Daisy-
Thanks for your continued support and thoughts- it helps !

I think all of us can see things in the past more clearly
now and see the things we would change. I know that I feel
like I did too much and took care of everything because I
thought that was what I was supposed to do and was just
trying to be a "good wife".
Now I see that it just perpetuated the pattern that WH was
used to- he went right from a Mom who did everything for him
and never made him responsible for anything, to me, doing
everything too. Different motives, but same cycle.
With work and effort, I believe this pattern could certainly
change, but doesn't look like WH is interested, so nothing
I can do about it myself.

I think my WH is much the same in thinking that his feeling
down or discontent entitles him to do whatever he thinks will help him feel better, regardless of how it effects any-
one else or the devestation it causes. Instead of realizing
how much change he could bring with effort, he just takes
the easy path and does nothing...
I guess he thinks it's easier to be with OW, who knows
nothing about his background, history, past, or disorders,
because he can still be "Mr. Perfect" in her eyes.
However, my knowing about and having been involved in these
things doesn't make him "imperfect" to me, it just makes him
a real person with issues like everyone else...
I don't think he realizes that the "baggage" he has will
follow him, no matter where he goes or who he is with.

Will update on my thread this morning...
Slammed

Dear Daisy,

I am glad finally I found your thread...

I am sorry you are going through an emotional roller coaster ride again. This happens to me, and I heard this is normal.

Of course none makes sense - that you have done so much for your H, and he grew to resent you for that. There is no logic. But that is why we call it "fog". Mine is the same. No logics can be applied to him. I have been trying to understand that and this is what I came up with: when you are really moody, say, b/c you are having a bad PMS - sometimes other people's being nice can irritate you, if you let your emotions control you, right? That's because you are grouchy. Of course it has NOTHING to do with those nice people, but you are "not in the mood". Maybe that is how those people like your H and mine and many other WS's feel.

Unfortunately, with a simple PMS, you can just wait for a few days and it will be gone, but the thick "fogginess" cannot be lifted so easily...

I still blame myself a lot or feel "am I THAT bad or not worthy??". But I am fighting against that each time I feel that way.

Honestly, I do not know how your H will ever find a woman like you. He has been trying to get other girls' attentions for a while - he is trying hard by emailing them! But it sounds like none have actually accepted his offer. Maybe they know how unhappy and empty he is right now.

I know it must be hard when you think that you and your H may become total strangers. But the good side of it is that it would make YOUR LIFE easier as well. If you have a child like me, the tie between STBX and me will never be completely cut off, which inflicts much longer and deeper pain. You are only 30, so the time is on your side. Even if you take the next few years healing, you will still be young to meet someone else who would appreciate you.

But just my 2 cents.... it sounds like your H is the kind of person who can never "break off", so I feel that at some point he may try to contact you. Just my guess.

Hang in there Daisy. You know, my STBX also left the same time as yours (the first week of May last year), so we have been alone for the same amount of time! Like you, I can enjoy cooking, baking, and doing other things with friends whole a lot more now. So I know I am getting stronger. But I still have days I miss STBX or our family time together. But like you, I do not cry all the time anymore, and even if I cry, usually it does not last that long anymore.

I heard an interesting study on the radio the other day: the researchers found that females can handle "loneliness" so many times better than males. They isolate male mice and female mice in the lab - only a few days later, typically a male mouse would start to respond to many things slowly, and often develop some diseases as his immune system lowers. On the other hand, typically female mice would continue to act normally and remain healthy after isolation.

We are made stronger! We'll be fine...

Hugs,
Milk

lunamare.....

I kind of got going last night and could not MAKE MYSELF stop. LOL. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I read that post by Milkshake "MIC for dummies".....and I just kept reflecting on my relationship with H. Then later last night, after I posted here, I went to bed but could not sleep as long this was on my mind. I kept thinking about the last 6 months before he left. Some time has past now, so I can not recall it all, but now it is so clear to me that during that time he was detaching from me Emotionally. I see it clear as a bell now! A little too late <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />, but I hope I at least learn from this.

He is the type of person that likes to meet people and have conversations (deep conversations!) with everyone and anyone. I suspect that during the last 6 months, he would meet other women, have his conversations, and compare me to them. I have no proof, but I don't need it anymore.

I believe it in my heart. He spend those last few months, finding faults with me all the time. He was so going overboard <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />. I questioned myself, I kept looking in at myself, instead of looking at him as well! All of a sudden who I was, the person he supposedly loved, was no longer a person he liked. I recall very clearly, having this feeling that HE DID NOT LIKE ME!

He called me anti-social, but I was as social as I had always been. Actually, I think I was more, because I would envite people over, my collegues or his friends, for dinners, or just drings, or to play cards, and watch movies. Yet, he continued to tell me I had no social skills at all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />. It was really insulting and hurtful that he thought that of me when I did not think it was justified.

He kept eccusing me during this time. Eccused me of not being honest. He spend hours and sometimes days just low and brooding, telling me he was in a depression again (he has cronic depression) and that I just had to leave him alone, yet at the same time, would watch me and tell me I don't share my feelings and he has no idea of what I am thinking (i.e. I was not honest).

Eccused me of not being comfortable around him and hence he was not comfortable around me. Said he could not be himself.


Now, as I look back, I have no doubt that he was detaching from me. I have no doubt that he wanted to explore other optoins, that I had become a thorn in his side. I don't know if he had an A as he left, it really does not matter at this point, but I know that he wanted someone else, even if there was not an actual OW there. HE wanted to have the option to have someone with all the qualities I was lacking (conviniently forgetting all the good qualities I have).

I know I made many mistakes. I did not confront him on a lot of issues, and I did not sit down with him and discussed our marriage in a mature grown up kind of way. I did try to find ways to fix it, but it was not very constractive, and certainly lacked a plan. I did not really know how to go about a lot of things. I am learning though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />......

Oh, boy, I did it again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />......


I wonder where is the thread on HOW DO YOU KNOW IF HE IS HAVING AN A?

I should read it again. It had something on how people get into an EA and then a PA. I think it basically had something on this detachment, and I think I would benefit by reading that again......I'll go on a search <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.....

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Daisy-
Your post is so true ! The WH become so good at detatching,
conveniently forget the things about us they loved, the
good times, the things that were special and important, and
do everything they can to get rid of those feelings and
justify doing what they want.
Seems they become very selfish- they don't care about the
feelings of anyone else, just their drive to get what they
want.
Seems they become very dishonest- telling people what they
want to hear, making excuses, not willing to sit down and
talk about issues.
They become very judgemental- mine, like yours, started to
criticize things he'd never mentioned, complain about things
he liked before, blame me for things that didn't even exist,
and I think all of it was a way of his building up anger
to justify how he was acting.

I think for the rest of us, we just don't see or expect
these behaviors because we have known these people before
they were so self-centered, selfish and dishonest. We
don't expect to be treated this way. We don't expect that
they could change like this and become strangers to us-

It is awfully hard to understand and I guess it probably
won't ever make sense to us because it's not logical,doesnt
fit any of the things we are used to, and isn't the way we
expect people to act.

In the case of your and my WH, and some others, the WH have
some issues to deal with, such as depression, etc. that may
have some effect on the situation. I've give my WH some
pretty big "benefit of the doubt" thinking that a large part
of his A has been due to his issues, but lately have been
thinking that this has been an excuse for him, not a real
reason because even with those issues, he did marry me, he
did commit to a faithful marriage and he is responsible for
his own actions. I feel great empathy for his illness and
the misery he goes through with it, and certainly realize
that it is not his fault he has it, but feel like it is his
fault that he didn't do something about it sooner, and has
allowed it to rule his life and ruin ours together.

