DKL21

I'm a little bit confused about whether or not I should appear to be anything other than what I am feeling like. And I would like some advice on this.

What I have read so far on these posts is that WW does not want to see BS to be needy, desprate and emotional. Yes I know your pain. I am all of those above mentioned and that has made my WW to leave. This is how you should appear confident, strong, you can live with out WW on your own happily, but I would prefer to life with WW. This is a preference. I don't need WW. I am a complete person who can and will beloved. And if you can do this with a good plan A (SH'S plan) WW will not be able to refuse you.
Yes this is easy to say but time and a lot of patiance is what is needed.

You can and should share your true feelings with us, we understand them. Show your best side to your friends and people that will pass on the improved DKL21 to WW. So you are trying to run and ad campaign and you need to reach the right clients which is people that are in contact with WW.
But this campaign should be done in a clever way, don't tell what you have improved but show them ¨as a matter of fact¨ type of thing. Do not force it down on the friends.

My WW is only mixing with OM. No contact with BS, family or friends. I have no chance with this ad campain. Well I have but the results will reach WW when she starts to come around. So only patiance and time will tell. I will start the calls, and letters. I read again that Carol post this morning.
Stay strong DKL21.

Van.
You could also tell us what self improvements are you making. So we can see if you are on track with plan A.

DLK21

What's up? Have not heard from you, how are you?

Van

Hello Van,

I'm story for the interruption. I've been communicating fairly extensively with my ww. I've been trying to get her to read HNHN. She left with a copy three weeks ago. She's not reading it at all. I believe I'm putting the buggy before the horse. She does not want to be in love with me. She is infatuated with OM. Until I get her to want to even explore this possibility of her wishing to be in love with her husband things are not moving foreword. I believe my Love Bank Account with her is increasing readily. We are now easily phoning each other. The calls are rather friendly and that is quite a relief for me, and I'm sure for her two.

I seem to be making some headway. Our communications are much friendlier now. Of course I'm keeping any criticisms to myself. I'm even withholding any mention of her OM. I hope she doesn't get the feeling that I'm OK with her A. I'd like to get information on how things are going between her and OM. It is too awkward for me to ask her. I have no real source of information on this. Should I ask her?

I understand what you said about appearing strong and taking good care of myself. It has been three months since D-Day and I'm very tired. It is passed midnight here so I'll hit the sac.

Take care Van.

Yes DLK21

Well to me it sounds that things are better for you and moving. Slowly but surely I hope and this makes my happy for you.

I'm even withholding any mention of her OM. I hope she doesn't get the feeling that I'm OK with her A. I'd like to get information on how things are going between her and OM. It is too awkward for me to ask her. I have no real source of information on this. Should I ask her?

I would not ask about the OM until WW brings OM up. I have a lot of questions but if WW would answer them it would be lies so I would leave it for now.

I have a feeling I am loosing this battle. WW does not answer me or there is no contact of any friendliness. At the moment it is getting worse between us. I which I could be on friendly terms with WW.

Did you go thru this stage as well seeing that you are 3 months down the line?

Van

Hi Van,
Don't be too afraid of her present reactions. It has been my personal experience that my WW's anger was short-lived, a few days to a couple of weeks. There is a good reason for this. Essentially, she doesn't have a moral reason to uphold her anger, she probably feels guilty for what she is doing to you.

I understand what you are going through. I find it very hard to navigate this situation. My will and her's are going in opposite directions. My WW did not ask me to sell the house but she did ask me what I was going to do with it and when. She was already in the distribution of the goods of our marriage. I explained to her that I was in shock and far from ready to make major decisions like that. Essentially I told her that I was taking some time for the dust to settle. That is true. I've learned so much in the past weeks that I don't see myself selling this place for the moment. In my situation, one of the emotional needs of my WW identified that I needed to attend was financial security. So I have taken it upon myself to pay for everything in the house. She has her own pace that she plays herself.

I have a window of opportunity in my interactions with her. She likes my attention now. In some perverse way I think it makes her feel less guilty for her A and leaving me. To me that is a negative side effect. I believe my Love Banking is rising but this has to increase substantially if she is to which to return to me and leave the OM. I'm very far from that.

Today and brushing up on her emotional needs; I'm trying to identify them more clearly to see where I would have the best impact in showing change and pleasing her.

