In March I found out that my H was having an A. I confronted him with the proof and he denied it. After several days of asking him to admit it he finally did. He also stated that he wanted a D because he wasn’t in love with me anymore, he made a mistake by getting married again and that he wanted to be single again. I exposed him to my family and my MIL. I was 6 months pregnant at the time so my emotions got the best of me. At first, I gave him lots of attention and was extra sweet to him even though it killed me. After 1 month, I became resentful because he was wasn’t doing anything at the time to make amends. In fact, he became distant and mean towards me. He had the attitude of take it or leave it. Eventually, over the next several months he confessed that he had several affairs during our 2 ½ years of marriage and during the 2 years we were dating. I suggested MC and he refused. I gave him an ultimatum–stay but with NC with these women or out. He agreed to NC with these women and try to work things out. In July, I found out that he was still in contact with them so I threw him out. Since then I have exposed him to his family and his boss. We have a 5 month old and when he comes to see him he acts like he’s done nothing wrong. I am so confused. Before I found out about his A everyone including myself thought we had the perfect marriage. I thought we had it all. I am completely devastated because I never saw this coming. Any insight would be helpful. Thank you.

What it is YOU want?

I mean that kindly...

as in what is your specific goal

ARK

I'm sorry i wasn't clear. I love my H and I don't want a divorce but I will not accept his infidelity. I wanted to know if there was any thing I can do to "fix" this.

what does HE say he wants

He wants a D says he doesn't want any commitment.

have you read on this site..
about plan A

do you talk often

does he see the baby on a regular basis...

is he seeing one specific OW or what

Devastated,

Have you read the information on this site on infidelity? I am talking about the information and not the discussion forum. There is some very good information on what has happened to your marriage and also on what your options might be.

Who

Yes, I have read plan A and plan B but not exactly sure where to start.

He calls everyday to find out how the baby is doing and when his next visitation will be. He usually sees the baby twice a week.

From what he's told me it's a specific OW but several OW.

()Hugs))

I'm sorry you're going thru this. It is difficult to learn that the person you love, who is supposed to protect you could hurt you this way and it makes it even worse when they act unrepentant.

When I first found out my H was cheating on me I was 5 months pregnant at the time also and it was devastating. We weren't married at the time, so I broke up with him and did not reconcile until our son was born in Feb of 2006. we got married 4 months later. I really don't have of advice as I just reecntly found out a week ago.. He is still cheating and having an email affair.. nothing physical yet.
but I wanted to let you know I understand the pain you feel.

SO your husband doesn't want any committment but then he said that he wants to stay and NC with the OW? and is it just one OW that he is heavily emotionally connected with or are these just multiple PA's? IF i'm understanding he has been out of the house since July.. is he living with any of the OW's?

I will pray for you and your situation and especially your little one.. I know as a mother myself, we desire to do only what is best for the children. first

((MoBo4))
Our situations are very similar indeed. I'm sorry that you're also dealing with this too. I thought I was the only person who was going through someting like this.

H is not with one specific OW but with several--says he doesn't want a commitment. H is currently living with relatives.

WHOME

Do you mean the article on Surviving Infidelity?

Hello newmom,

I am sorry you are here for Infidelity but it's a supportive place to be.

If you want a chance to save your marriage then at this point a lot of it will be up to you to try.Your WH is a serial cheater and I won't lie to you,people like that rarely change.But if you have the strength to try then you should if that's what you want.It will be very hard though to endure.

Try reading SAA(Surviving an Affair) and HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs) by Dr.Harley.Also check out our MB bookstore for other good reads.

I will say though,that you need to be really sure about what it is you want and take care to see what IS and not what you want.Of course having a faithful husband right now while you have your new baby would be the best for all invovled but your WH is not anywhere near that.And he has cheated on you all along,pre/post marriage and not just once,not even twice.You have to ask yourself if you are willing to go into these waters knowing that the behavior of your WH isn't likely to change without intensive personal counseling/behavior modification/therapy let alone trying to salvage the marriage you have.

