Update: Still no contact from WW.
My books should be hear next week SAA and HNHN.
Question: I'am trying to get more info on OM via P.I. but will this be to late to expose the A to OM family because we are now seperated?
Should I try to contact WW now or wait untill A dies and or WW contacks me?

Hello van,

I think you are doing well. This is my first time reading your thread. Your situation is fairly similar to mine.

On the exposure of OM, I think it is not too late. It all depends on what you find, for example if he is married with children etc. It would be important to do so.

It is very difficult to decide between what in the long run will be useful in saving your relationship with your WW that makes her angry at the moment and on the other hand love busting and being disrespectful of her.

I found that in exposing, expressing my pain of her being in a relationship with an OM was easily accepted by others.

It is important that you keep some sort of contact with WW's family if possible.

Remember that what makes her angry at the moment may be what she most needs.

I have found that writing her emotional needs EN has been helpful for me in dealing with her when I have contact.

I have started an e-mail campaign to WW and sometimes I feel it is working. Since I've started it she has stated that things are getting worse (meaning that our relationship is better, and that I am making headway in derailing her affair, her departure, her divorce from me).

Do not be overly concerned about your WW's angry reaction to your exposing. Deep down, her conscience will tell her that you are doing the right thing and that she was hurting you and betraying her marriage to you, and without apologizing for now, she will calme down. At least this has been my recent experience.

Her reputation is rightly being affected by this and you'll hope that her way out will be to try to make things right with you.

Vanasvegan

Hi!

Can you read swedish???

Hi Marcus,
No sorry I can not read swedish even I think it would be easier than Finnish.
Van

Hi DLK21
Thanks I did need your post today it did help me a lot. I hope we(BS) can get thru this and get our DW back.

Van

WW just phoned, WW wants to sell the house. BS answered that I do not think that is in our best interest and I would rather work on our marriage.
WW responded: It is a fact that we will divorce!!

1)WW does not want to stay in house there is only bad memories. WW can not stay there!

2)WW said the house will not bring us back together.

3)This will only make WW hate BS more and WW will never speak to me again. I answered that I am sorry WW feels this way but I see 2 options a)we save marriage b) WW will never speak to me again and this is what WW wants at the moment.

4)WW spoke to lawyer and he said that we will loose big time and I am stupid. I answered by saying it is only money and it would be stupid if we give up on 7 years and the future on which we worked so hard until now. I asked if WW told lawyer that WW is having an A. no reply from WW.
5)WW will never never never come back to BS and WW knows now how mean and evil BS.

6)WW needs a place where WW can work things out but can not do it in this house.

7)WW said we must make a clean break. Start from the bottom. So the after 6 months we can see how it goes if we want to be together then we can find a new place. We can keep the money in the bank (yes I am sure).

8)BS was very calm and this got to WW and the name calling started and the end of the phone call.

These are big love busters. WW is still seeing OM but BS does not think WW is there this weekend. WW ask if BS went to the town OM lives. BS asked why did OM see BS?(no BS did not go there).

BS ask WW why does WW not come back and WW answered because: 1)WW does not want to be BS mother. (yep the WW LB i need to work on).
2)BS will always throw the affair back at WW.
3)WW has seen what BS is capable of with this actions (I think WW is talking about exposure and forcing to stay in house)

I hope I can get some input from Melodylane and or kursht. Please all other input is appreciated.

Van, I would look for opportunities to contact her and have friendly chats with her. Unless you think it would annoy her.

When you get the info on the OM, come here and we can discuss it. It doesn't matter if you are seperated, she is still your W and it is still an affair. That doesn't mean its always best to expose, but we can discuss that.

Do you have evidence that the affair is ongoing? And refresh my memory, is the OM married? They work together, don't they?

And about the phone call, don't pay it any mind. You have to view her as a drunk under the influence of alcohol. Everything she says she wants can change dramtically tomorrow. So, don't worry about it. You handled her assaults very well!

Thanks again Melodylane!
I will get back to you with more information about OM if or when I get it.

I will try to text, send 3 letters per week now. I am waiting for the books (LB,HNHN and SAA) so that I could prepare myself better with a plan A. ( should be here this week).

WW will not answer my questions about OM so I asume it is still on going. I also think I should not ask anything about him now.

The fact that I am not selling the place is a big LB at the moment.

OM lives in very small town and now no one there knows WW is married.
But I hate to asume stuff I would like to work with facts.

Would there be a possibility for me to e-mail you?

Van, it is not a lovebuster to refuse to sell the house. A lovebuster is:

Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

Good idea to make contacts, just be ready to back off if it is annoying to her.

Tried to contact WW just for nice chat, but WW is only interested in the selling of our place which I said softly that I will not sell and that was the end of the conversation. WW does not answer or reply to anything else.
I am only sending very short text messages saying: I hope you have a good sleep and that everything is ok. I thought I will only do these type now until the dust settles down.

WW sounds very convinced that she does not want anyting to do with me. We have been going to WW grand mother's place for the last 4 years for Christmas whom is 86 and I don't think she will here for long. WW said she will not go and it will be a shame if this was her last Christmas.

Nothing and or nobody can get thru to WW and that is so frustrating. I hope WW will change soon or just be approachable. WW is still seeing OM so A has not died yet and I know I will have no effect on WW as long as this A goes on. I know my DW had a short temper and it is very difficult for anyone to be around her. I hope WW has the same temper, that will give OM h!LL.

Is there anything I should do or specific things I should say in my limited contact? I just want a good start.


Estate agent just phone me. Has sold the place and I just have to come and sign the papers. I said I will not do that. So lets see what will happen now.

