Hey gang,
Just to clarify a coupele of things: (1) My husband and I are in marriage counseling. We have been for 5 weeks. We both like our counselor and think he's helping us. (2) I have always had trouble with direct communication about difficult issues, or RH. This has nothing to do with my affair. I learned all about avoidance and passive/aggressive behavior from a master (my mother). This is something we are also working on with our MC. (3) I am apparently not the stereotypical woman, as my sex drive has always been strong enough to rival just about any man's... until I got married....

Which leads me to the "fun" stuff:

I decided to 'get honest' with my husband last night when he came home from work. It caused a big crash-and-burn.

Two things were on my mind. The sex stuff. And the fact that every time I do any deep digging and soul searching, I keep running into the idea that I never had romantic feelings/passionate love for my husband to begin with. You may remember that my originial analysis of my situation went something like: I married my best buddy thinking that it was mature to build a marriage on friendship, and that I could do without passion. That I stayed in the marraige as long as I did because I'm a perfectionist and stubborn and wouldn't admit my mistake. And that I had finally come to realize that there wasn't even a good friendship there anymore and that I really do need passion in my life afterall. These are ideas that everyone (you guys, our MC, and my H) all want to brush aside and attribute to "fog" or "coming out of the FWS handbook" or whatever. It was getting pretty frustrating, because all paths of self discovery, including the ones you guys were sending me down, were leading to the same place. The place of "I never really loved him." But I was afraid to bring it up because I was afraid of sabotaging our recovery and I was sick and tired of having my insights dismissed as "fog" and "revisionism". But I mustered up the nerve and initiated the conversation, anyway.

First, we talked about the sex -- the negative feelings I had last Friday night and my subsequent withdrawl. And that I still don't feel ready to try again. Some important background. I've been saying all along that he never really lit my fire. In the beginning, it was good enough for me to feel reasonably satisfied. But in the last few years, our sex life was practically nonexistant. Seriously. I'm talking once every 2 or 3 months. And then it was more of a means to an end if you know what I mean. Like, let's get this over with. Just after the births of our children (almost 3 and 6) I didn't care. But in between, and particularly in the months leading up to my A, I was very troubled by it.

Since I wasn't attracted to him, and found lots of creative ways to aviod the few advances he did make, I never really sat down and tried to figure out why HE had very little sex drive. I figured it was a combination of getting older (though he's only 46), the fact that I had put on some "baby" weight and didn't look good to him anymore, and that I had become such a good escape artist that he had given up. What I really wanted to know, however, was what the heck was wrong with ME!!! All sorts of crazy thoughts ran through my head. Is there something medically wrong with me? Am I gay? Going through "the change" already (Not likely. I'm 38)? It had been so long since I had been sexually attracted to anyone, including my husband, that I actually tried a perverse little experiment to see if I could get horny for some of my close male friends -- not DO anything, just FEEL like it -- to no avail. I concluded that I must be frigid -- whatever that is. Then, out of the blue, I meet this sexy, charming guy (the OM) and when he starts flirting with me it's like a lightning bolt going through my body and soul, waking me up from many years of a sexual and emotional coma. The drug analogy is very good. I was hooked with the first words out of his mouth to me. I was indeed like a crazed addict. I had to have more. And I discoverd to my amazement that my libido was not dead, it had just been dormant for many years. It was a brief affair, but it was very powerful stuff. And coming off that, back to the man who I'd been conditioning myself to tune-out and turn-off for years is not an easy transition.
It's like trying to start up a car that's been sitting in your back yard for at least six years. Ain't going to happen without a lot of TLC to the engine first.

Then, I brought up all the stuff I wrote above about running into the same 'never loved you' notion over and over again. And feeling like I had no way to resolve those thoughts, because nobody wants to give them any credibility -- just dismiss them as the typical babble of FWS's.

