I think knowing more about the answer to this question might help a lot of those who are in Plan B and those who are thinking about going into Plan B.

I know that basically the WS is still in a FOG, an alien. But are there any WS here that can share with us more than this? What exacly are you thinking?

What do you think about your BS?

Thanks!

Kim

Good Question Kim....

Maybe we can get some idea on whats going on .....

Well Kim, this question has been raised before..... the reality of it all is the WS' as a group.... don't think. Not capable of logical deduction or reasonings of any sort.

What does cross their minds is how much u and your family has hurt them. It is still all about the WS and their needs. This is all the while when the BS is struggling to get back on his/her feet.

So now what?!???! With that knowledge comes the power which the BS can use to their advantage. Know what those advantages are?

L.

Kim, I will tell you that as a BS you could actually have 'fun' at this stage. I am sure that has been sorely lacking in your life. Now is the time to reach out and go have some good clean fun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks Orchid - So the WS is still completely incapable of thinking. Only capable of thinking selfishly.

We as the BS are inflicting MORE pain on the WS by cutting them off. By taking control.

I am trying to focus on me during this time, just wondering if the WS feels any WD from the BS. If they think about the BS in a positive way at all.

It's still all about how WS can be with OP at this point. How OP can fill WS's emotional needs. I know now that this is the time for OP and WS to do some LB and see how it's not reality.

Kim

Bingo!!! Now you need to refine those thoughts and put them into action. U r aware that u as the BS can cause LB's from afar? With the reverse babble technique coupled with your plan B, u could at the very least spoil their time together..... see before they could spend time laughing at you.... now since you went to plan B they are wonder.... 'what is Kim up to? wonder what she is doing? what is she planning t/d.....wonder wonder wonder.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />' Can't have too much A fun or A sex with those thoughts running through their minds. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Well, Kim, as a fresh and committed completely dark Plan B'er, I can tell you that the reason i am in Plan B is because the only thing than my WS can think about is having his own selfish "fun" at the expense of all those who were once dear to him.

So forget about the WS's thoughts during Plan B. We, the BSs, were hoping for our spouse's support in recovery from their betayal. That ain't gonna happen. We've gotta do it ourselves. We are the ones that need to give our children an example of a genuine, honest, honorable, and loving way to live life. We need to shine enough light to overwhelm the shadow that infidelity has cast on our family's life... just think of how one single match can illuminate an entire room and you will know the power you have within you.

I know they might wonder what I am up to....I believe WH thinks I am still in touch with OWH. I am not though. But how do I help them LB? By them wondering what I am up to?? Who do I reverse babble to?

I'd love to make sure their time together is spoiled. Please, please give more thoughts.....

Kim

Lost, I think it just might help to know what they think. I know I must focus on me and recovering me. If there is anything else more I can do in Plan B to end that A, then by golly I do want to know.



I am definitely trying to do that. It's what we all must strive for. That is so true!!

Kim

Read MY THOUGHTS THREAD for MY THOUGHTS on this if you are interested, Kim...

My assumptions about my FWH's thoughts were incorrect. I don't see how you could know..

The best thing that you can do, I think, is to continue to EXPOSE...to create SHAME...

Mimi - I was actually just reading that now. It helps - and to see some of Luna's thoughts are good too. I didn't read the entire thread, but will go back in a bit and read some more.

Thanks!

Kim

U know that Charmin commerical about 'less is more'? Well the less you communicate with the WS the more they will wonder. See, you are already doing it. W/o having to lift a finger.

Now future limited interactions (which there s/b some - re: bills, childcare, etc.) via 3rd party or directly if you choose....the point is to allow valid info t/b communicated but present yourself to the communicator's (if via 3rd party) of how well you are doing. Most WS' ask....it may take time for them to ask but they will.

Don't be anxious to see results. Especially in the case of WSH's...their reaction time is quite slow. Mine would go between 5 - 10 days before he would answer a simple question even if it was non-A related.

example:


[color:"blue"]BS: Need to know about the insurance arrangements. Did you get your own auto policy?

WS: Uhh..... I don't know.

BS: Let me rephrase that question, what have you done regarding your auto insurance?

WS: Uh.... I don't know.

7 days later....

WS: Where's my auto insurance? I can't get licsense renewed without proof?

BS: Oh.... well I asked you last week about it and you said you didn't know.

WS: Aren't you going to handle it for me?

BS: Me? You want me to handle getting a new policy for u with only your name on it? How would I do that?

WS: I don't know. I just know I need it now.

BS: Ohh.... u need it now. Well you can trip through the yellow pages and find a carrier..... or you can all my carrier.... you know the one you used to have.

WS: That's a lot of work and I need it now.

BS: Hm... yes it c/b a lot of work with all that comparison shopping..... BTW, where is that 'good friend' of yours (OW) who said she was gonna help you be successful? Why isn't she doing her 'job'? U aren't giving sex for free r u? Listen, I gotta go. [/color]

Well it went something like that..... yea I broke the rule and slid an LB in there but who cares??!??!? I was in plan B. For this type of communication, I choose not to have a 3rd party. The rest of his family was too frustrated with him so I did a limited communication.

