Good day all, att. MEL

WW called me and asked if I could sent her mail to her. She said that I should not bring it to her because we have said everything we needed to say too each other and that she does not want to see me. I did say to her that I am sorry she feels this way.

I know I have asked this same question for the last month but please bare with me I would like to state some facts. I am studying full time so my functional support is very little at the moment. We did discuss this financial issue before I started to study as I had a full time job at that time. DW said we will worry about the money later just make sure you get in to the school. WW is supporting us financially. WW is paying the mortgage. WW had to go and work in a different town for 4 months and stayed in a cra%py flat but we saw each weekend. I wanted to sell our house then and moved to where WW had a work and I could just get a small student apartment but WW did not like the work place and the work place had a probation period of 4 months. I stayed in our house. WW moved back to our town working wise. WW does not want to live in our house because of bad feelings and memories. (the bad feelings and memories is A and exposure talking). WW wants to sell house and move on if this means with OM or with out I don’t know ( I would assume with OM because most of her stuff is with OM). WW said that I have no part in her future and thus WW does not have to tell BS about her future plans.

WW sent me a message today: Can’t we sort out things as civilized adults, this war only makes things much worse? ( WW did not mention the A or that BS has not been treated civilized by WW) I have not answered this message b/c I don’t know how to answer this!



Do you still advice me not to sell the house because I feel bad that WW have to pay for most of the house. I can cover about ¼ of our living cost now. DW knows that BS will cover all living expenses when possible, but WW said that WW does not want her life to be on hold. Please answer this and I will not ask this again.

One good thing I have SAA, HNHN and LB. The Sue character in SAA is 100% WW they are using the same words.

Van

Van, you are being very civilized. You are not at war, SHE IS. She is warring on you and you are defending yourself. She wants you to stand still and take the bullets without complaint, though. I would respond that you are not at war with her, you want to do what it takes to recover your marriage. You won't help her dismantle your marriage, only restore it.

Respond with something like: "dear, I agree that war is bad and have no intention of warring with you. I am willing to do what it takes to save our marriage. But I won't participate in dismanteling it. I will love you always, Van."

Don't make it easy for her to destroy your marriage, Van. Make her do all the work.

Also, don't you think you are going to have to get a full time job to support yourself?

Mel I have looked at this option and have discussed it with WW and the conclusion was that I should not stop now: I am 32 and after 2 years I will have a bachelors of engineering which will make our life easier with a lot more job opportunities world wide as we both enjoy the expat life. I am not putting my studies or career in front of my marriage. WW have arthritis that causes her a lot of pain. The quicker I can finish my studies the sooner I can take care of DW that was the plan. On my old career I would not be able to support us and not on our standard of living which DW expects. If I will leave my studies I will have to move to another city because this is a student town. I have told DW that I will leave the studies if this is too much for us to handle and DW only have to ask me once. I am more than willing to take a year off from the studies. I am completely open for discussion in everything with DW. We have 4 months study holiday a year and I will be working then.

Mel again thank you for the response, I do feel like a wimp running to you or the MB web site but I do not want to loose DW or the marriage. I would rather be called a wimp than a looser in this respect.

Van.

Just an answer to the message I have sent her.

WW reply: I have made up my mind and I will never be married to you again.
The quicker BS gets this in BS mind that this marriage is over the better it will be.
WW have moved on with WW life and BS should do the same.
BS can not force WW to be married.
WE should have worked on this marriage a long time ago but it is to late now.
BS is trying to make WW tired so that WW would just give in but WW will not give in WW wants to be happy. BS said yes I don't want our old marriage back I want us both to be happy in our marriage and I don't think it is to late.
That was the end of the call.

I did expect this response!

Van,
I think you responded well. Give her time to let that sink in. Since she never lived in this house, it may be OK in this exceptional circumstance to sell. I don’t know. It would be a good occasion to talk to WW.

Good luck with your exams this week.

Mel,
Do you think in the present situation he can still ask, expect, and take financial support from WW for his training and their house?

Personally, I think that she has broken their plans and agreement, not him and so it can be OK but this is coming between them now.

dlk21

Yep and a good day all!

First a little update with my reverse babble.
A few phone calls from WW. with one nice remark that stood out: WW said BS I wish you would DI....disappear. I asked her to repeat but WW did not.

I said to WW that it is nice to hear WW voice, but the name calling is hurting me and I would appreciate it if WW could stop calling me names. WW was quiet.

WW said that WW have made up her mind and will never be married to me. I answered that I was sorry WW feels this way but I think there is hope for our marriage and that 6 months ago WW did not think WW would ever have an A but now WW is having one. So there is 2 things we know as facts and that is that we will die and we will pay tax! WW had no reply but put phone down after a while.

After 10 min WW phones again and said: Bs will feel a lot better as soon as BS move on. I said yes WW would like to believe that WW will feel better when BS moves on but BS does not think so.

WW said BS is hurting WW. BS said yes WW has hurt BS more that any one else.

WW said BS only want to save the marriage so that I can get back at WW. I said I am sorry to hear that but that will not be a marriage. I want a marriage where we can love each other not hurt each other.

