Wow... he put you through some serious crap. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm not quite in that sort of situation but I was always the one who managed the money. He doesn't know how. Over a year later he still doesn't know how.

My expenses each month, however modest, still exceed my income, luckily my business owes me money so when funds permit, I take back some of the money that my business owes me to make ends meet. Not easy though in a 3 1/2 year old business that isn't profitable yet.

I still love my husband - as warped as that may sound after all this - we were together for 20 years. However, I'm glad I got the wake-up call that he hasn't changed, BEFORE I postponed the divorce. By the grace of God my attorney was in court the day I called to postpone - I found out about the rent check that night. Instead of postponing, I found out how I can get the child support collected by the court - so I don't have to work around his needs anymore, and take less at certain times because he overspent on whatever. One less worry and some consistency for me and my children. If he starts bouncing his rent checks and gets evicted, that's his problem, not mine.

I also asked him to get his crap out of my house, and change his address. I've been patient about that for over a year. If he doesn't, I'll dispose of his stuff as I see fit, and I'll return his mail to sender. I've had enough.

I doubt these characteristics of my husband will ever change - so no matter how much I think I love him, he doesn't love me - his actions show me this.

If he was going to "blow" $525, he could have spent it on his children for Christmas. As it is, he'll have no money left and I'll be left on my meager means to provide for them, their Christmas in its entirety. I had previously thought of inviting him here, as I did on Thanksgiving. Nope - he can pick the kids up at noon as per our divorce agreement, I'll have my Christmas morning with them, and perhaps I'll go out in the afternoon with my neighbour, to hand out Christmas dinners to the needy. It will help me appreciate what I do have.

I need some alone time now, but I'm sure somewhere out there there, someday if it's meant to be, I'll find myself a partner who is honourable, and worthy of the good woman that I am. If not - that's fine, I'm going to be just fine.

Real men don't do these things to their wives and children. Real men are responsible and accountable for their actions.

My husband and his girlfriend deserve each other. He's her problem now.

H2U

Of course you still love him - that is normal. A BS cannot "turn off" love like the WS can. If things don't work out, it will take you time to fall out of love with him. It has taken me 1 1/2 years to fall out of love with my X and some mornings I wake up and think I am still in love with her.

God Bless....

I still love me XH. Its why I drove out there to talk to him two days in a row and why I agreed to see if we could work something out. Even after we have been divorced for 5 months. I had to follow my heart. The day we sat at the coffee shop and talked he said "You cant cut someone out of your heart after 25 years" and that is so true.

Well I found out this week he filed bankruptcy. I wrote him a letter asking him to call me so we can discuss things. We have joint debts he is trying to discharge and I need to protect my interests. It was suggested to me to file an adversary proceeding which I dont want to do. It will cost me money I dont have and cost him money he obviously doesnt have.

He didnt call so now I have myself convinced its because he doesnt need to call-- hes coming home! This is driving me nuts.

I think one of the reasons hes not coming home now is because he is surrendering his vehicle and keeping the one he bought her. Its in both of their names. They work near each other so drive to work together. I know he is thinking he cant leave her without a vehicle but he didnt have a problem leaving me with alot less. And even if he did leave her the vehicle he has no way to get to work and I certainly cant buy him one. I wouldnt even if I could.

Shes another predator. He has bought her and her children things beyond belief! When his children and I struggled daily to eat a decent meal.

He said hes confused. Well what does he think I am???

Confusion... yeah I've heard that one too.

My H told me he was confused when I approached him to try to reconcile. His "confusion" was how he could keep me in his back pocket while he kept the G/F on the side. If he was seriously interested in reconciliation he'd have at least put the G/F on the back burner or better yet, severed contact to give the M a chance. But he didn't. In fact, he paid her rent and bought her a plane ticket.

He's on his way to the airport as I type this, to pick her up.

If he came to me now, I wouldn't trust his motives. Of course I busted him in 2 more lies, so I wouldn't trust him anyway.

No we can't shut off the feelings of love - that would make things easy. However we can choose to act in ways that are more to our benefit.

For me, as much as I love my H, I know that same feeling is not returned in the way that I need - so I need to just plow forward with the D, court managed child support and move on with my life. I'm strong, I'll survive.. and I'll be all the wiser down the road when I'm ready to move on in the romance department.

