Mortar,

Hopefully the book will get her shortly. I'll ask her about talking with Steve tonight. She was all for it last night, but today is a new day, and I'm sure tomorrow will be another adventure to the Emerald City (i.e. OZ).

Withdrawl is what is happening, but I'm not sure she will receive the word "withdrawl". I have mentioned to her many times that this whole thing is like an addiction and of course she has hated that "word". So using the word withdrawl conjures up the notion of her being addicted. Of course we all know she was/is addicted, but she sees it as much more. The OM is only one factor here in her eyes. All the other stuff is still what caused this.

I did press her at lunch today about going back home to suckle on the fatted pig. I asked her who was there for her and when she mentioned so and so, I said they work too and have lives. How are they capable of "being there" for you. She then names another, and I say the same thing in that they have families too. See, she said that once my D goes to school she is home alone and that is when she got attacked. I said to call me, and she said I could not be there for her because I am at work. Well dear I said, so are the rest of your friends back home. That is except her mother. She is the only one my W could mention that could be there for her every minute. So hopefully, I gave her something to think about.

I reasured her that this was totally normal and everyone goes through this because it involves change and making some different choices. I told her I would be there and she could call me. She called our pastor and called the MC and set up an appointment for 6:00 tonight.

I also said during lunch that if she wanted to go back home, she is perfectly welcome to leave. I'm not going to try and stop her. She was really pressing me to give in to the notion that what I did with the kids and sending her the plan B letter was totally wrong. Basically saying that if I didn't feel that the kids and I wronged her, then no recovery is possible. I held my ground and just said I thought it best that she use the plane ticket and go back home. Didn't say that I was going to repent of my actions, but it was clear with my silence and telling her she should go back home, that I wasn't going to "repent" of telling the kids or sending the letter. The way I feel is that I have nothing to repent of in that matter. I did what I thought was right and what the counsel thought was right. Of course, she always says the counselors are not god, but then I always chime back in with, why go to them if you are not going to follow what they counsel?

Anyway, it is one day at a time, and if I can get her to talk with Steve, I'm sure it will help. I'll know more after her session tonight.

Her immediate family has now betrayed me, so I am sort of out on a limb. Pray that God will give me the wisdom to combat her verbal attacks along with love and patience.

p47d

The instability in my FWW at this phase was simply amazing. She changed direction hourly. There were thoughts of suicide and even a couple of half-hearted (I think) attempts. Calls to OM. Lies upon lies about everything, even things not A related - things for which the truth would have served her better, even. Tirades one minute and abject sorrow the next.

It's a Cat 5 hurricane in the dark of night, P47.

So, you are not in Plan B any more huh? Bet you wish you were.

It even gets more difficult later. You have yet to enter the eye of your own hurricane of emotions. You are still in the steely eyed coping stage. Your own anger and insecurities will peak at about six months.

You will become the real threat to your M yet. That's why it is best to distance yourself as much as possible from her tirades. As much as you don't believe it right now, what she does and says during this time will haunt you for a long, long time – for as long as the A itself will.

With prayers,

Aphelion:


>You will become the real threat to your M yet

Well, I already feel like that now! Of course W is just throwing anything on the wall at this point to see if it will stick. I can't imagine what it or I will be like in 6 months if these intense mood swings continue.

I know that based upon history, that it should get better if we can stay in counseling and if she stays willing to keep moving forward. And, it is just not the A, but it is also her fam and her best friend. She is addicted to her best friend even more than the OM! She knows this and we have talked about this, so I'm just not fighting the OM and all that A stuff, but her relationship with her best friend and the rest of her fam. She is also modeling or has seen her future of a busted M in her best friends family. Several of them have been married several times and appear "happy" so she thinks that they have been able to move on and be happy, so why can't she? Of course, I have said that you don't know deep down what is really going on with them or their M, so you have no idea if they really are happy or regret the path they have taken. Not only that, but her best friend's H was married before and now since they are happy, why can't she do the same thing? But, she fails to take into account that her best friends H got divorceed because his W was a drug addict! So, in reality it is still just a lot of fog. That is why I am trying to get her to distance herself from this fam!