WW said: BS can not just change his mind about letting go and selling the house, it is like breaking a contract. I said yes you can, it seems as easy as breaking the marriage contract. WW said we are not talking about marriage now.

WW said she is happy that this has happened now b/c what if we were in foreign country and BS would be so evil there and force WW to do things WW does not want to do. BS said we have been in foreign countries and Bs was loved and trusted there by WW and it could be because there was no A.


Now for the bad news,
P.I. said only now that they are not interested at the moment they are too busy. The town where OM is staying is too far away and they should charge me extra for the kilometers but they don't have time now.

Spoke to lawyer today. He said he will only look at my finance and not marriage b/c the divorce can not be stopped unless we stop it together. He said in my best interest I should sell the place.

If I don't then WW can ask the court to sell our belongings. I will have to buy WW out of the house and she will then pay her halve of the home loan and I will have to pay my share. If I can not pay the bank will sell the house to cover the bank loan. The only thing is that there is no due date when court have to sell the belongings. So I can drag this out for a long time but I will be liable to pay the living costs seeing that WW have officially move out. Which I can not manage on my own. WW is also not working any more. We also have to pay the court for splitting up our belongings.

I have tried not to help WW divorce me but I think I would be stupid to be bankrupt now. WW and OM knows that they can play this game longer than me financially.

Mel what would you do in my position?

Van (with a cold)
Take care MB'ers

Good day to all I hope you all had the best xmas under these circumstances!

I need so advice from the ¨exposing know-it-alls¨! (MEL)

OM left a letter in my car with his address on it by accident. I have his address and it conforms my assumptions. Om was a patient of WW when WW was working in this town.

Last week me, sil and mil drove past the town where OM lives on our way to grand mother's place. I did stop at OM house to give OM his mail. When I rang the bell all the lights went out and the blinds was pulled down. You are right they did not open the door. I did not think that he would but I wanted them to know that I know where OM lives. ha ha very scared!!! It was a shock for me to see our stuff in his house.

Please tell me what you think: WW and OM have made a little life for themselves in this town. They go to church (Maybe I should send them a bible with the 10 commandments in, WW never wanted to go to church with me) and they have some hobbies. OM is the age of WW's father and has grown up children I don’t know the exact age.

I have found people with the same surname in this town and this is not a common surname so it could be relatives. So I will send a letter to those addresses and to OM neighbours, looks too me if they all have been living here for some time.
I will send the letter to WW work in that town b/c the receptionist like to gossip and this is all I want.

There is also a small newspaper or more of the local news and happenings. Should I try to post this letter in this newspaper?

This the letter I will send to the neighbours:

Dear (OM) neighbours,
My wife (wife’s name)is having an affair with (OM name). My wife was a physiotherapist in town(Town’s name) where OM was a patient. My wife is now living with OM at (the street address). I love my wife. I want to save my marriage. Please encourage him to do the right thing, end this relationship and all contact with (wife’s name), so that we can recommit to our marriage.

Yours truly,
BS

For the newspaper.

Dear (town) citizens,
My wife (wife’s name)is having an affair with (OM name). My wife was a physiotherapist in town(Town’s name) where OM was a patient. My wife is now living with OM. I love my wife. I want to save my marriage. Please encourage them to do the right thing, end this relationship and all contact with each other, so that we can recommit to our marriage.

Yours truly,
BS

For the people with the same surname:

Dear (Surname),
My wife (wife’s name)is having an affair with (OM name). My wife was a physiotherapist in town(Town’s name) where OM was a patient. My wife is now living with OM at (the street address). I love my wife. I want to save my marriage. Please encourage him to do the right thing, end this relationship and all contact with (wife’s name), so that we can recommit to our marriage.

I am sorry to ask help from you but I can not find any information about OM family and I need all the help I can get. If you don’t know OM please ignore this letter and my question for help.

Yours truly,
BS

Now a few questions: We are officially separated from the 9th November. Can I still send the letters as above or should I change the wording?

Can I be sued for mentioning OM name?

Can I be sued b/c there is only one Physiotherapy practise in this town, so every one will know which place it is? I did not mention the name of the physiotherapy place.

Should I give more evidence of the Affair, like in which month it started or just more details, like they have been on holiday on the weekend of the 5 of November?

WW told me that she has her own new family and friends because her family believe the lies that BS has told them(exposure). She met OM by walking into him in a street crossing and it was love at first sight. Yes that fact that he was her patient was never mentioned.

Please your advise will be appreciated.

Van.

Sounds good to me. Check to see if there is anyway you could get into legal trouble for doing this, though.

Also, when you expose, be sure to expose to the pastors at their church. That will be a key group to help you bust their A.

Uva,
Thanks for your reply. I am not sure which church they go to but I was planning on sending a letter to all of them. The newspaper is read by every one and if the newspaper will do it then it will be like wild fire. I will go and see the lawyer tomorrow if possible!

van,

If your lawyer says ok, then by all means I am all for it. Let us know how it goes.

Hi Van,
I hope you had a nice Christmas also.

