yep... that's me... *sigh*

Let's read a book on that!

Yep - that would be GREAT!

I read so many red flags in myself last night... I was kicking myself for some of the things I've done. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> But.... the important thing is I'm learning from them, so hopefully I won't do them again! What's that quote from Maya Angelou? If we knew better, we would have done better... or something like that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Yeah! I know, I've learned A LOT, man, it's unbelievable how much I've learned.
Ah, yes, Maya...I tried to find it on the net, know exactly what you are talking about!
I think it's why I'm struggling, because now, I DO know better and know I'm better and I'm having a hard time finding something to measure up!
I wonder if the pendulum has swung-from asking for nothing, to asking for too much... make sense?

Oprah says that quote all the time!! God love her!!

[color:"blue"]Absolutely. It is the same as when you used to be far too easy going and now when you draw the line you think to yourself, "am I being too harsh?".

V. [/color]

Hey...how do you know I do that?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Maybe I should wait for it to swing back to the center before dating anyone else....?

I'd like to think I'm not asking too much...maybe I am? Maybe my standards have gone from, "oh, you like me, great, I'm in!" to "Hmmm... do I like you and why should I?"

Revelations... what a great thing!

yep... there's some gray area somewhere in the middle there. I think the "oh, you like me!" is OK to start dating someone, right? Then you turn on your filters to determine "do I like YOU and WHY" so you get what makes you happy.

One situation they described in my book last night, was a guy that finally realized his pattern of dating ONLY girls that LIKED him. It was comfortable and easy for him. Somewhere downt the road, however, their relationships always hit stumbling blocks, and they ended. Once he realized this pattern, he stepped out of his comfort zone and pursued a girl HE LIKED, who didn't LIKE HIM AT FIRST. In time, she liked him more and more, and the relationship grew, and he learned a lot about himself.

It turned around from "I'm in this just because you like me"... to ... "I'm in this because I like YOU".

Asking "too much" is demanding perfection... don't swing that far... but don't settle for "just anyone".

just a ramble... you got me thinking (again) LOL

I know!! I thrive off this stuff. Good example, and it's exactly what I'm talking about...also, got me to thinking about Mr. No Kissyface... we like EACH OTHER... interesting!!
Yeah, I know there's no perfect, and really, who would be happy with THAT??!
I've settled too many times, as I said in a recent post, and I'd rather be alone than do that again...leaves you miserable. Hmmmm... I'm thinking too... can you smell that? Like something burning....?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"] I realized this year that this had been me. That I had dated guys that liked me and pursued. Pathetically pursued.

What I realized too was that I had a very appealing personality and that most guys find me desirable because I'm pretty and low maintenance.

When I set out to date I decided that I would choose as well and not just wait until some guy really liked me - they all do. The really really likers are pathetic or mental, so I had predisposed myself to getting mental partners. (yay! - NOT)

V.[/color]

Mars and Venus - Starting Over came in the mail today...that's what I'm going to go start reading while i'm being "unavailable" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yay allurin! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I have a lot to report from my reading. I'll have to come back later. I've read about "Don't date someone that you wouldn't be friends with", "Don't ruin a friendship out of lonliness", and "Opposites Attract" (the pros and cons of dating someone with opposite traits.)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hey Faith, where's that book report young lady?!

I found a new book out shopping yesterday: The seven levels of intimacy. THIS is a book I need, and from what you said on my post, sounds like you and I are a lot alike. Of course, I haven't started reading it yet, but I'm excited too...
I'm back on the fence again about Mr. Devoid Kiss. I really do feel like I'm still getting mixed signals from him. I've decided I'm going to follow through with what I've obligated to him, but after that, I think I'll move on. I'm going to "his" company's Christmas party and then I still have promised going out for his birthday, and then I'll go from there. Maybe reading the book will help, I don't know, but I just can't figure out my issues with him!

Alright, I'm going to read, I swear! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

HMM, I may stop by the book store and check this out!
Does it come with a man to practice on?

K!

Not that I saw! If there was one I missed him, dang!

It looks pretty good, and of course with each level you build on the previous level's trust. This makes a lot of sense to me because I see so many people rushing to get to a level of intimacy (okay, me included!) and then have to back pedal or it falls apart. gosh, wish I would have brought it to work!

THat sound great!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

hmmmm... I stopped posting reports, because noone else was! And because I didn't think anyone cared. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> BUT, it does help me to re-think and write about it, so I should do it anyway.