No matter what happens with my WH, I think I'll always feel
very sad that I feel like WH never gave us, or me a chance.
I feel like he was cowardly, weak, and took the easy way
out, thinking it was the solution to all his unhappiness
and discontentment. I think he will quickly find that the
"grass is not greener" with another person, but knowing him
he'll blame it on them, not own up to any responsibility or
realize it's gone with him.
For a long, long time, I'm going to feel angry, hurt, sad,
and disappointed that WH threw away all we had as far as
good times, great memories, special trips, plans, our
families, and what I felt was great potential to be even
better together.
I also feel great disappointment in the weak, cowardly way
he has handled things with OW. I find it hard to believe he
is so "blinded" by the addiction, infatuation, or whatever
it is- that he can't see through a very phone person.
A logical person would realize:
They met on a website where she was looking for someone
with money to "enhance her lifestyle" (in her own words)
and he lied about his whole situation and life.
IMO, she is not particulary attractive (more like trashy)
They were fighting and had a stormy relationship from the
start.
She called me, exposing the whole A in great details,
wanted "dirt" on him to use against him, threw him out,
and still he was mad at me, not her.
She called his XGF, exposed the affair to her and WH's
daughter and word got back to his Mom, yet he isn't
mad at her.
She was with him (and in my view contributed)when he
got the DUI at Christmas.
She has called him constantly, questioning where he is,
what he's doing, why he didn't answer the phone quicker,
what he's doing with me, and other questions based on
distrust and paranoia.
She has called our house up to 13 times in one night,
attempting to reach him, or to "bait" me into talking
to her. She's also cussed me out and left nasty
messages on our machine, which WH has heard.
She mailed all their "love" notes and cards as well
as graphic photos to me, with a nasty note,
Now, seems she is manipulating him by playing "hard to
get", putting an ultimatam on him, and pushing for him
to be out of our house and get on with D, and he's
falling for it.
Most disturbing to me is the way he acts like a puppet
on a string to her. Addiction, I guess, and very sad.

Seems like your WH might not be addicted to a particular
person, but is like mine, addicted to being secretive,
telling people what they want to hear to appease them
instead of being honest, and to the challenge of flirting,
and trying to hook up with someone, whether they end up
involved or not.

I hope you will continue to feel strong, and as peaceful
as you've been. After the "false recovery" that I thought
we were making, I feel like I've really been knocked back
many, many, steps but I'm trying to get back to a better
place, like I was a couple of months ago.

Being in the house while the A is going on, is very tough.
While I will feel sad if WH moves out again, I think it will
make it easier to me to function and not have the A "in my
face" and have to deal with and see WH. I am attempting to
do a "Plan A with 180's" while WH is still in the house,
hoping he'll have a lot of good things to remember once he's
gone, and I go to Plan B.
Whether even that will help, I don't know, but guess it's the only thing left to try.

Thinking of you too-
Slammed

H and I have not talked for 3 and a half weeks now.

Last contact was from him telling me he respected my wishes for NO CONTACT.

Just got this email from H


Is he for real?

I never did send him a official Plan B letter, but I did inform him before that I did not know if I could be friends with him and now I told him I did not wish to be in contact.

Can he not put it together that I DON'T WANT TO **HANG** OUT with my H?

Sheesh!

I have not replied.

Interstingly, about 2 hours ago someone called my office and when I said hello, I could hear someone breathing on the other line, so I said hello again, and then the person hung up. I thought maybe it was H, but then figured it was not, since he is RESPECTING my wishes for no contact.

Now, I think it was him.

What a character!?

Daisy

Hi Daisy-
Very interesting ! Sounds like your WH is getting curious ~
Maybe he did try to call and "chickened out", or was trying
to see if you were there since you didn't reply to his msg.

I suppose if you did reply you could say something like
"If your A is over and you are interested in working on the
marriage I might be interested in meeting with, otherwise
there's no reason " ??? Can't remember if he knows that
you know of the A, or not ?

It's been a long day and week- I'll enjoy having the weekend
to get some rest and relax. Thanks for your messages on my
post.
Slammed

Thanks Slammed....

I did reply and told him that I do not wish to keep in contact. THat I am not doing this to hurt him or punish him (as he ecused me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) but to protect myself. Basically letting him know that I feel a loss and I hurt and I will not be his friend.

What really sucks is that these emails from him take me a lot of days to get over. First, I think about it so much as far as what to say, how to reply, and then I think about did I say the right think in my reply, and then there is a small part of me that still has some hope that it means more then it actually means <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. I hope that my point that "I do not wish to hang out and talk" and be his pal, will get through to him.