I can appreciate how scary all this is but look at what is in the best interest of your child and what do you want as ark asked.Try not to allow being on your own with a baby be the deciding factor because if thats all that keeps you from making honest choices about your needs then you might put yourself in a bad situation for a long time.

O

Yes and the one on Coping with Infidelity.

I'm about to throw in the towel. I just came across this board and decided to post so that maybe someone can give me some knowledge as to whether my M is worth saving. I am completly broken over this and just wanted to see what other people suggest/advice I do. Before I give up and walk away, I want to know that I gave this marriage my all.

Please be advised that WE CAN'T ofcourse give you the answer as to whehter your marriage is worth saving. I assume that you know this. You will gain the "knowlege" by reading, reflecting, and then reading some more.

Goodluck,

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The school of thought here predominately is that any marriage is worth saving if at all possible especially where children are involved.

To that end, this board is very pro-marriage.

I see you have already been advised to read the "Coping with infidelity" pages see the hot link on the top right of this page. They are indeed a good way to start.

You absolutely cannot and should not live with his affair. You have to break it up and you will find ways to do that on this site. You need to get him to the point where he is willing to work on your marriage. That won't happen until he is exposed and breaks off his relationship with the OW.

At the very end of all this, even if you can't get your marriage back together, at least you will know you have given it your all. From what you have posted so fay, you probably could not say that.

Good luck. And welcome to the rollercoaster ride of your life. Hang on and don't give up.

See if you can avoid gauging his state of mind. He seems like a philanderer, but some of what you say he's said to you gives the impression he's in a romantic affair.

Not wanting to be married because "I'm not in love with you" is the lamest excuse in the world, but it tells you something about your partner. Gives you clues about his character and his state of mind. Those clues may not point to good news.

He should know how much his cheating hurts you. Not with angry, dramatic expressions, which only put him on the defensive, justifying path. Calmly, you should let him know when you can.

But no logic will persuade him to change. Only his own suffering will, and it's possible he's a sort who won't suffer much.

And you should be aware what you will and will not allow in your life.

He has a character problem. He knows how to attract women, and he uses that skill when he can. To him, the rewards of it are greater than the rewards of living an honest life. He is responsible for your suffering, and he wants to not be. But the courage, patience, and humility required for him to join us and be a human being are not fun.

Maybe he just wants fun.

Learn what you can here. It will help you decide. I encourage you to try doing all you can, with the understanding that the effort is for both your marrage and yourself. You can't make him not do what he'll do. You can try to persuade him, in subtle, kind ways. And if it doens't survive, this marriage, you can, after a time, walk away knowing you did what you could.

I did all that. I was the star pupil. And I'm divorced. I don't see or communicate with my ex at all. That relationship is gone, gone, gone. My responsibility for it ending is zero. I laid the foundation for reconciliation. I was sweet and kind, but I did not beg, and I had boundaries I protected. When she said "I want to get divorced," I said, "I don't agree with that decision." But after several months of that I was in too much pain, so I ended contact. It hurt her badly, though I figure she's got over it. She's with the OM now, and I estimate she sleeps soundly.

I'm alone, and 1.5 years later, I do not sleep soundly. But my soul is intact. I can't see how hers could be, but she may have found a way for that to not matter.

GC

you need a plan..

the most important part of the plan is taking care of you and that baby...

being a single mom to five month old is hard hard hard...

do you have a good support group.
do you have family friends arounds or are you isolated...

do you have access to getting out a little for yourself..to the store.
to get a hair cut...
to take a break....

any history of drinking or drugs on his part...
any history of violence....
is he financially attentive....

plan a is all about keeping the lines of communication of open...
setting boundaries for yourself so that you are protected and strong enough to deal with him...

it is avoiding arguements and name calling that deflect from the real issues at hand...

do you think he will use the baby to expose to his OW...?
you need to protect the baby from such chaos..

when you two talk is it pleasant or other....

have you considered looking in to local churches for support groups like parents without partners...

also do you have lawyer

the more people know how things are..the better a plan can be formulated to address the priorities...

does you husband always KNOW that you are home exactly where he wants you with the baby...and finds freedom and comfort in knowing you ain't going nowhere...so there's nothing stopping him....cause it may be time to throw a wrench in that one...

are you in counseling

why hasn't he filed..mr. I want a divorce...