How could she sell the place without your permission??

Van, I would back off with the contacts of your WS since she is not responding. Let her contact you and then just be as pleasant as possible.

Thanks Melody,
WW thought I would fall under group pressure (WW and Agent) and sign the papers. But I will not now.

I will back off and wait with the contact. I am sure it is very difficult for OM at the moment as I know my DW's temp.

Now would be just a matter of patience. WW's family and friends is also trying to contact WW so there is a lot of pressure on this A.

I was just thinking, that you(Melody and the other wise onces) are on these forums every day trying to help BS. but BS never notice that you ever complian or have off days. Thanks to all for reading and for some who reply with thoughts and advice.

I was so hoping I would get those books today but not yet.
Van.

UP date,
WW phones with same question about the selling of the house. BS have the same answer no......

Then BS got the same bla bla bla
Well this is a new one for Believers list:
WW said I will make it my life's work to tell all the Finnish girls (not women funny) that all foreign men are bad.

WW said BS is an idiot and that BS is very very very nasty nasty nasty.

WW ask me what do you want to gain. BS answered that I could safe my marriage.

WW said she will work on the marriage but I have to help her first by selling everything only after this will WW work on saving the marriage. I did say that I have difficulties to believe her at the moment and I will do what is right for us because she is still lying to me. WW does not answer my calls or reply so I can not trust her.

WW phones her mother the first time since exposure. WW tells mother that WW will not make my name bad to people. MIL said how could she! WW trying to convince MIL to change BS mind. MIL understands what BS is doing, so lots of name calling towards MIL. WW tells MIL that BS make WW name bad. MIL ask WW if BS is lying then.

I gave all my answers politely and softly.

Could I have done this better or is there any comments and or advice for me?

Van,
I do hope this will stop soon.

Hi all,
At the moment nothing nice comes from WW. It has been 1 month since exposure of A.
Is this usually how WS acts first after exposure no contact or just mean stuff coming from them.(The crack heads lost their hide out)
As far as I know A is still going on but not sure.

Will the more friendliness start to come back towards the BS even if A is still going on or will the unfriendliness continue until A has died?

van.

Van-

You're doing well, I am glad you are not going along with selling your house. She is just telling you those things to get her own way. She is not remotely unique.....ALL Wayward Spouses say these very same things.

She is trying to trick you into doing what she wants by saying she will work on things *IF* you sell the house.....etc. etc. DO NOT BELIEVE HER.

Let her scream that you are crazy and unfair......she is just embarrassed.

You're doing fine....keep coming here...keep listening to MelodyLane <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> She knows what she's talking about.

-Caren

CarenMC

Thanks I needed that, It is confusing if you think this WW is a person you trusted 100% before and now it is just lies. So I think it more a problem of wanting to believe anything that *sounds* positive. Hoping for a glimpse of hope!

I will go and see the legal aid office tomorrow. Even the estate agent told me this is not a way to save a marriage. I will not even answer her (unbelievable).

Let me Quote the estate agents email:

[wife name] asks her lawer to get
> order from the courthouse. They will name a person who will devide all
> your
> fortune by the order of courthouse. That is possible by the finnish law.
> This will cost a lot of money for you
> too. And harm to both of you. And it takes time too.
>
> Then the Bank wants lone back and if [wife name] pays her part of the lone, rest
> goes to you.And if you can`t pay, the bank will sell the apartment cheaper
> than now. Have you payed any livincosts?
>
> I`m very sorry to hear about your marriageproblems, but I don`t think this
> is the right way to handle it.

Well all the estate agent wants is the commission form the sale. Before this estate agent did not speak English.

(no questions this time just want to show what is the source of my panic, but all comments are welcome)

Van.

Getting legal help is imperative right now!

Best

Hi,

Don't be too afraid of her present reactions. It has been my personal experience that my WW's anger was short-lived, a few days to a couple of weeks. There is a good reason for this. Essentially, she doesn't have a moral reason to uphold her anger, she probably feels guilty for what she is doing to you.

I understand what you are going through. I find it very hard to navigate this situation. My will and her's are going in opposite directions. My WW did not ask me to sell the house but she did ask me what I was going to do with it and when. She was already in the distribution of the goods of our marriage. I explained to her that I was in shock and far from ready to make major decisions like that. Essentially I told her that I was taking some time for the dust to settle. That is true. I've learned so much in the past weeks that I don't see myself selling this place for the moment. In my situation, one of the emotional needs of my WW identified that I needed to attend was financial security. So I have taken it upon myself to pay for everything in the house. She has her own pace that she pays herself.

Hope you can slow down the legal stuff.

Take care Van.

p.s.
Do you have MSN Messenger?

DLK21

DLK21,

Well I can only get an appointment with legal aid on the 19th but in a different town b/c WW went to the legal aid in this town. So there I will get a few more days. But I can not start on plan A now because WW think she hates me. SAA book came today and I have almost read thru it. That SUE case study in SAA could have been my WW. Most of the stuff is word for word the same. If I knew then what I know now! But that is what we all think.
I think the EN is also financial. I am a full time student. WW could only find work about 70 miles from her. But WW told me that she walked into OM on a road crossing and there was this spark. I know he is a patient. Small things she told me then of a patient that gave her nice comments and that he went thru a bad divorce. I thought it was nice that she had nice comments from other people and not just me and she told me he was much older man. Because she thought he was hitting on her and she was little annoyed at that time. We said that she has a fan club and thought it was funny. I did say that he might follow her and stuff and if she sees him outside of work she should contact me as soon as possible.



How is your plan A going?

Van, DLK21 and all BS lets stay hopefull!