Then her mother is a widow and after 7 years can barely cope. She has received no counseling over the years, so she is alone and needy. So, she probably sees this A and all our M troubles as a way to get her daughter back and be with her. Sure, she will feel bad that the M would die, but at least she would have someone to cry with.

So, it is just not the OM. There are other things at play too. Part of the reason we moved was becasue of these other issues. Now, it appears that W has been in withdrawl from these too, and finally can't cope any longer.

I will press on. I have to. Regardless of the outcome, my life will go on. I started Plan B and knew it was the right thing to do because I felt I could handle it. I now have to carry those same thoughts of making it throughout this process. Like Mortarman said, it is not a sprint, but a marathon.

thanks for the advice.

p47d

Friday AM

Last night was better. W saw MC for 2 sessions back to back and came away with a really good feeling. We talked till 11:00 just about stuff.

She really wants to go and see my son in hopes of patching things up. Basically she is looking for an apology from him for the way he spoke to her. Not sure if that will happen to her satisfaction, but she feels she has lost the kids and needs for them to hear her side of the story.

She wanted to go alone (8 hour drive) but I said that I would feel better if I came along. Not to butt in but to keep her company in the car and on Saturday night because my son already has plans and won't be around. That would leave the W alone for the entire evening. We already had a huge cell phone bill and I'm afraid to leave her alone at this point. But this also causes problems with my daugher being left alone at home.

W will be working to make sure she has a place to go during her school lunch time, but in an emergency, she can still stay at home. It is only two nights.

Surviving an Affair came yesterday and I began to read it and am wondering if it is a good idea for her to read it too seeing that it discusses Plan B in there and I'm not sure she is ready to find out she was plan B'd? Any thoughts on that?

She did call this morning and was upset again. Said she was not having a good day but she would talk to me later. I am now wondering if she does not need some medication to at least take the edge off these huge swings with her emotions.

Anyway, at this point, it looks like I am off with W to let her speak with her son about this whole thing and get some things straight with him about her feelings and position.

I just don't want to leave her alone for long periods of time.

p47d

Medication is good. Suggest this to her, that it will help.

When she goes up and down...just listen to her, okay? she has to have someoen to vent to, to express her anger, fear and pain. You need to be that guy. But, just like i nthe birthing room when a wife yells out all sorts of obsenities about her husband...you need not take anythign she says right now personally. she is in withdrawal and the pain is severe!

Dont worry about your kids, they understand what is going on (I would still get them to read SAA and His Needs, Her Needs...it will help them understand this and understand what they will need in their own marriages...as the spiritual leader of your family, this can be a great opportunity to set them up ahead of their own marriages with the right realizations and expectations).

Now, on her reading SAA. Sure, let her read it. My wife did early on after D-Day. She saw much of us in the examples there. It was seeds planted in her mind, just as was the information on recovery and that our marriage could survive. Did it work right away? No. But the seeds were laid.

And yes, she saw the stuff on Plan B, etc. who cares? She would say in the affair things like "What are you doing, Plan Bing me?" And even if I was Plan Bing her, it didnt matter is she knew it or not. The reality is that Plan B, or Plan A or exposure, or any of this other stuff works regardless if they know about MB principles or not.

So, get into talk with Steve. You need that plan. Your wife needs that plan. Have herread the book and understand that Steve and his family are behind all of this stuff. She will be able to trust Steve more...which means she will be able to trust the plan he comes up with more.

The book will show what is happening and will happen to her. That way, the pain of withdrawal and recovery wont be so hard. And she will understand that this is normal and that she will get thru it.

So, get busy on this stuff. Help her out. As I said before, you get to do all the work in the beginning!

In His arms.

Thanks Mortar.

She was down this AM which is expected. I only wish I had some of my meds left over but I think I threw them away. Anyway, there is no time to do that today as we will be leaving shortly (I hope).

I will take the book along and maybe she will read it with me.

As for Steve, I'd love for her to talk with him, but our MC told my W last night that it would be unethical in his opinion to see two counselors at the same time. We would not want to play one up against the other. I may get her to talk with Steve once, but we wil see. Our current MC is half the cost. Yea, yea I know it's only money, but I am not rich and we are going into debt to pay for all this counseling.

Anyway, this will prob. be my last post for the weekend unless something drastic happens and I don't go along for the ride to visit my son.

p47d

Good luck this weekend. Limit relationship talk! Ask your wife if she could limit any relationship talk to let's say, thirty minutes. Then if there is more to say, it can be addressed earlier. Long drawn out discussions will help no one.

Spend most of your time on good things, talking about other stuff. Just try to enjoy each other's presence. You may have to bite your lip some when she makes comments. Just let it go. Just say "honey, not right now with that, okay? What do you say we stop up ahead and get a bite to eat?" Limit the discussions on the relationship, divert the conversation to something else. Have afew topics stored up that you can pull out to divert her to. "Let's talk about all of this later, okay? Hey, what do you think about all of these hurricanes we had this year?"

Let her talk. Let her get comfortable. it has to be okay for her to talk and tell how she feels around you, or she will clam up and then she will go elsewhere. You want her to regard YOU as her best friend. She will get there if you let her lean on you.

In His arms.

Update as of Monday AM

At this point, this is no longer a rollercoaster but an elevator that is out of control going down.

W is at the point where R is now not possible due to my revealing her A to our children (19 and 18). She cannot get past this hurdle and the fact that she now feels like she has to fight for her children which becomes impossible becasue I have brain washed them.

Since I told them first, this somehow gave me homecourt advantage and she is left trying to make up ground with her side of the story.

Compounding the issue is the fact that my children are still holding their own despite my W's efforts to shed light on what she says are the real facts. These real facts are such that I am still the cause of the whole thing. If I hadn't failed to meet her EM's, this would never have happened, so therefore, I am to blame, totally. My son pressed her to tell him exactly what was not true that I had told them, and she could not identify anything.

My W has now gone as far as revealing issues in our relationship that go back 28 years! My son was told some pretty negative stuff this weekend about me with the sole intent to try and prove her point that I have been failing her for some 28 years now. Basically, it fell on deaf ears. My kids have reiterated that they don't care what I have done in the past and that they see it as what is now needed for the future and are we willing to work to fix things. The point my son continued to make was how long mom would you work to fix things or is there a set time limit? She told him she could not commit to any set time and that she would not live the rest of her life trying to fix the M.

We visited my son this weekend with the sole purpose being that W would have a clear shot at telling my son her side of the story. I would not interfer which I agreed. Since my son is some 500 miles away, our entire trip was spent with W crying and telling me that things are no longer repairable becasue I did this cruel thing to her. Deep down she is wanting me to admit that I did something totally wrong, but I refuse to go there. So, for 7 hours, my W battled, only in a car, you cannot go anywhere but just sit there and listen to her say the cruelest things. Oh, did I mention the 8 hour return trip?

She now says that it is impossible to repair due to my telling the kids. She sees no purpose in telling them and has pressed me why I did it and who helped me make the decision. I told her that I bounced the idea off of several people including 2 MC's (including Steve Harvey) and they both agreed that it was time. But I did say that regardless, it was a decision I had to make and take full responsibility for.

So, W will never speak to Steve Harvey because he advised me to tell my kids. She is also thinking of breaking off with our local MC because he told me it was time to tell the kids. When I brought up this board, she just laughed. When I said I had bounced several ideas off members here, again, she just laughed. My W had actually spoken with one former WW from this board and said that she did not appreciate her tone with her and that she only had one side of the story, of course.

It now appears to come down to this. Since I told my kids without her knowledge or permission, that now makes it impossible to repair the M. I have now brainwashed my children and basically anyone else I have spoken to because if she cannot get her side of the story in, it is strictly one sided.

One fact she fails to remind herself of is that she initially told her family what was going on. Now, did her family call me and ask me for my side of the story? No! So when after some 3 months I finally decided to call some of them and tell my side of the story, it now appears to her that I am trying to use her family against her. She also fails to realize that this whole A balances on her notion that I drove her to this. This A is so counter to her personal moral and religious standards that she had and has to spin it in a way that makes me out to be the sole cause. Yet, when I attempt to stick up for myself by talking to her family or even to people in here, it is seen as me only telling one side of the story.

