NO! He lives about 15 minutes away in a neighberhood we use to live in 2 years ago.....anyway, the guy who owns it rents out rooms in the basement and H is renting this one small room.....it is smaller than the room he had in college when we met (he actually shared a whole house then)....now where he is...there are 3 bedrooms in the basement....and he has one roomate right now.....this place does not even have a proper stove.....but he seems so dam happy there.......darn.....

Daisy

Eav....

Thanks for the idea about sending the email....I'll do that....I don't see a problem with putting the picture up, but I am concerned about the ring....since S.H. did say we don't want to push H to work on this.........

The thing is that it just hit me that S.H. did ask me if H was wearing the ring and did not ask if I was.....I wonder if he assumed I was not!!!!????? Now, I again question if taking it off was a mistake......it just hurt to look at it! I even have it hidden in my jewellry box so I don't look at it every time.....it just makes me cry....<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Well, eav...you gave me some strength and I called H just now to ask for the eng. ring.....but he is not there....darn.

Daisy

plan A stuff??

after you talk to your H one night and he says he's staying in...buy him a pizza-or other favorite food-and have it delivered (he will know that you thought of him and remember what he likes)

get him a minature christmas tree for his little room..so he knows that you care that he's all alone during the holiday season ( i think it would make him long for the "bigger" version and the memories of sharing christmas with you)

give him a framed picture of the cat for his room

just my ideas...others may think differently

Hey eav.....

I love the framed picture of the cats idea....I'll look for a good one....

You just reminded me of the picture he had of me in his office at school....me and my cat~Daisy (she desapeared after he left...I was a dog person but H converted me and I just loved that cat so much....)........

I wonder what he did with that picture??????

Thanks eav!

Daisy

you're welcome

i'm good at plan A stuff:) I loved showering my H with the attention i was "too blind and too busy taking him for granted" to give him before

I think it's plan B i stink at!

Eav....
I guess I am not good at Plan A...I thought I was suppose to give him space since that is what he wanted....I was here for him and we hung out and I was here when he wanted a hug...but I wonder if he thought I was cold.....I did not intent to be, but after the summer I was afraid to appear too needy....

I guess I have a hard time distinquishing between plan A and a needy version of me that probably will not attract H back....

I'll consult you on other Plan A stuff....

BTW...I don't think anyone is "good" at plan B....it just seems way too hard to do .....

Best to you eav....

Daisy

Aww, he wouldn't have like your Plan A no matter what. You would either be too distant or too clingy. A WS knows no middle ground.

not so you neak......I don't know how to work with a WS....they don't teach you that in school <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />!

Eav....well I have been trying to call H every so often tonight to ask about the ring (when I get my mind on something I cannot let it go), and I did not realize at all that it is so late! And I just called over there and noone picked up again....I did not leave a message, as what I have to ask is not for the machine but for him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />!

Anyway, he just called me back and sounded really worried about me (I am having some health problems but I just have to wait till tomorrow for it....what can I do...the pain in my heart is much worse anyway.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />..)

But he sounded so concerned.....asked me if I was ok...I said yes. He was sleepy, had gone to bed earlier (I guess he was not gone but just listening to music and did not hear the phone).....anyway, I appoligized for disturbing him and he said it was fine....that it is not so late....we said good night....I did not think it was the best time to ask him to consider giving me back the ring......

I feel kind of good that he cares...but sad....he cares but does not want to be with me.......sometimes I wonder if it would be better if he just did not care, then I could be just angry! But, I don't want to be angry.....ahhhhhhh

This just sucks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Daisy

White Daisy,

I stink at plan A so ignore my advice if it goes against people who actually know how to do this stuff. But I was having a thought for you so I wanted to throw it out.

What was your dating experience like with your H? How much did you pursue him, or was he the "hunter"? Did you date exclusively from the get go? Since you still enjoy your H's company, just try to recreate that dating feeling for yourself. You two probably were not at the same level of committment in those early days.

Think of him as this great guy that you have met, he might be "the one" but if he is not, it won't kill you. How would you be dealing with him if he was acting like this before you married him?

Think of how a guy would feel about dating a new girl whose coffee table was filled with "Bride" magazine. Make sure that you actions are not "Bride" magazine on the table.