I'm also figuring out how to interact with friends and relatives. I'm trying to express myself in away that clearly states devastating I find this situation while at the same time not accepting any responsibility for her affair, her leaving me and also at the same time not Love Busting been my way of expressing her behavior.

DLK21

DLK21,

I have WW family contacting me a lot so I have that support. WW uncle, mum and sister. They are really mad at WW because WW father walked out on them when they were small and WW never forgave him. But I think I have good and bad days with the anger. I have told them that when this A breaks up WW would need all of their love and support because it will happen. I told them that even if she does not want to try to save the marriage we still have to be there for WW and WW would not let me help so it is up to them.

Well I am trying to let family understand that WW is in the fog. And they should not walk out on family with an addiction. I don't need their sympathy I need their understanding. Sympathy can backfire, blood is thicker than water type of thing.

I'm also figuring out how to interact with friends and relatives. I'm trying to express myself in away that clearly states devastating I find this situation while at the same time not accepting any responsibility for her affair, her leaving me and also at the same time not Love Busting been my way of expressing her behavior.

DLK all the friends and relatives will know that you are devastated. Yes you should express that you are hurt but don't push to hard or they will feel uncomfortable and that you need their sympathy. So when they speak to your WW it would be easier for them to talk about how caring you are even if she hurts you that much and that you are still willing to fight for her. We have no children so we need as many people to guide WW back to us. You did create the circumstances for the A so you have that responsibility which should be mentioned.
*yes I have created the circumstances but I did not cause the A* Else they would think you are turning them against WW.

Van.
If anyone thinks I am wrong please feel free to help me. I am new with no positive results as yet and should not be giving any advise.

DLK21

Christmas is coming and I don’t know how to handle it. I’m feeling ashamed. I want to contact my in-laws and tell them it is wrong for her to present him as her new man and spend Christmas with him. I feel like such a looser. They will at best hear my side and get my WW angry. I think I’ll call Steve on this.

They are not contacting me. I think they are respecting my WW on her decisions. I think I’ll call my mother in law to see what is up. She will repeat every single thing I say to her to my WW so I must not see her as a friend.

A little update,
She is listening, but doesn’t get it. My love bank account with her is low, at least not in the red, but far from love. I’m taking chances, pushing it. I seem to believe I can talk her back into leaving him and coming back to me. I’m dreaming. I can only, maybe, care her back. I must take care of myself also. I’m there for her if things go wrong with OM.

I think she wants me to be doing fine so she can tell herself and others that what she is doing is not so bad, and in her mind, for the best. But I’m doing so poorly. I feel so lost. I hate all of this.

I miss her so much. I’m so lonely.

DLK21

Dlk,
I might not have a chance to speak to you before next year. I hope you will be ok during this time when WW is in your town. I know what you are going thru. Try to put it out of your mind that OM is with WW when you see her again else the LB might take place.
Thanks for the chats we had. Me and WW is now only working/ talking thru lawyers. I told you I expect the fog to come back big time after I spoke to DW for a few minutes.

Take care and a merry xmas!
Van

In response to Shattered05 on her thread.

Shattered,
Thank you for your response. My in-laws are disappointed but they are rolling along with it. They believe that they have no choice. Most said things like, keep in touch, and are asking how I am doing. But I have had little contact with them because WW will be told everything I say and frankly I feel terrible these days. So I’m gathering strength on my own and keeping to my friends who are supportive of my endeavour. I got in-laws gift for Christmas and, at the request of my WW, I’ll only be giving them after she has left town to go back to that small city.

As for the OM. He works in a small town but does work shifts ;. I have been able to have nice and long conversations with my WW during his absences, EN C. I wish I could find really important needs that I can fulfill. As for EN Affection: I try to show her that I’ll be there for her no matter what (that is bizarre in this situation of infidelity). I contact her one way or an other every day and show I care.

She like being complimented on her appearance.

Somehow, as my Love Bank account increases with her, I feel that her guilt could be “used”. I feel that at least I should not shield her from the consequences of her behaviour. The stick of plan A. But I see your point of view.

I’m having lunch with WW tomorrow. This is extraordinary. I hope she has not offered me this as a meeting to work out a separation. I told her I had gifts for her. (I have 4 small ones).

I’ll be posting this in my thread so as to not high jack yours.

Merry Christmas S.

DLK21

My WW wrote that she is not feeling well, her moral has been low for over a week.