While I had believed that H had changed, and he has changed some of his ways, the ones that matter most - honestly, responsibility, have not. Therefore, while I still love him I know that he's no good for me, or my children. My kids will still enjoy a close relationship with him - as close as the non-residential parent can be - but he's not a suitable partner in a marriage situation.

Sucks - but that's the reality of it.

If your H can pay his G/F way, and he's not putting you first above all others, he doesn't deserve you, period.

You can't change your feelings but IMO it's best if you try to let it go and get on with your life.

I suppose there are times when a person can have an epiphany and seriously change their ways, but something tells me those individuals are more the exception than the rule. If they can follow the path of least resistance, they often do. That's the case with H - his current g/f is much "lower maintenance" than the responsibilities of marriage and family - so that's the path he's taking.

And do you know what? It's HIS loss.

Your H is losing too - live well - it's the best revenge.

H2U

Thank you for sharing your story. I love your writing style and it has helped me immensely to see another dedicated but unappreciated BS stick with the situation as long as you have. Maybe your courage to go forward with finalizing the divorce will be the message your H needs to take things between you seriously. He's obviously not sure he's doing the right thing.

You're welcome. If somebody can take a nugget of wisdom or common sense from my story then something good comes from something bad.

I'm not really a BS.. I was at one time, H had an EA about 8 years ago but that was resolved with plan A (I didn't know about those plans then, but logic guided me). He wanted to "stay friends" and I wouldn't stand for that. Believe me - when the WS is serious about fixing things, plan A works. He had a choice to either get his act together or I was outta there - and he made the right choice then.

His "A" was addiction, fuelled by mental illness. Addiction to marijuana, and porn. In recent years these things took over his life. I barely recognized him anymore and I couldn't live walking on eggshells. When my 12-year old DD wrote in her diary (like I good mom I snoop) "My life is a living H**L. Daddy is stoned on painkillers and Mommy isn't doing anything about it." I nearly died. Bad enough that I knew - but I never exposed that to my children. They are smart - perceptive - but when I read my child's words I knew that keeping it together at that point was the wrong thing. That was a year ago in July. He was out a month later.

No he's not sure he's doing the right thing. I do believe he was actually being honest when he said that - but it didn't stop him from forging ahead. While I have my doubts about the intergity of his g/f, even if she is an honorable person (insert tongue firmly in cheek), he's still doing her a disservice by stringing her along if he's not sure - but I believe that what goes around comes around and it will bite him in the posterior sooner or later. The very nature of this relationship is shaky at best - so I'm quite certain it won't last. In fact my money says it won't go another 3 months (my mom thinks she won't stay the week - but if she hasn't got the money to chagne the plane ticket... I digress)

I'm sure I might sound like a "bitter ex".. I'm not bitter, I'm saddened by it all. I see where it's heading but he's so far in a fog right now he couldn't find his way out of a paper bag. The other shoe will drop eventually. Meanwhile I just need to do what I need to do to keep myself afloat and my kids. My problem is I've spent more than half my lifetime saving him from himself and it's hard to sit this one out on the sidelines. I did him a disservice by not expecting/allowing him to grow up - and he's not rising to the challenge now either. So I have to sit on my hands and watch this one unfold.

Whether to "be there" afterward to pick up the pieces, is one I'm pondering now. I can't turn my back on anybody, least of all the man I love most - but at the same time I won't be a doormat anymore either. I guess I'll have to manage that when the time comes. I suppose there is a compromise - be a friend to him if he needs one, but to set and keep my boundaries.

Time will tell.

If I can get through the next week, I can settle down and kick myself into high gear. This upcoming week it will be all I can do to tread water... but I'm strong - I keep telling myself that, and I'll be OK.

H2U

"What is with these women? They hang out on dating websites, pick a nice ripe vulnerable man who is newly separated or divorced and suck him right into their web."

I hate to say it but your husband is neither vulnerable nor nice. He chose to steal the money to pay for his girlfriend and he will probabaly continue to do this. You know he is immature and irresponsible.

If you are in a business with joint accounts i would consider somehow putting some more controls on that after or before your divorce so you do not have to continually monitor him from stealing from it like this.

You dont need the heartache and headache of watching this man spend money on "whatever'. Watching his every move will stop you from moving on with your own life. And that is what you deserve, your own life apart from mothering your immature and irresponsible, lying husband. You can not trust him after all these years you should know that.

