RookKev is exactly on the mark. Exposure includes speaking directly with the OW's H. There's a really good chance he doesn't even know there's an affair going on, right under his nose.

That contact, and revealing the A to the OW's H, is the most POWERFUL WEAPON you have in ending the affair. DO NOT tell your WS that you are going to make this contact. It is an ambush, and tipping anyone off, or using it as a threat, will reduce the IMPACT of the exposure.

This should be done ASAP, and if you need direction in doing so, ask for help here on the forums.

Hoopsi, as unpleasant as it may seem for you to have to do this, it MUST be done.

Best wishes,
SD

I *have* thought about calling her H. To ask what, I don't know. They definitely are getting divorced. She is spending Christmas with my H because her H is getting the kids for the first Xmas. I've seen messages from her to my H that said her atty was reviewing the settlement, that she's taking out life insurance per the settlement, that her father was advising her on legal matters, that her H had put all her stuff on the curb (which angered her, apparently).

Early on when he discovered the affair, he apparently called my H and said "break it off with my wife or I'm going to call your wife." They didn't break it off, but he never followed through on his threat to call me. I wish he had, of course.

On the other hand, I guess I'm getting all this info either from my H's mouth or from her text messages to my H. You think I should call? I guess I'd have to know how any information he gives me would change my strategy, though.

Also, can I simply call the courthouse in their county to find out if a divorce has been filed? Is that public info? And if the answer is yes, is that all the info I need (that, yes, they are getting divorced).

Hoopsie...

Gosh, can I please just reach through the screen and smack you in the head. CALL HER HUSBAND. Quit being afraid. Why would it surprise you that she could weave such a web of lies that would include grandiose things like the words settlement and legal advice?

Don't leave a message. You make the call where you speak with him. Tell no one you are calling him. Don't let anyone prepare an answer. This is where you get the truth.

Hoopsie,

You need to get something legal drawn up so that you are not financially responsible for these charges he's racking up. Start a log of all the family money he's spending on this A, for your lawyer. Save copies of the credit card bill along with the log.

If you're not careful, he may move to OW's and take a lower paying job just to avoid being held liable for higher child support payments and payment of the legal fees. Time to get crisp, here. This stuff could affect you for years to some so it's very important to get a handle on it right away.

Please consider your legal options seriously. - Dru

OK, I'll see if I can find his number this weekend. I do want to think it through before I call a total stranger, and decide what info. I want to get and what my objectives are.

I imagine it would go one of two ways:
Me: Hi, you don't know me but my H is having an affair with your wife.
Him: Yes, I know. I thought you knew. We're getting divorced.
Me: Thanks, that's what I thought. Good luck.

or

Me: Hi, you don't know me but my H is having an affair with your wife.
Him: What??
Me: Grab some coffee and have a seat.

If it's scenario #1, I don't really know what else I want to know. I mean, I don't care about their marriage, I only care about mine.

This is going to sound totally stupid, but my H has always seemed to be very forthright to me about the details of the affair and what is going on with the OW and her H. It's possible the OW is lying to my H, but I don't think my H is deliberately lying to me about their divorce.

And I don't really think the OW is lying to H, both from what I've snooped and gleaned from conversations with H. I think she's a walkaway wife who's dizzy with infatuation and is doing something horribly immoral and impulsive and immature that she will later regret. (My H said she said she was setting a *good* example to her daughter by showing her that people don't have to settle in their marriages and that it's okay to go after what you want. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

But I don't think she's maliciously and deliberately misleading him. I do think she and her husband are getting a divorce.