Well, none of this went over very well. My husband was very hurt and very discouraged. A little angry, too. He cried. He spent the night on the couch. I called him from work this morning and he was really down in the dumps, said he'd had all the wind knocked out of his sails and felt like I had taken away all his hope.

But when he came into work, he asked if we could go someplace private to talk. What he told me sent me reeling. He said the reason he had no sex drive and no desire for me was the porn he'd been watching. I knew he'd been using it, because he told me he had soon after we'd started marriage counseling. But I had NO IDEA how frequently or for how long. Turns out, it had been an "on-and-off thing" since before we were married, continuing that way through the early part of our marriage, and getting progressively more intense to the point of "just about every day for the last several years." I was floored by this information. He said he brought it up because it actually might be a factor in both of the issues I had been thinking about. Obviously, it had sapped all the energy out of our sex life for the last several years. But it might also help explain why there wasn't a lot of romance or passion in our early marriage as well!! I told him I was glad he told me, that I didn't judge him, that it was important information as we try to evaluate our relationship, and that it did indeed fill in some very big pieces of the puzzle. I also said I needed some time to process it all. It was a good talk. He was very brave to tell me and I meant every word I said.

But then, when I was driving home, I lost it. So many thoughts and feeling were rushing through me at once that I was crying and having a hard time breathing. I actually had to pull over and pop one of the anti-anxiety pills my Dr. had prescribed for me. I think I now have at least a vague idea of what D-day must be like for BS's.

I'm still a little dazed. On the negative side, it makes me feel like my entire marriage was tainted or fraudulent in a way, from the very beginning. It kinda grosses me out. And I'm afraid it will make my current sexual aversion even stronger.

On the positive side, it may very well explain why we never were able to develop real intimacy. Or at least it was a major factor. It also explains his nearly total lack of interest in me in the last several years. And it appears it was probably a vicious cycle the whole time... a little porn... a little less intimacy... a little more porn... even less intimacy... more porn... less intimacy... and on and on through the years. I think this could actually be very good news because it suggests that if he can kick the habit, we might actually have a good shot at eventually creating that intimacy and passion we've both been missing and craving (WHO KNEW?) He says he's done with it, and I believe him.

At the same time however, I'm going to have to work through some feelings of loss and revulsion. Things just seem to get more and more complicated the deeper we get into this process. Sorting through it all is soooo hard.

Sorry this was so long... I'm exhausted now.

--SC

Cookie cookie cookie,

Oh I can relate to the libedo thing. Listen - I had medical problems for awhile, and H and I hardly ever had sex...and we got into bad routines and bad patterns and sex became a chore...so much of a chore - I FORGOT that in the beginning we DID have good sex - i was CONVINCED we were never ever sexually compatable, then started questioning why I married him in the first place - was it a mistake? THIS was all part of the years of negative thinking that lead up to the A.

When I had my A, I realized _ WOW I work and wow - I can get turned on! Maybe after all this time of H saying it was my problem, it was my sex drive and me believing it - he was wrong, and I didn't love him - because here I was - my sex drive was working and I felt GOOD!

You sound so much like me the first few months out of my A...hang in there.

If you husband is now changing - you will find you start remembering the times when SEX was good - and guess what - SEX goes on to be great - H and I for the first time in a long time have great sex - although right now we dont have it very much due to H's schedule.

Start spending alot of time with your H. Look through photo albums, visit old places you once visited..you will start to see positives you never knew were there - you will start to remember why you married your husband and realize you didn't make a mistake after all.