L.

Orchid - I think this will be key to my sitch. I have to make sure my intermediarie's know I am doing GREAT. I don't think WH has asked at this point. It has only been 4 weeks. I might be meeting Sara for dinner Tuesday. That will be a great opportunity to let her see how I'm doing.

I liked your reverse babble convo - You might be aware that my WH has been asking me to refinance. I have already communicated to my inter. through e-mail that I was checking into other means to eliminate my cc debt and that WH should do the same.....He continues to ask. I wonder if he got the message.

Kim

If you stay dark, they implode!

Itis the truth!

Kim...btw, I have lost your phone number! please give me a call!

Also, you can make them LB by doing nothing at all...they have YOU as the common enemy ...

You never know what a WS is thinking. It is all about themselves...now one half of the cake is gone...and they wish to still devour all the cake they can handle...but they miss the cake they can't have...DO NOT GIVE THEM CAKE!

You just do not help them. You let them see via words (if allowed small communications) that you WERE SOOOOOO valuable as a spouse..that they can't get these things from their OP...but they did get them from you.

Voila Orchid! you go girl!

Hi Peachy -

I plan on staying as dark as possible. Hope he breaks at some point.

I will give you a call tomorrow so you'll have my #. How's your son??

Thanks Peachy!

Kim

Kim:

I'm concerned about your WH being able to come in and out of the house...

That means that you are NOT DARK...

He continues to be able to meet the DOMESTIC SUPPORT need and to capture memories of you when he comes into the house..

This will keep him from suffering and missing you as much as needed during PLAN B...

Hi Mimi...I think I read in earlier posts that her WH has threatened to not pay mortgage if he cannot come to the house.

And she has asked an attorney or someone and found that he can come to the home at anytime, she can't stop him at this point, unless and order of the court says he cannot. She is looking for an attorney for LS, and having a hard time finding one.

Lady

Ok. I understand...

Thanks, Lady....

Kim,

I think it's safe to assume that a WS, while BS is in PLAN B, continues to focus on me-me-me, but in addition, can now probably blame BS for problems encountered in fantasyland - because BS refuses to accept OW/A and to cooperate (no longer 'available'). Yes, I know, this may so inspite of the PBL, and saying otherwise in black and white, if it's the spin a WS wants to put on PLAN B.

.....until you hear otherwise!

PLAN B can be totally frustrating for a WS because it takes a BS out of their 'control' and can no longer be 'manipulated', as Mortarman keeps reminding us.

PLAN B is a long-term plan because there is so much to learn. With time and patience a BS can continue to grow and make change to be better equipped in general, whether it be for recovery of M, if it ever becomes an option, or for moving foward in life and another relationship. I know I can't make changes that quickly! I wonder if, even now, I move in and out of shock sometimes over the whole thing.

But by choosing to be in PLAN B, BS has already taken one step forward towards personal recovery - by taking ourselves out of the triangle and one step further away from the chaos!

My gut feeling about this thread? I wonder if it is another way to 'think' and focus indirectly about your WS. If so, keep in mind that a WS can say one thing one day and the opposite the next, because as many here point out, and Ark in particular, a WS is 'confused'. A BS taking themselves out of their lives may actually at least give WS a chance to face themselves/reality, or NOT.

PLAN B for me is like establishing the environment needed to stay away from WS (as at this time WS can only be a destructive and hurtful force in my life), and because willpower sometimes is just not enough.

I compare it to the challenges of trying to lose weight. For example, change in environment and some accountability can help, like not having 'junk' food readily available to tempt you = "WS", and having accountability = "MB Board".

Well, anyway, my seeing it this way is helpful to me. Don't know if it would work for anyone else. I am just putting it 'out there', as they say.

On the other hand, it may work for you and others (myself included) by satisfying this curiosity and having info./feedback from FWS...whatever it takes to move away from thinking from WS on to you, because I see this as being the biggest challenge: the shift in thought.... because even if you never see or speak to WS, WS is still in 'control' if a BS continually 'thinks' about WS.

I believe the most important thing about PLAN B is not to know anything about WS, directly or indirectly (by getting info. from others), and this shift will inevitably happen, sooner or later. Because BS, by no longer having any info. to 'work' with about WS, will shift focus by default.

Sorry, I do realize my postings can be long sometimes. With time, I hope to be short and to the point - I am just not there yet.

Luna & Mimi - Thanks so much for your posts on this. I do feel myself shifting more of the focus on me each and every day. I think less about WH & more about me. I think it is a process that we have to go through.....

BTW, Luna I don't think your posts are too long at all!! Each and everything you say has meaning so it is all worth reading!!



Yep, I am working on this. I have to get a few financial things in order and then will most likely be moving forward. I also have not found a lawyer that I want to work with. Many reasons for him to not come into the house!!!!

Kim