Can a married person have a friendship (with a member of the opposite sex?
Assume the other S knows about contacts, emails, lunches, etc.. and everyone knows everyone.. very well!!

I'm not getting that here in anything I've read.. and I've read a lot..
It seems as if all M-F friendships are doomed to an A, which I totally disagree with.. I understand the rules to a certain extent, about sharing intimate details, but that's what true friends do. I think if it's fine if you share the same intiacies with your spouse. You're simply looking for a different perspect4ive. Can't their be true M-F friendships without sex? Are we all that weak? I'm not.. Never have been and simply never will !! I have several F friends, most single, some married, that I would NEVER have sex with.. Just not interested and we have shared intimate things about each of our marriages, as true friends do..

Please confirm...

Thanks.

Can't their be true M-F friendships without sex?


yes

Oh please, I bet every WS and FWS on this site that had an affair with a 'friend' would tell you that you are so wrong.

Most affairs seem to start off with friendship and then EA and PA.

Come on, use your head. Read the site.

I find usually those that say never- do.

Wait, let me calrify this. You said you can see how it could happen if you share intimate details- then you say you share intimate details. Seems like you are setting yourself up to prove that you are above temptation.

Wow...so men and women can't be friends without it turning into an affair?

Pardon me while I step out for a moment, I have a couple dozen affairs to jump into...I'm WAY behind.

I'm sorry if I sound a little over the top...but I think it's not only possible, but essential to be able to maintain HEALTHY relationships....regardless of race, gender, creed, or religion.

He didn't say they were casual friends. He said they were sharing intimate details. There is a huge difference.

Neither did I.

Everyone defines their own friendships.

What level of intimacy you share, defines what kind of friend they are.

However, that doesn't mean that all opposite sex friendships should remain casual.

I believe that some people have easily defined boundaries, I think this is even more effective as people get older.

Maybe when we're in college... friendships often do cross boundaries.

But as we get older, I think we become capable of a lot more.

I NEVER would while I was married.. period.. sorry my friend. I'm a man of great conviction and would never betray a friend, let alone my spouse..

So you only have friends of the same sex?? Isn't that a bit limited and sheltered? You can't control yourself or something? I don't get it. When you go out with other couples, I suppose it's only girls with the girls and guys with the guys.. How boring..

I have straight friends, gay friends, priest friends, email friends on the other side of the globe, CEO friends, plumber friends, work friends, childhood friend... heck, I'm even friends with my ex and my wife and her are becoming friends...

Why is it wrong and why do you think I'm naive for asking if it is or if MB says it's wrong..

AMEN brother...

or sister..

;-)

You can both think I am niave, but waterman, didn't your ws and her op start out as friends. I bet you never thought that would happen either, did you? Wait, you said in another post you didn't think it would happen as you even helped her hook back up with him.

Yes, you can have friends- but not intimate friends where you tell intimate details to. Have you read His Needs/Her Needs or surviving an affair? Have you read not just friends?


Your intial post was discussing an intimate friendship- not like the guy that cuts my hair where we chit-chat. Not, like the husband of a friend where we get together as couples and talk about movies or politics. You are discussing intimate details of your marriage with a person of the opposite sex.

I hope you don't have an affair, but you should take every precaution to guard against it. Not having intimate friendships with persons of the opposite sex is on of the ways that is recommended as a precaution.

I don't think your niave. Not at all, I'm not personally familiar with your sitch, but if this is something that occured for you, or someone you know, I can understand why the guard is up.

I've read and am pretty familiar cover to cover with HN/HN, SAA, NJF, The Five Love Languages...the list is endless...as I too built up my arsenal of affair reading material upon DDay.

However, reading NJF... I passed the test...and yes indeedy...we are just friends. Who knew? Well I knew of course.

I've been in situations that have escalated, and can easily spot if someone is crossing a boundary.

One of my best friends...VERY best friends...is a guy... (I'm a gal waterman).... we are profoundly intimate. We dated many years ago.... after becoming friends. It moved to another level, and another level, and about 6 years into the back and forth, we realized that a committed relationship wasn't what our relationship was meant to be.

We've maintained our friendship to this day.

Oddly enough...you made me just realize..that even if OUR friendship, would appear a "threat" to our marriages....wouldn't it turn out that was not the case at all. His W ended up having an A with her coworker and ended up leaving for the OP... he's now happily remarried....that was over the course of the last 5 years I guess? My H ...ended up having an A with some chick he met on the internet.

