OG:

If I have come across arrogant in my posts, I apologize for I view myself as a very lucky BS. It was by the Grace of God that my marriage was saved. I used the MB tools to break the affair and it was only the threat of additional exposure that finally got to her. She agreed to quit her job. It took 90 days of he77 to get her to even quit her job though.

I had months of sleepless nights and I lost over 30 lbs and I couldn't work without tearing up throughout the day. I was on pins and needles daily for the first 12 months. Trust me, I do not take my awful experience and what I have learned from it as now thinking I am better or smarter than someone who didn't make it to recovery.

My FWW finally decided to quit hurting me and causing more damage. She didn't do it for me but she did it because I told her I was going to her work the next day and I was going to expose her to her co-workers and her personnel department and then I was going to her mother's house and expose there. I told her by noon the next day every family member on her and my side woill know of her infidelity. She put on a Christian front to all of her co-workers and she was having a secret affair in the office with a co-worker.

Dr. Harley says this is how you can disrupt the affair so I did what he said. If he told me to stand on my head in the middle of the street, I would have tried that too. I never felt comfortable for the first 18 months post DD but things finally fell into place. Where is it that you see arrogance? I don't have it nor do I feel it. I am a beaten man who desperately tried to save the family and was lucky to have a WW decide it was time to become a FWW.

TS

Gimble:

I think the guy was a bit of a loser. He was divorced three years ago and never had a girlfriend since. My best guess is he saw he could be a hero by interceding in the woman who expressed things negatively about their spouses. It was a way for him to have interaction with the opposite sex with a long term agenda.

On the other hand, my wife only lied to me about 500 times so could have she slept with him, absolutely. I drilled her over and over again from so many different angles and her version of the story never changed. I think the age thing caused it to go at slower pace. How could he be interested in someone old enough to be his mother and how could she be comfortable with someone young enough to be her son. That is why I believe the possibility exists she did not have sex with him.

Maybe I should have called him a preditor-lite. He was seeing opportunities and tried to take advantage of them for his own personal gain. On the other hand, my FWW may be trying to help herself cope with the damage she caused me and the kids.

TS

This is interesting.

For me as a former OW involved with a MM, who divorced his wife to be with me (or used me to facilitate his divorce), I now know that there was a time after I found out he was married (8 mo's into our affair) when I abandoned my own standards and decided to play by his rules, or no rules as it were.

I still remember when I found out he was married and broke up with him and told him to go back with his wife that inside I really wanted him to go back and divorce her, which he did. Three months later I took him back (now legally divorced), and at that time if I had any ethics (or brains) I would have told him to go take a flying leap.

I knew he wasn't playing by the same rules as me, but I abandoned my rules in order to be with him.

He was not a predator per say, just a user without character, and I, the moment I found out he was married became just like him.

I am sickened to admit this, but I am also glad...because I am now without shame...because I have accepted my role in the nasty little affair which caused a great deal of loss and pain for all.

I guess their are predators out there to be sure, but there also those who are willing to fall prey to them...and be a victim instead of a willing participant. It is easier on the old conscience I suppose.

Regardless, I am glad you two are together and rebuilding. It makes it all worthwhile to know that there are happy endings on this forum.

Thanks Weaver. I am pleased I was able to stick it out.

Did you marry the OM and are you still together?

TS,

No I don't think you were being arrogant.Not at all.I haven't seen anyone be that here except the occasional OP/troll that starts flaming what we say and do.

It sounds like exposure was the golden key for you.I didn't have that opportunity since my WH got fired before the two of them could actually work together.

I am very glad your marriage was saved and you appear to be secure with that.Thanks for clarifying things.

O

No we are not together any longer. He dumped me after I signed a very valuable piece of island property over to him.

I guess he is on to his next fling...bigger and better seems to be his motto for life. He was married three times before I met him.

I truly am happy for you and your wife. They say that real intimacy can happen now... after the storms have been weathered, and that this is where true love comes in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good for you both!!!!

Thank you too Octobergirl, I used to think I will reach a point where I can change my board name but I think it is appropriate it to never get too comfortable in my M. I think I need to always be aware of my wife's needs. I even now put down the toilet seat, which is something I didn't do for 20 years. Now that is progress, HA!

TooSoon

Wow!! If only every man would do that! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Every little bit helps right? Good for you for trying~

O

Weaver, he probably did you a favor but too bad about the property he took. I have never been able to say this and I am not greatful for the affair, but our marriage is better now than before. We both make a better effort, and yes we still have those times that we wish we were both single.

I used to read past posters who succeeded and I would ask myself how they could talk about their spouses affair in such matter of fact terms and say things that I now finally feel. It is so important for BS's to hang in there as long as they can for time does heal. But, you know I am still here in MB so it still remains important to me to read and learn and maybe in some cases, lay out my experiences.

TooSoon

My wife used to complain about the toilet seat and I would laugh at her and deliberately defy her of that because I had my rights too. Now, I know the little things matter and it is easy to do.

My WH always used to take off his socks in bed and stuff them at the end of the bed under the covers.So,by the end of the week there would be like 10 pairs of socks there even though I repeatedly asked him to take them to the laundry.Only once did he do that for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Wasn't a big deal to him and I felt like a maid.Yes it can be the little things as much as the big things.Recognizing what they are is key.

O

I wish it was mandatory to teach young men and women how important it is to meet the EN of their spouse before they get married. My wife and I had great SF last night and I was so pleased, I made eggs, potatoes, and bacon for her this morning. I have been making breakfast on Sundays more and more. I am such a better husband these days and I hope I never forget that I came close to losing her.

TS

I am sure she did know at that point - the first hug/kiss or movie - of course she knew then. But I would also contend that she was in the fog at that point. A few months of EN's being met - a subtle affair developing before the next step.

My wife had experienced 12 months of care from the OM, a neighbour, before anything physical at all happened. She only considered herself to have had an affair for the last 3 months (after the first touch). But she was already in the fog then. She said she knew what was happening and she went in with her eyes open. She was definitely in a fog then.

Big:

Your questions are million dollar questions. WHY! Figure it out and you make millions of dollars. No reason other than selfish motives. The fog is the fog!

TS

TS

I agree 100% with that.

I am so worried about the quality of MC - a lot of counsellors have no clue about any of this.

If I had not discovered this site (4 weeks into my wife's withdrawal) I just don't know where we would be at now!

Our pastor was great - but no practical use whatsoever.

big:

I helped the flow of the conversation with the MC due to everything I read and because of MB. I kept insisting on NC and it seemed the MC didn't seem to get that was a key to recovery. Finally, I gave my FWW an ultimadum. Total exposure or NC. She quit her job and after her two weeks notice was complete, WD and Recovery began.

TS