Oh, I'm sorry...I promise WHEN I read I will report!

I care! I want to hear all about it! I need all the help I can get sistah! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Drita, I bought the book today.

I think it will be one I need to read more than once. Although, by talking about it here, maybe I will retain what I've read better.

So far, I have learned that Intimacy is a self-revelation. It inspires us to give ourselves completely to another, something that most people have a hard time doing.
Intimacy is an legitimate need, which makes me feel much better because my x lacked intimacy, so for me it's validation in that dept.
It states that we yearn for intimacy but yet we run from it. We are afraid because having it means exposing our secrets. It means sharing our hearts, minds, and souls with another. It requires the we allow someone to discover what moves us, inspires us, drives us, eats at us, etc... along with the enemies within us and the wild/wonderful dreams we hold in our hearts.

Levels of Intimacy:
1) Cliches
2) Facts
3) Opinions
4) Hopes and Dreams
5) Feelings
6) Faults, Fears, and Failures
7) Legitimate Needs

The last sentence in the summary says: "This book will change the way you approach your relationships forever"

Have you started it yet Dri? I'm only to pg 15. Good pick!

Karona

oooooh! Keep posting about that book, girls! It sounds good!


OK, here's some stuff!!! for whoever's interested. If anything, it was good review for me to write all this out.


Some more main points from Boundaries

Ch.4 - Dating Won't Cure a Lonely Heart
- If you do any of the following, then you may be giving up boundaries for the fear of being alone:
* putting up with disrespectful behavior
* giving in to things that are not in accord with your values
* settling for less than you know you desire or need
* staying in a R that you know has passed its deadline
* going back into a R that you know should be over
* smothering the person you are dating with excessive
needs or control
- If you are afraid of lonliness & abandonment, you cannot use the love of people who are truly there until you deal with your own fears. 1 - strengthen your R with God. 2 - strengthen your R with safe, healthy friends (Christians). If you have your lonliness needs met outside of dating, then you can choose out of strength.
- Pursue wholeness, and have a full life, grounded in spiritual growth, personal growth, vocational growth, altruistic hobbies, intellectual growth, etc. You will attract what you are!

Ch.5 - Don't Repeat the Past
- With the support and help of God and others, search for the dating patterns of the past which have compromised your relationships.
- Own the patterns instead of assuming that those you have dated are the issue.
- Fear of the unknown - worrying about what may happen if you change - can stall your growth process.

Ch. 6 - What you can and Can't live with
- No one is perfect and you will never have the "ideal" R.
- Be open to types and people who are outside your normal tastes and preferences. You never know what you will truly like until you get to know someone.
- Learn the difference between human imperfections that everyone has and are NOT destructive, just annoying, and character flaws that are seriously damaging to a R.
- Learn what imperfections are destrcutive, and take a stand on those issues. Confront them, and trust someone when there is ownership and change.

Ch.7 - Don't Fall in Love with someone you wouldn't be Friends with
- Some reasons for being attraccted to the wrong type of person:
* attracted to someone like a hurtful parent, or the opposite of a hurtful parent (ex; domineering vs submissive)
* looking to resolve an aspect of yourself you want to resolve (good girl falling for bad boys)
* defensive hope: trouble letting go, in hopes that things will change. Often if you've had a lot of disappointment and grief in your life, and grief is overwhelming to you.
* Fantasy, or romantic and sexual energy, but no intimacy. Avoiding real intimacy, or possibly defending depression or other disappointments.
- Friendship and respect for a person's character is the key to building a lasting romance. Spend time getting to know each other.

Ch. 8 Don't Ruin a Friendship out of Loneliness
- Often those who romanticize their friends have a history of not being able to safely and deeply connect to the same sex.
- The needs tha romanticizers have are pre-adult needs (belonging, being safe, feeling comforted and loved). These needs should be met by God and safe nonromantic relationships, so that you can go for romance from a full adult perspective.
- Related to "romanticizing" is the rescuing or caretaking. Someone may provide support (emotionally and/or financially) for another who is struggling, and they may fall in love. This becomes a parent/child scenario. But the child will grow up one day, and will resent being controlled by another parent.
- Become deely involved in your friendships, and value the good things you're getting out of them; this can fulfill you inside and help resolve the tendency to romanticize platonic relationships.

This one came in the mail today......I can't wait to start...I SOOOOOOOO NEED IT!!!