ARK

Thank you all for responding. I really appreciate it.

Graycloud your words hit home.



Sounds just like him. I have tried reasoning with him as to why what he is doing is wrong but to no avail. This is what makes HIM happy.

Ark^^

I have a wonderful support group- my family and a great friend. They are there for me whenever I need them whether it’s for a night out, getting my hair/nails done, etc.

My H does not have any history of violence or drinking/drug. Before I discovered his A’s he was one of the most loving and caring person I had known. After finding out about his A’s he’s become someone who I don’t know anymore. H does take care of his financial responsibility with the baby.

Is it too late to do a plan A? When I first found out about the A’s I was so hurt that I wanted him to feel a little bit of what I was feeling too. I called him every name in the book and I belittled him to nothing. I tried to make him feel guilty for what he had done to our family. I then tried being the sweetest, most attentive person, I made myself up, was always pleasant to be around and stopped mentioning the A’s. After 1 month I couldn’t take it anymore because I saw that he wasn’t willing to meet me half way. I got angry and started feeling used. He seemed to have no remorse whatsoever. I then started to ignore him completely and we became like roommates barely speaking to each other. That went on for 3 months when I discovered he was talking to these women again. I had had enough so I kicked him out.

Since then I’ve been an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I’m sweet and soft spoken and other times I’m just waiting to get into an argument. I told him once while we he was over, without being argumentative, how bad he had hurt me and I started crying. He then began crying saying that he never meant to hurt me and that he never knew how much pain he had caused me. Sometimes when he comes by I make myself up (I’m down to my pre-pregnancy size), clean the house and make sure a friend calls me. I always take the call in another room and make sure he can hear me laughing. One time he called to find out about the baby and I was like “oh the baby is not here he’s with my family but I’m sure he’s fine” he says “do you leave the baby often at your mom’s house” I said “no just once in a while” he said “yeah only when you have a date”. He knows I’m not home waiting for him to come around. I showed him that life does exist without him even with a 5 month old.


H has seen an attorney but told him that he has no grounds to file unless we come to some agreement. I told him I would not sign. He told me that if it was money that I was concerned about that he would give it to me so that I could file.

I have not spoken to an attorney and I am not in counseling at the moment.

I can’t and won’t live my life like this. From all of your experiences does anyone think that he can change? It seems like everyday I’m a step closer to just letting go.

"From all of your experiences does anyone think that he can change?"

Of course he can change. He's not dead. Yet.

But, as GC wrote, he is not going to change any time soon. And you need to understand you cannot change him. You cannot make him do anything at all he does not want to do.

Your WH has completely disconnected himself from his responsibilities. He feels no pain or remorse. He will not let himself feel any culpability for his actions towards you and your child. You write he is not even providing enough financial support for his child. That is unconscionable, for crying out loud. No real father would ever do what he is doing.

Yet, he seems to like it this way. Well, after all, reality is way more than he can handle. That’s also why he wants you to file. He continues to avoid facing anything if you do the final dismantling of your relationship.

It will take a major awakening, as in a huge bucket of very cold water, before reality will capture his attention. And even then he may not have the cojones to try to repair what he has wrecked. He took the coward’s way out. He gave up.

There are very few situations on MB crying out louder for Plan B than this one.

Please, call the MB counseling center and speak to one of the Harleys. They will help you decide what to do in a very short time. And send the bill to your WH.

With prayers,