So, it took me several days to get back to my "equilibrium"....it is not a plesant place, but it is not filled with pain as much as when I am confronted by his emails.

Today I got another email:


Ahhhh..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The fact is that it is NOT at my house. There is not even a small posibility (unless he came by and put it here just so he could write this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />). He got the free ticket from the airlines when he came back in Jan. He has only been to my house once since then, and that was for lunch on superball sunday. I had a bunch of people come over and sadly, I do remember that H did not bring anything to this lunch.....

So, I know for a fact that he does not have it here. Now, if he thought about it a little, he would realize the same thing.

But, the fact is that he has not changed. Not only did he loose the ticket, and the book, he does not even remember that there is no way that he left it at my house. And then he tops it off, by writing to me without even really thinkiing about it.


So, now he has thrown me in the position to think of just the right thing to say after he yet again, just blurted out something without thinking.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

I don't want him at my house without me. And I don't want to see him. And I don't want to be the "nagging" woman, that reminds him (as usuall) that there is no way, it is here.

Darn. I really hoped I would not have to deal with him so soon.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I do get some comfort from knowing that he asked to come by and not just stopped by. But then I have a feeling he has completely forgotten he has the key to the house.

It would not be the first time that he has forgotten that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

So, I do wonder, if I should even change the locks. Maybe, I should really get this done, just in case.

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

he's trying to break nc . and he's tring to wheedle for any last remaining straw of control.

as long as the a is on....and you are in nc, stay in nc...if that is your plan now.

learn reverse babble...which you can do via email even...but it must be BRIEF...and succinct.

he's got to relearn WHAT A BOUNDARY IS.....your boundary is clear...NO CONTACT UNTIL OW GONE. period.

he's used to having two kinds of cake to eat....now you're forcing him to eat vanilla every single day now...and he is not happy about it.

yea, he's sure pushing. the tix? why the rush for the plan tix? i'd ask him that if he pushes for it again.

and hang out? pleeeeeeaze.

my xh tried that. he tried to even ask me out and "date me" a few times...most recent was last summer when he was conveniently separated from his affair wife (our other woman in our marriage)...and living in a hotel.

was I gonna buy that? heck no.

what I told my xh still stands...2.5 years later. unless he was a CHANGED, REFORMED, AND REPENTANT MAN with NO OTHER WOMAN...(now he has OTHER WOMAN WIFE)...NO REAL CONTACT WITH ME ONE ON ONE. all we have done since the divorce is speak about ds and monies owed me. we have no real "small talk"...and trust me, he tries.

talk to the mb experts. I did all by the mb book...but my xh was just destined to be a ws...period. sadly. but not all are going to end up there...and that's great news. i still believe most marriages can be saved. we just had extreme complicating issues...especially the shacked up pregnant mistress who deliberately got pregnant...that was a toughie. especially if you're a mom like me who loves all kids.

peachy....

It is hard to believe that he is trying to break NC. But it is possible that he honestly has lost the ticket, and sees it is a possibility to come to my house....so is sort of lieying to himself about his true motives.

In any case, I don't want him here and this certainly is not a reason to come by since there is no way that the ticket is here. I was tempted to write "are you sure it is not at her house" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> but I will control myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

He does have stuff at the house, so does have a legitimate reason for getting in here, but this ticket thing is not it, so I will not agree. Besides, what is he going to do, go through each room, through all my things, to find some book, I know cannot be here? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I think I will send him this reply:
H:
There was no opportunity for you to leave the ticket here.
Hence, there is no need for you to come by.

Best,
Daisy

I don't want to get into any debate with him, and I do worry that he will see this as me "being difficult" but at the same time, there is really no possibility of the ticket being here, and so why should I put up with him?

BTW, I know his brother is gettting married in June, so maybe he wants to use the ticket for that.

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Good morning Daisy !
Your WH sure does seem to want reaction and/or contact with
you ! I think he must be very curious about your reaction
and after sticking with "no contact" for awhile is now
giving it another try.

Did you ever let him know that you are aware of his A ?
If not, seems like it'd be a good idea so he understands
why you want no contact, and what it would take to work
towards a renewed M, if you wish to do that.