So, she is supposed to have another counseling session on Tuesday, and I'm sure she will go, but after that, it is anyone's guess. There are no plans for any joint counseling since she will never speak to the Harleys and she now is getting restless with our current MC.

My son is supposed to visit T'day, but now my W has decided that it is better that she return home and be with her family instead of with me and her children. My son told her that it will feel funny with her being there and she admits that they might not want her there at this point, so she is thinking that it is in everyone's best interest that she spend the time with her brothers and sisters. I would hate for her to blow a gasket again on T'day, so she is leaving. I told her she might want to think about packing all her clothes and just staying there! I told her is was abundantly clear that she did not want me and did not want to be hear any longer. So, why not just leave?

This has now not even become hard work. It is now seemingly impossible. I still have faith that things can be worked out, but she simply cannot get over the issue with our kids. And it is not so much telling them, but that they have not responded in a positive way to her. So, she is using their lack of acceptance as a tool to pound me into submission. The sole intent of her returning was to win her children back and to file for divorce.

Another chilling aspect of this is that she cannot fathom that if we do D, that I will no longer want to see or talk to her! She cannot understand why we couldn't remain friends! I told her that it would be nothing personal and I wouldn't hate her, but that the pain would be to much for me to take so I would avoid any contact, forever.

She has also continued to harp on the fact that millions of christian couples do this and get on with their lives. When I asked for specific examples, she could produce only one, her best friend that happens to be married to a man twice D'd! So, her model is her best friends family since the OM is a relative of hers. This family has numerous D's and one other member has now been married 3 times. Yet, my W defends the OM as coming from "good stock"!

So, this whole revelation last Tuesday of restoration has been nothing but a sham. Once the shock of finding out the children know has passed, the real fog has again set in and the addiction has begun to pull and pull.

I am quickly becomming very cynical becasue we simply keep going in circles. I am willing to try and to make amends in my own life, but every man has his limits.

p47d

Chin up - things are going exactly as they should. Please don't tell your wife things like she can pack her things and stay gone. Right now she is probably very ashamed and so the anger is coming out. But that is normal.

Your Plan B is falling apart. Plan B is supposed to protect your love for her. Please consult with the Harley's again about your next step. I see a lot of hope in your situation.

Not necessarily true, P47. You need to look at this strategically. see below.

She doesnt know what she is saying. She can get past it. Right now she is hurt and mad. The light into the fog hurts a lot. And now, there are two more beacons beaming in. I want you to continue to remember that WSs in the fog DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT! Ignore this stuff.

Blah, blah, blah. Fog babble! As if your kids are mindless robots. She doesnt have much faith in them and their decision making capabilities, does she?

I will say it again...you have some amazing kids!! They side with Christ and the truth. They will not be deterred. You should be VERY proud!

Good for your kids!! Great responses. And it continues to show your wife's rebellion from Christ. She is digging herself a hole here...a huge hole. Not only has she been in rebellion, but now she is actively trying to persuade her children that wrong is right and right is wrong. P47, the Lord is not going to allow this. You know that, right?

Tough on you for sure. Tougher on her! Can you see the pain in her? At this point, she is working this out in her head...and you get the pounding! All a part of the deal, I am sorry to say. Expect this for a little while longer.

Better answer to this question? How about "I did it because it is the right thing to do." And being impossible to repair? More fog babble. Ignore it.

My wife said the same thing about never talking to SH. And she has. Shoot, she even asked last night if she could talk to him again, as she has some issues she would like to get his call on. As we have all said before, when dealing with a WS in the fog, dont believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.

Ho, hum. The fog is thick, isnt it? Do not try to make sense out of nonsense.

Wow, you are good if you can brainwash all of those people. (sarcasm). P47, it does not come down to what she is saying. If your wife was an alcoholic and came home and said that hte marriage was over because you told people about her alcoholism, would you listen to her while she was in her drunken state? Of course not. There is no difference here.

