Pepperband, our MC actually told me to do that and it helped stop back when he did it all the time. The phrase he gave to us was, "time out". Today, when he was yelling and swearing and name calling,etc I said Time Out. He responded by hanging up on me.

I know I am doing a bad job with the LBing and I am committed to do better. I am just so angry. What happens when I do all the things he likes and make the meals he likes, he usually responds well to it but he carries this attitude that says, "see, I knew you'd get over it. It (EA)was no big deal." When things start to get back to normal (whatever THAT is) he just goes back to taking me for granted. When I asked him if he realizes that he could be destroying our family he responds with, "If I wanted to be gone, I'd be gone." Or, "I'm still here aren't I?" I hate that.

I really don't think there has been any contact, although he still has not written the NC letter. He became VERY angry when I brought that up this morning. He just snarled at me and said, "I told you I'd take care of it this week, didn't I? Is the week over yet? Get off my ^&(^& back!" I don't think his lack of NC means that he is maintaining contact as much as it would take him a little closer to admitting that this was an EA. He now knows I can see his emails so IF he is contacting her it would be on the work computer and I have no access. Also, the cell phone belongs to his employer so I can't get to the bills for that. I do check the call log on the phone, but of course you can erase the record, so that doesn't really tell me anything either. I still have not made contact with OWH. I called 5 times in the last few days. No luck getting him so far. I am considering paying a service to search for a cell phone number for him. I just don't know if they are for real or not. I don't know where he works and they live 5 hours away otherwise I would just follow him to work. He was working out of their house, but now I wonder if that is accurate anymore since no one picks up during the day.

While I know that saving my marriage is my goal for me and my children, it's so exhausting dealing with all of his emotions when HE is the man that crushed my world. This is really hard work!

***What happens when I do all the things he likes and make the meals he likes, he usually responds well to it but he carries this attitude that says, "see, I knew you'd get over it. It (EA)was no big deal." When things start to get back to normal (whatever THAT is) he just goes back to taking me for granted.***

sick, I think we are married to the same man. They both refuse to do anything but force you to pretend it never happened so they can be smug and happy and tell themselves they didn't do anything wrong.

Instead of cleaning up the mess he made, you can bet the house that he will do nothing but insist on sweeping it all under the rug -- and when it just lies there and stinks, he'll find a way to blame the stench on *you.*

***When I asked him if he realizes that he could be destroying our family he responds with, "If I wanted to be gone, I'd be gone." Or, "I'm still here aren't I?" I hate that.***

Spoken like a true Freeloader. A Freeloader's ONLY committment to a marriage is "I won't file for divorce." There is no committment whatsoever to care or protection. Just "I won't leave" and an angry insistence that that should be enough.

Sound familiar?

Please get the book *Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders* immediately if not sooner. It is available new on this site or used on Amazon.com.

You are in the same situation that I am in -- you are a Buyer trying to make a committed partner out of a Freeloader. It will never work. Never. If he refuses to step up and make the committment to Buyer, you can only look forward to more months and years of loneliness and neglect while he pursues his me-me-me lifestyle and fully expects to take you totally for granted.

***I really don't think there has been any contact, although he still has not written the NC letter. He became VERY angry when I brought that up this morning. He just snarled at me and said, "I told you I'd take care of it this week, didn't I? Is the week over yet? Get off my ^&(^& back!"***

You couldn't have clearer evidence that he's still seeing her if she walked into your house and sat down at the kitchen table.

Please get that book.
Mulan

Mulan, thank you and I justed ordered the book from Amazon.

So, how does a plan A work in these circumstances?

How can I find out if there is still contact?? I honestly believed him!

***So, how does a plan A work in these circumstances?***

Excellent question. I'm not sure it can, because all Plan A does is enable a hard-core Freeloader. It's exactly what he wants but it can kill the last dregs of your soul while you are forced to smile and cater to his Freeloading ways.

Maybe you could do the shortest Plan A in history -- like about five minutes -- and then go directly to Plan B.

See what others say. They'll be along shortly.
Mulan

Well, I don't know what to do next.

Unfortunately I did not find this site until a few days after exposure so I botched it up. I emailed both of them to let them know I found out about their 4 1/2 month Emotional affair with tons of emails and phone calls, sexual talk, miss you talk...all of which he STILL maintains was innocent banter between old friends. Yea, right, the old girlfriend that dumped you when you were in High School...just two old friends BSing. Whatever.

Anyway, the OW is doing a magnificant job at blocking my calls to their house and WS is doing a great job calling his siblings giving them his VERY watered down version. In the end I learned to today that his family now thinks that I am an over reactive, insanely jealous wife and they are not getting involved. My SIL has read the emails and told them what they say and her DH has plainly told her that I am trying to launder our dirty laundry to everyone. It is actually WS that told them, not me. I never even hear from these people.

Plan A is not working because WS is validated every time that I meet his needs and behave pleasantly that this was not an affair and now I am "coming around".

I wish I know about this all before hand. I don't know what to do next. Any ideas at all?

In my humble opinon, you have already done Plan A and as you say, he just takes any further Plan A as "validation" that you are just fine with what he did/is doing.

As for what to do next? Well, he is still a WS. When a WS uses Plan A to enable their cheating and feel good about it, it is time for Plan B.

Also: What is his reaction to the POJA? Have you offered to use this to resolve your differences in your marriage?

His reaction to the POJA will tell you a lot. Freeloaders HATE the POJA. Renters will do it sometimes if they think it will get them what they want. Buyers adore it because it provides a solution that benefits both parties.

