YES! Let him go...FREE HIM...if it's meant to be he'll come back. Absence makes the heart grow fonder so they say. He'll either move on or realize he can't live without you and will do ANYTHING to keep you...

LL,
AGE is bringing something up that I felt earlier, which I guess for me is frustration with you.
I've thought about this all afternoon and evening and I want you to know that I'm praying for you. Also, I'm SO SO SO glad you came back here after your hiatus with BF to post and share like you have. Over the summer I was wondering what was up with you. PLEASE stick around and try to listen what people are telling you! I guess the thing I find comforting about this board is that I can live and learn vicariously through others. It's objective for us, because we all REALLY don't know each other although we have read each other's innermost thoughts and you do feel like you have a clue as to who they are. Now, in yours and my case, we've even (in my opinion) been fortunate enough to meet. I feel blessed by that and am glad to know you!

Now, here's what's troubling me and to be honest, I'm not sure how or why it does. It's somewhat reminiscent of a friend of mine that I can only take in doses, because despite her coming to me for help, she never listens and she continues to make the same mistakes. It's frustrating because I can see it, she does sometimes, but she still doesn't do anything to change her behavior, and hence, her outcome.

First, you started this thread...look at the subject title. When you wrote it, you thought you were screwing up.
Second, you were VERY upset about what you had been doing and wanted to change it. You have, but you still aren't happy. That tells me that it isn't the sex that was bringing you down, that there is something underlying here...if it were simply the act of sex, you should be feeling home free! You stopped it! It's done! Freedom!
But you have no peace still.
Now you are trying to rush someone into marrying you who has already made it very clear (according to what you have told us) that he has NO intention of getting married anytime soon. So, you have set some boundaries for him as far as no sex, but on the other hand, you aren't respecting his. That's troubling.
In addition, you have gotten A LOT of good feedback here...15 pages thus far. From what I've seen, reading back over this, you have not taken one word of good feedback given to you. You've defended, you've explained, you've pooh poohed, and I think that's why I'm getting frustrated. I'm speaking only for myself here, obviously.

Counseling has been suggested. You say you don't need it (or that's how I understood it). I'm wondering what doctor rx'd you A/D's and no counseling? I'm also wondering how often your life is in turmoil because of the things that YOU are doing...? Is there ever peace? Are you able to be at peace? Do you understand what I even mean when I talk about peace?

I think you need to get right with God first. I think you need to get right with yourself- THROUGH IC. I really think you need to do this before you consider marrying ANYBODY!!! I don't think that you really understand happiness! That makes me sad for you. I'm saying this to you in hopes that you will truly think about it... let it sink in. Although my fear is there will be another long response and everything I'm saying here just brushed over again with defenses and why you shouldn't do this or that.

What got me thinking about this most was your statement comparing BF to XH. My dear friend, what you said is a COMPLETE statement of denial. Having have worked with women of abuse, AND being one myself, saying what you said (and again, you can go ahead and defend or explain how and why you said it, but it's right here in writing!!) scares the living ****** (yes, I said ******) out of me for you!

What are you so afraid of? Why can't you leave BF alone long enough to figure out what's going on with you? Why can't you see and admit that you MAY have some things to work on concerning yourself BEFORE you run off and get married?

I'm concerned and frustrated. I hope you take this in the spirit in which it is given; in hope for you; faith that you make the right decisions so you have no regrets; and love that we BOTH share in Christ. But most of all, I wish you peace

I have to honestly say.....I wish the boyfriend would read this thread. I think we would be able to get through to him before we can her.

And Drita....you are SOOOO right when it comes to saying that she expects HIM to honor HER boundary but yet SHE isn't willing to honor HIS. That is such a HUGE HUGE HUGE flaming red flag for me!!!