SC, i read it all, i don't have time to respond much, but i can relate to much of what you say. i had a lot of time where i wonder if i really loved my H when i choose to marry him. i am still not sure BUT, i no longer care anymore.

the past is gone, i no longer believe in "soul=mates" and i don't think that is a bad thing.

there is much to be said about choosing to love a person and then just loving them.

look, you guys have been married for how long?? and you have 2 kids, right?

i challange you to let go of the past, i mean, yes you have to dig into it together some so you can understand it, but don't be fearful of the past.

the past has nothing to do with the present.

you like the guy right? you care about him, true?

just hold on to that, give yourself and him some slack and spend as much time in the present day and looking forward as you can.

i know you do have to look at the past some. but when you do, just do it so you can learn.

i could be wrong, but i am guessing fear due to the past is blocking you to seeing the possibilty of the future being whatever you want it to be.

i have had same thoughts as you... do i really love him??

tell me this, who can answer that question except for us and the only way to answer it is by your actions.

and realize the question is not do i feel love for him, it is am i choosing to love him.

can you choose to love him?

if the answer is yes, then stick to working on your marriage and i'll bet you will find your marriage will be nothing like it used to be.

you are very blessed that your H is so actively working with you. mine is working a bit more on the sidelines, does not like MB, has not read any books, will not go to MB, but even still, we are making progress. i know he cares, i do believe he wants us to be happy.

and i'm not judging him for his choices (although sometimes it does frustrate me). he has been thru a lot.

he will not wear his wedding ring, that saddens me a lot. so i have to work on not letting it bother me.

this stuff is hard and it will be for a while. but try to have more faith and less fear and see where it leads you.

i don't mean to brush aside your comments about wondering if you really ever loved him. i really can relate.

i'm just trying to give you another way to deal with it.

dorry, maybe i need to start doing what you suggest. i'm way past withdrawal and i still conclude that i didn't really love my H when we married.

then again, i am also concluding that i didn't really know how to love period. not in the way i see myself loving him now.

i'm not sure i can explain what i am trying to say... maybe tommorow... i have to take off for the day.

FL and Dorry,
Yes, yes, yes. You are both so right. That is our plan -- to focus on the present (not the future too much yet). Spend time together. enjoy each other's company. do fun things together. Thanks so much for the continued words of encouragement. I think I'm starting to fall in love with all of you... lol!!!!
-SC <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

"i'm way past withdrawal and i still conclude that i didn't really love my H when we married."

And you continually wonder why he's still acting detached? Why he doesn't yet wear his ring?

Gosh, I'm not confused, and he might not be either.

Added: I'm not criticizing you, FL. I'm putting myself in your H's shoes and suddenly feeling something to what I think is akin to what you write about him all the time.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> boy can i relate to that too!!!

i will NEVER forget the kindness and subsequent changes to myself and my life due to the kind people on this site.

one more thing to throw out. H and I joined a raquetball club and played every friday for a while. we have long gotten out of the habit, although we continue to keep the membership and we still play occasionally. it was really helpful to have something like that for us.

maybe you can think of something similar. something where you just enjoy the time together.

as we have had less chance to play raquetball, we have moved to backgammon, although that is more my game than his. personally i think he does not mind though because the time investment from him is small and he knows i like it.

did you read everything i wrote Aphelion??? i am surprised by your response.

i think i am being very honest with myself. i am realizing and taking responsibility for never truely loving him as i should have been. yes, i have always liked him, but i never pulled my weight in loving him based on choosing to love him even when my feelings were non-loving.

i did nice things for him through out our marriage.

i have to think on this more and will write more tommorow.

i'm just very surprised at your response....

am i totally missing something, did i come across incorrectly???

would my H respond as you did if he were to read my words?

aphelion, i don't want to brush off what you have written, but i don't understand why what i am saying is a bad thing.

I think Alph touched on something but not clearly.

Before I started my A, or even met OM, I was already feeling that whole - I am not sure I married H for the right reasons, not sure how much I loved him...you know what - long before Om came into the picture my husband sensed it...but he admits instead of bringing things up he instead one upped me - well if she seems reserved from me, I am going to distance myself from her...which only then futhered the truth I was thinking of at the time.

At that point, I didn't know HOW to look for good times, I didn't know to spend more time with him, to express myself - to SHOW him the love i may or may not have for him...and he felt all that and distanced himself even more. by the time I met Om, I truly believed H was just married to me because I was conveient. And it was so far from the truth, and alot of it was my H's reaction to what vibes he was picking up on from me.