I’d like to say “I told you so” but I’m looking for something more sympathetic… and yet I’d like her to realise that this could be the back lash of her being with the OM. We are talking, at least emailing every day. Any suggestions? Anybody? This could be a breakthrough window to save our marriage.
I’m thinking emotional needs.

DLK21

I guess you could tell her that you are sorry to hear that, and is there anything you could do to help. Let her know that you care about her, and hope that she can pull out of it.

Believer,
Thanks for the suggestion, I sent her a message in that frame of mind and she did call back to my voice mail asking for help with a car insurance problem, her car got hit in a parking lot.

Is it better to Email or to leave voice mail to re-establish contact with a WW? I love hearing her voice. I’m thinking of using all available channels of communications.

DLK21

Update.
Things are basically really tuff. They are better I think but we have no real agreement.

I receive sporadic contact over the last few weeks and replies to my emails and phone calls, i.e. 1 or 2 a week, but I don’t have a real conversation with her. This is not the quality of contact I would like but it is better than 2 months ago when she was trying to NC me.

I still feel desperate to have my W back and needy with anger at her at times and anger at OM. I still feel horrible that she is with OM. I feel really lonely. I miss her. I am finding it hard to concentrate and even harder to find a sense of priority and balance. I’m so late in a lot of chores and responsibilities; they seem so secondary to this tragedy.

I’m still working on my plan A to a WW that has left home moved out of town and is with OM most of the time. I have achieved to break her attempt at NC from me but I hope not too much at the expense of her thinking I am not struggling with her A. I don’t want to facilitate her A.

dlk21

WW called back at noon yesterday Friday. I gave her the insurance information. I inquired about how she is feeling. gave her advice about a neck problem she is having. She appreciated it. More Love Unites for me.

She thanked me for the beautiful pictures of our house with the Christmas decorations. Again more Love unites.

We talked about snowboarding (a common interest).

I can’t ask but most likely she is still far off on the other side of the fence.

I just mentioned to WW that things are not well with me…I would like to be able to tell her how hard her A is on me. That I’m struggling but I don’t know if I even should.

I think she is starting her cake eating.

dlk21

Update
WW left a message on my voice mail. Says she wanted to talk and returned my attempt at talking to her at her house Sunday, yesterday.

I’m feeling confused, she really has warmed up to me. I read into that that she now likes talking to me. Okay, now what? Steve said that if she comes out of the fog she will be like that. I’ll keep my plan A up but I feel strange. I’m dealing with the fog, the A. I can’t tell her my frustration with her A and her utter lack of investment in our M in the past and leaving me and … That would have been my way of expressing my hurt. Now I know that would push her away into OM’s arms. Someday, maybe, I can say these things but when her love account with me is even better, for now she just likes me.

BTW a friend asked me if it was okay with me to invite WW (and OM ?!?) to a party I will attend since WW and I are in good terms… I thought to myself, we are not in good terms, she is in the fog of an A and cheating on me and I’m trying to show her a way home… People do not get plan A.

Dlk21

I asked my wife: “Wouldn’t it be the best if you were in love with me, your husband?"
She replied:
“Yes, of course it would be the ideal and also much simpler and less painful but I tried very hard you know. I don’t give up easily and marriage is an important sacrament for me but we cannot spend our lifetime trying and waiting that things get better while being unhappy in the present. It can be OK for a while but after 2-3 years of the same situation, we must move forward. We both want a family and many other things, we do not have 10 years ahead of us to realise these projects and so we must take a decision at a certain point. That is what I did.

You will always be an important person to me but I believe that we will be happier with other mates, who will understand us better and who will accept us as we are.”

I feel I should break the silence on this one and at least reverse babble this. Any suggestions?

I responded:
“Thank you for sharing this with we dear WW. I’d like to ask you, before thinking that your decision to leave me for OM is the best decision and the fastest way for us to be happy, don’t you think it would be wise, being the intelligent person that you are, to at least find out about what it would take for you to be truly happy and in love with your husband?
In the crisis that we are going thrue, I found things that have realy opened my eyes and I believe that that it is probable for us to be happy together. I would like the opertunity to show you these things.
How about it? “

I'm waiting for an answer from her.

My question is what if she says OK? I think I'll invite her in a call with Steve.

Great job of babbling, Dlk.

I hope she does respond and you get that phone call counciling with Steve.

Oops, sorry, I mean reverse babbling,lol.