Wow Drita -- I think you got it...It is about Lordslady and her finding herself and her being happy with herself before she can or ever will be happy with anyone...And I think that her daughter should be her top priority right now.. A 16 year old daughter who quit school and is going away for a week with friends is not right... I dont' care how you cut it... She needs boundaries set... I myself have been dealing with issues since 2002 - I dont' date anyone - would it make me happy probably but you know what I am not happy with myself...I don't know who I am or what I want -- yet I am ok with it... I have been to like three different counselors - always they helped with my situation from the divorce and stuff and how I was handling it - I hadn't been to a counselor in probably in over six months - yet I have recently decided to find a new one - she has taken everything in a different direction and now it isn't about what happened to me - But how I feel and how I need to work on me... On how I need to be accepting of myself.... Lordslady you aren't happy with yourself -you are worried you are to skinny you have no chest - you have baggage.. but don't we all... I dont' think you can fully give yourself to someone else until you are fully happy with yourself and really while you may have feelings for this man... and who is to say he isn't Mr. Wonderful... but really he is never gonna be Mr. Wonderful if you are not Ms. Wonderful... Really I think you need to go to counseling for you ... about you ... Learn how to be happy and accepting of you... Learn how to deal with your daughter - your past and then you can move on with your future...

What does it mean?


You didn't have THOSE beliefs! If you had them you wouldn't have sex with him.
You don't have them now either, for you would not have any doubts, nor you would force yourself to "TRY" to pray God daily. You would be in peace, and you are so far from it.
You might have them in the future though, but not going the path you are walking on now...

And, I'm deeply convinced this is not about sex.
If you didn't have it, you'd find something else.
This is not 'God's voice in your head' either.
It's just - excuse.
You either cannot stand happiness, or you think that life is boring without some dramas, or you want to have full control, or you simply want to check how much you mean to him and if not why waste your time, for you rush to get married...
Or it's just that you want to be married.

Please get some good counselling.

And please stop calling God's name in vain...

LL,
I am not quite up-to-date on the latest scoop, but I wanted to toss out one thing for you to mull over.

One thing that I perceive is that somehow you're trying to "make it happen". By that I mean that you have to "find" a BF or whatever. (I'm not talking about "needing a man", I'm just saying that as a now-single woman that wants to be married, part of that process is finding a man).

The thing is, is that if that's the desire of your heart, and you recognize that God wants to bless you with good things in abundance, that your *only* responsibility is obedience. And when you're obedient, then *he'll* fulfill the promises. You don't have to go out there and try and fulfill it for him. Look what happened to Abraham and Sara and Hagar to see how poorly that plan worked out.

The thing is, that realizing that your only part in the process is to be obedient (by conscious choice and will), is that you *don't* have to worry about how the promise will be fulfilled. YOu just know that it will be. ANd let God take care of the When.

Our pastor preached an awesome sermon on Hebrews 11 tonight that while it certainly had many nuggets in there for me, you kind of "popped" into my head when he was talking.

Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled life.

Alluring,

Okay, as for "freeing" my BF, right now I'm still letting him make his own decision there. I did think about it. And the first thing that came to mind was that his last GF used to want to "give him space" each time she was off to see her other guy and so a couple times early on when I acted like I wanted to back off and let him have time to think about things (related to my daughter), it sort of triggered the memories of her and he took it as I was cutting and running. So, for the moment, I'm going to let him make his own decisions of staying/leaving and not be the one to bolt.

Drita,

First, perhaps you haven't been around me long enough to hear me mention a number of times that I have a VERY THICK SKULL and it does take time to get me to really "get it". I am aware of that. I frustrate myself! But it's how I've been since I was a wee tot, and I don't see a miraculous personality change coming anytime soon. I just have to mull things over in my brain until I finally get them.

As for the sex thing, and peace...it's sort of a two-fold deal. I do feel peace about my decision to not have sex in that I am 100% convinced it is the correct decision. I have asked God to forgive me, and to help me be stronger in the future.

So why am I still struggling? I'm trying to figure that out myself, and yes, I AM asking for God's help in it. I think it's a combined fear of losing BF (and that said, I am reading the "Boundaries in Dating" book and do realize that I am the classic example of no Christian support network), a fear of how difficult it's going to be to maintain my no-sex stance (I've never really had to do it in a relationship before, because when I was dating my now ex-husband, the only other person I was in a long-term sexual relationship with, I wasn't a Christian), a general feeling of being overwhelmed in so many areas of life (again, lack of a Christian friends network), and finally, the realization that I've totally stuffed God into a corner over the last 3 months and how much I need to get that all turned around.

