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By LH: I also believe that it's going to be extremely difficult for you not to start forming some resentments over the dealing with the Ex and employment. That's exactly my thought too. And I'm afraid it's inevitable, in the long run, if nothing changes... By xpB: I don't give him cash. My money is the household money, and just barely gets us by. Things he really wants, like satellite and internet, I have told him will need to wait until he's working full time and can pay for them. I can't and won't. At most, I have put gas in his truck when he didn't have enough to get to a job, or he has used my more-affordable car to pick up his daughter.
On the employment ... not sure what else I can do. I find jobs, he applies. Nothing. I check up to see if he has called. xpB, try to read this as someone from outside would. To me, it sounds less as a fiance's talk, but more as... a mom... I mean, if YOU are OK with that, no problem, everything is fine. But, if you are not, it is time to change it NOW, not when you get married...
I'm not Belonging to Nowhere anymore! :-)
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Joined: Sep 2001
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To me, it sounds less as a fiance's talk, but more as... a mom... Moments before I read this, it occurred to me that this is very much how I deal with my 19 year old son's lack of ability to plan, financially or otherwise, much to the probably justified disgruntlement of his adult sisters. Yes, my H and I did know each others complete work histories shortly after we started dating. Isn't that one of the things you want todo when you start dating someone exclusively - get to know their biography nearly as well as your own, not because you don't trust them but because you are interested?
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Joined: Oct 2001
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Maybe because I didn't date that much, I didn't ever get into the habit of delving into work and financial histories. I had NO interest in dating a bunch of people after I left my ex. Before I got married, I'd been in mostly weeks-long relationships, up to a max of a few months. Was never good at dating. It was always one of those, I was more into it than him, or he was more into it than me, type of things.
Gosh, I guess I only seriously dated two men in my whole adult life. Never thought about it that way before.
Anyway, I don't want to be his mother. I don't want to be a nag either. He does a ton of stuff for me, has been doing a fair share of the indoor and outdoor housework while I'm working. He is home when the kids get off the bus so I don't have to pay a sitter; which I will have to do when he's working.
Just got off the phone with him ... gotta put $500 in the mail today ... ugh. So far my gas account and the electric bill were lower than I'd budgeted for, and I can use the money I socked away for property taxes since I forgot that my mortgage payment already hits me for escrow for that ... things aren't as dire as they seem. He is calling on a stack of job postings I printed off from the Michigan jobs website, and checking in with some places that have his resume. He just got paid for the last two night jobs and put some money toward his truck insurance.
The kids have been so understanding about the money situation and try to help us save money where we can around the house. Hope I haven't been too short with them lately. Not sure how Santa is going to manage, and they've been darn good.
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I'm just wondering why he isn't straightening out all these messes since he isn't working??
You take too much of the pressure off of him with this whole deal. He should deal with his ex and you deal with his. Period.
I would NEVER consider calling or writing my husband's ex- that is his issue to deal with. Just as my exhusband is my issue.
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Gosh, I guess I only seriously dated two men in my whole adult life. Never thought about it that way before. ...well, I beat you on that front. I married the only two men I EVER dated. I still knew their financial history before, though....
Married 6 years on July 23, 2011--no issues and deeply in love--thanks, MB!
I'm convinced that I'm married to the most wonderful man alive....
I hear and I forget. I see and I believe. I do and I understand. Confucius (B.C. 551-479)
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Joined: Oct 2001
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Westley and I had a good talk last night. Actually, HE did almost all of the talking for a change (when he called to get his child support balance, I think that snapped him out of his funk). He went through the stack of job postings I'd left for him and told me what each of them had said when he called. He is meeting with someone from a cell phone tower installation company. They were interested in his experience with excavators.
He still feels like he can't do anything right. Case in point: we park side by side next to the house. When I got home, my sister was there, in my spot, delivering bad news of course, and so I pulled in behind his truck. A little while later he went to leave, to pass along said bad news to my brother ... and backed straight into my car. :| Nothing major, but to have to come back in the house and tell me what he did ... with the expecting-a-rolled-newspaper look ... keeping my sense of humor is HARD.
I don't get much email from her, but his ex just forwarded me a joke. {sitting on hands}
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