I think there's a lot more to the "right ingredients" for an A to happen.

It's what in the rest of the soup...not just ONE thing.

KWIM?

If you're so strong, why do you even have to ask, Waterman?

If you see everyone here as weak (i.e. all these non-marital relationships doomed to sex), then you're not going to respect any of our replies anyway. So why seek confirmation here? Go talk with a bunch of "strong people" like yourself.

I suspect you're feeling guilty because there are some intimacies you've shared with another woman which you realize your wife would truly be hurt or embarrassed to learn about you sharing.

If that's the case, then just stop sharing those intimacies. You can have a buddy of the opposite sex and ping difficult thoughts off on another, but it's possible to cross a line, and it has *nothing* to do with hopping in bed.

I know. My wife's currently having an emotional affair, and she's Miss Strong, like you are. She's In Control of all boundaries. However, I know what she talks about to him, and it crushes me that she says it to him and not me.

If this isn't your case, and you're truly Mr. Strong, then ignore me and just drive on. Good luck.

My W is ok with me having female friends... I don't see them THAT often but again, I would NEVER cheat on my wife.. I would leave first and then pursue it.. There are male and female perspectives.. and I value both.. I don't look for SEX with friends.. I look for friendship.. male or female.

I posed the question for good reason and wasn't trying to present a holier-than-thou persona.. I was simply asking what people thought about it since I recall seeing something on MB that this was a basic premise..

Relax.. I wasn't attacking you.. Just trying to get some thoughts flowing, which is what this board is for, right?

And I respect MANY people posting here.. just not you right now... ;-/

Hmm, waterman, how old are you?
20-29
30-39
40-49

Just wondering.

TOP TEN ABSURDLY IRONIC THINGS HEARD AT THE "MARRIAGE BUILDERS" FORUM

NO. 7:
"I would NEVER cheat on my wife... I would leave first and then pursue it.."

don't worry waterman... as Robin Williams said, I'm not laughing AT you, I'm laughing AROUND you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

back again waterman.

I read your post about your wife's PA and EA. After what you wrote, the pain you and your wife experienced, how can you believe that opposite sex friendships depend on strength of character to keep them from sliding into affairs? The only way to prevent that is, as you wrote, to keep everything totally open, not hidden. And even then, that kind of friendship can drive a wedge between a couple.

I speak from painful experience. Our divorce is going forward after roughly an 8-10 year EA my H had with a Best Friend. They didn't have sex, of that I could bet my life. Yet knowing his feelings for her, I couldn't tolerate his coldness toward me any more.

You want to open dialogue, to explore ideas. Posters here who have been hit by emotional infidelity know the slide downward toward dissolution of a marriage and breakup of a family.

Were you playing Devil's Advocate?

40-49

not about age, trust me.. about where I come from..

they weren't friends.. she loved him and they dated before we were married and she felt as if the relationship was never totally ended.. It may have come out in her 12 years later as part of her psychosis... she's suffered with mental illness since childhood so who knows..

I was asking in general and not relative to my situation.. and after the fact, I can now see why everyone is piling on since I asked the question.

I'm not that stupid.. I'm just asking since even though I'm sufferning over an EA, I still am of the belief that mature people of the opposite sex can have frienships.. that's all..

That is pretty funny... I should have done stand up....

What I meant to say Meekslave is that I would only ever take up with another women AFTER the marriage was OVER... for good... and NEVER cheat on my wife.. If I met someone while married that I fell for, then I would have to leave/divorce before I could betray her. Is that better?

I'm just not wired for an affair or to cheat on anyone, let alone my S. I'm loyal to a fault.

******, I had 2 strippers willing to give me oral sex at a bachelor party many years ago and I said NO!! And no one would have EVER known (BUT ME) and them... That's true strength my friend..

Have you ever seen Scores (NYC) strippers?

;-)

I guess I was playing DA....

We both have the same friends, some men and some women, some married and some single, and we both use them for sounding boards...

We're lucky I guess.. We are also open... about everything,, My S calls me every time she has a desire to call the OM.. It's an addiction... just like heroin..

You are right about one thing.. the wedge that is.. As long as she harbors any feeldings for the OM, we can never be 100%.. Maybe the outcome will come down to what I'm willing to accept as a full relationship.. Does anyone ever really have 100% of their S's heart.... really??