Then there's the issue of just feeling physically awful which is adding to the lack of peace. When you feel weak and tired and nauseaus and headachy and shaky every morning when you wake up, and you have all this on your mind, it's just very overwhelming. I want to feel better. I'm still thinking it's a combination of worry, of the A/D start-up side effects, and of my pretty much eating nothing for the past two weeks and dropping a bunch of weight. (Some people eat when stressed--I lose my appetite--always have). I'm trying to eat, but again, don't really feel much like cooking when I get home from work at 8pm, and don't have the $$ to eat out each night, and like yesterday at work, things got out of hand, and I totally missed lunch. So it's been a struggle. And this morning, I got up--snow on the ground--snowblower won't start--I still have a fractured right wrist (and I'm right-handed) that isn't healing properly--and I had to go out and scoop my driveway feeling like crud. So that's sort of a snapshot into why I may be struggling a little with anxiety. But I am praying...a LOT...that God will pull me back out of what I've termed in past years "the pit".

Maw64,

Yes, I am still "finding myself". As for being skinny--I AM! That's not something I'm worried about guys not liking--it's an issue right now because I dropped weight from stress and nothing fits, and I don't feel good. I need to gain that weight back. As for my chest, as wrong as some of the things I've done in my post-DV dating have been, some of them have shown me that my chest size doesn't really seem to be an issue were many guys are concerned, so it's actually been sort of a blessing. Having only really been with one guy, and him being such a large-boob fanatic, between that and all today's media fix on bust size...I thought I was hopeless. I realize in that area, that I"m not. (Still is a very frustrating clothing issue, though!)

As for my daughter and boundaries, I have set boundaries--they are no $$, no cell phone, no smoking in the house, no alcohol anywhere on property. Those are about the only boundaries a person who is gone from 9am to 7-8pm each weekday can set for a girl who is determined to live life as she sees fit. We've seen 3 different counselors over a period of years. They've all three quit seeing her because she does NOT want to work with them. But the last one was the one who told me flat out, "You are required to provide food, clothing and shelter until she's 18. You need to decide what you can live with beyond that. She's heard you. You're not going to be able to tell her anything more than you've told her already. She knows what you expect. She just has to decide if she's going to do it." So my boundaries may not be what you envision boundaries to be, but without a two-parent family where one parent can be around her pretty much 24/7, there are few other choices--and this doesn't come from me, it came from the professionals.

Belonging,

I am struggling to not vent here. It bothers me a great deal that someone would judge what's in my heart. Christians struggle with things. Sometimes they really have strong beliefs about something, but can still make mistakes and fall into that sin. I truly DO believe sex outside marriage is wrong. Why do you think once I started doing it I totally ignored God for 3 months?

I am further offended by your suggestion that I am not a believer at all:



I am crying out to God for help. I know I'm weak. I need him. It's dangerous to tell someone who is weak and struggling and feeling far from God that they're crying out in vain. It could make them just give up and jump off a cliff or something, because they feel there is then no hope for them left. Thankfully, I have enough strength (and God has pulled me out of my anxiety before) that I'm clawing and hanging on and am not going to let your comments bother me for long. But I think at the least they were unfair, and actually were rather dangerous.

A Christian will always encourage another Christian to pray, to seek God, to grasp onto him, no matter how much that peace that weak Christian lacks. They won't stab the knife in and tell them they're crying out in vain...

Read Psalms. David was pretty weak and I'm thinking perhaps depressed a few times. He obviously wasn't always 100% at peace. Did he give up? No. He cried out to God.

Jaye,

Yes, I think that's part of my struggle. I am a now-single woman who does want to be married again. And when someone comes along (aka my now BF), I find myself having thoughts like "Is this the one God brought me?" And in the beginning, given how we started out and what he accepted and the things he said, I really thought maybe this was God's answer. Then we botched it really bad by doing what we did. Now I have no idea. I am praying for guidance. I am praying for God to keep my eyes open.

I know in my mind that God wants to bless me with the things I *need*. I am struggling with reconciling that to the things I want. It's very hard for me to let go of control. Always has been. That is one of my spiritual struggles--that and worry--they sort of go hand in hand.

I truly am trying. And I know I really have to get closer to the women in my church. I need their support.

