Update...Not sure how other ppl read this sitch.
Last night (this morning) @ 1:30AM W called me asking me to let her into my office to use a laser (cosmetic use) Apparently she went there and realized she forgot her keys to the office. She knows how to use the machine, so she asked me to stay out. Immediately afterward, I asked to go out for some food @ Denny's she agreed.

During our meal, our conversation starts out with how she's doing in SF how she likes her job, etc., and then mainly revolved around discussing my research, readings and revealations with our relationship and how I'm working on improving myself to better our relationship and just need a chance to prove it to her. She stated that her understanding of our marriage is way ahead of me and that one day I'll too realize that we are 2 "fundamentally" incompatible people. I've tried to explain some of the concepts I read here on MB about incompatible behaviors and habits that can be changed, and that I don't believe in disposable marriages, but she didn't seem to agree. Judging by her words, her mind seem to be convinced that 2 ppl incompatible should just find more compatible people.
"No one I know would have stuck around this long after the pain you have caused me" she said. "only someone with no self-respect, no self-worth would do that".
I asked her: "do you see me as that? no self-respect?".
W:"No because I didn't hurt you. You were the one who hurt me! so you don't belong in that category"
She said she is staying in SF and when I asked her about phone contact she said "that's not a good idea"
When I asked her if she has someone else in her life she immediately changed the subject by asking me a different question. We left each other not knowing if I would be able to talk to her again.

My read: she is confused and perhaps is struggling in her mind about some possible hope of reconciliation because:
1. she is not a person that would "USE" someone to get what she want. At least I've never known her to do that to anyone.
2. Why would she call me if in her mind she want no contact from me and never needs anything from me again.
3. Why would she agree to go eat together if she had completely, in her mind, moved on and want no contact with me?
---maybe in her mind she is in plan B?---

Perhaps someone can give me their read on this situation?

Hi Stu...

And she isn't being very respectfully honest if she dodged that question. You should've not let her get away without answering it. She is playing a game and wants you to wonder...is what it sounds like to me. At this point you need to find out somehow, someway.

And do you think she went into the office possibly looking for something else?

How far is SF from where you live, I find it odd that she showed up at such an hr.

Lady

SF is ~6 hr drive away. She was visiting her parents over the weekend here which is close where I am. and said that she is flying back up there this morning. She went to the office at that hour mostly because she didn't want to run into anyone (her BIL in particular; whom I share an office with). As far as whether she was looking for something else I don't know... I'm kinda dense so I can't imagine what she would be looking for. I did go around to the side of the building where I can see the windows and confirm that the light to the laser room was on.
I know I shoulda pressed her on that issue but I was at the same time afraid to get her into an angry or defensive mood.

"She is playing a game and wants you to wonder..."
I wonder about the samething...Short of hiring a PI or take a week off and go do some PI work on my own, I cannot find out. When I ask her BIL he just says "no, I don't think so". I think they all want me to wonder. She doen't want me to tell her BIL that she was at the office either.

I wonder why she seems so afraid of BIL.... She goes to the office at that hr because she didn't want to run into him?? And she doesn't want him to know she was at the office??

I'm wondering if you should tell your BIL, and see what he says.

You might have to consider going the route of hiring a PI.

She is trying to lead you to believe that her reason for leaving is all based on you made her feel bad throughout the marriage, and if she stayed she wouldn't have any self respect. And Incompatability-Irreconcilable Differences. If she filed for divorce and you found out she was committing adultery, you could counter sue, that may be why she is not telling you, but I'm not really sure.

The fact that she seemed to leave many times before whether it be a few days or longer makes it hard to determine.



Lady

"I wonder why she seems so afraid of BIL.... She goes to the office at that hr because she didn't want to run into him?? And she doesn't want him to know she was at the office?? I'm wondering if you should tell your BIL, and see what he says. "

I don't think she is afraid of her BIL, I believe she doesn't want people to know what's going on between us.

I've often wonder what I would do if I discover that she IS having a PA. I think I would lose it. Perhaps that's what's been preventing me from finding out. Plus I didn't want to intrude on her privacy. Ignorance is bliss I guess.