I am thinking...

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BR: I was struck by the tone that seemed to say Buyer = Good, Renter = Bad.
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I considered myself being a Buyer in my M, but in retrospect I don't think it was GOOD for me! Sometimes, it made me tolerate some 'garbage' from S that I would not tolerate from a stranger!

Being less 'naive' about life now, I am not sure I could ever be a Buyer again in a relationship. Or, would have to be prepared on moving from Buyer to Renter very quickly if situation warrants it! But, wouldn't this mean being 'on guard' all the time? This is probably linked directly to another question: will I ever trust anyone again, as I have (and got burnt)?

I think Dr. Phil says it something like this: is the relationship worth what it's costing you?...or, don't invest in a relationship more than you can afford to lose...

Nice chatting with you all!

P.S.

I have a question: when a WS claims that he has found "soulmate" and is prepared to give everything up for OW, what does that make A?

In my case, WS prepared to leave his family, home, M of 21+ yrs and OW is prepared to do the same, give up 27-yrs M?

But, curiously, they have decided, at least for now, not to 'live' together. Wonder if they are worried about reality hitting them. Also, WS is only really available one week out of two (shared custody) but OW has grown children. It looks like they are prepared to give up a lot, but not yet ready to 'committ' to anything - a Freeloader/Freeloader relationship? GF/BF only? Hook up only when we want, and therefore, always enjoy each other's company? Sounds like WS trying to recapture his 'adolescent' feelings of first love. Just fun, no responsabilities.

It seemed important for WS not to consider his A like all the others - like, his was special, enough to move out and live with the consequences of broken M, being judged negatively, or he would not have had the A. He saw themselves as Romeo and Juliette - society trying to keep them apart. Well, it's not quite that now - nobody's is 'holding them back'.

Would appreciate your thoughts on this.

Peanut gallery piping up!


I would tend to agree with that, given that it fit our previous addict/codependent pattern. The codependent is too invested in the relationship to consider bailing.

Interesting comment from Harley about his definition of addiction, namely, whatever a spouse is unwilling to POJA. In the last year or two of recovery, Clark and I have really hit our stride in applying POJA more consistently.

I'm a little torn on the Renter/Buyer thing: I see a bit of both in me at present. I am not willing to go to Plan A or B if there were another A, simply because in my case, that is Clark's addiction.

Perhaps I am in a condo. Or one of those Rent-To-Own situations? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Lunamere, your WH sounds like mine. After moving away from his family, he decides that he and OW will undergo a "emotional cooling off period". Wow, that would have sure been helpful to do before your ripped your kids heart out huh?

One day, I would just love a splash of truth here and there.

Luna ~ I think even the most healthy person, after being betrayed, has the fears you do. It takes time to heal. Give yourself time.

You can't always trust other people, but you can trust yourself to know what to do to take care of yourself if you are faced with an untrustworthy person ever again.

Thanks for the reply, BR.

Anyway, should one really 'totally' trust someone? At best, some day, oneself - but, someone else? May have been one of my mistakes. Trusting too much and I don't think one should ever do that.

Can one be a Buyer and yet not 'totally' trust partner?
Be in a 'committed' relationship, on the other hand, but keeping one 'eye' always open for signs? Would this be a Renter\Renter at best?

Can a BS ever be Buyer material again?

Sorry, looks like there are a lot of questions in this post....I sound like my S9.