I think what Alph is trying to say - is that if you are thinking it - then you may be sending that vibe, causing your husband to remain distant and detached...

Maybe you do need to look through books, revisit places you went to with him, remember what you loved about him so long ago and CHOOSE to love him again no matter what he gives in return...when giving out that sort of love, the reponse will sometimes surprise you...sometimes all men want to feel is that I do love you vibe...

maybe saying i did not love him is not accurate.

maybe saying i was not appropriately committed to him woudl be more accurate. i lacked conviction. i lacked belief in anything being forever, including us. and i now understand how he probably felt that all along.

but i am not acting that way now, and i don't see how taking responsibility for my past flaws, naming them, owning them and CHANGING them is bad.

it's not like i am telling him i never loved you!!!

this is all internal stuff. i have told i am coming to understand my past flaws more clearly and i am working on maturing and growing.

in every way i am owning how my life got to where it got to.

obviously you have hit a sore spot on me.

i can try to accept he does not want to wear his ring but i don't think he is justified based on current behavior.

and that is what i heard you say when i read your post.

What you wrote is not a bad thing. When I read it I simply connected two dots that have for a long time seemed to me to be far apart.

You have agonized over a lot of things for a long time. One of them is your H’s seeming detachment both now and during the majority of your M.

Then I read you admit never really loved him. Only recently have you decided you should act love-the-verb towards him anyway.

I wondered if I would have noticed this in FWW. Then I realized I did for years without understanding it. I don’t think my FWW has ever loved me either.

She has done nice things for me, of course. Even in the midst of her LTA. Sometimes she did nice things for me in the morning before she went to him and again in the evening when she came home to me.

Shoot FL, Saddam’s jailers do nice things for him too. It’s not actually supposed to be torture, is it?

Anyway, the result is I felt detached from FWW most of our M. I sensed the varying distance she imposed and of course I adjusted my own feelings. Sometimes I tried harder and sometimes I distanced myself. At any given time what I did depended on other factors too, but the motor for the whole thing was the fact that I have never detected any real love for me. It was not until IC after DDay2 that I figured this out. I’m still figuring it out.

So I wondered out loud if it’s been the same for your H. Has he tried IC?


And I did add: it’s not in any way a criticism of you.

"I can try to accept he does not want to wear his ring but I don't think he is justified based on current behavior."

At the risk of inflaming any other sore spot...

He is no more justified in hurting you than you were/are justified in hurting him.

But justified isn’t the right word for this.

It’s feelings. Generally fear. And it’s a lack of any feelings at all – an emotional numbness from the preceding pain.

I have been there. I occasionally still go there. At almost two tears after DDay2 my triggers are not related so much to SF with OM or even her love for OM. They are fueled by my constant knowledge of all the lost opportunities. All the wasted years.

I don’t believe now she ever really loved me. What a waist of a good marriage. What a primed load of gunpowder for the odd trigger.

So I don’t wear my ring either. It’s a trigger all by itself.

Maybe someday though. She does seem to be trying to love-the-verb. She just does not have much practice at it.


I wish I could talk to your H. I bet we have a lot in common now.

SC,

You have said a lot of things I thought I would respond to. First, I must say that the advice to work on the NOW and the FUTURE is very good. It is more profound than I think you realize yet. Next, I would like to suggest that, as you digest the porn issue and your "lack of love" for your H coupled with your admitted avoidance of intimacy with him, avoid the issue of who did what first. THere is little doubt that your attitude toward your H fed his behavior and his response has also fed yours. However, the point to observe here is that you both were "numbing" yourself to your emotional needs for intimacy and love. As such it is little wonder that you don't reflect back on the marriage with much joy or happiness, and frankly your H probably doesn't either. With that said, permit me to comment on some of your comments.

