G2KT,

Thanks I needed to hear that.

How are ya today??

If I make it through tonight, we will have had two good days in a row. That will be a record since the $hit hit the fan on Feb 5. I have actually accomplished something at work today...also a first for the last few weeks.

Keep the faith. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

C-

You too! Good Luck and Take Care!

R u still wondering about these questions?

IMHO, the reason is because she is still a WS.

WS' don't want to help the BS by telling them anything helpful. Instead the WS enjoy seeing the BS in pain. Don't give her that satisfaction. Your W doesn't like to see you in pain so when she babbles pain and suffering your way....you know u r dealing with a WS, so move th other way.

L.

Hi Orchid,

Yes

You are probably right, Still in WS mode and FOG, NC still good as far as I know.

Yup you are right. Thank you and I will continue.

I really appreciate you help Orchid, you have great insight are very helpful to us and I hope you continue to post to me and to my W on her thread.

Thank you

Eagle-

So has your wife quit posting here?

I can't say that I would be surprised...you've done a masterful job of discouraging her from doing so. I was hoping that she'd continue to consider the advice I'd been giving the two of you.

If she does return, please consider blocking each other's threads as a poster suggested in her thread. If you continue in attacking her here, there is no way she'll ever come back for advice.

She hasn't read or posted for a couple of days. She is working days and spends evenings with DD & DS. As far as I know she will continue to post as she can.

Not a problem, I will take advise and apply as best I can. I would appreciate it if both sides were viewed before judgement was passed.

Tell me what I've not viewed. I've seen her posts on your threads, and yours on hers. I've actively discouraged both of you from attacking each other repeatedly.

I'm telling you what I know as a BS. That by taking every single thing that is said and done as an attack on you and responding in kind will do NOTHING to heal your marriage. It will only continue to maintain a wedge between the two of you.

Look...I'm an "attack the problem, not the person" kinda guy. My wife is the exact opposite. When angry/hurt, she goes for blood. Often my INITIAL response is something similar...but I almost never give in to it...instead I work on fixing the PROBLEM...not trying to hurt her if we're fighting. Even when she is at her worst, I'm working to solve the issue. Because ONE of us has to be that way, or we just can't get through the problems.

Many of your comments are spiteful, angry, vengeful...aimed at doing NOTHING positive. And even the ones that you may intend as being positive come across differently due to the way that you phrase or the method you use to communicate them. This is one of the KEY areas that the two of you need to work on via an MC.

I really do mean this...if you both continue to act as you are, without either of you actually trying to break this cycle, I don't give you high odds of reconciling.

And I do see a very similar tendency in your wife...and bluntly, have called her on it when I've seen it happen as well.

Last thing...you have GOT to reconcile YOURSELF with the fact that things are NOT going to get better overnight in your marriage. Not even this week. Or next week. But, it CAN happen OVER A PERIOD OF TIME...if you WORK for it. No 'nuclear fixes'...if you can't get past that, you're just setting your marriage up for failure.

So...on those 'baby steps' I keep going on about...status on getting a new MC? Have you and the wife done anything fun...just the two of you...in the last week? Not even something romantic...just fun. Think of it as dating when you were a teen again. Just go to a funny movie...go shopping...go to one of those ceramic cafe thingies...go do something where you can laugh and joke with each other without once talking/bringing up anything to do with the R/M/A. Rebuild the fun friendship between you first. Starting NOW!

Owl,

Sat night went to drag races, both of us had a great time, She said she had fun and enjoyed it, it was her idea, she passed up on steak and lobster for chili chees fries and bottled water. Not a judgement just what came about, we had steak and lobster Sun night w kids, it was good as well, had a good time.

Nothing romantic in months, not a problem anymore. I really don't think she is where we can joke about anything yet, I've tried and been shot down. Believe me jokes were not related to R, M, or A, just generic stuff, so I'll have to wait. I am trying and being as neutral as I can right now until she says or shows she is ready to talk, laugh, and joke. We went shopping, spent over 2K Sat. It was OK, got stuff we needed and kids wanted, had a pretty good time. I just don't understand why if comm is her #1 EN, why she won't comm. So I'm throttling back and waiting and watching. Obviously nothing else works, duh, I think finally got it.

