I finally got the nerve up to approach xwh about the different questioneers on, personal history, emotional needs and lovebusters.
He said clearly he will not fill those out, and that he doesn't like things crammed down him throat. I told him I wasn't cramming it down his throat, and had held off asking him to do these with me for a couple of months now.
I went ahead and filled out mine, and told him he could read them if he wanted to know about my concerns and what are my most important needs.

My question is, how can I respectfuly ask him to fill these out?
How did you ask your w/s to fill these out???

Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak

That's a good question. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ask him exactly what he is willing to do to help your marriage recover frm the damage of his affair. I would just ask him for a specific plan of recovery and see what he comes up with. Have you left any books lying around for him to look at? Would he take that bait?

Also, do you think it would help if you back off and let him come to you in his own time? Often a WS is so initially detached that most overtures frm the BS are unwelcome because he is detached.

Melody, my impression of my husband is that he thinks we should ignore the past and just move on.
Melody I have so many books that are just lying around, he clearly thinks I am trying to educate him and definately does not want anything to do with this. Like I said, I have not had any relationship talks with him or asked him to fill out the questions for the past two months. I don't make the mistake of saying I Love You to him, he just wants to act like the EA never happened.
I don't think it will matter whether I back off or ask again, I think the answer will be the same, unless there is somehow I can word it where he realizes we need help. That winging it, doesn't work.

Maybe you could ask him to fill out the EN questions "so I know how to meet your needs, honey." Don't push the fact that your needs need to be met as well. Maybe if he will do it for that reason, then sees you making an effort to meet those needs, he'll decide to meet yours, too.

just a thought

I'm a little depressed now too, he just came home after being away for four nights at a leadership class, and now he is heading off for a week to our friends house in the next state.
I am really feeling neglected and upset. He is still into the me, me, me things, that don't include me.

He did take me and ds and ds's girlfriend to dinner for ds birthday the other night. That is the first time I have been to dinner with xwh since May. This was a good step.
It is so hard when he doesn't speak. I also feel like he is avoiding me, I might be wrong, he is pleasant when he comes into a room, but it seems like he is spending a lot of time tinkering with stuff that is not anywhere I am.

Are you telling him all this, kds?

No, Melody, I am not telling him this. I'm "conflict avoiding" big time. I knew he was going, I asked him nicely if he could wait until Dec. to go, then I would be able to go with him, but I don't fit into his plans. Both of his friends work during the day, and xwh goes to work with his friend during the day. So, that would leave me, with nowhere to go or anyone to be with. And xwh doesn't want to give up his time spent with best friend. I heard him on the phone telling best friends wife that I couldn't come, because I had school. Blah, blah, blah. He should have told her the truth, I could come but we would have to go in Dec. and xwh didn't want me to go.
But that would sound to harsh. Its funny, I was talking to xwh best friends wife, and we were talking about our husbands hitting the mid-life crisis. She was saying what a hard time he had when he turned 40, and she figured that when he hit 50's he would probably have an affair. (She knows nothing about xwh's EA) I was thinking to myself, if she only knew what my xwh has been up to.
I don't want to have this discussion before he goes, I don't want to say anything before he was going away. I will wait until he comes back. I am still on this see saw. He thinks everything is hunky dorry, but I'm not wanting to settle for what we had before the EA. I want more. I want love, respect, admiration and I will never settle for what we have right now. I guess I am wanting the quick fix of him saying he loves me, and its not happening.

Here's my suggestion:

1. Take the EN questionnaire twice. Once as yourself and 2nd time as him. Let him know that since he feels he is 'not capable of doing a questionnaire, you are doing it for him.' He will grumble or ignore you. Expect it. Now go fill it out and be amazed. LOL!!!

2. Go read up on plan B.

IMHO, he doesn't sound ready enough t/b worthy of being back in your family. May - Nov is a long time to only take his W to dinner 1 time.

He doesn't want to just ignore the A and move on, he wants to ignore you and move on.

Now go read up on plan B and Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson. Rebuild your courage in yourself. Stop being a conflict avoider and learn to move forward. Show the gap that is growning between the 2 of you and continue to move forward.