Just a thought but in her physiotherapy professional code of conduct or ethics they probably have guidelines or rules that states that it is wrong for a physio to have sex and personal involvement with a patient (even a former patient). So you could go to her Professional regulating body for advice and launch a complaint (of the record maybe at first).

Before you do all of this, you may want to check with senior advisors because you do not want to look mad and forceful.

DLK21

I exposed my wife's affair to OM's fiancee and his family. My wife was also furious and moved out that Saturday. I'm finding this is a classic reaction of a WS when exposed.

OZZ, thier initial anger is very good and to be expected. It means you hit your mark.

Here is a little update!

WW phoned me last week to ask how is BS really doing. I said that I could not speak b/c I was at school. So I did text WW during the weekend with the following: I’m doing ok but, I miss WW and I do think a lot about WW. It does hurt me to think that WW is in the arms of OM.
WW responded only on Monday at 8 am with the following text: One day BS will realize this was for the best 4 both of us. WW wish that BS would tell WW when BS realize this too. WW think about it as well.

WW also phone 3 times on Monday. I asked WW how is she doing and she said very happy. But she thinks about me a lot. Then WW started to rewrite the marriage history again but also said that we had a VERY good marriage. WW never had that ¨feeling¨ like a Wife in love with her husband should have. I did say that I believe the marriage is not over and we both can have the marriage we both want. WW said yes with a lot of work and she is not in the mood for all that work. WW said that she is happy and that has moved on. BS should do the same b/c now BS is just making it more difficult b/c of the quilt.

I said to WW that it is difficult to talk about marriage and relationship stuff b/c I have an opinion that we could be saved. I will wait until WW will bring the marriage up again b/c she knows how I feel. WW said: do BS think that WW is in a wrong sate of mind and that she will change her mind in the future. I said that I have hope. I did say that I have to go. WW said surprised ¨you have to go some where¨. I said yes I have a few things to do. WW said well fine then if I don’t want to talk about Our marriage. I said I will phone WW later in the week if WW does not mind and WW said yes WW does not mind.

Had a phone call again just now from WW Tonight. BS must accept the fact that ww has fallen in love with OM and OM wants to have children more than WW so they will have children soon. WW will work hard on new relationship ells this A and divorce will not have been worth it. WW and OM fall in the 5 % of affairs that will work. The children will be with a mother and father(OM) that loves them.

About my letters I want to send, I have spoken to few lawyers: 2 said they as Finnish people will not expose. I said well I need advise from the legal perspective and said they are not sure. I have spoken to a criminal defence lawyer and he said well: GO a head, nothing in my letters will cause me to be sued, yes they will be upset but I have not broken any laws I only ask for help.

So please should I send these letters to OM family(assumed), his neighbours and their church?
The last paragraph has really gotten to me about the children and I need MB´s advice as for I am pretty down now.

Van

Hi Van,
That thing from WW about children with OM must be very hard on you. You must feel a lot of rejection from her.
She is deep in the A. I thought that she recently said that it would not last because of age difference? I don’t think this changes your position and I think that this is mostly babble. It is nice to know that she feels guilty about betraying you.

It is better not to listen to this bull s..t and change subject with her and not bring up her R with OM.

My opinion.

She is in the fog.

Dlk21

What should I make of this?

WW phones out of the blue on Monday and ask : How am I doing? How am I really doing?. I answered ok but I do miss WW and I think about WW a lot. WW answers that WW think a lot too. ( but did not say what about) Then some small talk follows and the end of a NICE call.

Tuesday WW tried to phone me 7 times. I could only get back to WW on Wednesday morning. The phone conversation was very cold. WW said that she has read a lot on affairs and that people do get back together but only because of the children and when the children leave the home the marriage is over. WW does not think that we will make it and why try now for 2 years if we both know it will fail. The only reason I am doing this is because BS have had an affair or some dark secret or BS will just make WW life a living he!!. I did say that it hurts me that WW think only of these reasons. WW said that would BS go back to my previous girl friend so why would WW come back to me! I asked WW if I could send her some books (SAA and HNHN and LB) but she said no. WW said she wish that these conversations will end. WW would like to talk to me one last time and then that is it. I asked WW does she want me to stop the text message and the phone calls. WW was silent but then answered and said well wait until I call you! End of the call.

It annoys WW big time that I am still wearing my wedding ring. WW said that I will die with that on my finger and that I am living a lie.

Received a text message from WW: BS please you must let me go on with my life now this have been very hard time.
I answer every time that I am hope full and that we can have the marriage we both wanted. What should I say?

Last point. I will expose this Friday to OM side and area. WW is very protective of OM (it is not his fault bla bla bla).
Is it still good idea to expose or should I leave it?

Van
Dlk21 ( thanks for the few words above, but now she is saying that she will do everything to prove to every one that they will fall in the 5% of affairs that make it, Hmm but for how long DW?) Heard ya on the radio last night!

Hi Van,
I have not heard from you in a long time. How are you doing?

HI Van,

Thank you for giving me a private undate but you might want to get other's opinion.

DLK21