As for the obedience part, that's my other struggle, I think. I was raised in a church who taught that you had to be "good enough" to go to heaven. My mom has frequently been heard saying "I hope I've been good enough." So there's this struggle with letting go of the legalistic part (because it's Jesus' blood that saves me, not my actions), and yet not falling into willful disobedience because that is not condoned (and in my eyes, can mean if you continue in it, you're not a true believer). Does this make sense?

I know I sin, but sometimes I feel like I have to look at EVERYTHING I do and be perfect to be obedient, and I fail because I get my priorities messed up, and then I start questioning things. Totally a product of 18 years of childhood, but a tough one to deal with. Have worked some with my pastors, but realize ultimately it's something that I am going to have to work out with God.

LL

Please feel free to do so.


No, I don't judge what's in your heart (cannot read it), but your words Vs. your actions (according to your writings here).


I meant what you said right now - you are far from God.
Why would you be insulted if you think the same?

NO, I didn't say you are crying out in vain!
I said what you quoted ("stop calling God's name in vain")
The Third Commandment, dear...

taking the Lord's name in vain... I believe... (is this what you are referring to, Belonging)... is also when people do things and use God as the excuse.

An extreme example.... people bomb abortion clinics, killing people, in the name of God.

But making decisions about your life, claiming that God is leading you in that direction, when really there might be otherunderlying reasons or issues leading you in that direction... not God.

(I'm not saying this is what you're doing. I don't know what's in your heart. Just explaining another perspective of taking the Lord's name in vain.)

Lordslady - as for your daughter and boundaries - I understand that you have an obligation to her until she is 18 - legally and you really - have an obligation to her forever because well she is your daughter - but maybe if she goes away for the week - you report her as a runaway and let the law handle her - You are giving her a roof over her head no money - and pretty much letting her do what she wants to do...I work fulltime 7-3:30 everyday - and work parttime - two/three nights per week - 5 to 11 and Sat/Sun either all day or night shift depending -and there is no way my girls ages - 15 1/2 and 12 - would ever just go off for a week with their friends... or disrespect my authority... My girls are home alone alot but I am in constant contact and hopefully am raising good kids... And if you have been through three counselors for your daughter you keep tyring until you find one that works - but I was talking about a therapist for YOU - not for your daughter.... You know what I am catholic and I believe in god - I just don't see how you can feel all of this Christian beliefs yet you don't do them - you "sin" if you will then beat yourself up and say god has forgiven you and you must change now - that is my only issue - I think it is great to believe and live a good life - but you cannot let it turn your life into a mess because though you wish to follow the rules you are continually breaking them??? that is what I don't get???

You read me so very right.
And it can happen to all of us... Problem is when we don't (want to) see it...

You obey God's rules (how you interpret them is a totally different story!!!), or you do not.
BUT you are fine with yourself EITHER WAY.
If you are not fine, then make CHOICE.
E.i. if you do not obey but you do try (if you wish/decide so), then you don't say my beliefs, but you say beliefs I want to achieve one day.
Etc.

... (error)...

Belonging,

First, the SOLE reason I made my decision is because God's word says it's wrong to have sex outside marriage. Period. And it is my desire (not always successful) to obey God.

Maybe the 3rd commandment has been differently interpreted by different people. I sort of took it to mean, don't call yourself a Christian if you're not. That's in vain. And so I took offense, because I truly DO believe I'm a Christian, just one who struggles with some weaknesses and issues and who truly does desire God's help.

As for my beliefs, I don't see that it's wrong to say "this is how I believe". We can feel a certain way and still fail, but it is our desire to live up to those beliefs. I believe it's wrong to be materialistic. I struggle with that, too. Are you going to say that I don't believe that way? I do wish to achieve perfection--where my actions are totally in line with my beliefs. I'm not there yet, and we all know none of us ever will be. I'm working on it, though, and asking for God's help.

And no, if I DON'T obey God's rules, I'm not fine with it. When I screw up, I don't ever want to get to the point where I say, "Oh, I'm just human. No one is perfect." That's true, but when you can say it and not feel grieved that you disappointed God, and you lose your desire to do better next time, I think there's a bigger underlying problem.

Faith,

I'm trying to listen for God's direction in general for my life, but truly, it was because of what God's word says that caused my decision. Believe it or don't. If the Bible didn't say it, I'd still be moving right along the path I was on because I was personally enjoying it. But obedience (as Jaye said) needs to come first.

