Eagle?

She asked for it, then went silent and said a few things that make me think she's not sure, I'm having papers drawn up and held, they will be dropped if and when necessary, but only then. This is not an attempt to do anything but CYA. Ducks in a row etc...

The plan was and still is MB, just right now we are apparently on hiatus as everytime I think about R or M she slays me, don't have to speak, just think.

This weekend she got into it with DD saying DD is disrespecting her just like me. I ask how so, DD won't do anything she tells her. I said Oh and had DD take care of business, asked FWW to be a little more even handed with DD vs DS, see you still disresp me. Fog? Babble? I'm afraid to even post that here. Soo I'm in limbo keeping my eyes open and when the fog clears maybe she will help with MB, until then all I can do is try to be the best me I can.

I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a room with 1 foot nailed to the floor and going around in circles. Part of me wants to drop a nuke on the sitch and get it over, but part says make it right for me, W and kids, that's the part I'm listening to right now and have been.

It is very frustrating when I get beat up by FWW, then by some here (not U BTW, but others) for speaking my mind and or posting my heartfelt thoughts, tact and diplomacy are not my strong suit, I am not PC, but when I speak it is from the heart and I will follow thru.

Understand that I have to protect my end here, so far she hasn't tried to show anything concrete except her desire for D. I told her I don't do D, but she is wearing me down and if it comes to D well it will be one he11 of a fight. My kids said this weekend they do not want anything to do with W if there is a D, they want to live with me and not visit W ever as she has destroyed their lives and family. DS has told her he doesn't want to be a D Kid. No visible feelings about that from her sooo what do I do???

I started working on a plan, a couple of posters go balistic about a written military type plan, OK tehn wing it and go down in flames? Sit back and wait for fog to clear? Do the revenge A thing? I have been trying to be still and quiet, we had a pretty good weekend, but I still have to CYA.

Ideas? Advice? Please help!

Eagle,

U must be a BS because BS' never do anything right in the eyes of a WS. LOL!! Get it? A bit of MB humor here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Ok, you make your plans for you. All the more reason to keep your children about you so that when the WS lashes out, you can all cover for each other.

I went the D route, checked out my options.....however, I did not let the WS know I was doing this..... the D was to happen on my terms and in my time, not the WS' terms and time. That's the key......you don't do what the WS tells u t/d. You do what you need WHEN u need t/d it.

L.

Well, IMHO, it doesn't matter if you write out your plan or not...nor do I truly feel that you have to share it with anyone at this point if you're not ready to.

From my perspective, I don't care if you have it written down as a complete OPORD or FRAGO...or if it's all in your mind. I simpy feel that you have to GET a plan, and stick to it. Right now, you're flailing around simply lashing out because you don't have a plan.

Get a plan...it will help you get your feet back under you and get you moving in the right direction.

Again, quit focusing on how she makes you feel, on how she's acting, what she's doing, etc... GET TO A COUNSELOR THAT YOU BOTH CAN WORK WITH...this is critical in my eyes.!!!!

Work on what YOU can fix...and actually LISTEN to her when you can get her to respond to things so that you can clearly understand what areas she feels you can improve.

Bluntly, I would give her the same advice. I still think that the two of you need to re-learn a LOT on how to deal with each other. You're both so ingrained in BAD HABITS that you simply don't even understand what it is you're doing wrong.

You repeatedly 'defend' your method of talking bluntly, etc... STOP IT!

I'm ex-Army...NCO for many years. I too am a BLUF (bottom line up front) kind of guy. But, while I may be blunt (LOL...for example, look at all of my posts to you and your wife!), I do not attack when I talk. I don't retaliate verbally, I try to be very thoughtful about how what I say will be taken. You need to learn to do this and apply that...STARTING RIGHT NOW.

And your wife needs to do the same thing. It's so frustrating trying to advise the two of you when it looks to us like all you're truly interested in doing is getting the last, most hurtful word in.

So...STOP attacking each other, no matter what the other person says or does.

ACTIVELY take measures to find a good MC that you BOTH can use to improve your marriage.

WORK on finding that FRIEND you used to have in your spouse...and work on becoming their friend again as well.

THESE are the baby steps I think the two of you need to start with.

Quit ALL talk or action pertaining to divorce...unless that's what you want to do. Again...working on divorce will destroy your effort to reconcile...and vice versa.

Just my thoughts.

Wouldn't a good plan be the Harley's Plan A? Just a thought.

Plan A is for negotiating an END to the affair. The affair is over.

Yup it would and I'm still trying, but as you already know you can't make deposits unles W allows it, so far the bank is closed. If you know how to open it I'm open to suggestions.

Mel,

I guess I'm back to just working on me then.

Owl, believer, others,

I have taken your advice, cancelled Attorney appt, asked tempest to delete my thread in D/D and changed my sig. I am trying to follow MB plan no AO, DJ or anything else that would be considered an LB. I have offered an "Olive branch" yet again and was told I am still not showing respect because I don't want to go out all the time, I don't want to meet her new male friends, etc...

So what should I expect now?

I will continue to work on me, take care of the kids and live my life. I will ask her to join me if I do go out, yes or no I will go anyway.

Life goes on and I guess I have to take things at her pace, baby steps and day by day. Crappy way to live, no plans for future, just see what each day brings, hope for best expect worst, anything better makes it a wonderful day?

Working on saving and rebuilding a stronger marriage. I need to get her on board, but nothing works. Any advice on how to do that? I want the nuclear option, no more of this baby step ******! I want the real deal, timelines, milestones etc...

GBH,

Pack sand!

believer,

Pack Sand!

This is a war to recover my M you are either with me or against me. No more BS!

