I've seen, heard from HR folks, and what WW has told me, I am uncomfortable with the job situation based on where we are in trying to get her to commit to rebuilding our marriage and family, or even work on it a little. She is rereading SAA as I feel she didn't get anything out of it the first time, if she did then she is refusing to practice what she has read.

Some days it seems to take a Herculean effort to make even the tiniest step forward. She is showing signs of progress, but, and this is a very important but, only if we do not discuss the M, her A, or family, only day to day stuff, things about the kids etc... nothing really important can be discussed. Whenever I bring up the M or her A I get attitude, anger, she shuts down and walks away. She absolutely will not discuss anything, when I try, get frustrated, restate the facts, it's like Hiroshima, mushroom clouds over Chuck and she leaves the room, if we are in bed she gets up and goes into the LR to watch TV and we are back at day 1. She avoids conflict like I've never seen.

I was hoping we would be a little farther along than we are. I certainly didn't think her return home would be a setback to D-Day. But that is where we are, maybe a few days past D-Day, but not very far past. I also know if she reads this she will be upset, but sorry it's how I feel. It is my take on where we are.

I am very optimistic we can make it, but I just don't know if I have the patience anymore. My MC/IC told me, based on what I've said, he feels like she is trying to wait me out, that if she waits long enough she will wear me down to the point I will file and she will get her way. I have told her over and over "I don't do divorce, I only do MB!" I have also told her that if things get too crappy I will just leave and never look back, still no D, but no BH either. Also she won't know I'm gone until it is way too late as when I walk I will not return under any circumstances.. Same thing holds true for her, if she walks out it will be truly over, I will never want to see or hear from her again, absolute darkness, never a chance for recovery or reconciliation. She knows this to be true as that is how it is with my XW and DD21, I made efforts to remain in contact for many years, never got a return call, email, letter or card, so now it is truly as if they never existed, I will never see or talk to them again.

So this is where we are, I am hoping we have a road forward to recovery and I really can't tell you what she is hoping for because I really don't know and she won't say.

The navy job site is a better one, but if there is no Navy Hospital near you, it won't help. I look for jobs all of the time, and they always need X-ray techs all over the world. There seems to be a shortage.

As far as the rest, I still think she is very new in this, and is going through a lot of changes. I would just try to enjoy each other, and not talk about relationship for awhile.

Eagle,

The answer to this is simple. Don't talk to her about the M or the A. She is in withdrawal and talking about these things is like pouring gasoline on a fire. Step away, put the matches down <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, place the gas can a long way away from the matches and keep your hands where YOU can see them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, let her heal, and show her how the household can be, let her glimpse the vision of the marriage that you have.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL, just what i needed to hear. Are you old enough to remember the guys who walked around with their hands in their pockets, leaned way back, and taking very large steps? Truckin' dudes??? Used to be me, from SoCal.

Seriously, I haven't been talking anything for over a week, I just can't take the flash bangs in the face anymore. Sooooooo I'm trying to stay cool, working at guy stuff around the house as well as domestic stuff. I had to vent here the other day or I would've vented to her. Sorry about that, to you, believer, and Mel. I just had to get that poison out of my system.

I just hope I can make it through spring as there is a possibility I can move back to FL, into our old house, making more money with the same company. I talked to her about it and all she said was the kids would love to go back to FL.

Thank you again.

When you are going crazy, come here and vent. We won't mind the pound of liver stuff, but I doubt your wife will find it amusing.

Where are you in AL? My bro is a surgeon, ortho in AL. There are nice places to live and a great hospital near them in Florence. Florence, Muscle Shoals is great place! My sister loves it there.

Incidentally my sis is opening a dress shop in your present city in a few weeks.

If your ww is medical, there are many growing opps in Florence/Muscle Shoals area.

She didn't, said it ot her a couple of months ago. Being Mil she has heard it before, but never applied to her.

I should have heeded the warning on the label: "Do Not Try This at Home, We are Trained Professionals. We are not responsible for your injuries. Your results may vary based on you speaking habits and the feelings and mood of the recipient."