A nice reverse babble to this (help me here Orchid) would have been "Honey, dont you think they needed BOTH sides of the story?!?!"

P47, you act shocked by this. Why? This is typical.

Just relax and wait, okay. The exposure is havign its desired effect. She is now having to deal with the fact that everyone knows she is wrong. So, let her deal with it.

Never ever ask her to leave or stay away unless you want a divorce. In a divorce, if she were to shack up now with the OM, she could say that you permitted her to leave. It wasnt abandonment. Stop this! You are about your marriage. If she leaves, it is because she decided to...100% her decision and her mistake.

Perfect! Then you are now closer to the solution that God will come up with. He always comes in when it looks impossible.

The first and second half of this statement dont jive. You have faith BUT she wont get over it. P47, you either have faith or you do not. If you have faith the God can and will help her get over it, then He will act. If you dont think she will get over it, then how can you have faith? You must pray and believe that God will do this. if you dont believe that He will...then He wont.

You dont know this P47. On the surface that may be correct. But who is in control here...her? Pulease. She hasnt a clue what she is feelign or doing. God is in control here...along with you since you are her head and you are following Him. Stop giving her more credit than she deserves.

I said it many times above and I will repeat it...she has no clue what she is thinking. It is the fog. Satan has blinded her.

And they are either not Christians or they are in rebellion to God. David did this with Bathsheeba. And God killed David's child with Bathsheeba because of it. Sure they got on with their lives. But that was a high price to pay, dont you think? My wife made these same statements. That other people had divorced and gotten on with their lives. But what kind of lives. Every divorced Christian I have met tells the back room story of the problems with their kids, with depression...with other issues. And while maybe they have been forgiven (if they are truly Christians), their life has not becoem what it could have been or should have been. And they know it!! I told my wife that the road Jesus asks us to follow is VERY narrow. It only permits one traveller at a time, it is that narrow. So when she says a lot of other people have done this and gotten on with their lives, I just tell her that they have taken the wide road...the one with many travellers...the one to destruction.

definitely not a Christian...or in rebellion to Christ. Great example, huh?

The fog babble dance!

Stop going into the fog with her. You have no idea what she is doing or about to do. She doesnt even know. It may not be a sham. She just may be starting to work thru these issues. Stop trying to be God and see the future. You know what you are to do, you know what your next steps are. Let God worry about the future.

Every man does have his limits. But with Christ, you have the power to overcoem those limits. I KNOW!!! There is no way I went thru what I did on my own power. Very shortly into Plan A, I was done. I had reached my limits. The fact that my wife and I are together today has nothing to do with Mortarman, except to say that I did allow God to use me and strengthen me. Shoot, I even got a tattoo around my right bicep (a recreation of the thorned crown that was put on Jesus by the Romans) to signify my position in my marriage and the pain I was going thru. It also signifies my commitment to Christ, no matter what happens. So, many days, I woke up and found I had no strength to continue this mess. I would walk to the shower, and while in the shower, I would see that tattoo. And I would recommit right there. Sometimes, I would pull up my sleeve several times a day and remind myself of my commitment. And when I did, I just prayed that Jesus would again, give me enough manna for today...and let tomorrow take care of itself.

P47, get off her rollercoaster. She has no clue. Dont you get fogged in too. Stay on message and on course. She will wake up to what you and your kids and everyone else is telling you. Give it some time and trust the Lord.

In His arms.

Mortar:

Thanks again for the post.

Just got off the phone with my pastor and he gave me some great insights and some of them were not to pleasant for me.

In talking to WW, he still believes that repentance has not happened and she is merely skirting the issue. I do feel that way and felt even though she supposedly came through last week, that she still was not the least bit sorry for what has happened. O.K. get on with it I say to myself.

Secondly, by telling my kids, he said I was technically correct, but that I might have done it differently. Basically, the ends does not justify the means. If my intent was to hurt her or manipulate her, then that is evil and wrong, but we do make mistakes in our decision making process and it is important to realize that we may have handled it differently. Says it happens to him all the time due to his position of leadership. If that is so, go to her and apologize. Then go to the kids an apologize to them that you should have used better judgment, and been more sensitive to hurting their Mom. Whether she accepts the apology is not your business, but at least I am clear with the Lord.

There's more to the discussion than that, but that is the jist of it. He also said that we should sit down with the MC and see what is up becasue he knows this MC personally and what she is saying that he supposedly has said does not make any sense since he knows him personally. Right now he said that W has a tendency to hear things and interpret them in a manner that is a positive for her. This is true because he said W took his neutral position on me telling the kids and turned it into a positive for her.

I will press on. I have to. I have no other choice at this point! I'm not going to give up.

thanks again,

p47d

Try and give your pastor some MB material. At this point, no WS's are remorseful.

P47D,

Listen to MM and others. You have her just where you want her, truely you do. She is very very much in conflict and that is a good thing. SHe is definitely NOT in withdrawal. By the way from my perspective you did the right thing telling the kids. Further, it is clear you gave them a rather accurate picture because all of your W's efforts to spin this has NOT worked on them. If there were holes in your side of the story, she would have a chance.

It is clear they love her, and perhaps you need to point that out to her. But, you have permission to quote my very own mother. She used to tell us kids when we were acting up: "I will always love you but I don't have to like you. So straighten up."

Your children will always love your W and she needs to hear that, but that does not mean they have to LIKE her or her behavior patterns. I sense plan B coming, but I think some more plan A is required.

I do think you can apologize to your W about telling the kids , but NOT FOR telling the kids. This is a subtle distinction. You ARE sorry this has hurt her, you ARE sorry that you felt this was needed to protect your family, you ARE sorry that she is hurt.

Do not include the obvious BUT... Clearly it is there, but you don't have to say it. It will make the apology real but you have not apologized for doing the RIGHT thing and you have. Your children needed to know the truth of why their life was being torn. They needed to understand what was and is happening. You could even tell her that you are very proud that they feel strongly that adultery is a bad thing, and that you are confident that they still love her inspite of what she has done, they just don't have to like it.

Hang in there, this is going better than you imagine.

God Bless,

JL

JL as usual is correct!

Your pastor said apologize if you told your kids because you wanted to hurt your wife. Nowhere have I ever read that this was a part of your motivation! So, as far as I can see, no apology is necessary.

You exposed because your marriage was moving into Plan B and the kids needed to understand why mom and dad were having no contact. They needed to knwo the truth. Added to that, the pressure your kids are exerting is very POSITIVE for the marriage.

So, Charlie Mike (which is what we say i nthe Army for Continue the Mission). As JL said, you cant see it right now, but you are very close to a break through...a real one.

Stay the course.

In His arms.

I believe your pastor is totally wrong for telling you to apologize to your WW for having told your kids about her A. You told your kids because you were about to implement Plan B and they needed to know what was going on with their lives. You did not do it out of spite.

If you apologize to your WW, rest assured that she will tell the kids about it and make it seem like you are in the WRONG. Your kids will feel betrayed by you and be reluctant in the future to take a strong stance against your WW’s immoral behavior if she decides to leave you to be with OM. I think what is happening is that you are getting tired of your WW's nagging and are inclined to just give in on this point. Don't! That would not only undermine your credibility with your WW--she would now know how to undermine your resolve on any given point--it would also lessen the respect your children has for you, as they would feel betrayed by you and be more inclined to accept your WW immoral behavior in the future.

Do not LB, but I don't think you should give in just to give in. To apologize for doing the RIGHT thing would only be a pyrrhic victory. You would lose much more than you would gain. And please note that apologizing to your WW will not get you any closer to getting your WW back than before, notwithstanding assertions to the contrary. If there is one thing I have learned from this forum, it is that APPEASEMENT never brings the WS back. Never!

>It is clear they love her, and perhaps you need to point that out to her

She has been told many times over the last week this very thing, not only by me but most importantly by my children. Like I said, because they are not reacting the way she wants or thinks they should, she therefore blames me because I had the advantage. But she has had plenty of opportunities to get message out and in fact, has done it face to face with my son where I only had the phone.

>I do think you can apologize to your W about telling the kids , but NOT FOR telling the kids. This is a subtle distinction. You ARE sorry this has hurt her, you ARE sorry that you felt this was needed to protect your family, you ARE sorry that she is hurt.

This is exactly the point my pastor was saying. You were correct in telling them, but you might have went about it the wrong way. The intent was to not hurt her at all.

p47d

Mortar:

>Your pastor said apologize if you told your kids because you wanted to hurt your wife. Nowhere have I ever read that this was a part of your motivation! So, as far as I can see, no apology is necessary.

No, no. I think you misunderstood. My pastor said if my intent was to hurt her or manipulate her, then that would be evil and purely sinful.

The issue is that many times we are correct, but it is how we deal with that correctness. Many would call it legalism. So, just as he said in his leadership role, he has upset many people with his decisions, he has come to realize that the end does not always justify the means, and he just asked me to examine my heart and see if there could have been a better way. Not that telling them was wrong, but that having to do it over, would you change anything? Wisdom here was the key word. And he emphasized that wisdom is needed and usually realized afterwards.

He did not say to apologize FOR telling the kids, but maybe there was a better method for telling them. One specifically where my W would not have been so hurt. Of course, from my point of view, I doubt there was a way in which my W would not have been hurt.

You see, my intent was to tell my W that I was telling the kids. This was supposed to happen when she called in reference to the plan B letter. In discussing the letter (our last contact) I was going to tell her that I was going to tell the kids. So, in this way, she would have had preknowledge and could have said something to them first. But when she got the letter, she followed it to the "T" and did not call. Next day, I let the bomb drop.

Again, I still feel I did the right thing, but was there another way? That is the question my pastor was throwing out.

He also mentioned that if indeed I felt there might have been a better way, I should go to my kids and apologize to them too. Again, not for telling them, but in the way that it was done.

I think he just wants me to make sure that what I am doing is totally motivated by love for my W and not motivated for a pound of flesh. If my motive is a pound of flesh, then it is totally off and sinful.

>Stay the course.

This ship does have a rudder!

p47d

I know, P47. That was what I was saying...that you didnt show any signs of doing this for those reasons. You showed every sign that the reason you did these things was because it was the right thing to do.

In His arms.

UVA:

>I believe your pastor is totally wrong for telling you to apologize to your WW for having told your kids about her A. You told your kids because you were about to implement Plan B and they needed to know what was going on with their lives. You did not do it out of spite.

Please read my previous replies and you will see that he did not say that I was wrong for telling my kids. Again, all he asked me to do was examine myself and ask could it have been done in a different manner to avoid hurting my W so intensely.

>If you apologize to your WW, rest assured that she will tell the kids about it and make it seem like you are in the WRONG. Your kids will feel betrayed by you and be reluctant in the future to take a strong stance against your WW’s immoral behavior if she decides to leave you to be with OM.

No, the issue again is not to apologize for telling the kids, but in the manner I so chose. And I have not made a decision on this anyway. Also, if I apologize to my W I will also apologize to my kids for the MANNER in which they were told, NOT for telling them!

>I think what is happening is that you are getting tired of your WW's nagging and are inclined to just give in on this point.

If that were the case, I would have given in yesterday after some 48 hours of grilling! I did not give in yesterday and don't plan on apologizing for telling my kids. I still think they needed to know. The issue now stands was it done in the most loving manner?

>If there is one thing I have learned from this forum, it is that APPEASEMENT never brings the WS back. Never!

I agree and know all about apeasement. Afterall, I DID move to plan B.

Based upon the information I had from her, her intentions were to leave me come June. Her intentions were not to work things out. Based upon those STATED intentions that had been repeated numerous times, and with the delivery of the Plan B letter, I knew it was time for my kids to know the truth.

So, I did the best I could under those circumstances and hindsight is 20-20, but if there was a better way to avoid her agony, then it might have been wiser to go that route. Again, the intent here is to NOT LB, but show that indeed I did tell the kids out of my love for her.

What's done is done now, but that in and of itself does not necessarily make it right. I DID do the right thing by telling the kids, but was it the right way?

p47d

Yes.

In His arms.