I think it is great that you two are going out and dating. I can imagine how painful that must be, but maybe, if you can change your mindset a little...it won't rip your heart out everytime you part ways.

I couldn't do this for a few reasons. My WH left and does not want anything to do with me but for me to leave him alone. And, I have a mental block when it comes to "wooing" my husband, I am your wife damnit. I shouldn't have to woo you. But that is my flaw and I realized it is based on the fact that if I was not M to him, I probably wouldn't give him the time of day (not who is now anyway).

But, you love your H, you enjoy his company, he still wants something from you... Maybe if you shift your perspective back to the dating scene and not think of this as saving you M, maybe you will feel safer and he will perceive that as confidence.

Just my thoughts, I wanted to throw out to you. Oh, be great around the room mate, if the room mate thinks you are the cat's meow, he will ask your H why he doesn't want you and H will have to stammer around for a reason. Maybe H will start to wonder what is wrong with himself that he is letting you slip away.

Jean....
I was kind of thinking along those lines.....

I don't want to leave wedding pictures around (we did not do much of that when we were together anyway)....I don't think it would work in my favor. This one picture I have of him, I got abour 4 months into the R, so it is way before the wedding and I had it on my desk since then. I'll put that one up, I like it and I think it is unthreatining....

I know what you mean about wooing your H.....seems odd....yet, I read something in HN/HN yesterday about the recreation time and how in the beginning you get together to see a movie or what not, but that is just an excuse to really get to gether and talk and enjoy each others company and get to know each other.....and no reason why that should change after the wedding (takes energy to keep that going as we all know)

I just notice a message on my answer machine. It was from H. He used star 69 and found it was me....so was calling me back. That must have been earlier, since he said he was just getting ready for bed and would talk to me tomorrow (then I called again and woke him up ~ wonder what he thinks was up with me). I feel kind of silly that I called there so much, but I really thought he was gone since he was not answering and figured it was not hurting anyone.....

Jean, I did invite the roommate to dinner last week (along with other friends). The reason is that he is a visiting grad. student from the same country as me in Europe and it gives me a chance to talk with him in my native tongue....so it is nice.....I don't know how H feels about that, but sadly H is the one who gave me his phone number......Yet, I don't think he expected me to call him, because when I talked to H last week, he was saying something about this guy and I said, yah I just spoke to him yesterday, H was a little surprised......

I do feel like I am trying to get to "date" my H. I can only hope he wants to date me!

Thanks for your thoughts Jean....

So, do you think I should ask for the eng. ring right now? Would that be kind of bad timing.....I just would like him to know that I was hurt when I gave it back to him and that it really does mean a lot and I'd like to have it.

Daisy

Sorry to chime in but I'm on the list too...
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Hi ya all,
There is a few of us in this same boat, So should there be a topic under the main forum for us where we could get some help and info but with the people helping us knowing that who we are? We are all dying but I think the BS with children should get more help from the wise onces on this site.

Daisy may I ask from which country are you. I am up in Finland.
Van

I am from CZ Republic.....

Van, Stu
Yes, there is more of us on that list....seperated without kids.......I know that having kids is hard.....yet, wihtout kids there all the links between H and me can be cut....and that is hard to accept.....
Its just hard in its own way....

I had IC this morning....it went well. We discussed how I can keep moving in life and work on personal recovery while still be in love with H....that I don't have to wait for all the love to be gone and have no hope before living.......

I know I have not given up completely.....I still have hope for us......I wish in some sense we could start all over.....and I could redo somethings......stop the LB.....

Take care you all
Daisy

Daisy~
Glad your IC went well - you sound like your attitude is
good right now. I am feeling a bit better today too (and I
know in our cases, the moods can be fleeting.......).

Still don't know why WH seemed to be on a totally opposite,
negative track and terrible mood Sunday. In thinking about
it later, I did realize that WH was the one who called me
to get together (not initiated by me), and I don't think it
could have been anything I did that made him so unpleasant,
as all I did was agree to meet him, and then be there !
He arrived late, and already in an awful mood, so hopefully
it was a problem with OW and the A is starting to really
"crack". I did realize that it would have been smarter for
me to have just "let him be", and not asked questions, not
"pushed" at all. I think I just really felt kinda panicky
when I felt hopeful Sat night and then he was so different
only a day later, and I wanted some reason or reassurances.
I should know better than that !!

Wondered if it would cause a big change, or if WH would
back off and stop contacting me, and had already decided I
was not going to call, not going to ask any more questions,
not act anxious or desperate, not ask him to do things, etc.

Wh did call yesterday- just to respond back to an email I
had sent earlier, and so I just said "I was sorry that Sunday didn't go so well, hoped it would get better", and
left it at that. He also called me this morning, for no
apparent reason. Before I thought about it, I asked if he'd
like to go to lunch together (darn it, need to think more
before I talk !) He said he "didn't really feel like it",
so would have been better for me not to have asked anyway--
but.....I WILL remember next time !

Hope your you and your cat get good medical news, and your
trip is great. Hang in there, keep the faith, and keep
taking good care of you !
Slammed

i think that regardless of if you have children or not, we all took the same vows-and we all want to save our marriages.

for us, it's harder to keep WS in contact since we have no children that they visit or call or need updates on

for those with children, its harder bacause they have to worry about OP meeting thier children

it's the same for all of us though...we need support and we still love our H

slammed....thanks.....

Well the tests I had done did not reveal anything big....so so far I was given pain killers and told to come back if the pain persists over the next 10 days.....we'll see. It is the last thing I need right now.....

I just put up my fake little christmas tree I use to put up in college........I will not be here for christmas so I did not get the real one.....I still might have, but the cats clime on it (the little red cat I got is a climer) and it looks like a mess right away......At first I was not going to put up even this fake one due to all the memories and all.....I tried hard to just enjoy decorating it and not think too much about the ornaments and how I bought them for our first christmas together......I recalled how our tree fell that first year in the middle of the night......I thought someone had broke in and freaked out....we laughed about it afterwards....memories.....maybe it is better to face them then to run away from them and get stronger that way....

I like the little tree....I won't be her to enjoy it much....but maybe H will appreciate it.

Well, I have decided I have nothing to loose by calling H. Really, I decided I'll call when I feel like and be pleasant......I really don't think I am being needy....and I am tired of questioning every move I make...

I don't know how long this attitude will last.....

Feel ok today. I went shoping and I actually bought a little snow man....I love those.....I thought I better start enjoying the season now, so next year is not that hard.....

Daisy

eav....

Yes, it is hard on all of us....just in different ways....

Darn, I miss him so much.....can you understand how they cannot miss us?


Ahhhhhhh........

Daisy

I know I have not given up completely.....I still have hope for us......I wish in some sense we could start all over.....and I could redo somethings......stop the LB.....

Yeah, how I wish I could just go back to the end of Aug 05. If I could have done that phone conversation over again... You know no matter how much counselors tell me that my W has as much to do with the failure of this relationship, it doesn't make me accept my own faults any easier. I don't know how my W can feel in her mind that she had no fault in the failure of the marriage, I like to take some of that pill, to get rid of my guilt...

stu....you are absolutely right.....knowing that the other person had a part in the brake down of the M does not help to eleviate any of the guilt for our own part.

H would take on a lot of the blame and I remember what he told me one week before he lelf "i don't think me taking all the blame is working anymore....it is not helping us fix the problem"

He would take a lot on himself and I knew I played a part.....but only now do I realize just how big a part I played....I want to talk to him and tell him just how at fault I was....that he and I both contributed probably equally and that I get it! And do not blame him at all....I wish he would just talk to me.....but he does not want to go there.......he prefers to avoid the whole situation all together and I worry I'll alienate him if I bring this up too often.....

Anyway, how is it going with you? I'll check on your thread.....see how it goes....

Daisy

I like to take some of that pill, to get rid of my guilt...
for now I'll just settle for Lunesta to help me sleep...BTW it doesn't last the 8 hrs they advertize it to be. I wake up in like 5-6 hrs.

Daisy,
as long as your H is still talking to you, there's still a lot that can get fixed. of course I don't know your H, but if he's like my W, as long as I could get her to answer my calls I know she still cares and I'd have a chance. For the past 2 1/2 months she has refused to answer my calls, and only answer the occasional calls when I mask my caller id. Can't do that too many times, she catches on.