Making the choice on what your goal is was your first step. You can't do anything without knowing what you want to do first.

Here's the problem tho. There is NO nuclear option. Your marriage has/had flaws and problems for years...just like the rest of ours. And it's going to take time to repair all of that damage...to include what led up to her A, the damage from the A, and all of the fallout since. We've discussed a few of the things that you both need to change in order to have a better marriage...communication, compromise, etc... You need to get into an effective MC program (THAT BOTH OF YOU CAN SUPPORT) to start on that.

No one can give you timelines/milestones/etc...and it's pretty unrealistic to expect that any of us could. Even your MC (whomever you end up with) won't/can't give you that kind of answer...it doesn't work that way. It's dependent on you and your wife more than anything else. If you want a good marriage with your wife...be prepared to roll up your sleeves and do some HARD, LONG work.

Quit trying for the quick fixes...settle for the little victories, and pay attention to your progress over time. Start with the things I've recommended to you...quit pressuring her to just suddenly let go of everything and be happy again...too much baggage for that to happen out of the blue. Fix your friendship with her first. This does NOT mean that you both should start acting like you're not married...just reduce the pressure on the the things that are too hard to manage right now. Focus on what you CAN improve right now, and work on a game plan to deal with those things that are out of your scope at the moment.

Again, this does not mean that you should condone anything that is contrary to rebuilding your marriage. It means that you've got time to fix this...so pace yourself.

I know this isn't the answer that you want to hear...but it's the only answer I've got.

How long it takes is up to the BOTH of you...you need to find out what's most effective in helping HER too, not just yourself.

So, you want to get started? Go get some recommendations for good MC's in your area, and have a list to sit down with your W and review tonite. And if she says she doesn't care, ask her what her preferences are...male, female, older, younger, etc... and do your best to meet what criteria you both can agree on. Call them in the morning and get this moving.

You two are already doing the 15 hours a week. GREAT...so keep it fun, and totally off-limits for R/A/M talk. Make it FUN...make it something you both look forward to! Ask your W what she would like to do...compromise where you can.

Go look at a book that I truly credit with helping to save my marriage..."20 (Surprisingly Simple) Rules and Tools For a Great Marriage!" by Dr Steve Stephens. My wife and I read a chapter a night...they're short. See if you can get her to agree to that.

Schedule time to talk about the A/R/M...outside of your 15 hours. STICK TO THE SCHEDULE. Keep it short, do NOT let either person run over. And...DROP the discussion when time is up...pick up where you left off when you come back. Keep a journal of what's discussed then so you can do so.

I've given you the 'baby steps' here and in my other posts...now it's up to you. I know you don't want to accept that it's going to take time to do this...but the sooner you do so, the sooner you'll be moving forward.

Owl,

Thanks, I will post updates as they occur.

Huh... her ein the frozen north they tell us to pound sand, not pack it. Regional differences I guess.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Fine Eagle, you win. Go ahead and deploy your nuke bomb - continue to dictate what she is allowed to do when regarding housework, unpacking boxes, reading, posting here; keep comparing her to a pound of liver; go ahead with your battle plan. I sincerely wish you the best of luck because you're gonna need it.

Aside from my sarcasm, I think Owl offered excellent advice above regarding timing and baby steps. It would be great if you can muster up the patience to make that work.

Eagle,

I am a newbie here and have no real advice to offer. However, I feel your pain. Just wanted to post this to say you are not alone.

My WW accused me of not noticing the small things she has been doing last night. It seems both you and I want huge "big picture" changes. I think this is related to "lead, follow or get out of my way" thinking. Military people are typically doers, not thinkers.

LA keeps wacking me a 2x4 over the LBs that I create. I cannot just sit and wait for something to happen. It is very hard for me to stand by and let my W destroy our M. But I cannot control her. It hurts but I guess that it has to be slow and we have to very GODLIKE in our patience.

C-

Post deleted by Eagle15

Eagle-

I know that the last post wasn't aimed at me, but I did want to point out to you (again) that there IS NO QUICK FIX.

Even divorce isn't quick.

I'm sorry that you don't have a choice in the matter, but it's flat out reality that dictates that this is NOT going to be over soon.

Even if she decided to work on the marriage tomorrow...if she did a complete turn around...it's going to take you both MONTHS to deal with this. It normally takes AT LEAST 2 years to 'recover' from an affair...under the best of circumstances. You need to resign yourself to this...you can't change it.

The ONLY thing you can change in this whole situation is yourself.

Owl,

You are correct, I feel like I was baited and have deleted post. It was not aimed anywhere near you.

Please stick with me here.

G2KT,

Thanks, if I can help you please let me know. Take out all sarcasm and evil things and I may have some good info in there somewhere, otherwise listen to Owl, Longhorn, Melodylane, faithful follower and a ton of others . This is the place to be if you need help, but hsow a littl;e more patience than I ahve lately.

GBH, the advice Owl is offering is what I'm taking, I have vented frustration, gotta vent somewhere. Most BSs would love a nuclear option to end an A, I know there is no such option if you want to work M. So what is you plan road map etc... to help me with recovery??? Other than busting my stones you haven't given much advice other than to say Owl gives good advice, which he does by the way and I'm trying to follow albeit with some difficulty due to my desire to get this over with, so do you have anything to offer???

I am waiting!

In the mean time I will be [color:"blue"]trying my best to follow Owl's lead and advice.[/color]

Owl,

BTW FWW is working days right now, orientation, and hasn't posted or read since Fri, should be back on soon, I don't know when and won't push the issue, it's hers to decide. She should be back by weekend though she doen't like to post on weekends(guessing).