You said
SC, I think you misinterpretting our statements a bit. By saying you are in the "fog", we are not dismissing what you are saying, we are saying that as this effort move along you will see things differently including "you never really loved him". We are sure of that and one of the reasons is if you stay around here and you continue counseling, you are going to start to see a "different" definition of love. Further, what often happens here even where one of both of the couple don't feel they "ever loved the other" (it is common here actually) love and loving feelings can be developed, nutured, and enjoyed. Your past may not be to your liking, but your future has more promise than you realize now and that is part of the "fog" that you don't yet see the potential. So saying you are in the "fog" is not a means to dismiss your statements, it is our way of saying that your perspective on things will change.


But the point is you did not talk to him about it. Now you are, now you are going to start to see things differently why? Because, once he understands you and your needs he can meet them as you can his. And your reward for doing so??? A loving, and deeply committed husband.


By golly you have it SC <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> You have indeed been conditioning yourself to tune-out and turn-off your H for years. That means he could NOT put any deposits in your love bank. Now matter how hard he tried or did not try he was set up to fail. This is part of what we call the "fog". Normally, this type of behavior occurs "just before" an A. IN your case you have been doing it for a long time, hence you have NOT seen your H in a true light for years. You are about to now and that is what we mean by coming out of the "fog".


Several comments here. First wouldn't you feel this way if the roles had been reversed? The thing that we all fear here is that one of the spouses will lose all hope. If you have not figured it out yet, the BIGGEST thing this site does offer is hope, and more specifically Harley's approach to marriage offers hope and delivers on that hope more often than not. But, here is something else to consider. You have marginalized your H for years. You have shown him much if any love, you have had an affair on him. You have told him to his face that you did not/do not love him and yet.... he yearns for HOPE. He is willing to endure and work on this marriage. You may have had a fantasy of what the ideal H would be, about how he would sweep you off of your feet, but the reality is most fantasy don't have staying power, especially when the going gets tough, and for your H the going is really really tough and yet he is there. Do you think just maybe he gets what LOVE really is? He hasn't had much fun either. Just a thought for you to consider. I am thinking you could do worse than being married to a man that loves you that much.


Here is the "fog" again. Instead of withdrawing from you when you hurt him with your revelations, he dug inside and pulled out something HE did wrong, something he is ashamed off (he would have mentioned it much earlier if he wasn't), and took the heat off you, and you think you have an idea how he feels? I don't think so. He did not do this to you, he did it to himself to numb himself. What is interesting is that you cannot seem to see why he might have been doing this. That is what the "fog" is about. It is manifested as a lack of empathy of being able to see the other side. Your H realizes he hurt the marriage and he told you about it. Why do you suppose he told you these things when he could have hidden them and just pointed the finger at you?


Or was it a little intmacy, a little porn, a little less intimacy and a little more porn? To some extent it does not make a difference, but perhaps you might give the man the benefit of the doubt. You are very right now that all of this is coming out you DO have a good shot at creating intimacy and passion. That very point is what we are trying to say. As you see things clearer about yourself, your H, your life, you will see that you two have a better shot than you realize. The man is clearly committed to you and he is being very honest with you when it would perhaps appear to serve him best not to be. I agree with you, I believe he can quit it...BUT you will need to help him. It is an addiction just as your A was/is. He must help you and you must help him. But,please understand something...he is blaming himself more for your decisions than you can imagine. He self-esteem, self-respect is very very low. You have to help him with this and that in turn lead to HOPE...for both of you. You may well find that the more you help HIM, the more you will realize you can and do love him. Not in the teenager crush fashion, but that deep abiding love that one can count on during hard times, and enjoy in the good times.


No problem with the length, you need to get these things out. Let me ask you what do you feel you have lost and what revolts you in all of this?

I look forward to your answers and thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

I agree with almost everything you wrote. Almost.

