This is going to get very bad. Turns out that the band had practice tonight and my best friend is up there where they practice at. Her husband called me and said he was going upthere with the printed out proof about whats going on and to confront them both <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. Now I'm scared. Her husband has a bad temper.

Oh, nuts. I hope he's rational enough not to do something to get himself in trouble with the authorities. Does he have a friend you can call and ask him to go there also and act as a calming influence?

If he is in control of himself, then maybe a pissed-off husband is exactly what your girlfriend needs to see. She needs a bucketful of cold water in the face and this should suffice quite nicely.

Moon,

You did the right thing. A friend here spoke with the professional, Dr. Harley, about telling his adult children about his WW's affair. Dr. Harley advised him to give kids the line..."When is right to have an affair" or "Is it ever O.K. to have an affair". The kids were to repeat that over and over when WW undoubtedly tried to convince them of their rationalizations and justifications.

In your case, they are not just friends, it is not harmless fun and it is wrong, period.

My WW exposed her best friend's affair before it escalated to a PA this past summer. They still are not speaking but we are confident that the situation will stabalize over the holidays when we see them. The husband is totally appreciative and they are working on their marriage. When their chips finally fall where they may...I am confident...their friendship will be resumed.

I hope husband keeps his cool and does not end up in jail.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

That's great. I wish some of the people who knew about my wife and the OM had done that for me. It never quite made it to a PA but that was just literally a day off when I found out! But I still think if those people who did know had told me earlier, a LOT of misery could have been circumvented. It has destroyed the OM's family and nearly destroyed ours. We had to move to be away from our home and him to establish NC. That's very disruptive for us and people knew and could have prevented it if they only spoke up.

Tranquil - you did an awesome thing exposing this. Your friend will eventually see it that way too but don't be surprised if you don't get a Christmas Card from her this year.

I got an email from her just about five minutes ago. This really does make me sad. I can't believe she is acting like this. Here is the email

(my name here),

Why in the ****** did you tell (his name here) that (band boys name here) were having sexual texting and then you sat right there and maliciously forwarded them to (h's name here). What in the ****** is wrong with you? Do you want (h's name) or something? Were you jealous that (band guy) wanted me and not you? I can't believe you did this (my name here). Consider our friendship over, 20 years of friendship down the tubes because you couldn't keep your mouth shut. I hope you're happy. (H's name here) came up to the practice and threw the conversations at me and (b boy). (B boy) and (h) were about to fight! See what you've caused? A real mess! For what? We were never going to sleep together and you couldn't leave well enough alone and because of you now I have to quit being the PR manager which will cost a lot of missed out money. I can't believe you. You were spose to be my best friend and you did this? That alright (my name), it will not stop (b boy) and myself from conversing with each other, but what you have done is written yourself out of my life. Don't contact me, do not contact (h's name) and the band doesn't want you coming to their gigs either. Stay the ****** away from my home and stay the ****** out of my life.

(her name here)

I'm now second guessing that I did the right thing. I have not stopped crying since getting the email. I'm hurt and sad. This doesn't feel good.

She will be angry for along time...but you did the right thing - you really did.

She is mad more or less because she DID have something to hide...and you exposed it - and she now has pressure and will loose out on it.

Like I said before - she will probably hate you for doing it - but in the long run you are helping her whether she can see it now or not. And like I said - she wont listen to you because she thinks it's harmless and under control...so telling her husband was the only way to prevent what would have happened down the road.

It may still happen, but her husband will be watching from the sidelines...and his radar will always be up about this guy.

Not seeing the band is no big loss for you - you don't need people in your life like that...and hang in there - one day your friend will see.

A couple of friends of ours, shortly after my A, we told her husband about some inappropriate chate between a friend a her...her husband said they've always flirted he wasn't worried...I never forwarded the text though...but she was scared and very quickly got her but in gear...it was about 7 months before she would talk to me again...and now almost a year later...things aren't 100% yet - but we have coffee and chat every few days...the anger does go away.

I would just email her back and say

I am sorry you feel that way, but I was worried about b-boy effecting your marriage, you know I have dealt with infedelity in my ex-marriage, and as much as you have control of the situation, it can get out of control fast. I understand your hurt, and accept that you are very angry with me. I hope one day you can see that I only had your best interests at heart, and i will always be your friend.

-(your name)

Then give her time to cool off...and keep praying this has dampened things enough that you prevented anything more from happening.

Oh come on. You know you did the right thing. Stop the pity party right now! I told you you'd be off the Christmas Card list but she will eventually thank you.

If I was her husband, I would have gone to see band-boy with a baseball bat. (I would certainly have wanted to)

Also

You have caused NOTHING - this is so common for people who are wayward (emotional or physical)...

Her ACTIONS, her sexual texts, were what caused this, NOT you...okay? Don't let her make you feel guilty. These are concequences to HER actions...she just isn't in a place to accept that right now.

Oh and now to top it off I get an email from b-boy. I can't believe she gave him my email address.

(my name),

Why in the ****** would you send (her name) any of those texts? How the ****** did you even get them? We were just having harmless flirting and nothing else. I have stated several times that I'm not going to sleep with her or try because I will not cross that line. Why would you intentionally cause (her h's name here) to first confront me, make her quit the job, almost hit me, and I have never laid a hand on her. She is an attractive woman and a good friend but that is as far as it goes. I can not believe you made a huge ****** deal out of this and caused a mess. You didn't win though, I'm still talking to (her name here) and will continue to do so, even if that means we have to meet up in private and keep everything to ourselves from now on. Hope you enjoyed what you did ****** because you lost your ****** friend over it.

(b-boys name here)

I can't believe he wants to shift the blame on me. Yes I exposed it and yes I may have caused some huge problems but who is he kidding? I wish i could post all the text messages here because they weren't just friendly. It sounds to me as though those two are addicted to each other and that is very sad. I just can't believe she gave him my email address. That was tacky!

No, no. Don't let this hurt you too much, Tranquil. This was totally predictable. See my earlier post. Exposed participants in adultery invariably blame someone else. It's part of the script. She's the one sacrificing your friendship because without discussing the issue with you--because something seamy WAS going on between her and Band Boy and she can't face that right now.

Notice a couple of things, Tranquil. She was at the band practice instead of spending time with her husband. That's cheating, period. Second, notice she talks about Band Boy "wanting" her. She's evidently accepting his desires as being legitimate without protest and certainly without telling her husband. That's about half a step away from getting into bed with Band Boy and is, again, cheating in and of itself.

Don't ever regret what you did. Now there is a chance their marriage can survive. If she'd gone on down the road she was going, the chances for survival would have been slight. She might not be friendly with you for a long time but YOU didn't do anything wrong. She did.

Not only that - but he is defending her...actually solidifying his bond with her...and of course he doesn't want the heat from someone's husband...

When my OM and I were at this stage - he said the same things - he would never sleep with me, never got involved with his affairs, never had affairs with married women - did that once and learned his leasson - he was more into one night stands...and he really liked my husband, so he would never ever think of doing anything with me...he just liked to shamelessly flirt with me...

Well..if you read my story - you know where that ended up. BUT had someone exposed my texts to my H at the same stage...I would have probably acted the same way as your friend...because I felt I was always in control...

The truth is - if she was doing this flirting secretly, without her husband knowing WHAT the conversations were about - it was wrong. Flirting with H knowing is one thing (I don't agree with it - but some couples do it) but flirting behind his back and laughing it off as the same flirting when it isn't - is manipulating her husband.

You really did the right thing. OF course they are going to blame you - but remember - they are to blame - not you...

If that was the case, then she wouldn't have been so pissed off when her H was informed.

What did Dr. Phil have to say about cheating again?

I am fighting my resistance to email this jerk back. I really can not believe him. He didn't have any intention of just keeping it friends. I have seen the texts and they were way over the line. Asking her just last night what she was wearing, asking her what she would do if he came over, what would they talk about and tons of other things as well.

The thing that got me the most about that conversation was this little bit here.

Him: You're married, I know you're married and that is a line I will not cross. PLUS YOU SAID YOU WERE FAITHFUL?

That to me is an open question. As if he is asking her if she is truly faithful because if maybe she would cross that line he would be inclined to start initiating a PA. So for him to try and shift blame on me makes me very angry. What a jerk.

I would definitely forward that message (and her previous response to you) to her H. "In for a penny, in for a pound..."

Tranquil, Band Boy's and your friend's emails to you both need to go to the husband...particularly Band Boy's. The man needs to know they are defiant and still planning to see and talk to each other. I expect they've already been in contact just since the confrontation because I doubt she would have given your email addy to him earlier. Dorry gave you a good format for a reply to your friend but I wouldn't even bother replying to Band Boy. He's scum and doesn't deserve a response. But did you notice how similar their messages were?

Yes I did notice how similar they were. The weirdness to this all was that the lead singer and her h's best friend, called me up and said not to worry about any of it. That if I hadn't done what I did then he was going to, because while at practices and even in small talk that b-boy was talking about how he was going to get my best friend into bed and then possibly if things turned out ok get her to leave her husband. I respect this best friend for that and I honestly didn't even know that he cared that much, but obviously he does. So that says heaps to me. He said that I'm very much welcome to every event that they have, which I will not go, and he said that there was nothing that I did wrong. It's glad to see all the support I get on here and the support from outsiders.

I agree with longhorn. Sent the emails to her husband - the affair will continue and heat up in the blink of an eye now. The husband needs to wise up. I would also send him to this thread.

For yourself, just ignore band-boy and send your friend an email like Dorry suggested.

I have sent the link to this thread to the husband and I am not going to reply to b-boys email. I have also forwarded both emails to him as well. I'm just concerned for my best friend, myself, and the status of what will happen from here on out. I think I did the right thing even though it cost me a great friendship.

You did the right thing. In time, she will see that. You wouldn't have been much of a friend if you didn't do what you knew was right.

And I also agree when longhorn said that the emails from both bandboy and her were very similar. Maybe even composed in bed for all you know. Sorry for being so crass.

Good for you, Tranquil. The woman doesn't know tonight how good a friend you actually are. I wish my wife had had a friend like you back when it would have done some good for us. Lots of hugs to you, Lady.