I have an appt w Jennifer thurs 8PM, to my knowledge she hasn't contacted an IC or MC. She says she doesn't have the time at work and they are all closed after she gets home. I asked if she would like to talk to Jennifer, she said we'll see.

I mentioned her responses to my attempts at comm Sat on the way to lunch. I was trying to engage her about some brochures she had. Got my head bitten off and handed to me, I said wow, I was just trying to start a small conversation, she turned away so it ended. It goes like this all the time.

I am now on her timeline, calm, and trying to control myself. I find that if my GASF is low I'm a lot calmer so I'm trying to keep it low.

Actually, this sounds right on track. Now just give that some time to sink in. As long as NC is in place, and you're both actually working to spend this time together and keep it light, I really do feel this is your best bet to move forward at this point.

Remember what I said about scheduling that time to talk about R/A/M. At the same time, set some rules and format for that discussion as well. Simple courtesy things...and ensure that BOTH of you AGREE to them.

1. No yelling.
2. No interrupting...no matter how much you might disagree with what's being said, let that person finish talking BEFORE you voice an opinion.
3. No personal attacks. Saying how an ACTION makes you feel is one thing...saying how the other person makes you feel is ANOTHER. Get the picture?
4. Discussion starts at xx time, and ends at yy time. A journal will be kept to show what was discussed last. If a subject is not finished at the end of the last session, write it down and start with that at the next session.

I really think that this is something that would improve your communication around the ISSUES. And it allows you to leave the REST of your time open to just being a family/married couple again.

Hope this helps. It sounds to me like you spent this last weekend doing the right kind of things.

2. No interrupting...no matter how much you might disagree with what's being said, let that person finish talking BEFORE you voice an opinion.

This one will be hardest for both, but I'm trying hard and getting a little better.

Good Job Owl!!!

Eagle, this makes a heck of a lot of sense to me.

C-

LOL...you guys have no idea how scarey it is that anything I'M suggesting makes sense!!!

Heck...you'd figure that with all of this 'advice' I give, I would never have ended up on this forum in the first place, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Glad you're here though!

Had a good appt w/Jennifer. Worked ouut a good plan. Covered a lot of info. provided good ideas, just have to implement. Away we go.

Keep trying, man. This crap is tough. Let us know how it works out.

C-

Glad to hear that, Eagle!

It's not easy, but it DOES get better. Following a plan is the best medicine for this that I can think of...flailing around like a man in quicksand is the worst possible action.

Take it slow, and stick to your plan. I'm curious how her plan matched up with any of my advice?

Pretty doggone close Owl. Different way of saying it but pretty doggone close.

W asked me this morning if Jennifer wanted to talk to her last night I said yes, but you had left. She had said when she left come get her if Jennifer wanted to talk to her, I didn't hear that as Jennifer was talking so I missed an opportunity.

She did ask if I was going to call again yes next Wed @ 8PM would she like to talk, not sure what she thought but she was asking about cost, I said $XXX.XX per hour whether you talk I talk or both talk. Jennifer did want to talk to you to get ideas to help me get straight. She said Oh, we'll see.

IC went well last night, recommended taking a break, do not argue, excuse myself and walk away. This will be very hard for me to do as I have never walked away from confrontation or challenge, but I will do it. It is the only way. Roll with the punches and let everything roll off like water on a ducks back.

Eagle-

Walking away ISN'T a natural response to a fight for most of us. But it IS VERY effective in dealing with a situation where one or more of the participants are unable to control their temper.

I use this tactic as well...and it does NOT hurt to admit to your spouse that the reason you're walking away is so that YOU can calm down and talk about this reasonably once you're able to do so.

Sounds like great advice to me!