SNT


The purpose of exposure is to disrupt an affair. . . It seems that your affair has ended quite a long time ago. Your affair has been exposed to your wife. You have stopped it. Exposure has been achieved. The rest of this discussion is moralizing . . . Frankly, I would ask God for forgiveness and leave the other man alone.

As to telling the OWH, all I can say is you can't control your wife. If she wishes to inform the OWH then that is her choice. Let her know that you will support her in her decision. If she feels that he needs to know then don’t try to stop her from telling him.

As far as WACKO BS going nuts, well, search the archives here. It has happened, but it is rather rare. Most of the time it just results in people being beaten, and you said that you don’t mind taking a beating. If he has an arsenal of weaponry I would think that it would be prudent for you to get a concealed carry permit and to protect yourself. What you did was terrible, but here in the USA it isn't a capital offence. . .

Really, if the OW and her H have kids, I think the chance of him wacking you is pretty small indeed. He may smack her around, but again, that really isn’t your concern.

Finally, if your W had an affair would you want to know?

Think about that question.

Now, based on the answer that you arrived at, you now know what to do.

With all due respect, the purpose of exposure is not only to end the affair, but to warn the victims and, by doing so, increasing the odds that the affair doesn't resume. Of course there is a moral imperative in telling a spouse that his W has been unfaithful, but that doesn't decrease it's neccessity, but rather increases it. If we only did the right thing when it personally benefitted us then we are pretty sorry individuals, indeed.

I disagree. I don't think Harley advises telling an OPS about an affair that has ended. If I missed it somewhere then I will be obliged if you show me the error of my ways.

This is what Harley says one needs to do:

"There are three parts to the way affairs should end. The first part is revealing the affair to one's spouse, the second part is never seeing or communicating with the lover again, and the third part is getting through symptoms of withdrawal after a permanent separation takes place."

this is pretty much what his question is ... his wife wants to inform OW's spouse .... so you are in essence saying "Yes, this is what your wife requests."

I agree.

Pep:

Yes, I would advise him to support his wife and to not try to interfere with her decision. He needs to do what he can show his wife that he has loyalty to her and not to the OW.

I discount the talk about guns and physical retribution. Come on, I'm a Texan born and bred, retired military, I own several firearms, and I’m of Irish extraction. Heck, I was BORN to be confrontational. I STILL would not go after a man who'd been in an affair with my wife. I'd be pissed at HER, not him, but I still wouldn't shoot anyone. This isn't 1870 and you aren't living in Deadwood.

The other man deserves to know about the infidelity, SNT. In a very real sense, to NOT tell him is a continuation of the lies and deception she perpetrated on him through her affair with you. Let your wife make the call. It may be easier for him to take if he hears a soft woman’s voice on the other end of the line initially. But you need to apologize to him before he hangs up. Your wife can’t do that for you. Frankly, you dishonored that man and woman’s marriage as well as your own. You owe him an apology.

Only a WS or FWS could write some of these posts.

OM’s W unexpectedly found out about FWW and OM’s LTA a few months after I did through a still unknown third party. She called me and I confirmed.

She said over the course of several conversations she wished I would have told her right away! She said, as if she could read Harley’s mind, she had a right to know (and he did write that, I’ll look it up for you).

She cried in relief that she was not crazy all those years after all. She said she had such a total right to know that anyone who did know and did not tell her at any point in time, even when it was long over, was still complicit in manipulating and controlling her and her children. She did not want to see any such person in her life again.

I felt very bad because I agree with her. It does not matter when the A ends. The BS has an inalienable right to know who, or what, they have been married to. And all the rest of us have an obligation as caring human beings to support this.

There are many passages in many infidelity texts, and articles right here on the main MB site, which describe the barriers to intimacy that a hidden previous A has on a marriage. Personally, I could not live as free within my M if I held such a secret. I doubt any normal person could. Even My FWW could not. Every OP’s spouse deserves as much chance at a happy M as you and I do. And they will never get that chance with old A secrets rotting away in there.

I will state it out loud right here and now to make my point. If any of you know of any other A’s my W had, no matter how long ago, please let me know right away. If I was an ostrich maybe I’d want stick my head in the sand. But I’m a human being with rights and needs and obligations of my own. I deserve to know the whole truth, no matter what. I have a right to make my own life decisions with complete information. Neither you nor Joe Blow over there have any right to control and manipulate me in abstentia any more than OM and FWW did in situ.

Perhaps read this, on background:

http://www.dearpeggy.com/secrets.html

We are all morally obligated to reveal the truth in everything, always. This is not relative.

Longhorn,

Yep, I would think that the risk of being wacked by the angry is BS is much less than the risk one faces in their daily commute.

About who needs/deserves to know, again that is a person-moral-ethical question. I don't recall Harley making informing the other person's betrayed spouse a priority in his writings. He is adamant that you tell your OWN spouse if you were unfaithful though.

If this man's wife needs to tell the OPS what happened fine, if by doing so it helps her recover then she should do it; but let's not confuse that issue with Marriage Building as it has been revealed by Harley. (Again if I am wrong and the good Dr. has said he is an advocate of doing this in situations where the affair is ALREADY over, then I will reconsider my stance).

I do know that if my wife had an A I would want to know. I would hope that someone would let me in on the secret.

I think that the person who is morally obligated to tell the OWH is the OW.

CN, Harley adamantly believes that the victim spouse should be told.

"But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy."

He fully believes in the principle of complete disclosure to the victim spouse.

Even so, I don't think we have to consult the Harleys to know right from wrong. My reasons are morally sound and stand on their own. And even if you need a selfish motive to do the right thing, exposing to the other BS decreases the odds of the affair resuming.

I think that anyone who knows is morally obligated to tell the victim. And if they don't warn the victim, they are just as guilty as the victimizer.

Well I believe that only an BS or a FBS could write some of these posts too. So what?


I'm glad you got the information that you wanted. Like I said I would want to know too.

I don't think the MB program obligates this man to phone his exOW spouse and do a confession. If he wants to do it fine, If his wife wants to do it, again fine. But, in my opinion this isn't part of MB; rather it is a moral/ethical question. I don't think it is advised by Harley.

I will reread HNHN and Surviving and Affair to see if I can find where Harley recommends this action. If he does then I will consider it. I trust Harley's judgement on these issues. He as been dealing with this stuff a lot longer than I.

Mel,

Your quote doesn't serve your purposes. Harley doesn't advise telling the OPS, he advises telling your own spouse. That is what the “complete disclosure" part refers to. Read the quote in the context of the article from where it was lifted and you will see that he is referring to disclosing the secret of an affair to your own spouse. There should be no secrets between spouses.

BTW, you are right. I don't think we should rely on Harley to tell us our morals. I think we should rely on him to help us save our marriages.

CN, I haven't seen where it is specifically addressed by Harley, except as a principle that affairs should be exposed to the victim. [his words posted above] That is not the issue, though, as I see it. The issue, as I see it, is a moral obligation to warn someone thier spouse is having an affair. Not because someone said to do it, but because it is right.

Mel,

Wow, we agree on something.

I better leave now while I feel part of the team!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

"I will reread HNHN and Surviving and Affair to see if I can find where Harley recommends this action. If he does then I will consider it. I trust Harley's judgement on these issues. He as been dealing with this stuff a lot longer than I."

Maybe call and ask him on his radio show.

This is quite true! Myself, I am a Red Raider that hails from the Clancy's [a little Dutch and Swiss in there to even things out], am armed to the teeth and wouldn't dream of shooting the OW!

SNT,

So...what have you decided to do?