U need to rock his world. Let him know that you deserve t/b treated with respect, dignity, love and caring. Of course you must give him those in return.

My Xws did the same thing. I tolerated it for a while then put my foot down. Sat him down one day and said:

Orchid: Xws, can't say I feel good about the way you have been treating me. What will you do 'when' I start treating you the same?

Xws: I don't know what do you mean?

Orchid: U came back....you seem t/b satisfied with your needs being met. R U?

Xws: Yes.

Orchid: What do you think u r doing to meet our needs?

Xws: I am here.

Orchid: U think u r that great? Nope, we need more than your gracious presence.

Xws: What do you want me t/d?

Orchid: I gave you that book before, His needs/Her Needs.....go read it and figure it out. If you don't start showing some improvement...... we will have to rethink our current living arrangement. Your presence here is quite depressing to our family.

Xws: Where will I go?

Orchid: Not my problem. I have enough time and energy to take care of my family. You either step up to the plate or go find another place to live.

Xws: R U kicking me out?

Orchid: No, you are.

End of discussion. This scenario happened more than once in our home. Had to set the boundaries and reinforce them with plan B. The A appeared to have died but not really. There was periodic contact. The Xws was really a WS but with a better disguise. The lack of his wanting to take care of his family was a greater priority than ILY..... I went to plan B when I didn't feel safe.

By safe, I mean the Xws s/b making his family feel cared for.

JMHO,
L.

kds, mine was the same. Wouldn't talk about A, wouldn't have any discussions about relationship, wouldn't read anything I printed out for him, wouldn't go to counselling, just came back (1 night a week) and went on as if nothing had happened. Now I'm in plan B (as of yesterday). I'm with Orchid. If you've told him what you need and he's not trying to meet your needs, let him know he's not meeting them. Shake the tree and see what falls out.

Good luck.

Thanks Orchid and getting there,
Well there has been a development.
Although he refused to fill out the paper, I had gone ahead and filled out mine.


I was totally honest in my appraisal of how he was or was not meeting my needs in the emotional needs questions. I left it on his dresser.



Yesterday when I came home, xwh was extremely nice to me. He complimented me on how I looked, he opened the door for me, he gave me a neck massage while we were visiting MIL at her facility, he cuddled with me all night long, he gave me a kiss and hug goodbye, saying that he would call me while he was on the road, and then said how much he appreciated all the things I do.



Then he said, "I love you." I just layed in bed, in shock, I finally asked him, "Do you really love me?"
He replied, "Yes, I love you."



I have been waiting to hear those words for 5 months now, and I am still in shock.
I cried when he said that.



He is now on his way to his friend's son's football game in the next state, then he will be staying with them until next week when their team plays for the State Championship. I am still unhappy about xwh going, but am encouraged that he did read my EN questions and answers, and apparently he took them to heart.



I rated his openness and honesty my highest EN, and also said that he scored -3 on it.



I rated in this order,
My EN XWH Score
1. Honesty -3
2. Affection +1
3. Sex +3
4. Conversation +1
5. Recreation -3
6. Admiration -3
7. Domestic Support -1
8. Attractiveness +3



I was clear in what I needed in the paper, and although he never said he read the paper, I know he did because of his actions.



I know some of his behavior was forced, but I am going to have faith in Dr. Harley opinion that you should "fake it till you make it."



Its a start Orchid. Actually, its a leap. If he is open to filling some of my EN's then I guess there is hope that he will eventually fill out the questionaire. My xwh, does have a tendency to drag his feet at first, but he does listen, and after thinking things through will sometimes change his mind.


Maybe there is hope yet for our marriage.

KDS, I'm so happy to hear you FWH is coming around. You have been through alot and deserve to be treated better.

It sounds like things may be finally starting to turn around for you.

Keep up what you doing!

Thank you, HTW, I do have hope today, but who knows with this crazy life I am leading.


Life is truly like a rollercoaster. One day life is up and the next day, its down.

By the way, I made sure I looked drop dead gorgeous before I left for school yesterday, and I know I caught his eye. Just wanted him to see what he was missing for the next week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />