Someone said earlier that you are going about all this [censored]-backwards. I agree. I also agree with GDP's post, which was the same assessment, and you pretty-much glossed over it. You are focusing on SEX, and going at the relationship THAT WAY, instead of focusing on your relationship with GOD, and your relationship with BF, and letting all the other pieces (which include sex, and a whole bunch of other things) fall into place.

Do you see what I'm getting at?

You're putting together a jigsaw puzzle by choosing 1 piece and working your way out, WITHOUT looking at the picture on the box. Look at the box!!! The pieces will fall into place, if you FOCUS on the PICTURE!

So my question:

How do I focus on the bigger picture? And is there any way any of you at all see where there might be a resolution that would bring us back from the brink and help him not to end things with me and yet help me not to feel I'm walking away from God?

Maybe he's not the one--maybe God is pounding that in my brain and I'm not hearing it. All I know is that I'm pretty sure he's going to walk away because it's crossed the line of being too much drama, too much chaos, and too much trouble, and I can hardly blame him.

How do I FOCUS on the PICTURE? I'm not getting it!

LL

I really am not one to give advice - but I look at it like you are just looking to find the One - not just having a good time and finding yourself.... You sound unsure about this man... I think you are putting to much emphasis on the fact that you don't want to have sex until you are married - then you met someone and think well he could be the one then you have sex - then you bash your head up against the wall because you had sex and now you think maybe he isn't the one.... I guess you let yourself get to serious - before really knowing what you want... and you are afraid that maybe no one else is gonna like you - so maybe you have to settle for this one....

Well... *I think*... first of all. Relax, and wait. Your last e-mail needs to sit... and let BF read, think, and decide some things. During this waiting, you need to read, pray, and write in a journal. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you". Focus on that for now.

If BF wants to talk, LISTEN to him. I think you need to relax your inner talk, and really LISTEN to him, his viewpoints, his ideas, and brainstorm where to go from here, if he becomes willing to talk about things. He may have some wisdom about where to go from here.

If ya'll decide to stay together, and work on things, the PICTURE, is what? What do you want for your life? Talk about it with BF. Where do ya'll want God in your life? God first? Do you need to focus more on your relationship with God, and quit thinking about this sex problem so much? Can you join a Bible-study group. or start your own bible-study. Focus on something Godly (the picture), so that the rest of the pieces of your life will fall into place. (Again, why be so hung up on just THIS rule, and just THIS part of your life. THIS sin? Why not work on every part of your walk?)

But for NOW... relax, and wait, and give this time to settle a bit.

Faith I'm with you on this one...those have been my thoughts all along but like you I'm not one to quote scriptures but the first thing that popped into my small little brain was "Let Go and Let God"

Good Luck LL

I was speaking with a gentleman last night about character defects and he said something rather interesting "You can't think yourself into actions but your actions can change your thinking."

Same thing kind of applies here. You mentioned a falling away of sorts. Start with actions to get back on the right path with Him. Hit your knees. Read the word. Act 'as if' and your thinking will follow.

Your man-friend is going to do what he's going to do and truly, short of compromising your values, there is little that you can do about that. Thus, it's out of your control. Your daughter is pretty much the same, she's going to do her will, again out of your control. Focus on what you do have control over and pray for the rest.

LL? You there?

Well, no emails from him all day. He would have been working on his paper for class tonight, so I'm sure he's been at his computer all day. So, no responses to mine.

Is this a guy's way of saying, "Get the hint...I'm ignoring you. Go away", so that he doesn't actually have to come out and voice it?

It would be a really bad idea for me to drive over and pop in unexpectedly tomorrow evening after he gets back from dropping his kids off at their mom's, wouldn't it?

LL

How about this: he can think for himself, he needs a little time to process this, and it's possible he REALLY cares about you... and there's nothing to worry about.

?

Yes, Faith, I'm here. I'm just hurting a lot. I guess while I knew this was a possibility, I truly did think in the back of my mind that maybe there was some ray of hope that it would all work out.

I really did think I knew him. Guess I don't. Doesn't make this waiting/ignoring game any easier.

Do I call him tonight? I'm sure he won't answer, but is it impolite for me to call him given the situation. I generally call him about 50% of the time, he calls me the rest.

LL

But... you won't know if you keep bugging him...

and... where's that FAITH we've been talking about?

I think we were posting at the same time.