You deserve a man who loves only you whom you can trust as a fellow adult to care for the things of life in a responsible adult manner. You do not need a man who lies, who you must monitor for money, and who will run your life ragged.

Good luck. Get the divorce! And start putting controls on the business so you dont have to continually be the 'mother' of your husband anymore.

Hello, I am also new to this forum. I believe firmly that YOU are the wife, so until your divorce is finalized, you have the right to try to win your husband back. I believe that marriage is sacred, the rock and foundation of society, and that giving up on a spouse who is not abusing you or your children can only come back to haunt you. If you get back together, the people you saw while you were apart will become just affairs to move on from. I would say, save your marriage! Remembering the policy of Radical Honesty, don't keep anything from him at all. Tell him exactly what you want, how you feel, why you want this. Otherwise, you'll never know whether doing so could have made a difference. Radical Honesty is, well, radical...but love and honesty have saved marriages before. What do you have to lose, except the husband you love, who you will surely lose if you do not try?

Ablocke - thanks for your reply. For what it's worth I did suffer from emotional abuse for many years while his depression was untreated. He has also suffered from addictions and he committed adultery. He had a 2 1/2 year EA with someone online. I'll never know if he had a PA or not but I have a hunch about a couple of women we used to work with - I never said much about it but I'll never be sure either way. I used to listen to Dr. Laura and she had the "Three A's" that excused one from a marriage... Abuse, Addiction and Adultery. He's committed all three. However his depression is managed now, and managed well, he's passing drug tests whenever I administer one (condition to unsupervised visitation and in our divorce agreement) and once the EA was exposed (it was long over when I found out), he did repent and repair that at the time. I don't consider his g/f now to be an affair because it began nearly a year after he moved out. As I've mentioned I had a relationship too.. after he left the marital home and made no attempt to repair. Was I ready to move on? NOPE. Big mistake on my part but I've repented, asked for forgiveness from H and from God, learned from it and I'm not beating myself up about it anymore. But I digress...

I already did go with the radical honesty route. We have had private conversations on 4 occasions in the last month, and I was very specific. On the last occasion I even wrote down everything I wanted to say in point form so I'd be sure not to miss anything.

He said he'd think about it but his actions said he's just going to do what feels good and damn the consequences.

Just because the divorce will be final in 3 days does not mean I will stop loving him, or doing loving things for him - but only to a point. The "mothering" has pretty much stopped - and for the last while it was only done to secure my financial security for myself and the children - neither H nor I have much money - so I was being "nice" in order to keep things workable until the court order was in place for child support. He signed that today (and rolled his eyes) and we'll file that on Wednesday too.

I can be radically honest - the problem is, he can't or won't. I can't "fix" that and I won't be married to a liar. If he has an epiphany or awakening someday, I'll give it another shot - but he'll have a big hill to climb to earn my trust again. I'm not sure he'll ever be motivated to work that hard, if he can find somebody new to start from scratch with. The history of lies goes back a long long way - even before we were married. I don't regret my marriage - we had some excellent years and we have two awesome children - but had I been a bit more self-confident I might not have "settled" in some matters.

In any event - it's going forward. Support will be court-managed so he can pee his money up the wall if he wishes - my children's share will be drawn off his pay before he even sees it. He still has a mortgage obligation for 2 years - I've been getting the money from him and paying the mortgage - today I suggested that he write a check to the mortgage company and I'll deliver it - that way we both know the money is going where it should (It always has - but that way he can't second-guess me if I'm paying it or not.)

As to the business - the only access to company funds is a debit card with a $500 limit. He must have this when he's working on remote sites. All the other stuff, checks, lines of credit etc., he has no access too. He's blissfully unaware of how the financials of our company work - I'm honest about the books and he can look at them at any time - but he really doesn't care. Thusfar he hasn't abused the debit - I get legitimate receipts when he has rare occasion to use it. I reconcile the bank account online daily so the worst he could do is $500 in damage and one phone call cancels his card. So I've got my assets covered there.