Just to reitterate and clarify a couple of things: (1) I'm not a complete idiot. I knew the things I told my husband the other night would hurt him. That's why it was so hard for me to say them. I said them as gently as I could. But they are the truth of how I feel right now, and he had been telling me he wanted me to open up more and share my thoughts and feelings, so I did. (2) I know my husband loves me deeply. I know he has made superhuman efforts to change. I have stated many times that there are very few people who would have reacted to all this in such a positive and constructive way. I recognize all of this and I have told him so many times. I get it. (3) I also agree that "what was" matters a lot less than "what is" and "what could be." The goal is to heal, make positive changes, and move onward and upward. I get that, too.

However...
(Mr. C, if you read this next part, please understand it is not directed at you. You have already beaten yourself up about this enough. Once again, I am far more impressed and touched by the way you are handling this now, than angry or hurt about what happened in the past. The folowing is just a rant in response to a couple things JL wrote)


To that, JL, I say B--- Sh--! We're talking about a 20 year addiction that pre-dates the marriage and that evolved into a daily thing over the last six years or so. Something that caused a lot of damage to our relationship. (Have you read Dr. Harley's stuff on porn? I have. I bet he has, too.) How much "digging" did it really take to pull that up?? No heavy machinery needed there. Yes, after finding out about my affiar, he could have just said, "Good. This marriage isn't working for me either and now I have a good reason to get out. So long, baby!" But he didn't. As you point out, he immediately started looking at himself. And for that I give him all the credit in the world. BUT DON'T TELL ME I DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE SAME DEPTH OF HURT AND FEELINGS OF BETRAYAL ABOUT THE PORN AS HE DID ABOUT THE AFFAIR!!! I'm sure you guys will want to tell me that an affair is the ultimate betrayal, not on the same level as porn. Don't bother. I don't buy it.


I do see the other side. I know I wasn't there for him, meeting his needs the way I should have been. And that is something that will have to change if we're going to have the kind of relationship we want. However, how many times have I been told that the affair was 100% my fault, my responsibility? You can't have it both ways. Either we take personal responsibility for our actions or we don't. And that doesn't just apply to affairs. I didn't say, "I'm not in the mood tonight honey. Here are some tapes. Go take care of business yourself." He made that decision all by himself.



Correct. Just as I could have hidden the affair and walked away. And if you've been following my story, you know that nobody would have blamed me. Including him.

Okay, rant over.

Bottom line, he has once again demonstrated the lengths to which he will go to not only save the marriage but make it great. I'm trying, too. We'll be going over our EN questionaires this weekend. I hope to get lots of inspiration...

Love you all -- even when I'm railing at you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

-SC

morning SC. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i've been mulling over what Aphelion said yesterday.

sorry for the slight thread jack, i'm going to start a seperate thread to continue the converstation with him.

JL is a really smart and kind person. IMHO anyway. He has helped me a great deal.

I don't beleive that it was JL's intention to imply that you did not experience feelings of betrayal but let me ask you the following rhetorical questions:

1. Will you have to live with the KNOWLEDGE that your H never fell in love with you and married you out of friendship? [First Betrayal].

2.Will you have to live with the KNOWLEDGE that another woman ACTUALLY touched your H skin in the most intimate places that only you had a right to?

3.Will you have to learn to live with the MENTAL IMAGES of your H and OW making love to one another?

4.Will you have to live with the KNOWLEDGE that your H said to the OW 'I love you' and meant it?

These questions DO NOT invalidate your feelings of betrayal from your H's porn viewing in any way, shape or form, but hopefully will give you some insight as to what it truly is to be a BS.

Anyway, you and your H are doing a great in your efforts to create a much happier and healthier marriage from the ashes of the old one. You two are to be commended.

TMCM

Answer: No, just the knowledge that even when we were newlyweds, there were times when he preferred to watch other people "get it on" than be with me.


Answer: No, just the knowledge that he took care of business himself night after night while I went to bed feeling lonely and unattractive. The mental images of that aren't particularly pleasant, either.

Answer: No, and neither does my husband. My affair lasted approx five weeks. It was with a guy I barely knew. A guy who used me, wiped his feet on me and threw me away when he was done with me. Guess I got just what I deserved, huh?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />Sorry for all the hostility. But I'd rather get it all out here than take it out on my husband or kids. Thanks for listening.

not-such-a-SC-afterall

SC,

You said
Well, thank you very much. The ALMOST does not bother me a bit. I am glad I did get a few things right. This whole process is iterative so your response is welcome.

You did say something I thought interesting.
I did not say anything about heavy machinery. I said he went and looked at himself and his mistakes and admitted them. He did NOT blame you for his porn addiction did he? Yet, given the fact that you had shut him out of your life over the years, surely could be used as an excuse of increased usage.

My point SC is that while you are focusing on HIS porn addiction you are NOT focusing on YOUR issues and role in this marriage. You can only change yourself. You can only affect the marriage and your sense of commitment by looking inward. He has to address HIS issues. Like you I believe he will. However, one of the things seen here often is blame shifting and people here come down hard on that. To quote Dr. Phil "you cannot fix what you don't acknowledge." You have acknowledged that you feel you did not love your H when you married, that you have never loved him. Let's assume that is true.

Then the next logical question is "what kind of a person would USE another human being, cheat on them, and not care for them?" I know I wrote this to sound harsh. But, think on this a bit. Are you really the person I implied by that question? I somehow don't think you are. I think there is a lot more compassion, kindness, and yes...love in you than you will admit right now. However, I think you have gone to some lengths to hide it. I have no idea why. I could speculate, but I suspect your counselor will get to that at some point.

But, just for sake of discussion let's assume my statements have some validity. Do you see the task your H had before him and he did not know? Most people marry knowing they love and are loved. To the discredit of most of us, we trade on that, we rely on the fact that our spouse loves us to not be as good a spouse as we could and should be. I suspect your H felt the same about you. He felt/thought you loved him. He worked from the perspective that there was deposits in the bank to start with. I suspect you did as well.

But, if you are truely correct in your statement that you had no love for your H when you married him, he was working with a empty account. The marriage was bankrupt from the beginning and ANY mistakes he made could not be overcome by good will in the bank. Hence his account was and still is overdrawn. Oddly, yours is not as shown by your H's response to you.

My point is that NOW that he knows exactly where he stands he KNOWS that he must be an extrodinary husband to build the love he assumed you had. He can do this. He has started the process. My suggestion is that you let him. You leave the bank open and ready to receive his deposits, don't take another bank holiday. Of all the things you can do, being receptive to his efforts will go the longest way in you AND your H having the marriage you want, with the passion you desire. You may well have a hero in the making don't get in his way.

I won't comment on a few other things, I believe Coffeeman more eloquently stated some of my thoughts than I could possibly do.

I do agree with him as well, that you two are actually doing pretty well. Perhaps better than you realize. BOTH of you are to be congratulated, I sense effort on both of your sides. I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

God Bless,

JL

JL,
No more bank holidays. My new motto. The rest, I'll think about. Probably long and hard.
--SC

Insteresting answers, don't you think? especially for someone who claims she was never in love with her H to begin with and married him mostly out of friendship. Maybe you want to reconsider these assertions for if they were true then his betrayal [BTW his porn viewing/masturbation IS a betrayal] would not have had the emotional sucker punch effect it had on you. Also the fact that you are here on this forum dedicated to saving/rebuilding marriages, seems to question these assertions. What do you think?


THAT is the bitter lesson most WWs learn about their OMs. So much heartbreak would be avoided if women would stop and think to ask themselves what kind of man would pursue a married woman. If an OM truly loved a married woman, the last thing he would do is have an affair with her knowing full well that doing so would not only not destroy her marriage and family but her as well.


That's all right, vent as much as you want.

TMCM