Eagle-

So did you ask her who she called on Aug 17th? Tell her that you KNOW she called someone in that area on that morning...and that you aren't going to accept a "I don't remember" answer.

She KNOWS how huge this is to you and your marriage, so there's no way she "doesn't remember" a call she placed that recently.

Tell her you know she called someone then on her ATT card...so she needs to talk to you about what's going on.

My thoughts anyway.

Yup, she said BGF she thought. Will work to get to teh bottom of this. I feel the same way about "I don't remember." Not wanting to start WWII though. Trying to exercise patience.

Eagle,

How about she work to get to whatever you need? You crave O&H...BE O&H..."I really need help right now. I'm feeling a lot of pain and fear and I'm spiraling, because I cannot know if there was contact on 8/17 or not. I need your help."

See, you're doing great with those "I" statements. They include asking for what you need...and letting go the response...ask, anyway.

Acquiescence? (having a bad spell day) instead of patience? Admitting your dependency on her...her choices, actions, truthfulness or not...leave room for her to come to you, too...building trust is taking steps towards each other. Right now, you can't move. Reasonable to me why. She can.

Move yourself out of her way...and breathe...how does that sound? A lot like patience, huh?

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LA

LA,

I would love to work together or let her work towards H&O, and maybe that is what she is doing very slowly.

Last night after we got home I talked to her. I said I need you to know that I appreciate all the things you are doing here, for me and for the kids. I stll need something and I am not getting it, Honesty and openess. I found a calling card a couple of weeks ago, that made me feel weak, worthless, like I was being used an manipulated and I don't like that it also makes me feel very sad. Now that doesn't change anything about what youa are doing, just destroys trust and we can't and I won't continue this way. You will ahve to leave if you can't be honest, open, and transparent.

There is an expected level of knowledge for a 39 soon to be 40 year old woman, honesty is something any 40 year old woman should know. The example you are setting for the kids is not making it. I will not raise our kids to think lying to each other is a good thing. You are amking choices, not choices I would make but your choices. I am hurt by these choices and I feel my pain is being ignored, I do not like that.

Well didn't get much of a response, I'll try and hmmmmm OK. Soooooooooooo Patience aiq... I can't spell it either.

Thank you LA and OWL

Update,

She is feeling better, over cold, D-Day anniversary is Sat, her B-Day is Sun. No response on card yet. Still being patient.

So, did you destroy the calling card or give it away?

In your previous post of what you said to her...can you see anything you said as a signal to yourself?

How are you feeling? The key to patience is acceptance...how are you doing with acceptance?

LA

Eagle,


Remember I'm not the most "MB correct" around here. But here's my thought.

You KNOW that she's been untruthful with you...or at least dodging the issue. You know full well that she knows what she did, and she's just biding her time, hoping that you're going to let this go.

I say confront now.

She's hoping you'll forget about it and drop it. I don't think you should. I think you need to tell her that you held off on discussing this until she felt better, but now that she IS doing better it's time to discuss, get answers, and figure out what to do from here. Tell her you're not buying the "I don't remember" line...you know that she's a smart lady with a good memory and that she knows, but she's not wanting to discuss it. But it needs to be out in the open and dealt with...and you'll accept nothing less than that.

Just my thoughts.

LA,

I believe I've just lost the card. She says she diesn't have it.

Yes I see what I've said and I do know what it means. I am no longer afraid of losing her, you can't lose what you've already lost.

We did have a long discussion last night. Covered a few things, one was my fears or lack of fears (thank you) I told her I no longer fear losing her, I don't want to, but am no afraid to.

Talked with DD last night, she is convinced FWW is faking, just doing things so I will not be upset. The kids have lost all respect for FWW.

FWW said she was going to talk to em about things last night, but I started first then she clammed up. Sounds like BS to me,but we shall see, I said we could talk tonight, who knows.

I'm feeling good, have accepted this as my fate and am continuing to grow and move forward. I'm doing better at work, still in a precarious position, but re-earning back my rep.

Hope all is well with you. Thank you for all of your help.

Owl,

I confronted last night I beleive I got the truth. I ket her know that all the SF, intimacy, affection, ILYs help alot, but with H & O and transparency we can't move forward and I can't heal as long as she continues to play this game of pushing boundaries for S & G's.

We shall see what happens over the next few days.

Thank you for helping us through this. As always I appreciate you and LA's sage advice.

Thursday got the whole story. Good discussion, asked some questions got answers some a little grudgingly but answers that I believe are honest.

Survived D-Day anniversary and her B-Day. Went to dinner gave her a couple of gifts and a card. She was very appreciative. All went well I believe. Things seem a little calmer around here looks like fog is finally lifting.

I have read her posts and believe they do seem a little like "I was busted and now this is what I have to do." That is not what is seems like around the house though so I am being patient and watching for signs.

Eagle,

Thank you for the update. Would you guys consider doing communication exercises for 30 minutes, twice a week? Not a whole chunk out of your day, and it isn't R talk...it is one person talking for 20 minutes (the speaker)...about anything...their own stuff...sharing it...and the other person listens, without speaking for the full 20 minutes, listening; then the listener summarizes for 5 minutes what they heard...and then the last five minutes, the speaker corrects or confirms what the listener heard. The correction part isn't bashing...it's what they intended to say...

And neither can talk about what the exercise was about for 24 hours. Heehee. Believe me, it's great for getting set on what is yours, hers on what is hers, and learning to really listen ('cuz that's as hard as speaking, remembering all that was said)...

We found it invaluable and the benefits extend beyond our marriage...helps in my work, his work, with the kids and relatives and friends. Learning to really listen and to be heard (believe it or not, it's kind of a shock); to listen to listen, not to answer...so freeing. And speaking aloud our thoughts for 20 minutes really opens up self to self.

Very difficult for a FWS to be loved for their essence, btw. A lot of push back (only YOU have the right to judge as the BH) goes on...because accepting our own essence, separate from our actions, is as foreign to us as being loved anyway.

Now...tell me the prepaid card was burnt or given to a women's shelter?

LA

Nope lost the prepaid, don't remember where I put it, thought it was in my truck.

Yup I would like to do the comms exercise, I'll ask W if she would like to also and we'll let you know.

Thank you LA

Lost it? LOL...hey, take your symbols where you can get them...for your own healing! I vote burning or scissoring...you're a cut up in real life, I think.

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Know where you can help to heal yourself, too, Eagle.

(((Eagle & MrsEagle)))

LA

LA,

Really I did lose it, I thought it was in my truck, maybe my desk at work, I have looked and can't find it. FWW says she doesn't have it, kids haven't seen it, who knows?

Yup I am a bit of a clown, I was hired for comic relief!

Update:

Things seem to be going smooth, she is almost done with HNHN. Hasn't posted since 10/17, hasn't answered questions from owl, LA and others. I guess we are going at her speed of recovery.

I believe Lexxy may be right, partially. Still confused!

Eagle,

What are you saying here...sounds like you're reporting the news with commentary.

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What are you continuing to do? How are the O&H drivebys? Any communication exercises now part of a routine for you both?

Gotta tell you how much "Getting the love you want" really amazed and informed me...think you might want to get it from the library?

You know I make it all about you, doncha?

LA