The money he spent on her was his personal money, from a 401K (his only retirement money) which he collapsed. My beef wasn't that he spent his own money on her - he can do what he pleases with his money. My problem was that he hadn't paid a credit card that was delinquent - and that dumped 100 points off my credit score. I was not a joint account holder, just an authorized user so a few letters to the credit bureaux should be able to clear that up on my credit (although what a pain in the butt that is), but the unpaid taxes can create a lien on our jointly owned home, which I occupy and must refinance in my name in 2 years. I anticipated this and there's a clause in our divorce agreement that neither of us should place any kind of lien on the house. I'm mad because he paid her rent before seeing to those two obligations that affect me and our children - who are his first obligation whether he likes it or not. If he doesn't pay his own rent, water, cable, etc. that is HIS problem, not mine and I'm not going to mop up his mess again. However those two issues should have been dealt with first before he extended any "loan" to a third party (I still say that "loan" will end up a "gift" be it voluntarily or involuntarily...)

He did pay off his credit card on Friday. There was enough money left in the account for his rent, sundries AND the taxes (I made sure when he loaned the store money, he had enough for his current obligations). I won't know til court whether he's arranged to pay the taxes but I will be asking the court to ask him to prove that they are paid with a follow-up if necessary. When the time comes for me to refinance the house I don't want any surprises.

I'm still keeping one eye on the possibility of reconciliation down the road but clearly he's still got a long way to go toward that. Meanwhile I'll carry on on my own journey. I'm doing things for me and feeling better about myself - I still have the odd "verklempt" moment but I'm keeping it together and being strong - especially for my children. I do not discuss any of this with them as there is no value in doing so. I do feel that these protections I have in place are a good safety net, even IF we do get back together at some point - they won't be anything to potentially argue over and I will know he's not just schmoozing me to get me to ease off on the support or whatever because it will be out of my control. That way also if we try again and it doesn't fly, I'll still have those protections in place.

I'd really like to think that we could patch things up someday but I'm not holding my breath at this point. There are a LOT of obstacles to overcome.

I'm also keenly aware that the odds of him "coming around" are very slim - particularly at this point. Like I've said before - he's been to the bottom of the barrel and even that didn't wake him up - if that doesn't, it's unlikely that anything will.

So I'm leaving it in God's hands - asking Him to give me strength and guidance and just moving forward with my life. I'm ok with keeping myself company for a while.

H2U

In 12 hours, my divorce will be final.

Anyone reading - if you can spare a prayer for me, I'd surely appreciate it. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and while I know in my heart I'm doing the right thing for my children and myself - it sure hurts like h*ll.

Thanks,

H2U

Wow. I'll be thinking about you, and hoping that it will somehow be a relief to get this milestone out of the way. It will definitely get easier from here on. Your Vince Vaughn is waiting!

Well it's done. I feel like crap. H showed up with a long face in the courtroom, then burst out like a bat out of h*ll when it was over - didn't even wait for his copies.

1 1/2 hours later he showed up at our place of business to get parts to take care of a client he blew off last night - he took the whole day off from his regular job. By now he's picked up his g/f to take her with him to the job site.

I gave him his papers and congratulated him - he's free. I was uncharacteristically hostile - but I'm feeling intense pain right now and he seemed totally unaffected by it all. I find myself wishing he'd suffer just a bit over this.

I'm sure his reality will set in on Sunday when g/f heads back to the other side of the country and he's alone with himself.

He didn't take the state-mandated parenting course - he plans to in January (4 months wasn't enough time for a 5-hour seminar for his kids).. so visitation isn't enforcable by him. I'm caught in a quandry about visitation... he shouldn't be able to carry on business-as-usual if he didn't do his part and take the course, but I don't want to punish my children for his irresponsibility. My children are already asking about Christmas - and I don't know what to tell them except I don't know just now.

I'd like to have Christmas as a family but I can't keep deluding myself into thinking we are a happy family - we aren't. H has made his choice - to look after his g/f before even himself. That's not my doing - but I'm caught in the middle. Deny him his children and upset them all, or let him have his cake and eat it too...

Any thoughts or suggestions?

I suspect that this g/f will vanish soon - by now she's seen all his bank statements and realizes he's no sugar daddy - at least not enough to move across country with two kids - and apparently if she can't pay rent she hasn't got the means to do it either, I know he can't afford to move her or support her.

So if/when that fizzes, what happens next? I know nobody can predict the future... but I'm weighing all this up.

I need to stop... I'm going out to bingo with a friend tonight then I have to go make a pickup for my business - that will busy me for the rest of the night.

It's later now - I started this post a couple of hours ago I'm feeling a bit calmer now... but still mournful.

Hopefully for me the worst is over now...

H2U