Maw64,

Turning my daughter in has been considered and reconsidered 100 times. However, the result of it will most likely be her totally shutting me out of her life OR going silent at some point and splitting where I can't find her. My family, my coworkers, and my pastor who I've bounced this off of all are of the same opinion--let her go, do everything you can to keep communication open, wish her well, get as much info as you can, and pray. She's going to have to learn life's lessons the hard way. Some people just do.

But yes, it's scary!

LL

LL - I don't mean turning her in - to get rid of her - I mean turning her in to admit - that though I love her I have done everything in my power to help her - and well nothing I am doing seems to help so I need help..Heck - write to Dr. Phil he always seems to be doing interventions.... But I am curious - where is your daughter when you go off to see your boyfriend on the weekends??? And as for your daughter shutting you out - maybe if she shut you off completely and realized that she was getting and going no where she would come to you for help???? just a thought??? Right now it seems to me that - You are concerned about your problems - and offering your daughter a place to live with warm clothes and letting her do what and when she wants... If I were her I would think well my mom doesnt' care - you know??? And you know what if you were enjoying the way your life was going - then really why is it wrong???? You cannot make me understand that being intimate with someone you love and eventually want to make a life with is gonna get you struck by lightening....

Maw64,

I knew you didn't mean getting rid of her. And maybe I am making a poor decision by doing what I'm doing with her, but right now it feels like the right one at the moment, so I'm going with it. (Although I have no desire to be on public display, writing Dr. Phil I hadn't really thought of. Hmmmm..)

When I go to see my BF on weekends, I don't leave until Saturday afternoon and I come home Sunday evening. I'm only gone a little over 24 hours. Once in a while she's actually around town and has done a fair job taking care of the dogs and keeping up my house. Often, she's already taken off on a Friday night with friends and is gone for the weekend. And on the weekends when he has come to see me, we are pretty much around the house most of the time except for an occasional movie, or lunch out after church. He stays in my extra bedroom (my son's, while he is in college). And he's been more than social with her when she's made rare appearances. She actually likes him--has said as much to me.

As for caring, I did go through a period of time when I turned her in repeatedly for running away overnight. It drove a wedge between us and we ended up fighting, screaming, and things were just uglier. And the law didn't help because she doesn't get in trouble with the law overall. No thefts or anything like that. Her only record is one of school truancy (which now is irrelevant because she's of age to quit without my permission in Iowa) and of the runaways. Oh, and of stealing some $ from me once--the cops pretty much TOLD me I was nuts to file charges on her, but I did anyway. Point being, that stuff didn't work, so I'm trying something different. She has been told OVER and OVER that come her 18th birthday, if she's not either in school full time or working full time, she will not be living at home.

As for her coming to me if she shut me off completely--I don't know, but it's not something I'm yet ready to attempt. I want to keep that lifeline open with her. And yes, she does have it pretty easy with me, but I have greatly reduced what she gets now vs. what she used to get (money every weekend and a cell phone.)

Not addressing the intimacy/lightening thing. I'm sticking to what I feel is the right decision.

LL

LL -

I say call Dr. Phil. This is a real mess. I believe that everyone needs to be responsible for something. Your daughter should be going to school. She dropped out. She is not working either. And she is only 16.

She will continue to cause you problems until someone gives her some boundaries. Eighteen won't be the magic age, because by that time she will undoubtedly have a baby, and you won't want to put the baby out.

Alrighty then - I guess I understand the situation with you daughter because well she is your daughter and you cannot give up on her completely - Now frankly the whole other issue I am thinking and I am going to keep on thinking that you are bringing most of this on yourself and I don't think that I am going to change my opinion on that.. Life is to short you deserve to have happiness... I mean everyone does... And God I am thinking would want you to be truly happy.... So that is all I am gonna say.. If you want to keep beating yourself up because you are afraid that you are not christian enough and you keep committing sins and then being forgiven well then by all means go right ahead... I wish you much joy and happiness - I am just afraid that you don't want it - or you are looking for ways to ruin it.. and that is all I am gonna say - So stay happy....

Lordslady, as I read through this thread, the question I keep coming back to is this: "If God were to pick out a man to be Lordslady's husband, what sort of man would he be?" This is a question I wish you would ask yourself.