I think you are right in letting him know his book and/or
ticket could not be at your house, or you could even just
say something like "I feel certain you haven't been at my
house since you got the free ticket, but will be glad to
look around the house and let you know", so he knows you
do not want him there, looking through your things..

Sorry for the pain you are dealing with, I can understand !
Slammed

Daisy, how are you holding up? Your H is sure trying HARD to break your NC boundary.

It seems H did not think you will be this firm about NC for this long, so he thought the casual email about "hanging out" would be good enough to break it. Wrong! Then this air ticket thing..., all WHs just have no shame. This seems his pattern, Daisy. He always tried to get some contact with his old gf's or just female friends in the past. In his mind there is nothing wrong with just "hanging out" with them..., and you are now on his "hang out" list he is going to pursue. He does not understand WHY you told him not to contact you in the first place. You are not doing this b/c you are mad at him..., you are sending him the message that unless he is willing to work on the M, there is no need for you to just "hang out" to be casual friends. He is not getting this.

Did you send the email?

hey milk and slammed.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have not replied yet. I guess when we are this close to it we don't see the forest for the trees....I am really having a hard time believing he wants to break me (NC)...so to speak <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />!

I rewrote it a little based on slammed's suggestion:

H
I feel certain that you did not have an opportunity to leave the ticket here, as you have only been to my place once (Superball Sunday) since your return from CA.
I was clearing out some things the other day and I did find your phone/address book, but no other book. I will pass it on to you along with the immigration documents that I received today.
Daisy

I did get some paperwork today so I'll send him that. This way he will see (hopefully) that I am not trying to be unaccomodating <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />....I just really don't see the purpose of him "ramiging" though my belongings when there is no possibility of this ticket being here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.


Is the letter ok?
Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Daisy, I think the new version is better. It tells him that the ticket is not there but is not angry or mean. This might confuse him even more though! Because it's much easier for him to "decide" that you are just mad and being mean to him. If that's not the case but you still do not want any contact, he will have to wonder WHY you want this.
IF he can start to wonder about this, that might be his first step. Till then, he just has to dance this foolish dance of "I left something and need to come by to get it...". What he LEFT home is his WIFE who has stood by him for this long...!!!

Milk

Milk, thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I did send the new version, but I did not mention the immigration papers. I am still trying to figure out how I will get those to him, and I did not want him to begin some email descussion with me on HOW to get it to him etc.

So, I think I will just pass them along to a mutual friend when I get the chance. I can trust this guy, so I don't even have to send an email. NC, right.

I had a bit of touch day today. It all seems just too crazy....again.....

Yesterday I spoke with a friend, and I asked her "so, is it really over". I still have these days, but I know for me, moving forward without him is the way to go right now. I know some may look at my case and think I have given up, I never did let H know that I know about his seeing (sleeping) with another woman. I don't know if this was a mistake on my part or not. You know, if I had found proof of an A when we were living together then I would have exposed! I found out about some sexual relationship going on now, months after he left. I know he called it an "affair" not me, but he may just be really meaning affair as in "matters".

Fact is that I have no proof of an A when we lived together. I know he tried to go out on dates as we went to counseling after he left, and that hurts, but that just shows me how much he was not willing to work on us.....It was not even an EA, just exploring his options <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />......

What I did find out, was going on recently, that is all I know....I don't know when it started. And the fact is, that his family was already asking him in Nov, how was he doing, was he seeing someone else. So, even they see him dating now as "no big deal", and part of moving on. So, telling them I know he is seeing someone sexually now, will get me where??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

But, I just honestly feel that he is gone, my marriage is over, and I have to worry about divorce proceedings. Exposure is to help end an affair to work on your M. Many would argue dating months after leaving the marriage is not an affair (I would say it is highly innapropriate at best! I am calling it an A in my sig line, because he called it an A.....)

SO, I am no longer involved in working on my M. This is where others would think that I am quitting. I don't agree. I worked very hard on it and tried very hard to restore it and I gave it my all at a time when I was in a lot of pain. I have made the personal decision to save myself....to have personal recovery. I don't want to engage with him about personal matters anymore. So, it is all about business now.