My WH despises the POJA and refuses to use it for anything. He will snarl, "I will never give you that kind of control!" Of course, lying to your spouse and keeping them in the dark about your plans isn't controlling at all . . .

The *Buyers* book that I mentioned talks in great detail about how the POJA works and why Freeloaders resent it so much.

As long as he refuses to budge on the POJA, he remains a Freeloader and not a Buyer. And Freeloaders are worthless in long-term relationships.
Mulan

I am going to ask him to do the POJA and see what he says tomorrow.

I had an IC appt this morning and he knew it. When I woke up this morning a print out of his first attempt at a NC letter was on the counter.

It reads:

XXX,

I do not want to have anything to do with you. I do not have feelings for you. I'm not leaving my wife or my kids. I love my wife very much and plan to be with her forever so whatever notions you had or have forget about it. Do not try to contact me anymore. I do not want to see or hear from you ever again.

YYY

This is not what what we talked about but it's a start. The IC said it sounded a bit like a forced letter from a BS and he should work on it more. BTW, MC is a fan of Dr. Harley and his methods.

The IC/MC also asked what I thought about if he sent an email out to his entire family stating clearly that he had made a mistake, that I was not a hysterical, overly jealous wife and that what he did was wrong. He asked me how I'd feel if WS did that. I can't imagine that he would EVER do it, but it sure would make a world of difference to me.

He disrespected me and our marriage in the EA and now he is disrespecting me when he calls his family saying it was no "big deal" and that I am "over-reacting"


I told the MC that I like it. I said I will email the cut and paste of all the emails to his family members that he has spoken to if he doesn't do it.

What are your opinions?

I sure hope you guys are right about this exposure thing. It's pretty bad around here and I expect it will get a lot worse. I sent all the emails to OWH and WS says he doesn't care. Still maintains that while "inappropriate" this was no relationship and no big deal. I sent the emails to a friend of mine for 8 years. She was shocked when she read them. I sent them to my sister and my parents too. They are absolutely not happy about this. Everyone that has read them says the same thing. It was hot, sexual, secretive (he still maintains that this was always out in the open, people that have read this laugh when I say that) and quite a bit more than just inappropriate. They all agree that her invitations for him to come to visit his hometown could certainly moved into a PA. I think so too.

When he asked me what he could do to help me get over this one of the things that I said was to read about EA. He said he would but still has not touched the Harley books, etc. On Monday night I sent the article from the Today show about EA. It was a good article, balanced, explained how most people slip into them without meaning to. Also said that the EA is a very painful experience for the BS especially if the WS insists to themselves and others it was no affair because there was no sex.

He has been an absolute jerk over this article. SO ANGRY. Bad language, hanging up on me, insults, etc. Claims I insulted him with the article? He took his wedding ring off and refuses to speak to me. I have no idea if he went to his IC today. It feels pretty hopelss right now. When he is confronted by my family I expect it to be a full out war here.

I believe him when he says there has been no contact since DD 10-18-05. OWH says the same thing.

I am doing the right thing here? He is going to lose it when he finds out I have told the family.

It sounds like you may have hit your mark with this move. The goal is not to appease him, sick, but to WAKE HIM UP. If the article does that, then you have achieved your purpose despite his initial anger. Just don't let him bait you into a fight. Sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better, so just hang onto your [censored] for the ride.

If he ended contact in August, I would lay off the exposures.

It was in October, about 5 -6 weeks ago. I read on here that for those in denial of their actions, to see themselves through other peoples eyes might make what they did clearer to them. That is the only reason why I did this exposure...to help us get through this. As long as he continues to say it was no big deal I have no reassurance that it won't reignite or he won't do it again.

Does that make sense? Or am I way off on this? The only person left is his mother who runs into the OW with some frequency. I would have called her tonight but my son dropped by and we visited for while.

***He has been an absolute jerk over this article. SO ANGRY. ***

As Melody said, this just means that you finally got through to him.

Let him get as mad as he wants. He'll get even madder when he sees people treating him somewhat differently now that they know. GOOD.

WS get this fantasy in their heads that they can go out and behave like they're single, and their families will simply adjust to this and it will all be just fine.

You just busted his fantasy bubble and exposed him for the liar and cheater he is. That's why he's so angry.

Don't take the blame for HIS stupid, selfish choices. Any man who ignores his own family for some OW, whether he's screwing her or not, does not deserve to have a family.

That's what he's finding out now.

Did you ever get *Not Just Friends* by Shirley Glass? That's the one you need to put in his briefcase.
Mulan

I have almost all the books. In fact, I emailed him a Shirley Glass article about emotional affairs with the article from the Today show. He was absolutely irate, did not read it. Because she discussed how people are so vulnerable in the work place he bit my head off because what he got out of that article is that I think he is having an EA at work. That has never even been a thought of mine.

He will not read any of this. he thinks it's all ridiculous. I would LIKE to think that I hit a nerve, but I sincerely doubt he read the information at all. He just keeps denying that this was any big deal and he is furious at my reaction to it. We have not spoken one word to each other since I sent the email on Tuesday morning.

I've really had it with the silent treatment and the lack of respect and this childish behavior.

***In fact, I emailed him a Shirley Glass article about emotional affairs with the article from the Today show. He was absolutely irate, did not read it.***

Are you sure he isn't reading it? If he's not, then how can he be upset about what's in it?

***Because she discussed how people are so vulnerable in the work place he bit my head off because what he got out of that article is that I think he is having an EA at work. That has never even been a thought of mine.***

Thought #1: Wasn't his "friend" a co-worker?

Thought #2: If he's furious because he thinks you think he's having an EA at work -- well, think about THAT for a minute.

Mulan