Honestly - although this is just my own opinion - I do not believe that the man God would choose for you would be anything other than a spiritual and moral leader. At the very least, I believe he would be a spiritual and moral supporter. When you find yourself measuring moral compromises which may follow the letter of the "law" but skirt the spirit, just so you can maintain a relationship, it seems clear that something is wrong.

It is within the realm of possibility that this man could become a suitable husband for you, but based on all you have written it is hard for me to believe that he is now that man.

I do not mean this as a slam on him or his character. But it just seems to me that the right relationship is one which would pull you closer to God, not one which would pull you away. That's not to imply that the right relationship wouldn't have its fair share of difficulties, but the way this one has been going just feels wrong to me, if that makes any sense. If this crisis precipitates a transformation of spirit in both of you, then great! But trying to find a way to keep the relationship going without enthusiastically embracing the challenges strikes me as futile.

Your perspective on God's "rules" still bothers me. Here's another example of what I mean: you wrote...

God's will for our lives is not simply encompassed in the following of His "rules." I don't believe He wants us to follow his rules just so we can avoid punishment, and I don't believe that God's approval or blessing is garnered or guaranteed just by following His precepts. The rules are not enough.

The Psalmist wrote "Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." But sometimes we get caught up with staring into the lamp instead of walking down the path, or we treat the lamp as if it were the Guide Himself.

God's role in our lives is ideally far more than offering or withholding a stamp of approval on our behavior. He wants to nurture us and to grow us and to use us and, yes, He wants to bring us joy. Granted, His ideas and methods are often peculiar, but He still knows the best road for us to walk, even when it makes little sense to us.

When God watches one of His children marry someone whom He would not have picked for her (or him), I think His blessing is more along the lines of Isaac's blessing of Esau, where Esau cried for a blessing but Isaac could only give him what was left over after bestowing the greater blessing on Jacob. God does the best He can within the limits placed on Him by our free will, but He may have something far better in mind for us than we can fathom when we make our choices, and so we lose out on the greater blessing.

I don't know what God may have in mind here with your situation, Lordslady, or what future He may desire for your relationship with this man. But you can't go wrong looking first to God.

GNP,

Thanks once again for your insight. I can't say I don't agree with you on most of it (maybe all of it, even).

I am praying daily...actually many times per day, for guidance from God, that he will help me keep my eyes open in all this and that he will strengthen me both spiritually and physically. Right or wrong, I also have been praying that God will work in my BF's life, to help him not struggle so much with his desires and with this decision, which by the way, he seems to be dealing with slightly better at this point than he was a week ago.

I do agree that whoever I marry, should I be so fortunate as to get that chance again, should be the spiritual leader. However, one thing I'm learning from the "Boundaries in Dating" book is that in a relationship, the spiritual part should be very important, but we can't rely on someone else for our strength, or to pull us along. We have to own our own spirituality. I made this mistake in my marriage, and while I see no real evidence that my ex was even a believer beyond the claim he mouthed about being one, I was SO disappointed in my marriage because he wasn't my supporter or my leader. But for a long time, I didn't take responsibility for my own spirituality.

Anyway, getting off on a tangent there. Point being, I am watching BF carefully. I haven't done my part either to try and keep God first in the relationship. So, we are integrating a few spiritual discussions into our phone conversations again--something we did early on in our interacting. We've not actually prayed together or anything yet, but we do discuss views and interpretations of things. Actually tonight, he brought something up when we were together as we were flipping TV channels and hit one with TV evangelists, and we had a little discussion about all that and our feelings and views on some of them and if that's what God really desires. And he's still very agreeable to going through "Purpose Driven Life" with me. We started it, and then sort of got sidetracked. We're going to pick it up again as soon as he has his college paper done in a week or two. No, it's not the Bible, but it's full of biblical principles. I think it will be a good place to start to see how we do on a sort-of devotional type thing together, and then go from there. Though I'm open to ideas.

Overall, he really is a pretty good guy. His struggle is definitely in the area of sexual desire. He's only been in a few real relationships in his life, and each one of them has included physical intimacy, so this is something very new to him--to both of us--and it's further complicated by the fact that we went where we went and now I'm trying to turn that all back around.

That said, I did opt to go visit him for a few hours tonight, as we will not be seeing each other for at least a week now, maybe almost two, depending on schedules. Again, while we haven't exactly held to just looking each other in the eye or holding hands, we again kept things much, much better than where we were going before. While he admits that all it takes is being around me to make things difficult for him, kept at the level we've kept things at the last two times together, I have been very able to not let my mind wander to areas that are dangerous for me. He has respected my boundaries and, while he may have made some of those verbal comments, he's not physically pushed them. When I say we need to back off, he backs off.

I'm still not confident that this won't just finally make him crazy and he'll decide to end the relationship. But while he still makes comments every now and then, I do wonder if they're more to ease his tension than anything else. I stopped him tonight as he said something and asked if he was angry about all this. And he said, "If I were, would it make a difference in your boundaries?" "Nope", I said. His reply, "Then there's no reason to get angry, is there."

He seemed fairly content overall tonight. Again, we only spent about 4 hours alone together. I think much more than that is probably not a good idea yet. So, trying to settle myself down and take it one day at a time, instead of trying to "what if" the future (NOT an easy thing for me!), trying to keep my eyes open.

My other goal which has become very apparent...try and drop the introvert personality long enough to get some guts and some ambition and get to know a few women from my church. There aren't many there--it's a small church. But I've been invited to some craft show on Sunday night by the wife of one of my pastors. Since I'm not seeing BF, I'm going. Not sure how I'll relate to a bunch of married women, many of whom are stay-at-home mom's with younger, relatively-well-behaved children at home, but it's a start. I need Christian support. If I had a support network of other people who share my beliefs who I could call or visit or whatever, I might not have had such a difficult time with this whole thing and my fears of BF bolting. This is a hard time for me to do this. I'm already not in the best spirits, I'm physically not feeling all that great although as of today I'm eating a little better, it's very cold and dreary here which makes me want to bury myself in a blanket and hibernate (that's normal for me even if I'm in great spirits in the winter), work is taking more time than normal, it's the holiday season which I'm spending pretty much alone (bah-humbug!), and I'm just not that much of a going-out-to-socialize person. I'm a homebody. But I'm not going to build my support that way, am I?

So it's a goal. It may take forever to achieve, but I'm starting it Sunday night.

LL

A little more to add as I think on this more this morning:

Not making excuses here for BF, because GNP is right--I would like to see more spiritual "strength" or motivation than I'm currently seeing. In the beginning of our relationship, our visits about things spiritual were more frequent. Then "other things" started happening, and the spiritual stuff dropped to nothing.

That's just plain bad, but not only on his part, but on MINE as well.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I do want to see more than what I'm seeing. I'm not sure I'll ever see him "enthusiastically embrace" this no-sex challenge. I can't honestly say I enthusiastically embrace it, though I can say I truly believe it is the correct choice and is one I am striving to maintain.

Boundaries--I'm also guilty there, because I didn't want to totally stop being physically close to him either. So the boundary compromise was almost as much for me as for him. The problem is that I can handle some physical intimacy and not have my mind automatically go to "that place", but he doesn't seem to be able to.

Okay, my point here:

I need to pray for both of us, I need to keep my eyes open, I need to work on building that Christian support network because I need it now to help me keep my life balanced and I will really need it badly should he and I split up (because it will be very hard to let go, even if it is best).

But, I need to work on owning MY spirituality. Have we prayed together ever? No. Have we read the bible together ever? No. Do we discuss our thoughts on certain biblical topics or issues? Not often anymore. Do we discuss our goals for growing spiritually? No. Have I seen us grow spiritually? No.

Now, question to LL: Have I asked him to do any of these things with me. The answer...a big "NO". The one thing I did mention once, that I thought it would be good if we perhaps tried something like devotions together--he went out and bought me "Purpose Driven Life" for my birthday, saying he thought that might be a good one for us to read together. Have we done it? No. Have I pressed it and had him turn me down? Nope. I just haven't made it a priority.

So he needs to grow. He may not be the one for me (and I fully admit that if he's not and I end up being the one who has to pull the plug, it is going to be extremely difficult and painful.). But it is obvious that I need to do some growing, and some re-prioritizing myself. I need to be more open with him spiritually. And I need to observe.

LL