I'm leaving work. I'm not sure you read all the things we posted to you on page 6. You are still very anxious and obsessed with his reactions/opinions, and you need to let it go for a little bit, to give him some space, and relax your mind. I hope you'll read page 6 of this thread again... and relax. And don't call him, k?

((((((LL)))))))

That would be a fatal, nuclear, Lovebuster.

LL, why can't you just let him be for a day or two? You are on a fast track to ruining the entire relationship right in front of our eyes; why can't you take a time-out? Please???

You are completely in control of your own actions (not of his), but you are currently exercising that control to kill the relationship and any chance of negotiation and reconciliation.

Please, stop and wait.

AGG

LL,

You've gotten much good advice. Some bad, but most good. In the end, it boils down to choice. If you're praying that somehow God is going to just make this all go away and it is just some bad dream, then unfortunately, I think you're just kidding yourself. There are consequences for sin. It's that simple.

Ultimately, it boils down to choice. YOu make the choice to have faith, you make the choice to not have sex, yo umake the choice to believe God's divine plan for you is the best, you make the choice to not let it bother you.

There is some serious bio-chemistry at work as well, so you have to resist your 5 senses and the [censored] your mind is telling you, and stick with what your heart knows is the Truth.

I suspect that you are spreading yourself too thin, especially since your top priority needs to be resolving the issues with your daughter. Do not allow your priorities to become confused. If this relationship is destined to happen, it *will* happen, you can be assured. It sounds a bit like you're tacking two mountains, and don't have enough in you to handle both.

This guy doesn't sound like he's going anywhere, I doubt he's torn you out of his LBB, and a sure-fire relationship wedgie comes from clinginess and neediness. So make sure you project the image you want.

And lastly, I think your BF has got a bit of cake-eating mentality. But it's the *actions* that matter, not the words, and you know what the Word says, and the actions *must* line up with it. Talk is cheap.

Good luck.

He can say the same thing about you, LL.


NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LL -

BE STILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew!

I can sympathize with you a lot. When I am in the middle of a situation, the thing that is the hardest in the world is to do nothing at all. I want to fix it, now, right now, I want to do something, anything, because that situation is all I can think of, it's the only thing on my mind, I can't think of anything else, do anything else, and I just HAVE to do something about it.

Stop!

Several other people have said it, but let me say it too. I think the man needs some time. I think you do too. Breathe, eat, try to relax a little, as hard as that's going to be.

And pray. Do a little reading. And pray a little more. Ask God to quiet your mind and help you see the answers you need. To settle your nerves, and give you the strength to do what you should, and the faith to trust in Him.

Be patient.

Really, I would not try and call at least until Thanksgiving day. If he calls you before then, great. But don't call him. Give him the space and the time to think and to not feel so pressured. Same with the e-mails. He's got a lot on his mind, and to most guys, when they are dealing with something like this, so many phone calls and e-mails feels like a whole lot of pressure. Back off a little, and try to calm down.

Even on Thursday, if you do call, I would do no more than a "wanted to wish you a happy Thanksgiving, and tell you I am missing you" kind of call, unless he leads into it being more than that. Let him lead for a while on this. At least give him a chance to have a few days to get his head on straight and fully grasp all that has happened before you try forcing more conversation about it on him.

Try to settle down a little. I know it seems urgent to figure this out this moment, but I guarantee, this is a situation where holding off a little and waiting to figure things out is probably better.

AGG,

As much as I miss him and want to be near him, I will try and resist the urge to jump in my car tomorrow night and go over.

Jaye,

I know clinging is bad, yet I fear I've already crossed that line. And I'm so afraid he's already made his decision, and that all my overwhelming emails so far have put the final nail in the coffin. It's just so unlike him not to call or email.

But I will try very hard not to call tonight, even if I don't hear from him. Right now I know he has class and won't be home until close to 9pm. That's 3 more hours. But after that, I'm going to start going nutty if he doesn't call, and he probably won't.

Yes, I am spread very thin, and there is no help or support for my DD situation. My parents are aged, have their own issues, and live 80 miles away. My ex has nothing to do with his DD other than a very occasional phone call and an equally occasional child support check. So it's on my shoulders, and she's now been kicked out of school, probably for good, and she's doing nothing with her life. Problem is, I have no control either. I've taken away her phone and her $$, and she still finds ways. She just waits until I go to work or got somewhere and she splits with friends. She has a connection that spans the city. I have no idea what to do with her. She doesn't want to open up or really share with me.

osxgirl,

Settling==something I don't do well. Patience is a virtue I don't possess. It's killing me to not have some form of resolution now.

As for when I can call or try and contact him if he doesn't contact me, the issue is that he is supposed to be at my family's thanksgiving dinner on Thursday at my place. I'd really like to know if he's still planning on it (doubtful, I'd guess, but don't want to rule it out).

Waiting to me, and hearing nothing--all I can think is that he's done and just not ready to have to dump the news on someone who has told him she loves him.

I'm exhausted, I'm not eating, I finally bought a few nutritional supplement drinks, I'm home from work, my head is pounding, so I'm going to lay down for a few hours and hope things get better somehow.

LL

yes you do. . .

you need professional help more than this board can give.
and serious professional help would be the best gift you could give yourself this holiday season. . .

wiftty

Some months ago I found myself availed of an opportunity I was really excited about. I had mentioned the idea of a project to someone - a project which I could not do by myself and which very few people might be competent or positioned to help me with - and to my surprise this person was interested in working on it with me. She suggested that we pray about it.

Now to my mind, she was the one who needed to do the praying, since of course I wanted to do it, and it was more a question of whether her scarce time should be expended on the project. But I dutifully prayed anyway. And to my astonishment, God told me "no" - not unless I fulfilled a condition which I was emphatically unenthusiastic about fulfilling. Moreover, neither the answer nor the condition made any sense to me, as the condition didn't even seem to have anything to do with the project.

I agonized about this. I tried to bargain with God about maybe finding some other condition or perhaps modifying the one He had given. But nothing I tried with Him worked, and I finally gave in. I was really hoping that my prospective partner would have come up with a "no" answer herself, for then I wouldn't even have to tell her about my nonsensical predicament, and it wouldn't be my own foolishness which prevented me from something really special. (After all, how could I even be certain that I'd gotten the message right, or that there had been a message at all? It would be pretty stupid to turn this opportunity down just because I'd experienced some ridiculous neural short-circuit.) But no, when we met again she was all set to go forward, and I had to tell her I couldn't do it after all.

Oh, I certainly kicked myself. Sure, I knew deep down that I had done what I needed to do. But it still hurt to have lost what may very well have been a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and to know that I had done it to myself.

It took a little while for me to realize that, what I needed even more than the opportunity which had been presented to me, was an answer to a question I had been struggling with for some time: the question of whether I was able and willing to hear God's voice - to truly let Him direct me. What I had learned from this experience was that yes, I was able and willing. I had been given a test, and I had passed. (God had given me the test not because He needed to see what I what I would do; but because I needed to know it.)

Note that if I had not really, really wanted this, it would have proven nothing to me.

It took rather longer for me to begin to understand something of why this opportunity was not the best thing for me at the time, and how the condition God has placed on me was relevant after all. Psalm 84 says that "No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly" and God wasn't really taking away a blessing just to prove a point.

The pain was real, but it was necessary, and God worked it for good.

Of course, faith and divine direction are not as simple as I may be making them sound. Very much in the vein of that experience, I have found myself in a place in life where I am confident that I am on the right road for me, but that road itself makes no sense to me at all, and indeed seems to be going nowhere but into frustration and loneliness and pain. If I am honest, I must acknowledge that in my heart that's where I believe it will end up. Despite all the evidence of God's guidance in my life, and the logical conclusion that His direction must be to some purpose, I can no longer claim to feel that He can or will ever bring that purpose to pass.

I choose to walk in faith anyway.

And with all the pain, there is a large measure of peace.

It is worth it.

How do you focus on the big picture? "Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern." (Matthew 6:32b-33, NLT)

LL,
I remember earlier this summer you were having some struggles and I told you that we live in the same town and I would be happy to spend some time with you, get your mind off things, entertain you, take you somewhere, etc...

I will offer myself up again. If you are interested, you can email me at: **edit**

Even if it is to sit and cry with you, to pray with you, to take your car away so you have no way to do that sneak attack... my friends and I are going out tomorrow after work, you could come to my band practice...just something to get your mind off of this and a few moments away from thinking about this.

I'm here if you need me, just shoot me an email...
Peace, be still! Do nothing! Don't push-let go!
And meet some VERY awesome people! I'm tellin' ya, these girls have helped me through the worst times of my life. You would be more than welcome, and it would be a good diversion. We can tie your daughter up before we go...JUST KIDDING!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />