To be frank TranquilMoon, if your friend was going to throw herself off a cliff & you did nothing, how would you feel after? Why don't you just wise her husband up and don't be waiting for an opportunity - just do it right now, this minute. She will thank you for it in the long run and so will her husband.

Perhaps you can let her know that you don't want the gory details of her TMing. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you do not condone what she is doing. You can not sit by and watch her destroy her family like this.

Let her know that her behavior is completely unacceptable to you and you will not be part of it.

I talked to her husband last night and he laughed it off and said that it was just flirting and it was only text and words, no actions. He said he trusts her completely and trusts this guy. So there is nothing more I can do. I do not however think this guys motives are going to prove to just be innocent.

Tranq,

""I think the next time I go out with her and her husband""

And you feel you should continue going out with her because???????

And also concerning telling her husband, although he laughed it off, you have still planted the seed in his head. He will be watching a little closer now, you can bet on that.

k

No I have distanced myself from her. Though I still love her because she is my best friend, I just can't condone that type of behavior. I have been on the receiving end of a cheating spouse and it is not fun. She called me earlier and said that she and band boy are going to lunch together ALONE Friday. I told her that I didn't want to know anything else and that I thought it best that if we didn't hang out together anymore, but now I'm heartbroken because we did everything together. We've been best friends for more than half my life.

Tranq,

""but now I'm heartbroken because we did everything together.""

The "lust buzz" is affecting her already, choosing him over you! What did she say when you told her you didn't want to hang out with her anymore?

How about an anonymous note to her H telling him to stop by the "Big A Diner" for lunch the same day?

Stay on that High Road!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

Hmmm...have you given the copy of the text messages to the husband?

If he still laughs it off...tell him to come here and read a few stories like mine...see how harmless he finds them then.

I think you did the right thing, Tranquil. Friends are friends partly because they share common goals and standards. Sometimes people grow apart. It's sad, but she's the one who has drifted away, not you.

It's too bad her husband has his head in the sand, but you've done everything you could. That took guts and I applaud what you've done.

3

Tranquil - at least you have tried. When the hammer drops on him and he sees his wife's actions for what they truely are, you can hold your head high in the knowledge that you tried to stop it. Well Done. I just wish some of the low-life "friends" that knew about my wife's affair had been as considerate of me.

Mmmmmmmmmm. I like Krusht's idea.

By the by, an anonymous account email account on Yahoo.com or Hotmail.com can be constructed in three or four minutes.

Now I wonder why that information shot through my mind when I read Krusht's post?

I did email him, anonymously from a yahoo account and told him to check out what his wife is doing Friday at such and such location.

The thing is that she isn't a bad person. I've known her my whole life and always thought highly of her because of the mother, wife, and person she was and still is. This guy I think has just gotten so under her skin that she isn't thinking clearly. I think he has got her snowed with the whole "You're married, I know you're married and that is a line that I will not cross, but our exchanges are fun" then he ended it with "Plus you said you're faithful", to me that ending line sounds a lot like he is asking her if she truly is faithful and if she would consider crossing the line with him. Thats what it looks like to me and she is too stupid to realize this.

She's not the woman you've known all your life just now, Tranquil. She's in that fog where everything dealing with the OM is rosy and there are no consequences to anything. Hang in there. I think you've done the right thing.

It's just struck me that Dr. Phil's definition of cheating applies here. She wouldn't be meeting this guy for a clandestine lunch if her husband knew about it and was to be there watching. You haven’t said if he knows, but I’d bet my last nickel hubby doesn’t know. That deception, in and of itself, is cheating. Again, I think you’ve done what’s necessary.

Longhorn,

Thankyou for being so kind as to reply and give encouragement when I'm feeling really quite down.

I have a huge problem with this band guy. He sent a whole ton of messages to her last night that were so tawdry. Like asking her what she would do if he came over, what she would be wearing, what would they talk about. Then he said something about if she were with him she wouldn't have to work so hard at satisfying herself, unless he just wanted to watch. Then he said to her that he knew from the moment she sat down that she was into him and he felt bad for the skinny guy with her (her husband) because he looked so out of place by her side. WTF does that mean? I mean honestly.

It means they are a hairsbreadth away from sleeping together

Oh, that's easy. It means he's advancing his seduction of your friend AND he feels comfortable doing it.

Just from what you said above, he's managed to interject himself into her and her husband's sex life with the "satisfying herself" comment. I won't speculate on what problem that statement refers to, but it's a problem that only the married couple should be dealing with. Band guy shouldn't even know about it. The wife has been talking out of school and that is disrespectful too.

Then, note that he disrespected her husband with the "skinnny guy" thing. He apparently feels comfortable making disparaging comments. She's letting him get away with that? He's fixing himself even more firmly in the forefront of her consciousness so she concentrates on him and excludes her husband and their marriage. This guy is playing her like one of the instruments in his band. So very sad.

Hang in there, Tranquil. There are others more experienced than I out here, but I suspect things are going to get darker before they get better.

After looking at it and analyzing it, it looks like to me that he is telling my friend that she is out of her husband's league. Which is very mean. I mean granted her husband is very tall and thin and well I think that is totally hurtful.

I mean that she looks too good to be with her husband. That he doesn't look good enough. Sorry for the confusion.

Tranquil,

My ex-OM was a big flirt like this - not just with me - but with alot of females...he was also a sereal cheat...there were 3 or 4 affairs on his wife before me, 2 which she knew about.

I brushed off the flirting alot in the beginning, joking with H on what a shameless flirt OM was...but due to the state of mind I was in, I actually liked the extra attention...and H didn't seem to mind, as it was just harmless...and he never flirted with me like that and the attention felt great...

Well next came conversations like your friend is having, with me still convinced - oh it's harmless...but a connection was being made...conversations like that were revealing, intimate and not things I shared with others except my best female friend maybe...

Soon more of those happened, and I wanted more to happen conversation wise, until I started missing when we didn't talk...and soon it became a PA...

Your friend is in a very similar position to me...and I didn't listen to ANYONE that tried to tell me - I was sure I had it under control...

Perhaps you can show her some of the stories here on MB...maybe that would have helped me?

I think honestly - if you are the friend you say you are, as much as your friend will hate you - you should tell her husband...that would be the only REAL way to help her...as she probably wont listen to you until it's too late...

I called her H and asked him if he truly believes that this is just friendship, and he said "Yes a lot of men think my wife is hot and I can't help that and if there was anything inappropiately in the way of sexual connotations being said then I would hop in the middle and put a stop to that BS". I remarked to him that there is. He was silent at first and then asked me to forward all the messages my best friend sent to me to him through yahoo messenger and I did. He told me thankyou that he was unaware of that and that he would speak to my best friend tonight. He wasn't angry but he was hurt to see that that was going on. He said this guy is a real tool and trying to play my wife, that isn't going to happen. I'm not letting my wife go that easily.

I feel so bad right now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Good for you! You're not letting this happen for any lack of trying. She won't appreciate it, but you're one heck of a good friend.

Tranquil, encourage him to come to MB too. There are lots of folks out here who will be more than happy to help him through what may be a bad time coming up.

A word about your friend. Be prepared for her to be very angry with you. You've exposed something for her own good, but she's under Band Guy's influence. She's going to be pretty spiteful for however long it takes her to recover.