I don't know if what I say makes sense. I would say that this may very well contradict with MB principles, I don't know what SH and etc. say about what to do if you find out your H is dating months after he left (and have no proof about an A while you lived together, or while you both actively agreed to work on the M). I don't know what they say on this....but I have decided to move forward, save myself, and stop all personal exchanges with H.....

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

(((Daisy)))

Wanted to say hello & give you a hug.

Thanks so much for the encouragement you give me on my thread.

Kim

Kim....
Thanks for the hug!

I don't know if I ever will feel 100% right about all I have done to save the marriage. Can I even walk away knowing I have done everything?

I do sometimes questions if I should have done a propper plan B even. I don't know. I kept pushing it off because I did not think I plan Aed long enough and by the time I found out that H was happy to just Live off of me, and thought I was some jellous woman and was keeping secrets just a few months into the marriage, by the time I found all this out in early Feb, I did not even have the will for Plan B.

I realized, I cannot make him change, I cannot even influence his change, he has to want to change, and he does not want to......and I don't want him the way he is <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.......

I am just sad today. Sad at what I thought I had.....sad at what I lost...... I honestly believe that he loved me.....and I am sad at not being loved by him anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.......

But I also know that he never made a real commitment to me, the kind that a husband does <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> , and not just a boyfriend........and that is sad too......and then I find myself moving forward in my life.

It has been 10 months and I no longer cry every night and I am able to function, and even enjoy myself, and I don't spend every moment analyzing everything......and that realization is sad as well....because there will come a time when the commitment that was/is important to me I will no longer think about or hurt over.....there will come a time when I will be happy again without my H ~ my best friend <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> ......

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

{{{Daisy}}}

I know there has been some discussion about MB principles going on, but I do not think you should feel bad about your feeling and decision. You did work very hard to save your marriage. As you mentioned, you found out about your H's affairs months after he left, and in his and his family's mind, it is okay <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> b/c you two had been already separated. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Of course I do not agree with this, but if they have this mentality, I doubt exposure would have had any strong effect, unfortunately. Besides, it does not sound like he was really into any serious R with anyone, so that would have probably made exposure harder too. In this regard, your H is very much like mine.

I had several sessions with SH last spring/summer and even spoke to Bill Harley and his wife Joyce on their radio show once. Because of my H's mental issues, they did not recommend the conventional MB methodology at that time. Actually all of them said "if you need to file D to protect you and DS3 financially, you may need to do so". Like you, I did not have anything to "expose" that time, so I could not follow that path either.

Only you can make the decision as to how long you want to wait for your H. You have done a great Plan A, and now you are doing Plan B. If that does not work well, then you will just have to decide what you want to do. No one can tell you that you are quitting when you have tried everything you could think of. Didn't you speak to SH once or twice before, by the way?

Hugs,
Milk

Hey Milk.....

Thanks for your post.

I guess I do question my actions every now and then. I read on your thread regarding your H dating after he left and I think that is what is going on in my case, just that my H chose not to enlighten me of that. Obviously, because he knew that I would not be happy about that, and he did not want to loose my friendship.

Anyway, just strugeling along these past few days. I am just sad and little things I triggering it all.

I still have days where I just cannot believe that he will not be in my life....and worse, that he does not mind not being in my life..........I wonder when I will stop thinking about that or when thinking about that will not bring tear into my eyes....

Daisy

Daisy, of course he MINDS that he will not be in your life. That's why he recently tried to "hang out" with you, remember? I think a part of him thinks you will always be there for him whether as a wife or as a friend... Also, given his history of getting in contact with his old gf and female friends, it is most likely he will do the same for you in the future...

But he is a grownup, and has to make up his mind. You have shown him that your intention is not to be "friends" with him, so he cannot push you for just being his friend. Once he really faces the hard reality that he might lose you completely, he will be forced to make up his mind.

Till then, take care of yourself and be strong... There might be a better plan for your life, maybe you just do not know about it yet, and maybe this better plan, unfortunately, does not have your WH in it. You never know how everything is going to turn out. One thing for sure is that you do not have to always worry about WH's moodiness, depression, laziness and old gf. That itself sounds pretty good!

hugs,
Milk